***Content Warning:
+ Emotional abuse realization
+ Implied neglect and bond harm
+ Manipulation and magical coercion
+ Emotional neglect/realization of unintentional harm
+ Slight sexual discomfort joke regarding potential cousinship
Koba
I ignored that instinct. I was offended that this older Alpha who could barely win against me, a younger Alpha, would speak and act this way towards me. Papa Sullivan humbled me in five moves. He could have done it in one. But as I've come to realize—he isn't cruel. I laid there, looking at the ceiling of the training room, trying to reconcile this strength with what I've experienced until today. "How? Why? What?"
"I was instructed by your mother to push you but not forge you. You are an Alpha witch first and fighter second, according to her. So I limited myself to being one or two levels of experience above you. Your father, on the other hand, was given no such restriction, so he has been allowed to sadistically beat you without actually training you. It is your pure talent and aptitude that has allowed you to gain anything from those spars. With your head now clear, you will be able to understand and see the truth of my words."
"My Beta brother, your father, isn't stronger than me. Never has been. It's why I'm 1st Crown Consort and he is 2nd despite being your mom's favorite. If you would like to actually be strong and not just adequate, I can forge you. Is that what you want? To be strong enough to protect and keep what you claim?" Immediately, Ara and Momma Azalea images popped into my mind. "Yes, I want to be strong." He gave a nod of approval with a smile.
"Then I will work with your assistant to arrange your schedule. I will cut out the unnecessary social parties and help you build a network outside of your mom's network. Noxton can help you with this. He will be a good ally to have. Plus, he is to be your brother-in-law, so having a better bond with him won't hurt anything." Noxton was a person that I had a lot of foggy memories about.
I'm not sure if he simply isn't around a lot or I just plainly don't cross paths with him unless he wants us to cross paths. My instincts lead me to believe option two is the most likely. What few memories I have suggest Noxton is a powerful essencecrafter. He has in the past occasionally helped me with essencecraft related issues both publicly and privately. My only other strong memories of him include him obnoxiously flirting with Minnie.
It is interesting that I can't tell if Noxton even really likes Minnie. He flirts and sends her gifts. He has even subtly alluded to him trying to advance the relationship physically, but Minnie keeps saying she wants to wait for the right person. Which confused me, but Noxton only gave me a strange look like I should know who she was waiting to give herself to. I didn't, since I was personally waiting to give my first time to Ara. Which brings me back to the present.
"I don't know what to tell you. I have no memories of initiating the bond, so I couldn't possibly know when it happened. Minette appears to be a constant in all my issues with Ara, so she is a source of information, but she has also proven to be an unreliable source, so I will have to investigate matters outside of her. I'm so lost, Papa Sullivan. I don't know how I can save my relationship with Ara."
I slumped further into the sofa as the tears began to well up. "What they say about not really appreciating a person until you have lost them is so true. I feel like my soul wants to die when I think of not having her in my life anymore. She was so just done. She doesn't even want to give me a chance to find answers. She just wants to let go and move on."
I stood up as tears and rage bubbled up. "But I can't let go! I have been working so hard to be worthy of her. To show her by example of my hard work that she should work hard too so that we could take the Dillard Enclave to the next level when Mother stepped down. We were supposed to be a power couple with the mates we connected with just like her parents!"
I walked over to the punching bag in the corner. Wordlessly, Papa Sullivan held the bag as I released all my frustration and anger. "And now I find out that we have been standing on opposite sides of a two-way mirror. She seeing things one way and I another? I'm supposed to let the center of my universe just walk away and not find out how we got to this point? No!"
"My heart can't move on without answers. I won't force her to be with me, but I will fight with all I am to make things right between us. Is it not my duty as a potential mate to clear misunderstandings and prove my worth? Then that is what I will do. I will pursue her this time instead of her pursuing me. Even if she doesn't take me back, I will not be satisfied until I have given this my all." After kicking the bag one last time, I shoved it aside to fall into Papa Sullivan's arms.
"You are right in your intended actions. You need to clear up all these misunderstandings for yourself more than for Lady Ajei. She appears to not be as disconnected from her family and enclave as she was previously, so they will find answers for her without your help. So what you can do if you truly wish to pursue her is transcend your past self and become a better you. Do what she says she is doing. Reforge yourself into the person you want to become. Not for anyone else but yourself. You have reached Veil 1, but you aren't as strong as you could be."
I pulled back, looking at him in confusion. Everyone told me when I ascended that I had a perfect ascension that could only be compared to Jasper Reign, the ill-fated prodigy of our generation. Seeing my confusion, Papa Sullivan just shook his head and headed to the kitchen to most likely fix dinner for me. My heart warmed at the quiet show of his gruff love.
He gestured for me to sit at the countertop as he worked. The cool feel of the marble countertops contrasted with the growing warmth of the kitchen as the oven heated up. "Your ascension was a clean one, but it was heavily assisted to make it so. All those ritualists were blowing smoke up your ass, telling you that you were comparable to Jasper Reign. That young man is twice as powerful as you while cursed. So, no you are not comparable." Over these past few weeks, I have had to remind myself that while Papa Sullivan isn't cruel, he can be very blunt to the point of being rude. The way he can switch between the mask of the elitist 1st Crown Consort of the Dillard Enclave and his real self can be jarring, but I like it. I need real people in my life as I cut out the chaff.
Papa Sullivan continued talking as my thoughts were brought back on topic. "Thankfully, you only recently ascended, and since Veil is a foundational tier we can strengthen your foundation without so many supplements before you consolidate and level up. So promise me, no matter what you will not level up until either I or Finn tell you to. Oh, by the way, Finn will be training you in essencecrafting so I can focus on your fighting skills. I know you are on the Arcane Sentinel track, but having a body in great physical condition will be an advantage over other initiates when it comes time to be assigned to a good or mediocre squad."
He was making me pizza, tossing the dough as he shifted topics. "Circling back to Lady Nyxara, you were saying she reacted skillfully when she punched you?"
"Yeah. She didn't overextend," I leaned over the counter, proud of what she accomplished, even if I was the victim of it. "She didn't even hesitate. I grabbed her wrist, and she turned like she was already a Sentinel Adept, ready to restrain me if I put up a fight." Papa Sullivan made a thoughtful sound as he put the pizza together before putting it in the oven. He turned to me with crossed arms. "That really doesn't sound like the young lady who has been following you around. Not from what I've seen or heard." Pulling out my phone, I began to make proper notes of the matters the encounter with Ara had brought to my attention.
"No," I admitted now calm after venting. "It doesn't." Silence stretched between us. Then softly without looking up I muttered, "But I like what I saw of her today. She was so beautiful. Smiling and confident not the obsessive, needy woman she had seemed to become after our engagement was official."
Sullivan's brow rose. "Was she truly obsessive and needy? Or was that the perception you had because of situations Minette put her in?" I had to stop and think about this perception shift. "I…I honestly don't know. It just seemed like when I was busy, she was always blowing up my phone or trying to see me, but when I made time for her, she was throwing tantrums by being sad and pretending to be—sick."
Slapping the counter, the revelation horrified me. I looked into Papa Sullivan's eyes, and he just looked expectant like he had already come to the revelation I just did. "She was sick the whole time. Yet she pulled herself together, excited to spend time with me. She was always trying to talk to me about something, but I would brush it off, thinking she wanted to talk about her latest shopping trip or some other silly topic when she may have been wanting to talk about completing the bond or what my intentions were."
I ran to the trash can, making it in time as I realized I have been unintentionally abusing my future mate. The room spun as the regurgitated taste of lunch filled my mouth making me vomit harsher. I did her wrong. What I have done I can never truly repay. She could have irreparable soul and essence damage because of me.
When I was done, Papa Sullivan guided me back to my seat at the counter. He brought me water and advised me to sip, not gulp. "So you truly didn't know then. Since that is the case, I have something to share with you that I didn't allow the doctor friend to tell you before. You have been under the influence of charms, rituals, and other controlling elements for an extended time. Most likely by your mother, father, and Minette." I could only stare at him hollowly as he shared this new truth.
This is the reason behind my blackout headache moments, only those three could suppress, and the fog I would often feel under at the strangest moments. I wasn't completely in control. "She did call me a pawn in my own life. Even she saw through my situation while I'm over here stumbling along. Did you know before last month? Did you have a hand in controlling me too?" I had nothing left in me to be angry. I just wanted the peace of truth even if it was cruel.
"No. Maeve and Xerxes know I would never condone such things, especially since they use them on Azalea. Minette probably stumbled upon your restrictions when she attempted to charm you at some point, so that is likely how she got involved. You may not believe me, but Azalea and I have had no part in any such manipulations concerning you. What I told you about our spars is the extent of any manipulations from me. I've already promised to help you, so I will." He placed his hand on my head, and I felt safe in a way I hadn't felt in—I don't know how long.
With a thoughtful tone, he made a very interesting observation, "The backlash from Lady Nyxara breaking the Velintra is probably what broke all the restrictions on you, so we can thank the Creators she was brave enough to try and lived through the breaking. I will investigate matters on your behalf for now. You can't act too out of sorts, or else your mom will find out and will replace the restrictions on you. Also, be cautious of Minette."
"She has proven she can't be trusted and has always been slightly obsessed with you. It honestly has always worried Azalea and me. At least with Lady Nyxara in the picture, she had to curb certain behaviors, but now that Lady Nyxara is not likely to be an obstacle anymore, she may harbor ill intentions towards you."
Then he turned to check on the pizza, like he hadn't just made me feel like I've fallen down the white rabbit's hole. What the fuck did he just say? Did he just allude to… is that why Noxton looked at me like that? Nope. Just no. Incest is not my kink. We will bury this train of thought in the depths, never to rise again.
"Papa Sullivan, I'm done with truths for the day. I'm going to shower. I'm going to eat the pizza you made, then I will train. I'll leave the investigation of what I thought was my life to you."
I stood up, bowed, then walked away before he tried to drop another nugget of truth. I think I heard him chuckle as I closed my bedroom door. I prepared the shower, then got my training clothes out. After stepping into the shower, my thoughts returned to Ara…Nyxara. I will call her Nyxara from now on. I can't trust Minnie when she said Nyxara preferred to be called Ara.
She isstronger than I had been led to believe. I was lied to. It doesn't matter who lied but does matter why. I didn't question a lot of things I should have, but I can't stay in the past questioning things I can't change. I will learn the truths, then deal with them as best I can. For me, because now I feel like not only do I not know who she is, I don't know who I am. I want to know who I am. I can't level up to Veil 2 with such identity questions. I close my eyes, letting the water run over me.
"For the first time," I say voice rough, "I don't know what to do. But luckily, I'm not alone. I will figure things out so I can move forward and become the kind of strong I want to be." I pounded my chest 3 times to affirm my conviction.
As I washed up, I considered that this must be how Nyxara has been feeling. Having to start over. Reforging herself. I felt closer to her in this moment. I smiled, hoping that this truly would be my road back to her. I would travel it no matter how long it took. "We are fated. I haven't given up on us, so I'm going to believe that in some corner of your heart—you haven't either."
Outside, the city lights of Solhara burned steadily on—unchanged, uncaring. Another player in the gambit between mortals and the planet began to reclaim its autonomy. This pleased Asari.