Chapter 74 - Chapter 74: Suppression Released

🕯️Trigger Warning: This chapter includes:

+ Intense psychological trauma recall

+ Memory fragmentation 

+ Emotional manipulation

+ A body-based purge sequence

+ Themes of gaslighting, self-blame, and overwhelming grief are also present

~ Please read with care.

Aspen

I do not think she is truly ready, but…if her gut says today, then I will support the path she has chosen. Just like any other elder on Asari, I have to let her figure out her personal cultivation path. I am here as a guardrail so she won't be in serious danger. Plus, my own instincts tell me to let her do this even if my heart does not want her to have to go through anything painful. 

This is sure to be rough for all of us. Yet, this is the karmic price we must pay for failing her before. Ignorance isn't a good enough excuse. Not when her death was the price for this twist of fate.

Looking into her eyes and scanning every layer of her being I could reach without touching her soul, I confirm she is as ready as she could be for this procedure. She feels confident in this moment. One part driven by her instincts, another part is rightfully nervous about this unknown territory we are about to step into, the last part is confidence in the way she has handled the mild version of the symptoms so far.

 She has no idea how jarring the unsuppressed version will be. But I'm going to trust our little queen…yes, Azrail foresaw the truth. My instincts tell me this will be pivotal in her recovery journey. Whether now or later, she will have to walk this path.

 I can't keep holding onto the version of my sister, Little Moonbeam, that I wish to protect. I have to accept that she is evolving into a Little Queen. My essence cores have begun to hum and the whisper of destiny flows from my lips. "This is a crossroads moment." I whisper softly to myself. 

Nyxara looks up into my face curiously, but I shake my head, feeling the invisible wheels of destiny turn. I will let my precognition guide me now.

Not wanting to delay things further, I pulled out a large sheet of ritual paper to draw out the extraction array. "While the array is stabilizing, change into this open-back top. I'll apply the array to your back, then put you into a sleep state to minimize any discomfort you may experience during the extraction." Nyx followed my instructions. I applied the array, then once she was asleep, I began the countdown: "On three. One… two…"

The extraction was going as I expected until the last nanobot was pulled out of her body. At that moment, there was nothing I could do to stop the fracture of Nyx's psyche. I had anchored us both—thinking I was prepared for any reaction. I was arrogant. I underestimated how deeply the Velintra bond had infected her, and now her body was purging faster than I could help her manage alone.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm anchoring, but I can't do that and block this feedback from the Tharym bond. I activated the emergency function of the Tharym bond.

—Everyone, I've removed the nanobots from Nyx. Nyx is having an extreme reaction. I need help to calm her. NOW! Kin-branch, just hold on as best you can. We are about to plunge. SORRY!—  My vision split. One eye stayed on this plane, the other followed Nyx into the depths of her psyche fracture. I could only pray I had warned my family in time and help would arrive soon.

Nyxara

The moment the last nanobot left my body…so this is what it feels like for my mind to completely shatter into mirrors. I thought the emotional sensations and memories were bad. Nope. This is whiplash nightmare fuel bad.

What I'm experiencing now aren't just memories exactly. Not even just visions intertwined in those memories. What the mirror shards showed me in this too bright, too dark twilight of pain were overlapping truths crashing into each other. My soul and the body Grey left behind show me how we paralleled. The same yet different. 

*Coughing from the nauseating scents of laughing "friends".*

Salt on my tongue—then warm, loving arms. Asking me why I'm crying.*

Minette's hand on my back while nausea wracked me from the hollow-bind symptoms worsening because Koba was busy again.*

Loving kisses and deep conversations occurring between bouts of disappearing for enclave business, but your social media shows you partying with Minette and friends. "So close yet so far. Do you love me?" "I love you with all my soul and wish to make you my first mate, my matriarch. I will wait until you are ready to bond. We have the rest of our lives together."

Yet this bite on my inner thigh says you couldn't wait. You wouldn't even complete the bond with me. You gave excuses, and I accepted them until I couldn't anymore. What is real? What is a lie? 

*Am I going to die because I chose the wrong person? This is not how things were supposed to go. Even if our scent compatibility isn't high, my soul knows its mate.*

*I CAN'T THINK. I CAN'T BREATHE! You promised and yet I will never be good enough for your Dillard Enclave, will I? *

*Even if this kills me, I will hold on until I can figure out how to save my family from this poison. I have to find a solution.*

I held onto the link between Aspen and me. It barely anchored me in this psyche storm. I felt Aspen hesitate—then choose to ground me more securely. I quickly grasped this meant he was no longer filtering me from busting the Tharym bond wide open. 

I couldn't stop the distressing thoughts, sensations, and feelings from flowing, but I somehow was able to sense Korran taking control of the bond; thus, filtering me from splashing too heavily.

 *I have to stay for now. Just until I figure out how to break this bond. Minette…I'll sacrifice myself to keep them safe.* A taint of otherness came from these thoughts and feelings. I tried to hold on and not bleed into the Tharym bond more than I currently was, but it was taking all my Willpower to not drown in the waves.

*No, no, no. Minette is twisting my thoughts and feelings. I trusted the wrong person. I don't know how to leave. I don't know if Koba is involved in the poisoning or not. Sometimes it seems he was, and other times he seems he has no clue we even have a bond. I should have known or seen the truth before it got to this point.* 

We were both fighting to pull ourselves out of tangled webs, but we were trapped under the weight of her charm. *Stay. Don't make trouble. Just stay.*With a push of Willpower that I did not know I had, I pulled myself a little more out of this body's onslaught.

Grey had stayed because she was cornered and sick. She made a choice because she couldn't find another way to break free. Thinking the storm on my psyche was over, I was beginning to relax when I felt my essence network spasms return. My veins seized and I felt my physical body distantly lock up; unable to move or be easily moved. 

It was the eye of the storm now; the second half of this storm is upon me. My soul remembers and the deep depression of that night chokes me.

 *Smiling through disappointment.*

*Letting Minette maneuver me to push away a friend I loved.*

*Letting Koba set the emotional terms of our relationship.*

*Letting the Earth Dillard family's coldness define me.*

*And my last night on earth—the quiet surrender. The acceptance that no one was coming. The decision to give up.*

I felt the truth like a crack down my center: Grey had been stronger than me. I hadn't fought; I let myself be worn down. I hadn't tried to break away when opportunities presented themselves. I could have made plans to separate from them. Instead, I had just… let go. Shame hit me so hard my vision blurred.

My aura burst outward—uncontrolled, jagged. I plunged into total darkness. My body seized. Guilt poured through the Tharym bond so forcefully I heard someone gasp. Then I felt and scented them. Arms encircled me loosely. Charcoal and patchouli coming from my front—Keir. Black cypress and cold smoke from my back—Lux. 

 Incense resin, crushed basil, and frankincense from my right—Azrail. Black amber and smoked birch from my left—Korran. Wisps of eucalyptus and lavender with a hint of something else all around—Nimra. Vetiver and sage holding the borders—Aspen. 

Their arms weren't touching me—thank the Creators—but their stability and auras did. A tide of calm pushed against the spiraling darkness. Somewhere distant, I heard—"Nyxara Ajei! Eyes open! Come back to us."

Nima's sharp inhale was the next hook. Another hook came from Azrail's clipped curse. —More, I need more anchors!— I began to feel myself climb out of the darkness to the sound of Korran's barked instructions and Lux's voice cracking.

I let out a scream as I was slammed completely back onto the physical plane, with no transition, as black fluid secreted from my body, burning me as it dripped onto the floor and those closest to me.

Curses rang out, sharp and overwhelming. Somehow, in the midst of everything, Nimra and Venus were suddenly on either side of me, guiding my body telekinetically to the adjoining bathroom. "It's all right," Nimra murmured. "It's essence-toxin being purged. Let's get you cleaned."

The bathroom blurred around me. They undressed with me, then the three of us got into the large shower stall. The sour-sweet, like overripe fruit and old oil, scent made me vomit. More water, then a blink later, loose fabric was slipped onto my body. Another blink, and Venus was towel-drying my hair while softly humming soothingly.

I must have dozed off because the next time I woke, a soft arm was under my knees and around my back. Nimra short-transported me with a whispered, "Special occasion. Don't be upset." My bed embraced me like a long-lost lover. Lìma's cool hands tucked blankets and pillows around me. I could hear Nimra tell Lima to monitor me for a fever and tremors. Then—nothing. 

When I woke hours or days later, my body felt hollowed out, scraped clean. Something inside of me had cracked open in a way I couldn't name. Sore. Head thick. Like I'd cried for a week straight. The shame still stings, but it's no longer the only thing there.

If I thought my life was on hard mode before, it has nothing on my current experience. I think I've entered hell mode now. I didn't understand how much the nanobots were suppressing. Now I do. I'm terrified… but I'm not alone. They proved that completely with this incident. They dropped everything and came to aid me. 

I stared up at the ceiling, feeling the echo of my family's stabilizing presence layered over every plane of my existence like a counter-melody to the cacophony of the symptoms trying to overwhelm me.

"If my life is going to be on Hell mode right now, then I will thrive under the pressure." I whisper to the empty room. "I will not let anything stop me from going back to the academy on schedule. I will not allow myself to be delayed." My essence pulsed weakly in agreement. For now, that was enough.