Chapter 41 - Chapter 41: Fractured Part 2

🕯️Content Warning recommended: trauma flashback, emotional abuse (referenced), panic/dissociation, self-pressure toward perfectionism.

Nyxara

I think I hear Aspen speaking behind me, but it's not his voice I hear. The voice I hear is older. Sharper. *If you want to stay, you better be worth keeping.*

I blink, and my throat tightens.

I always had to strive for excellence. Anything less was unacceptable. The Dillards back on Earth made that clear during every punishment. Punishments Koba and Minette were never home to witness — and never believed happened. I was such a fool. Looking back, those punishments were borderline abusive. Yet, I endured because they took me in when I had nowhere else to go. I felt I owed them.

But now I'm here—safe, healing, surrounded by people who say they love me unconditionally—and all I can think is: I must be perfect. I must show excellence. Anything less is unacceptable.

I try to take in a breath, faint and dizzy—then a sharp slap on my back shocks a scream out of me. I keep screaming, my throat tearing until it feels like I've swallowed glass shards. My chest shudders with my sobbing. It is only when the ringing in my ears stops that I notice the silence and come back from the edge. Taking stock of my body, I realize I'm lying on my back with my left hand resting on my stomach.

 My right is being held by someone. Opening my eyes, I see a hidden skylight overhead, letting the warm sunlight shine down on me. "Slowly turning my head, I realize Aspen is softly speaking comforting words. His scent of vetiver and sage envelops me like a warm blanket. The taste of blood lingers in my mouth, making me aware I damaged my throat with my screaming.

Aspen's voice fades away when he places my right hand on his chest. He wordlessly demonstrates inhaling for 5 counts and exhaling for 5 counts. Feeling numb after 5 cycles, I use Aspen to pull myself up into a sitting position. Slowly arranging myself, once settled I give Aspen a bloody grin like an unhinged clown. I'm loopy and tired.

 Aspen blinks at me a few times. He tilts his head to the side as he studies me. Quietly he asks, "Do you want me to freshen you up and heal the damage?" Aspen must deal with some truly unhinged people to not even be fazed right now. I nod my head in consent. 

He draws two sigils, their multi-colored light pulses in waves. I feel breathless at the sight of them. Yeah, I've seen Nimra draw sigils and even traveled by teleportation, but this feels like the first time I'm truly seeing the magic in action. When the sigils sink into me, it's like cool water seeping into dry ground—my throat is coated with a tingling warmth. A cooling wave ripples across my skin, lifting the sticky residue of tears and sweat until I feel scrubbed clean from the inside out."

I was back to feeling as good as new. I looked blankly into Aspen's eyes ; he met my gaze with practiced calm. After a minute of silence, Aspen broke it. "Do you want to talk about it or move on?" With wide eyes, I feel a bit lost. Aspen isn't acting at all how I was expecting. He certainly wasn't this chill during my clinic stay.

"Who are you and what have you done with my strict therapist, brother?" I poked him in the face, wondering if he was some kind of advanced robot or something. With a chuckle, Aspen takes my left hand into his, just holding it loose enough I could pull my hand away, but I don't. "I'm still Aspen. I just don't have to be so strict with you in this phase." He gives me a warm smile while trying to hide his concern. He fails badly.

Touching me seems to steady him, so I let him hold my hands."In this home recovery phase of the plan, I'll build upon the foundation we built in the controlled environment of the clinic. We are going to be doing more self-discovery and guided therapy activities while we fine-tune how to best accomplish our therapy goals. Some days may be strict like back in the clinic, but most should not be unless you decide to be difficult." He gives me a playful nudge with his foot. 

A small smile forms on my lips, only to dissolve when Aspen returns to his previous question. "Do you want to talk about your episode or do you wish to move on? We have about 25 minutes left of our session, so we can touch base in either direction. If you need more time and want to discuss anything, we can notify the others of your need for adjustment."

I could even retrieve memories that don't belong to me. "Your question and my uncontrollable emotions reminded me that I need to regain my memories. I need to be the perfect Ajei daughter, so I don't disappoint or hurt you. I don't want to repeat past mistakes. So I need those memories. But I don't think I'm going to consciously remember anything on my own. So, I guess performing the memory recovery ritual is inevitable despite the hopes we could avoid it." Pulling my left hand back, I start tapping my nail on my thigh as another persistent worry falls out of my mouth before I can stop it. 

"I know the ritual's dangerous, which is why everyone preferred I remember on my own. A nurse told me my chances of the ritual going as planned were a 50/50 gamble. I would either get the memories I need to sync my body and soul so I can fully use my essence and ascend tiers, which is what is most important, or I could end up a completely different person. Because I may end up retrieving memories that don't belong to me. Which is not ideal personally because then I will no longer be me, but maybe that is an acceptable risk to the enclave. You would still be getting a daughter made whole again either way." My fingers tapped out a beat that matched the beat of my heartbeat. Tap-tap, tap-tap, tap-tap. My face and tone remained calm despite the rapid beat. 

Aspen's expression shifted from concern to intent focus. When he spoke, his tone reflected his concern. "There is a lot to unpack in what you said. I'm going to message your tutor that you can start your lesson with them tomorrow." He tapped out a message on his smart watch, notifying those who needed to know of the change of plans before turning his focus back on me. 

"Let's start at the beginning and work our way to the comments about the ritual." Aspen doesn't try to move us back to the table. Instead, as if we've done this a hundred times, we rearrange our cushions. so we are able to recline on them comfortably while facing each other. Before we get into things, Aspen gets my consent to reconnect with me psychically. His hand brushed mine, and the subtle, comforting pressure of his presence eased my mind and body as we fell into a familiar routine. Hopefully, my emotions won't go haywire again. That shit is exhausting.