"That's not..."
"I... didn't want that..."
The figure stained with blood and ash let itself be swallowed by black shadows and curses. Flames of sin burned on his body. Scorched his soul.
The past Natsuki stood on land filled with death. Eyes vacant. Murmured.
Then, fragmented memory pieces appeared in his mind, tangled with black shadows.
"Thank you, Lias."
"You saved this planet. Please allow me to express the nation's sincerest gratitude."
"It's nothing. This is my duty."
Inside a white palace, a figure blurred beyond recognition held a scepter. Rose to thank him.
He only remembered—that moment, he was proud.
"Stay on this planet."
"If you leave, we'll miss you terribly."
"We're comrades, aren't we?"
"The time with you was wonderful. Memories I'll never forget. But I'm sorry. I can't stop yet. Many people still need my help."
"Our friendship will never fade. Goodbye!"
On a grass field with gentle breeze, five... or six? He couldn't remember. Several people talking to him.
He only remembered—he turned around. Left that place.
"You're back, Lias!"
"It's been so long!"
"You bastard, if you didn't come back soon, I'd be old."
"That's right. I married her. This is our child."
"How could... you experienced all this. Got hurt this badly."
"But you're alive. That's good. Stay with us this time. This planet's gotten more beautiful, hasn't it?"
Happy... relieved.
Perhaps that was the only comfort.
He understood in that moment—comrades were people who'd still sincerely accept you when you fell.
Happiness...
"That's... a bio-weapon!"
"It's a Kaiju!"
"Why did they appear on this planet again?"
"Don't go, Lias! You don't have your former strength anymore!"
"I see. That's definitely your style. Then we'll go with you too!"
Enemies... seemed to appear.
Ultra Signature... distress call... but someone had to stand up now.
But... I lost.
"No!"
"What are you doing!?"
"Are you going to kill us!?"
"Don't lose to it! We believe you can find yourself!"
Something drilled into my head. I lost again.
"Not little intel in your head. Space Science Technology Bureau... I see. Looks like... a new game can begin."
I don't know what I'm doing.
Clouds... sky... flashed past my vision. I seem to be flying.
Why are they afraid of me?
Destroyed.
Their buildings. Their civilization. Their lives. Their everything... destroyed.
I did it.
All of it. I did it.
Because of my weakness, when reinforcements arrived, it was too late.
Three minutes. Civilization already destroyed.
Destruction is easier than salvation. I could no longer save those fragile lives... I am... a sinner.
This was his past.
"Drip."
A water drop fell from above onto Shinji Ikari's head.
"Where is... this?"
Shinji in blue-white plugsuit slowly woke. Tried to prop himself up. But grabbed onto a pool of clear water.
He lay in a dim space. Except for the water surface beneath him, nothing else. Bone-chilling cold.
He stood on the pitch-black water surface. Tried to find a way to leave.
"Tap tap... tap tap tap..."
He ran in large strides. But the surrounding endless darkness had no end. No matter how hard he tried, couldn't see a bit of light.
"Have you forgotten everything?"
"Who!?"
A cold voice rang in the dim space. Shinji immediately stopped. Looked around. Tried to find the voice's source.
He lowered his head. Looked at the pitch-black water surface.
Under the water, a figure. Like a shadow.
No... definitely not a shadow. Whether face or body, both incredibly clear.
He recognized it. That was himself.
"Forget everything. Start over. You're always this cowardly."
The underwater Shinji mocked the above-water Shinji.
"This world keeps restarting because of your cowardice."
Underwater, another figure appeared. Shinji wearing a white shirt.
"They die again and again. But you haven't grown one bit."
Then, Shinji in black plugsuit.
"Forget all pain. Start everything over. Why?"
Then, another Shinji.
"Why can you forget all this!"
They shouted in unison.
Then Shinji fell into the pitch-black water.
"Gah..."
He struggled. Tried to swim to the surface.
But the other figures kept pulling him toward deeper places. Bone-piercing cold quickly swept through his body. Lungs filled with unknown liquid. Similar feeling to first sitting in EVA's cockpit.
Where is this place?
Where are they taking me?
Natsuki-san... where are you?
[Can't run away... can't run away... I... I'll pilot Unit-01!]
Shinji returned to Unit-01's hangar. Lifted his head. Father's cold gaze.
With no combat experience, he piloted Unit-01 to sortie. Faced the Third Angel.
Then—
"GAHHH!!!"
The Angel grabbed Unit-01's head. Pierced it with spikes. Massive blood spurted. Pain of being headshot completely transmitted to Shinji. Even made him want to end himself.
[It's all your fault my sister got hurt!]
"BAM!"
At school, a classmate in black sportswear punched Shinji's face.
Because he failed the first battle, many people got caught up. He became hated.
[Stop! I said stop!]
Unit-03 possessed by an Angel. Asuka sat in the cockpit.
Shinji piloting Unit-01 didn't want to hurt her. But Father's order—activate dummy plug system. Eliminate Unit-03.
He couldn't control the unit. Could only watch Unit-03 get dismantled bit by bit. And Asuka in the cockpit...
Shinji broke down.
[No! Give Ayanami back to me!!!]
Unit-01 went berserk. Fought the strongest Angel. He gave everything to save Rei. Killed the Angel. Devoured the Angel.
Strong desire... Unit-01 after devouring the Angel... Third Impact...
Shinji nearly destroyed the entire world.
And didn't save Rei either.
[Kaworu... I can't. I can't kill you...]
Unit-01 already gripped Kaworu's body. The gray-haired boy asked Shinji to kill him. Shinji couldn't do it.
But.
In the end, he did it.
Killed the only person who could understand him. The only person willing to open their heart to him.
[Kaworu! Don't!!!]
This time, Shinji and Kaworu sat in the same cockpit. The choker originally meant to kill him now worn on Kaworu's neck.
"Shinji, please find your own happiness."
Next second, Kaworu turned to blood. Before Shinji's eyes. Walked toward death.
In this loop, Shinji still killed the only person who could understand him. The only person willing to open their heart to him.
[Even without orders, I can live. I still want to help harvest rice again... still want to hold Tsubame... I want to be with you forever.]
He knew the beautiful girl in black plugsuit before him wasn't the Rei from his memories.
But this moment, he also knew—she was a living person. A person with her own thoughts.
Even as a clone, still wanted to live.
Then—
"Farewell, boy I loved."
Rei left her final smile. Body turned to LCL water.
Left before Shinji—only a plugsuit changed from black to white.
The world's countless loops. As long as slight differences existed, couldn't reach the true end.
The pain he forgot—in this moment, all crawled into Shinji's mind.
~~~~❃❃~~~~~~~~❃❃~~~~
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