Spin in the wind
Among all the things we see
Behold, the shadow
All the torment
The gentle tormentor
How he calls
Lulls you
Sweet
Even sweeter
His promises
Violets sing
Blue
Drunk
Death that takes you
Quietly, unperturbed
Wadding in the sea
Drifting in the depths
Deep into the abyss
An absolute darkness
No Lucifer
No suffering
No happiness
No hero
No one
Nothing
No one
Perfect sound of the lonely world of being
She stared at the tracks, examining every single stone, every wooden plank, every single piece of metal. Everything was exactly as she remembered it.
Weeds grew between the rails, blooming so beautifully that she had once thought them to be precious flowers. The thick bolts were still, if not more, covered in rust, and the entire railway crossing still smelled of sweet popcorn and vomit.
A ground beetle made its way across a slightly rotten piece of wood, and she followed its movements step by step as it clumsily lifted its legs over the splinters of wood, its antennae scanning the area. She wondered if the beetles crawling around there felt fear when a train shook their world.
She imagined billions of beetles panicking, their cities crumbling, villages razed to the ground, thousands of corpses left to rot in ruins, a civilisation completely destroyed. Complete destruction. Crushed. Torn apart. Simply gone.
She adjusted her headphones on her head and closed her eyes for a few seconds, listening to the soft music. Silent, determined, she let herself be enchanted by the singer's gentle voice, and it made her float. She was all alone in the middle of the night, between the rusty machines and fireflies. The streets were empty, the moon shone wearily on the clearing. Silence. Except for the soft music in her ears.
A gentle august breeze made the dust dance like ballerinas. In the distance, more and more lights went out, the city slept, everything seemed to be asleep. Everything except her, even though she was so exhausted and desperately wanted to, but couldn't. Restless.
The cold night air pressed against her face, whispering things to her, only the things she didn't want to hear. Her cheeks burned with cold and her eyes watered, everything seemed more insignificant than it was. A wistful smile stole across her chapped lips.
Euphoria flowed through her like an electric shock, her whole body trembled with excitement, longing again for that harmony, that innocence, how everything used to be. The perfect world everyone wanted. Before all the worries, before the lies, before the collapse of her paradise, before she was gone.
She felt the floor begin to tremble, slight vibrations running through the entire floor. The hissing gradually grew louder and sounded like a sigh. Her smile widened, so wide that it almost hurt her. It was like a grotesque mask stubbornly burned onto her face.
The firefly-like lights were floating closer to her, seeming to dance like two stars in the night sky that could never touch. She took a step forward. Closer to the tracks. Closer to order. And another step. The hissing, the vibrations and the lights hypnotised her, calling her to them. She was spellbound, and the vibrations and hissing now had her firmly in their grip. She did not resist, she was glad of the control, she wanted to be controlled by them, wanted to finally be called to them.
The beetles must be trembling with fear, she thought before taking another step. The vibrations grew stronger, humming a harmonious song of freedom and happiness to her. She could have sworn someone was humming along with them. A tear made its way down her cheek. After so many years, she finally felt safe and secure again. She was no longer a prisoner in this golden cage; she would be free, happy, calm. The lights that were getting closer and closer and starting to blind her did not reproach her; they wanted to help her like old friends did after many years. They awakened a feeling of comfort and warmth in her, something she had not felt in years.
She sniffed and pressed her mobile phone against her chest. Her heart was already beating to the rhythm of bliss. She pressed a button and the next song, the gentle first notes of her favouritesong, began to play. She exhaled. She could already hear the quiet cries of the beetles and the demise of an entire world. Just one more big step.
"Hey, you! Wait." She was startled and lost her balance. A strong gust of wind blew her locks into the air. Everything happened so quickly and slowly at the same time. The train whizzed past her, so fast that she thought her brain was playing tricks on her, but so slowly that she could make out a figure through every single gap in the carriages. A figure that looked like her... Her spirit...
After this shock, she closed her eyes for a few seconds, then the realisation hit her. She had no more options until next week. No rest, no sleep, no happiness. Everything had just disappeared with that train in the distance. It had been her last chance. Her last way out. The lump in her stomach grew larger and she felt the familiar burning in her eyes when tears came. Her thoughts wandered back to the figure, could it have been her...? "Mum...," she gasped and swallowed her tears again.
But of course it wasn't her. A boy stepped out of the shadows like a ghost, moving slowly and cautiously, as if he thought he might scare her away with a sudden movement. He stopped on the opposite side. His eyes bored holes into her, seeming to want to absorb everything they could. He really noticed her... She was in a daze, didn't understand at first what had just happened, didn't know where she was, who she was, what she was doing, but gradually everything came back and she sat up. She knew again where she was, who she was and what she was doing, but this boy had ruined everything for her. He was responsible for all of it.
"What was that about?" she snapped at him, glaring at him angrily. "I'm San, and you?" He leapt over the tracks like a gazelle and stopped in front of her.
Black strands of hair escaped from his thick mop, which looked like a black storm, and a knowing grin graced his rosy lips. "Did I ask you your name?!" She was still confused, and his presence confused her even more. His eyes glowed with madness, as if they could destroy worlds. She was literally seething with rage, as if coffee was pumping through her veins and waking her up. This guy had ruined everything for her, stolen her perfect moment, her last hope for peace without any remorse. "What was that for, you arsehole?" she hissed, digging her nails deep into her flesh so that the pain calmed her body.
"I just wanted you to wait for me... Will you finally tell me your name?" He sounded like a child who wanted to make new friends out of sheer boredom. San tilted his head back briefly and finally smiled charmingly at her, his eyes empty, seemingly dead. But you could sense a small glimmer that proved she could be brought back to life. Her gaze remained fixed on him. "Fuck you!" she yelled at him. All the effort she had put in had been for nothing. He hadn't had the right to do that, he shouldn't have dared...
"I just wanted to go over there with you, 'fuck you'..." he whined like a toddler. His appearance didn't seem to match what he was saying. "Are you serious?" she snapped, stunned. His smile widened. His face lit up, as if he took pleasure in infuriating her. "Then tell me your name." The flickering lantern made him look like a character from an old black-and-white film, so beautiful and old, surreal and innocent. "Why?" she whispered, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "Is it that important?" He tilted his head like a puppy, looking at her as if he didn't understand her.
He seemed so out of place. Too beautiful and perfect for this deformed area. She already felt the urge to draw him. To capture his sharp contours on paper with colours. Every single storm, every single fibre. He was art.
"Your name says who you are and where you come from. Doesn't it?"
"Lolita," she murmured softly, hoping he would believe her. Why would she tell a complete stranger her name?
"My name is Lolita," she then asserted in a strong voice.
"Lolita... I'm San, three. I hope you weren't trying to run away from your Humbert Humbert, were you?" He chuckled at his own joke.
She didn't even smile. She was running away from her Humbert Humbert, just not the one he probably had in mind. "No... certainly not. Will you leave me alone now?" He closed his eyes for a few seconds and took a deep breath.
"Shall we wait for the next train? Then we could go together..." Her gaze wandered to him, she eyed him sceptically and bit her lip.
Could he be trusted? "I'm not waiting for any train and I don't want to go anywhere. Do whatever you want. Jump in front of the train for all I care and become one of those tragic teenage suicides that are forgotten after less than a month. "
He crossed his arms in front of his chest, his smile hadn't moved an inch. Her fingers tingled more and more. "Okay, then I'll wait here for the next train... alone without you... Lolita." He smiled slyly and turned his back on her. "Go ahead, weirdo, there'snone coming anymore." she hissed and took one last look in his direction.
His slender figure only added to the sadness of the place, with his dramatic features and fine hair. He looked so thin and fragile in the soft moonlight and flickering lantern light, yet his aura was strong, almost overwhelming. It seemed as if he had no worries and all the worries of the world, a walking paradox of flesh and blood.
He was probably really a character from an old film, a play or a bygone era, the tragic hero who cannot escape his own sad fate, who knows exactly what will happen to him if he does not now disappear into the uncertain infinity. And even this would not have been able to change his fate. "I hope you find happiness, San...," she whispered and ran away.
She would have liked to have swapped roles with him, to have been the tragic hero in his place. She had never dreamed of anything more. She wanted her end, she was ready to sacrifice herself. She would have loved the great nothingness and the tragic fate. A tragic teenage suicide that would be forgotten after a month.