The battlefield smelled like smoke, fear, and whatever passes for deodorant among Orks, which is to say, none.
MrBeast stood on a jagged rock, smiling like he hadn't noticed the enormous green aliens charging across the wasteland.
"WHAT'S UP, GUYS!" he shouted. The sound startled a flock of cyber-crows and at least two contestants. "TODAY, I BROUGHT 100 PEOPLE INTO THE WARHMMMERVERSE, AND THEY'RE FIGHTING BOTH ORKS AND CHAOTIC CULTISTS! LAST PERSON STANDING WINS 5 MILLION DOLLARS!"
Contestant #73 raised a hand. "Do we get hazard pay?"
Jimmy gave his usual cheerful shrug. "You get 5 million dollars."
At least three people nodded at that. Money had a funny way of making imminent dismemberment sound like a reasonable weekend activity.
*********
The ground trembled. The Orks were coming.
Stampeding, like someone had replaced their blood with Red Bull.
"WAAAAAAGH!" roared one particularly massive Ork, waving an axe that looked like it had been built from a broken satellite dish and several kitchen appliances.
Contestant #49 screamed, "WHAT DO WE DO?!"
Karl enthusiastically answered, "Don't die! Jimmy said that's the only rule!"
Chris added, "And don't let them touch you. It hurts. A lot."
The Orks reached the contestants and immediately began their favorite activity.
VIOLENCE
Contestant #11 fired a bolter round at an Ork, which only made it angrier. It yelled, "DAT TICKLED!" and charged.
#11 screamed and ran.
#18, who was hiding behind a ruined wall, peeked out to aim only to find the same wall suddenly lifted above her.
An Ork held it like a frisbee.
"RUDE," #18 muttered before the Ork threw it.
*********
Jimmy raised a megaphone. "FIRST CHALLENGE! IF YOU SURVIVE FIVE MINUTES OF THIS ORK ASSAULT, YOU WIN A FREE MEDKIT!"
Contestant #47 yelled, "A MEDKIT?! THAT'S IT?!"
"A PREMIUM medkit," corrected Karl.
"Does it heal broken dignity?" #47 asked while dodging an axe.
"Nope!" said Chris.
"Figures."
*********
Just as contestants began using teamwork, mostly screaming and running in the same direction, a new threat emerged.
A group of cultists led by a Chaosdiver in dark robes marched across a ridge, chanting loudly and off-key.
"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE—WAIT, IS THAT MRBEAST?"
The robed figure in front lowered his staff. "Oh my chaos… guys, GUYS, it's him! The YouTube guy!"
Jimmy waved politely. "Hi! Welcome to the challenge! You're actually the SECOND wave."
The cult leader practically shook with excitement. "Could, could we… participate?"
"Sure!" said MrBeast. "But also you have to try to eliminate the contestants. Otherwise it's not fair."
"DEAL!" shouted the entire group.
Contestant #8 screamed from the distance, "WHY ARE THEY CHASING ME WITH A CHAINSWORD?!"
*********
Contestant #22, who had somehow not panicked yet, called out, "Everyone! We need a plan!"
"PLAN: DON'T DIE!" yelled #31.
"PLAN: RUN IN CIRCLES UNTIL EVERYONE ELSE DIES!" suggested #44.
"PLAN: ASK THE ORKS TO CHILL!" said #19.
Everyone stared at #19.
He shrugged. "Hey, diplomacy is a thing."
An Ork immediately charged at him screaming, "NO DIPLOMAS! ONLY WAAAAGH!"
"Never mind!" #19 squeaked.
*********
One cultist—Jeff—approached Contestant #13 awkwardly.
"Um, sorry, I'm supposed to stab you?"
#13 blinked. "You don't sound very enthusiastic."
Jeff sighed. "I only joined because my brother joined. He said it'd be good for my resume."
"Your resume?"
"Yeah. He said Chaos provides growth opportunities. But honestly, the dental plan is awful."
Before #13 could respond, an Ork tackled Jeff into a crater.
From the crater came two voices:
Jeff: "OW! That f*cking hurt!"
Ork: "GOOD! NOW WE FIGHT!"
Jeff: "CAN WE NOT?! I HAVE A BAD BACK!"
The Ork: "THEN I HIT SOFTER!"
#13 jogged away. "Nope. Not dealing with that."
*********
Jimmy clapped. "NEW RULE! Whoever brings me the hat of an Ork Warboss gets IMMUNITY for the next round!"
Every contestant froze.
Even the Orks paused.
Then everyone slowly turned to stare at the massive, armored Ork Warlord on a ridge.
He roared, "WHO WANTZ ME HAT?!"
An entire battlefield's worth of beings screamed, "NOT ME!"
Except Contestant #6.
#6 sighed. "Five million dollars. Five million dollars. FIVE..." And sprinted toward the Warboss.
Karl whispered, "He's gonna die."
Chris whispered back, "Like, so fast."
Jimmy beamed. "Great content, though."
*********
Contestant #6 leapt onto the Warbos' back.
The Warlord blinked. "Huh? BUG ON ME?"
He swatted #6 like a mosquito.
#6 flew thirty feet, screaming, "NOT WORTH ITTTTT—!"
He landed in front of Jimmy.
Jimmy applauded. "That was GREAT! But you didn't get the hat."
#6 groaned. "I dislocated… everything."
Chris handed him a premium medkit. "Here ya go!"
"Does this fix a shattered pelvis?"
"Nope!"
*********
The contestants ran.
The Orks charged.
The cultists chanted.
Jeff limped away from the crater.
A second group of Orks arrived because the first group had yelled loud enough to attract them.
A third group of cultists arrived because the second group had left a trail of pamphlets.
Contestant #38 yelled, "WHY ARE THERE SO MANY OF THEM?!"
A cultist responded, "We carpool! It's eco-friendly!"
*********
A massive siren sounded.
MrBeast boomed from a nearby tower, "FINAL ROUND! LAST PERSON STANDING WINS 5 MILLION DOLLARS! EVERYONE ELSE—DON'T GET HIT!"
Contestants scattered.
Cultists rushed in swinging.
Orks barreled forward like angry refrigerators.
Contestant #22 fainted instantly.
Everyone watched him.
An Ork prodded him with a stick. "DIS ONE DED?"
Jimmy checked. "Nope! He's just unconscious. He does that."
The Ork shrugged and walked away.
One by one, contestants fell to Orks, cultists, stray debris, loud chanting, someone tripping over a servo-skull, or their own tragic inability to dodge.
Finally, only two remained: Contestant #48 and unconscious #22.
#48 gasped. "NO. NOT AGAIN. NOT THIS GUY."
A cultist swung a staff at her.
She dodged.
She sidestepped an Ork.
She leapt over debris.
She slipped on a pamphlet.
She face-planted.
"ELIMINATED!" boomed the sky.
Unconscious #22 remained.
The Orks gathered around him.
The cultists circled him.
Everyone stared.
Then shrugged.
Jimmy pointed. "AND THE WINNER IS… CONTESTANT #22!"
#22 woke up on cue. "Huh? Did I win? I blacked out again."
MrBeast grinned.