On the balcony of her fifth-floor hotel room, Amanda sat lost in thought, a nearly finished cigarette dangling between her lips. A neglected coffee cup sat cooling in her other hand as she stared out over the city skyline. After a shower that had done nothing to help her relax, she'd tried getting some sleep, but even that eluded her through the long, restless night.
With insomnia as her only companion, she'd logged onto her laptop in the pre-dawn hours and composed an email to her boss—and lover—in D.C. She had detailed the events of the previous night: calling in Angel against direct orders, requesting favors she knew were selfish, and asking to speak with him in private.
Her entire career depended on convincing him she'd made the right choice regarding Angel. She hoped he would ensure that his gun registration was transferred to her name before Stefon finished the ballistics analysis.
On the surface, those requests wouldn't be difficult—if she could persuade him that she loved him. Unfortunately, she needed to convince herself of that first.
She hated herself for using Ethan, and even more so because it was for a man she could never be with again. She suspected that her boss knew something, too. Taking another drag, she blew the smoke out with a loud sigh of frustration. Jamming the butt into the ashtray on the small glass table beside her chair, she lifted her cup to take a drink, only to crinkle her nose upon realizing it had grown cold while she'd been lost in thought.
Setting the cup down, she reached for her pack of cigarettes when her personal cell phone rang—the one she kept separate from her FBI-issued device for exactly these situations.
She jumped at the sound, swearing under her breath. Jesus Christ, Amanda, get a grip on yourself!
Ethan's name appeared on the screen, showing he was calling from his private line as well. On her FBI-issued device, he was listed as The Boss, both because of his official role and his love of Bruce Springsteen. She took a deep breath, already craving another cigarette, then pressed the answer button and put him on speaker.
"Hey, Ethan."
His first words weren't what she expected: "Are you okay, Amanda?"
Pushing down a rush of guilt, she croaked, "No."
"From your email, I didn't think so." He took a breath. "May I ask you something very serious and personal?"
"You know you can."
"Can I? Honestly, with the reports I received and your email, I'm not so sure." His voice was quiet and devoid of the anger she'd been bracing for, but it was still accusatory—and rightly so. "So, off the record here, why did you call in Angel against Stefon's explicit orders?"
"Stefon's refusal didn't make sense, Ethan. The seriousness of the situation absolutely warranted the use of local law enforcement and all registered and licensed personnel. He didn't want a loose cannon more than he wanted to find the girls."
"Is that the only reason?"
She knew what he was asking and deflected. "Ethan, I believe in him. More than I believe in anyone in the New Orleans field office. More than I believe in almost anyone who has to go by the book."
"Because you still love him."
So much for the deflection. Worse yet, Ethan's voice still lacked any anger, and she found that more painful than if he'd exploded at her.
"What he's doing is worthy of his reputation, and I admire him for his dedication, but I'm not in love with him. Not anymore." Would that convince him when it was failing to convince herself?
"Yet, he's enough to risk your career over." A statement, not a question.
Dammit, Ethan! Don't do this to me! "The children are worth risking my career for. Angel has decided to risk his freedom to do whatever it takes to achieve his goals. If only we could do the same, but we can't. So as long as he's out there, I have to give him every chance possible."
"And hooking up with one of the highest-ranking FBI agents in D.C. was a chance worth taking, was it?" Now his voice held a tinge of anger, sadness, and accusation, leaving her to respond only in silence. His next words stung even more. "Was Angel involved in your idea to use me?"
"No! I told him the reason he's allowed to skirt the lines is that we acknowledged his time with the Army Rangers and how valuable he is. I always warned him to follow the rules and not take unnecessary risks. I didn't want him to think he had that much wiggle room."
A moment of silence passed before Ethan replied, "But you did use me."
"I did." Amanda sighed as she leaned back in the chair, the morning air cool against her skin. "And I don't expect you to believe me when I say it was only at first. This past year, I truly began to care for you."
"Honestly?"
She latched onto the hope in his voice. Ethan may have been a high-ranking FBI veteran, but he was a good man. The confusion about her feelings for him cleared like clouds parting for the sun.
"Yes, Ethan. Dammit, if things had stayed quiet just a little longer, I would have confessed everything to you in person, begged for forgiveness, and asked for a chance for us."
She was this close to losing it and breaking down on the phone. Steadying herself, she surrendered to the belief that her career and her relationship had come to an end. "But now I know that's over. All I can do is hand in my resignation and accept the consequences."
Ethan's silence pained her more than any scream or shout, and it dragged on for almost ten seconds. She was about to question if he was still there when he responded with words she didn't expect.
"I can get the registration changed this morning."
She blinked. Did she hear him right? "Ethan?"
"I have a friend who owes me a no-questions-asked favor. He can have it changed before Stefon runs a trace."
He'd offered her a lifeline, and it should have been enough, but she tugged at it a bit harder. "And the other favor?"
With a sad laugh, he followed through: "I'll call Stefon and make the request for him to back off on Angel." He paused. "I'll tell him I plan to bring Angel to D.C. for a direct debriefing. Which is true. I want to meet the man."
"I can convince Angel to come," she confirmed, relief flooding through her. "If it doesn't come with handcuffs?"
"No, it won't. You've made it very clear how important he is to you." Surprisingly, his tone wasn't bitter; rather, it carried a definite sense of acknowledgment.
"Ethan, I can't lie about that. It's admiration, not love. I hope you believe me." She knew it was a half-truth, but Angel was a part of her past, and she needed to let go of it. Ethan was her future—if she hadn't lost him.
"I want to. If you do one thing for me, I will consider the favors my two-year anniversary gift to you."
"What?" She turned off the speaker and held the phone close to her ear, listening intently.
"If you meant what you said, can we try this thing we have for real? No games? No lies? No bullshit?"
Using her free hand to wipe her eyes, she felt the tension drain from her body. "Yes, Ethan. Wholeheartedly yes. I would love that."
"You're an amazing woman, Amanda. Your devotion to the people you love is commendable. I want to be able to share in that. Angel is lucky you have his back, but I want all of you."
"You have all of me, Ethan. Honestly."
"Well, I hope so, because there's one more piece of business that you won't like."
Sitting up straighter, she prepared herself. She had an idea of what was coming next. "I'm still suspended, aren't I?"
"Yes. While I can ask Stefon not to pursue Angel, I can't override your suspension. That would definitely undermine his authority, and I'll be questioned about it. Our relationship would be under a microscope for sure."
"I understand." She had to admit that it could have been much worse. Now she was about to poke the nest. "But I have another request."
"Jesus, Amanda." He let out a light laugh. "You don't quit, do you?"
"Bible nearly took a dozen children last night, Ethan. We still don't have a lot of intelligence on him. Can you demand the reports from Stefon and send me copies? I'm starting to suspect someone inside may be siphoning anything related to Bible away before we can investigate. I can't go to the office while suspended, and even if I weren't, I fear I would be shut out."
"Amanda." His voice grew serious. "We know for certain that someone on the inside is working for Bible. A task force has been working on the issue for the past six months."
Shocked by this revelation, she demanded, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I wanted to, but protocol meant keeping that under wraps from as many people as possible. I'm sorry."
"I guess." She conceded reluctantly. "But we're off the record here, and on our private lines. Can you tell me anything?"
"Why do you think I mentioned it?" Ethan chuckled, then his tone turned grave. "Ever since kidnappings across the Eastern Seaboard spiked, we found some links suggesting it was from a source overseas running operations. Unfortunately, anytime we tried to get information about it, files were marked Top Secret, and even I wasn't allowed to view them."
"How is that possible? From your position, you should be able to—"
He cut her off. "Same reason I didn't tell you. The task force doesn't trust anyone with all the information. There's a shadow group at play, and the force can't stir the nest much, or they'll disappear entirely."
"Fuck," she swore softly. "How big do you think this really is?"
"If Bible has his hands this deep in our ranks," he answered quietly, "it could reach all the way to the top. It could even rival Epstein's files."
"Shit." Really, all she had left were colorful metaphors. The bombshells Ethan was sharing felt suffocating.
"Yeah, so all I can do is order Stefon to send me the files from the raid last night, with no redaction. Whatever I get? Well, I won't know until I do."
"Will you send me what you get?"
"I'll have to encrypt it onto a thumb drive and send it to you over the TOR network later tonight." He confirmed. "Maybe Angel will be able to find something in them that we missed."
"You knew I would go to him."
"You're suspended, Amanda. Obviously, you won't sit in your hotel room watching soap operas."
She smiled into the phone. "No. I'm not sitting this out, Ethan. I'm going to work with Angel from his side for the time being. Maybe I'll finally see what his secret is that keeps working."
"Just," he sighed, "come home soon. Before anything bad happens."
"I promise." She paused, then spoke with real honesty, "I do love you."
"I want to believe that. I'll give you the space you need for the time being. Just promise you'll stay safe?"
"For you, I will."
"Then, I love you, too."
They exchanged goodbyes with a reminder to reconnect when she returned to D.C. She pressed the end button, set her phone down, and lowered her head to rest her chin on her chest. It had gone better than she could have hoped. She had a second chance with him, and Ethan would complete her favors and send the files from last night's raid.
Checking her watch, which read 8:25 a.m., she decided she could nap for a couple of hours before visiting Angel at his sister's shop. The question of who was helping him still nagged at the back of her mind, and she was determined to find out exactly who the 'we' he'd referred to meant.
Standing, she went straight for the bed, welcoming the sandman's sweet visit now that she could shed the weight of her stress for a while. She didn't bother undressing and collapsed face-first into the pillows.