Chapter 24 - Those Closest to Him

Monday / April - 6 - 2015

Harry and Flash

"Damn, man, you okay?" Harry says as he notices the bags under Peter's red eyes, his disheveled hair and all around messy complexion the moment he walks into the hallway where their lockers are first thing in the morning.

"Oh, hey Harry. What do you mean?" Peter asked with a tired tone after greeting his friend while taking his necessary things for school out of his locker.

"You look really tired" Harry explained better as he settled on his own locker "stayed up all night again?"

*Ugh* "Yeah" Peter admits as he suppresses a yawn with his left hand and closes his locker with his right one "I just can't help myself from staying awake sometimes".

*Chuckle* "Don't I know it" Harry laughs lightly as he remembers all the times Peter has been scolded due to him sleeping in class. Even doing so before his uncle passed, when things got worse for Peter "You're going to the cafeteria? Get an energy drink or something?"

"Wasn't going to" Peter says while rubbing his eyes "but yeah, I think that might be a good idea".

"Here" Harry goes and fishes a five dollar bill out of his pocket and hands it over to Peter, who raises a half confused - half offended eyebrow "buy your drink and get one for me too. Oh! And also one of those sour gummy bears if there are".

"You know I don't need your money to buy me things, Harry" Peter said with a slightly offended tone while keeping his raised eyebrow at the boy currently holding the bill in front of him.

"I know you don't need my money, dude" Harry says annoyed as he rolls his eyes "I'm 'paying' you for the favor of you bringing those things to me in class. I would go with you, but I have to finish my homework before the teacher arrives".

Peter would normally argue with Harry, claiming that he would indeed buy what he wants but he would use his own money for his stuff, which would inevitably lead to an argument between the two the moment Peter attempts to give the change back.

He doesn't like feeling like a charity case for his best friend. In fact, he hates it.

He hates feeling like he is being pitied. He never liked it, and he never will.

And Peter knows that Harry does not offer him money as regularly as he does to make fun of him for his financial situation or anything like that, but it's almost heartbreaking for Peter to think that Harry, his own best friend, doesn't think he's capable of taking care of himself.

Because he is.

He is more than capable of taking care of all his needs by himself. He doesn't need handouts from him or from anyone else. He works, he studies, he does his best to provide for May and himself with sheer effort and it's all discarded the moment Harry takes out and offers him cash.

Peter is independent. That's the way it should be - the way it needs to be. Because like many things in his life, money is a battle that Peter fights every single day, and like every fight he has, Peter can't allow himself to lose.

Peter simply can't lose.

Not in this. Not again. Not ever.

But… right now, Peter is too tired. He has been struggling to get out of a dark place for three weeks - in which he barely slept due to his nightmares and own unwillingness to do so - and now that he is 'out' of that dark pit, he feels physically exhausted from being Spider-Man all night and morning long.

Peter is too physically, mentally and emotionally drained to fight his best friend over some petty cash.

"Yeah… okay. Thanks, man" So Peter relents as he grabs the bill from Harry's hand with a tired mumble, but with his eyes still showing his dissatisfaction of doing so "you want to borrow my homework?"

"Nah, I already got all the answers from Gwen" Harry dismisses easily with a casual wave of his hands, ignoring Peter's eyes "but thanks".

Peter nods as he holds another yawn, turning on his heel to head for the cafeteria without another word said between them, unaware of Harry's slightly worried but otherwise satisfied expression on his face.

"Parker accepting the money you wave at his face?" Flash asks with a mocking tone a few feet from Harry, hiding his true curiosity over the fact, as he walks towards him and his locker "that's something you don't see everyday".

"He wasn't going to" Harry speaks the truth as he gets mildly annoyed at the fact that Flash of all people saw the interaction "but I guess he'd rather skip telling me 'no' for who knows how long rather than simply accepting".

It's well known to everyone that has ever crossed paths with Peter and Harry that the latter would sometimes offer the former money. Whether it be to buy his lunch, when hanging out of the school or even going as far as trying to help him score a job at his father's company.

But Peter always denies it all.

No matter how little money Peter has, no matter how hungry Harry knows his best friend is or even if they can't hang out together because Peter doesn't have spare money - to buy things like movie tickets for example - Peter will always deny any financial help from Harry.

And it frustrates Harry so much that it got to a point where people think he is mocking Peter for being financially challenged; sometimes even getting into arguments where Harry demands Peter to accept the money.

But the truth is that, yes, although he in part does offer money to Peter to annoy him sometimes, the real reality is that Harry wishes Peter wouldn't be so proud and allow some help.

Harry knows Peter better than almost everyone for many years now, and he knows that Peter has a lone-wolf like mentality where he doesn't allow himself to ask for help, or even receive it when offered.

Mentality that has gotten way, WAY worse since his uncle's passing a year ago.

And Harry hates it.

In part because that's something that his father, Norman Osborn, admires of Peter. Where the almost completely-orphaned boy doesn't allow for anyone to resolve his issues for him, and instead faces them head on with what little he has. Unlike him, who does nothing aside from spending his allowance.

But on the other hand, Harry forgets about the envy he feels for Peter and his father's respect and truly worries for the boy.

Because Harry knows it. He knows Peter is tired, he knows Peter is troubled and he knows that he could use all the help he could get. But he will never admit that and Harry knows that almost heartbreaking fact will not change any time soon.

"I don't get why you keep offering him money when he has made it painfully clear that he doesn't want it" Flash admits as he looks in the direction Parker left with a scowl on his face; looking disapprovingly at how Parker treats his friends as always.

"He needs some kind of help" Harry sighs as he also looks at the direction where Peter left "He's just too prideful to ask, or even accept it for that matter".

"Which is exactly why I don't understand" Flash says again with a frustrated tone "if he keeps d shooting you down, why do you keep trying?"

"That's a stupid question" Harry scoffs as he looks at Flash with challenging eyes, who is now looking back at him with narrowed and pissed off eyes.

"Yeah? Why's that?" Flash asks with an edge to his voice and increasingly narrowing eyes as if in challenge.

"He's my best friend" Harry says easily with a shrug, not caring much for Flash's 'threat' "and I know we might not seem like that from time to time… but I've got his back, just like I know he has mine".

Peter is Harry's best friend. And Harry knows he's envious of Peter, and he's petty, arrogant, mean and has done many things just for the purpose of bothering Peter.

But they still are each other's best friends.

Harry is conscious that theirs is not exactly the greatest example of what 'best friends' are supposed to be, but that doesn't matter. He can be awful to Peter, and Peter can be incredibly dismissive of Harry to a point where it's really hurtful.

Because in a similar fashion… Peter is not a great friend. Everyone can see he tries - he has always tried, but no matter what, he is still that same little awkward kid that lost his parents when he was too young to handle it properly. And that has always made him someone… weird.

Alienated from the rest of the kids their age.

It doesn't help that he is as smart as he is - beyond everyone else in their school, doesn't share common interests such as sports or celebrities' private lives and he simply seems like he doesn't care about anyone but those closest to him.

Sure, Peter can always be nice when you're around him - sometimes even annoyingly so, but only with those Peter is not close to. He tries a bit too hard to be as friendly as possible when you're in his presence.

When not… it feels like Peter does not care. He goes away from your sight and… that's it. He is no longer there, he doesn't ask for you, nor you hear from him anymore because it feels like he forgets about you - as if he never truly cared about you.

This was something that did not happen to Harry until this last year. And when Peter does this to him, he later feels… forgotten.

Just like he feels with his own father. Utterly and completely irrelevant to the lives they live… just another thing that connects Peter Parker and Norman Osborn, Harry guesses with dejection.

Peter is not a great friend to Harry; Harry is not a great friend to Peter.

…But none of that really matters when day's end comes.

Because both boys have a different bond from anyone else. They are not your typical best friends, he knows it, but that doesn't mean their relationship is fake or anything like that.

It's just a different type of friendship, for a different type of men.

Both of them - each of them is 'different' when compared to anyone else. That's the way that it has been since Harry first befriended Peter back when they were starting elementary school.

And their relationship is different yet true because Harry has always had a 'feeling' about it. Ever since he met the boy all those years ago, he knew he was going to have an impact in his life.

Why? Harry is not sure, perhaps he doesn't even realize this feeling - never had realized that he has felt an ethereal kind of kinship with Peter. But something inside of him knows that Parker will have an important role in Osborn's life.

Perhaps it's fated to be that way.

"Hmm" Flash mused as he softens his angry face "and what does Parker need help with? I mean, aside from taking off that stick he has up his ass".

*Sigh* "I don't know… he just looks really tired and thoughtful… more so than usual" Harry sighs as he closes his locker and starts heading towards his classroom, which is Flash's way "so if you can, please leave him alone - at least for today".

"Leave him alone?" Flash frowns again. Ever since Peter yelled at him and his friends, things had gotten somewhat… awkward between them, so he hasn't even gotten close to him! "if he wants to tell me something, he can do it himself".

"He won't ever tell you anything, man" Harry sighs, with him actually knowing the reason why Peter allows himself to be bullied "he's too prideful to do that too".

"If he had any pride, he would've done something about it by now" Flash scoffs "he would be very different if he had any self-respect actually".

Harry locked eyes with Flash just as he was about to walk past him for a second too long with a tired and almost dissatisfied look. One that the blond did not care for.

"All these years knowing Peter… and you don't know him at all" Harry sighed as he shook his head side to side for a few moments - almost in disappointment, and walked away before Flash could say something back.

Flash remained with a thoughtful expression, still leaning on the lockers with his arms folded; thinking of how Osborn is right.

Flash has known Peter Parker for years and years - longer than all of his friends actually - but he is never able to tell what he is thinking. They have been in the same class together since before elementary school, but they only seem to grow more and more distant from one another as time goes by.

Even though Peter was Flash's best friend, now it only feels like that is just a memory from a different life. And for some reason, that thought bothers Flash.

"Where is Peter?" When suddenly the cold and distant voice of that Frost chick snaps Flash out of his thoughts.

"How should I know?" Flash asks in annoyance. Emma Frost is the only girl in the whole school that he has tried to befriend and wasn't able to; only receiving contempt and disgusted looks whenever he tried to get close to her.

And yet, Parker managed to romance the girl. Another thought that Flash simply can't reason with.

Instead of answering him, Emma only frowned deeper at his response, prompting the taller blond to sigh in defeat.

"…He's at the cafeteria" Flash clicks his tongue and motions to where Peter went with his thumb in mock disinterest.

"Was that so hard?" Emma asks with an annoyed and mocking tone as she walks past him without another word.

*…ugh* Flash had half a mind to curse at the girl, but that's something not even the bully would do. So he simply groaned in dissatisfaction and walked away to his class; not liking how either interaction about Parker went.

————

Emma

Emma walked towards the cafeteria and smiled brightly the moment her eyes landed on Peter, who was walking away from the cafeteria's counter with stuff in his hands, so she quickly moved towards him at a faster pace.

"Peter, hi!" Emma called out as she neared the boy in a chipper voice, making him look at her with those tired and droopy eyes.

"Emmy, hey!" Peter greeted back with excitement that quickly changed to confusion once he saw her concerned face once she got close enough to him "is-is something wrong?"

"That's what I should be asking" Emma said as she appraised Peter's state with a frown "did you stay the night awake again?"

"Uhm, more or less" Peter admits as he switches both energy drinks to one arm and scratches his neck with the hand that is still holding the sour candy while shooting her a sheepish smile.

"Why were you up now?" Emma asks with a slightly bothered tone as they both start walking towards their class.

"Uh… I'm- I can't say it out loud" Peter whispered as he looked around to the other students around them, his face red at being scolded like a little kid by his own girlfriend for staying up late.

But Emma 'confused' that for embarrassment at what he was doing late at night just for a moment. His face blushing, him avoiding looking at her and how he whispered gave her a chance to tease Peter.

"What are you… oh Peter, really~?" Emma asked as she reached her conclusion and giggled, much to Peter's confusion.

"Hm?" Peter asks dumbly as he turns to look at the now blushing and embarrassed Emma giggling at him.

"Were you up at night remembering what we did on my birthday~?" Emma whispers with a sultry voice in Peter's ears, causing him to flinch away from her with a deep blush and wide eyes "how naughty of you~".

"W-what?! I-I don't- didn't do th… I-I mean what we- y-you-!" Peter stammered violently with his words while almost tripping on his step, face completely flushed at Emma's implication and the fact they are in a very public place.

He wouldn't mind this kind of talk or anything if they were just by themselves, but he doesn't really want people gossiping about his 'sexual' relationship with Emma.

If not for everything else, then just because he wants as little eyes looking his way as possible. The fewer people he has to keep his secret from, the better; which would be hard for him if he becomes the fifteen year old who has sex.

Many his age are doing it… he guesses based on trashy TV and such, but gossip like that in real life is bound to spread like wildfire - more so about the nerd of Midtown. Why would he ever want that?

"It's fine really~" but Emma continued, holding in a hearty laugh "if there's one person that's allowed to think of me like that, it's you~".

"N-no, it's not that I - I-I mean I do think of you, but not like…! N-not when I - I don't actually-" Peter kept stuttering as he looked around him, watching as his embarrassment was quickly becoming more noticeable to other students "L-let's go somewhere more private".

Peter switched the candy to his left arm as well and grabbed Emma by her hand to quickly exit the cafeteria. The blonde allowed herself to be handled like that with no objection, enjoying how Peter got teased so easily.

In actuality, Emma doesn't expect Peter to have actually spent this night doing what she's suggesting, but she can't lie and say that the thought didn't briefly appear in her own mind.

And oddly enough, she liked it.

It's exciting to know how much Peter is into her, which she obviously has an idea due to every little detail she notices from him. From the little glances he still steals from her, to the way he goes above and beyond with whatever little money he spends on her to make her smile.

And those little things were made beyond obvious as she recalls how Peter professed his love for her mid kisses while they both got to know their bodies better after an expensive meal and beautiful bracelet he gifted her.

That's why she would love to see what Peter is thinking about right now, a guilty pleasure she used to indulge herself with every now and then before they started dating. But now that she knows that Peter has powers and she promised to him to stay out of his mind, she can't.

Promise she's keeping for many reasons.

The main ones are that she really does want to keep the promise to Peter, showing him and herself that she really does love him enough for her to stop her nature from interfering in his privacy.

And the other is because she is slightly afraid. Peter has powers, which is how he has managed to make that mental barrier he has; so what if he can distinguish her presence in his mind now that he knows what happened the day they confessed?

What would he do if she broke her promise and he found out? How would he react?

She doesn't know. And frankly? She doesn't want to know. She's very happy as they are right now, so why would she do something to possibly ruin it?

"Okay, here" Peter snaps Emma out of her thoughts as he motions to a bench he took her to in a somewhat secluded part of the yard.

"My, my, Peter~" Emma kept her tone as she took a seat on the bench "when I reminded you of our little endeavor, I wasn't expecting you to take me somewhere more private~. Are you perhaps expecting something out of your princess~".

*…Snort* "HA!" Peter finally allowed himself to relax once they were both out of anyone else's sight, and was able to see Emma's mischievous and teasing smile, so he laughed.

A hearty and happy laugh.

"You really are a tease, you know that?" Peter happily asks as he takes a seat next to her left, still chuckling quietly as he says that.

"I like to keep you on your toes. It is quite entertaining" Emma admits with a happy smile "so, is there an actual reason why we're probably going to be late to class?"

*…Sigh* Peter sighs as he leaves his stuff on his lap and runs his right hand through his brown hair, mentally preparing for the news he's about to tell her "I went as Spider-Man again yesterday".

"Really?" Emma asks with genuine surprise "are you finally done with your break?"

"Yeah, I just had to deal with some stuff after… what happened. But I think I'm ready to go back - I mean, I already did yesterday, which is why I'm so tired" Peter admits as he smiles gently at himself and his choice to be back, even if he is still just a bit doubtful of it being the right choice.

"Well, that's wonderful news!" Emma says excitedly and with a happy smile that Peter wasn't expecting.

"Really?" He asks with a surprised expression and tone that amuses her.

"Of course!" Emma says happily "don't think I can't notice you missing going out every night, or your guilty frowns whenever you hear some type of crime was committed in the city".

"So… you're okay with that?" Peter questions carefully "me going back to being a vigilante?"

"I was actually expecting you to take less time in going back out" Emma admits with a shrug and a knowing and easy smile "but yes, of course I'm glad our neighborhood protector is back".

"… uh, yeah" Peter mutters, a little thrown off by what Emma said and the way she rested her head on his shoulder "Thanks…".

It was a little bit weird for Peter to see how genuinely happy Emma seemed to hear that he was back to his nightly life, as if she was sincere when saying she expected him to be back sooner.

He knows that he lied to her, saying that it was just a break. But he figured that somewhere in those three weeks Emma would've figured that he would stop all together.

But instead, she waited for him to say what he wanted. She didn't question him about his decision, asked him about when he was coming back or even claimed to be glad he stopped.

She just waited patiently by his side, and now she is glad that he is back, just like he is glad to be Spider-Man again.

And it's almost heartbreaking to Peter to know that he is keeping his real reasonings to himself. Keeping who he really is from the person he loves.

But despite how badly he feels about it, he simply stays quiet and smiles at her caring demeanor, thinking once again just how lucky he is to be by her side.

"Plus, it'll be good for you to get that check from The Daily Bugle now that Dr. Octavius is paying you less - more so because of everything you paid for this weekend" Emma muses as she recalls all the times that Peter has told her about the budget cuts his boss has had to make due to lack of funding.

When Peter first talked to her about the financial problems of the good Doctor, Emma had half a mind of planting the idea to her father to invest in Dr. Octavius' company. But he, the board of directors and most probably, none of the executive committee members are willing to make a rival company grow - so manipulating so many public figures to do something they would obviously not do with something as big as her company would be too difficult and risky.

She has been getting better though. Without telling Peter, Emma has been practicing and improving her powers on very different people and situations.

Unfortunately, Otto Octavius is an extremely stubborn man that denies any possibility of selling his company. It's like he hates the mere idea of being a subordinate of someone else.

Thought that Emma can share.

"…right, money" Peter hums as he remembers that particular advantage that he has as Spider-Man.

"It's outstanding how little you care for money when you're almost always in need of it" Emma sighs with a teasing tone, finding that quirk of Peter rather curious.

"Eh, you know I don't value money like that" Peter shrugs easily, taking a sip of his drink.

"Yeah, yeah. I know" Emma says as she rolls her eyes fondly and with mock tiredness "I noticed it once again on my birthday".

"Oh come on, this weekend was special!" Peter claims happily and playfully "if I could, I'd repeat that expensive weekend without caring for money a thousand times!"

"Oh? And why was this weekend so special for you~" Emma asks as she also gets in a more playful mood; intertwining her fingers with Peter's as she feels her face heat up.

"Many things actually~" Peter teased while rubbing his thumb on Emma's delicate-feeling hand "but I think the highlight was that I told a pretty special girl that I love her~".

Peter smiled almost proudly at how Emma hid her face in his arm in case anyone else walked by, both knowing that she must be blushing pretty hard right now. Which would ruin her 'Ice Queen' reputation.

Only he is allowed to see her like this.

"Yeah? And what did you tell her?" Emma asks, wishing to recreate the moment that was so special to her.

"How much I love her~" Peter started saying with his voice turning breathy and husky while he rested his head gently at top of her's "how smart she is, how eloquent she is, how beautiful, funny, fashionable… just, she is about perfect".

"Sounds like quite the catch~" Emma quips with her voice muffled by Peter's arm; now it is her turn to be proud as Peter laughs agreement's "should I be jealous~?"

"It'd be pretty weird if you were~" Peter chuckles at her quip "the first case of a princess with dual personality if my memories serve correct~".

Emma couldn't help herself but to laugh adoringly at the dumb joke paired with a 'fun-fact', finding how she really enjoys being called a princess by Peter in such a loving way. As well as enjoying moments like this, where both of them can forget about what's possibly plaguing them in favor of enjoying their presence.

It's… freeing to be with someone you know you can be vulnerable with. With someone that knows you better and deeper than the rest.

And it's that freedom that Emma is sure she brings Peter, which is why he is comfortable with telling her about him being back as Spider-Man - and it's the level of care and love he has for her that makes him ask for her opinion on the matter.

And of course she is okay with it! It's who he is after all! Just like she is a mutant, Peter is Spider-Man. And if he accepts her as she is, why wouldn't she accept him?

Plus, Emma is almost sure that it was actually her that made Peter go back. It must not be a coincidence that Peter gets out of his sad break the moment they do what they did and they confess their love for each other like they did.

It must've been because of her. And she loves that idea.

And a comfortable silence places itself between them, where they are only able to enjoy the other's presence and rhythmic breathing that shows how at ease they feel with just the other.

Silence that didn't last much because of Peter himself, who confessed to Emma with a thoughtful tone - painted with just the faintest trace of doubt and shame that Emma is not able to detect "I… really missed being Spider-Man".

"I know" Emma replied easily, already knowing that for a fact "it's good to have you back, Spidey"

"Yeah… it's good to be back" He answers with a soft smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes and repeats once again - more to himself than to Emma "it's good to be back".

————

Hours had gone by, and Peter felt happy.

He was satisfied and content with his decision. Perhaps it's not the correct one, perhaps his reasoning of penance is the wrong one, and he still has a shade of doubt in his mind about it.

Perhaps he should be more selfless in his reasoning to go back. Instead of being Spider-Man as a way to make himself feel somehow better after what he did by saving as many people as he can, he should just be saving people because it's the right thing to do - because he can - without so much baggage behind him.

But he has that baggage weighing down on him, so saving people can function as two things in one, right?

Whatever the answer is, Peter is sincerely happy at being whole once again.

Peter Parker and Spider-Man - two sides of the same coin that is the entity the teen knows himself to be. And he can't lie to himself, he knows each side is now as important to himself as the other. And now he stopped denying one side.

Going around at night, swinging through the city as he looks for anyone who needs help or a beating is just too right for him. Too natural - too perfect for who he feels he truly is.

And the conversation he just had with Emma just reassured that happiness even further.

Which makes him smile a real and tired smile throughout his whole school day while still being lost in a doubtful thought every now and then.

This caused his usual 'mask' to slip; something his friends took notice of.

————

Gwen

"You uhm… are you okay, Pete?" Gwen suddenly asks after they exit their chemistry class, from which they are both lab partners. The only class in the whole year that Gwen has Peter all to herself.

And she has noticed it. For three weeks Peter has been somewhat distant, but trying a little too hard to make it seem like he wasn't - something he successfully accomplished with most people.

But not with her.

She noticed how he started telling many more jokes than usual, talking more while at the same time saying nothing in particular, his eyes not matching the smile he had painted on his face most of the time.

She is the daughter of a police captain after all; she's better at picking up stuff from people's attitudes better than most.

That, and Gwen knows Peter the best… perhaps only a bit less than only a very few people in this world, but she definitely knows her best friend. So she knows he has been trying to get his mind off something with that uncanny 'upbeat' attitude.

But now… today, Peter is back to being that same guy he's been for the last year. Not the boy she used to know before this year, but he certainly seems to be back.

And her biggest clue is that small smile he has on his face while he thinks no one is looking at him. That smile that makes him look more mature than she knows him to be, that makes him look melancholic and… and sad.

"Hmm?" Peter asks as he looks at his friend with an innocent and curious expression "what do you mean?"

"I… I'm not sure" Gwen admits with a small awkward blush, not really knowing how to arrange her words "I just- you seem different today. Happier but at the same time… I don't know-? Nostalgic?"

She doesn't know how to explain herself, but she knows something is going on with her friend. Something important - something she wants to be a part of.

Because she wants to help him. And he has always been just so god-damn stubborn about not asking or even accepting of receiving help from anyone that it frustrates her… and it saddens her.

Attitude that is always getting worse with each passing day.

And from the past year to now, he has also become so… mysterious.

Back then, Gwen was sure she could tell what Peter was thinking by the way his eyes moved around and his nose crinkled cutely sometimes. She had his every expression and emotion memorized to a tee.

When he was excited, when he was content, sad, even angry - even though Peter always smiled when feeling any negative emotion, Gwen would always be sure of what he felt. For some reason, she has spent much of her youth staring at Peter - as though he was something the young genius found worth studying.

But now he feels so distant from her. So distant, so reserved, so detached at times from her and everyone else. Dare she say he's even secretive?

No…

Gwen doesn't want to even entertain the thought of Peter keeping secrets from her. He never would do something like that! Not to her! They are the bestest of friends!

And even when Gwen can't help herself but think of Peter as a stranger some shameful and counted times, she knows he is still the same sweet, innocent and annoying genius boy she came to… befriend.

And that awful feeling of him being a stranger to her is the feeling she is getting from him all day today. His deep gaze, looking so far from her… sometimes even as though he has a life away from her that he keeps a secret from her.

And that can't be it, can it? Peter must just be thinking of something that he will tell her once she asks him. Which is exactly why she tried - and kinda failed - to make a proper question.

"Oh, sorry about that" Peter says shyly as he rubs the back of his neck with his right hand, only to knock on his temple with humor "I've just been thinking, y'know? Many things going on around this mess".

"Yeah…" Gwen agrees after a little awkward smile "but, uhm, can I know what you're thinking about? J-just because I'm curious, you don't have to say anything if you don't want to!"

Gwen mentally scolded herself at how pushy she might've sounded. But she can't help it, she really wants to know what's been up with her friend and see if there's anything she can do to help him.

Because… It might be wrong and shameful for Gwen to admit this, but she wants something bad to happen to Peter. N-not because she actually 'wants' something bad happening to him or anything like that! She just… she just wants to help him…

She wants Peter to know that she is there for him! That she is someone he can rely on! That she is willing to truly be there and ease him from whatever it is that may be happening!

Because - even when Gwen knows there's no real chance of this - if there truly is a secret he is keeping from her, she wants Peter to know she is there for him!

Peter is… someone that feels invincible.

Gwen has noticed that little by little ever since she met him. He might've been physically weak, sickly, kinda small and with a meek personality. But…

She has never seen him cry.

No matter how sick he was, how sad he might've been, or even how hurt he was from something as trivial as tripping to the hard floor.

He would always smile and wave off any concerns she or his friends might've had, always joking afterward to hide the pain she knows he must be feeling. And she noticed it was the same when he got angry, or sad, or something akin to a negative emotion.

Peter would simply smile at it.

And she used to believe this to be admirable of someone so admittedly weak. But now that Peter is starting to feel like a stranger, she can't help but wonder… what else must've he been hiding from her?

What if his personality has always been a front? What if she doesn't even know him? Peter feels invincible because he always smiles, no matter what, no matter when.

…what if his every smile is fake? What if it has always been fake?

No… no, no, no, no. It's stupid for Gwen to think that! It's stupid for Gwen to believe that Peter is hiding something from her, and it's extremely far-fetched to even consider that Peter is someone so… fake that she doesn't actually know him!

Because she knows him! She knows him better than most people, just like he knows her too! They are best friends! They are important to each other! And it must just be their age and hormones and teenage drama filled with nonsense that is causing her to think such things!

Peter is not mysterious! Peter does not keep secrets from her! Peter is not someone fake that she doesn't truly know!

It's just… dumb teenage stuff messing with her head!

And she knows this, just like she knows Peter! She just… she needs reassurance from Peter himself that he is still her best friend! No secrets between them!

"It's fine, Gwendy" Peter says with a small chuckle - one that is quickly replaced with a sigh once he looks forward at the emptying corridor in contemplation; snapping Gwen out of her thoughts with the seriousness that followed Peter as he talked "I guess… I'm thinking a lot about this past year.

Many things have happened to me, and it all started this very month.

Most of this class… I was thinking about that field trip we had to Oscorp, remember that?" Peter asks, looking back at Gwen as he talks with a half measured truth.

He has been thinking about this last year and everything that happened after he got bit. How his life was forever altered after he got his powers, and then after the accident with his uncle that led him to wear the suit.

How that led down the rabbit hole of choices and consequences that have shaped him to be who he is today. How he was forced to change and he kept on changing by the choices he has been making.

And Gwen nods at Peter with a small pitiful look after she feels like a bucket of cold water was dropped on her. A look that Peter noticed and actively ignores so as to not ruin his mood. And she looks at him that way because she should have realized it sooner.

Peter's uncle's death anniversary was only two weeks away from them, so no doubt Peter looked conflicted. The first anniversary of something like that… of course it would make Peter look slightly off.

And that made Gwen feel… a shameful sense of relief. A weight off her shoulders and a hole filling itself immediately after Peter's confession. Because it's not that he is having a secret, he is just rightfully reminiscing about something - someone - very important to him.

And the relief it's immediate, immense, fulfilling, warm, wonderful and it came with the worst possible news. Peter is talking about his uncle, and she is selfishly thinking of how relieved that makes her feel.

So not really knowing what to say due to that relief she knows to be wrong, Gwen decided to answer Peter's last question with humor, knowing that Peter loves deflecting everything negative he might be feeling with it.

It has been that way since she's known him. Part of what makes him invincible.

"Of course I remember that field trip" Gwen scoffs with a fake and playful smile tugging at her lips "it's when you took those god awful pictures of Chat and me".

"Awful?!" Peter asks with mock offense and a theatrical dismay "you must be mistaken. Both the camera work, and most importantly, the models, were absolutely sublime".

"Don't mock me, mister" Gwen scolded with an increasingly shy blush "you took those pictures while Chat and I were playing around".

"And that allowed me to take the perfect picture!" Peter exclaimed happily and with satisfaction clear in his voice "accurately capturing your personalities and good looks".

Gwen's blush grew deeper once again. She knows she is pretty, beautiful even! And she knows that if she wasn't considered a 'nerd' and dressed better - as MJ has begged her to do - she would have many guys asking her out.

But she's not interested in romance at the moment, and never has been for that matter.

However, something weird always stirs within her whenever Peter compliments her - whether it be because of her genius or her beauty - she always feels weird. Like butterflies fluttering in her stomach and a curious tug at her mind.

A tug that - despite feeling weirdly joyful and warm at his words - makes her feel somewhat sad and empty.

A feeling that always throws her off.

"Thinking of it, this same month I started to freelance for Jonah thanks to Spider-Man" Peter mused as he remembered another thing that happened in April from last year that could help deviate the conversation away from him.

Comment that makes Gwen forget all about whatever she was feeling previously and makes her mood sour at the mention of the menace, given how she is one of the few in the whole school who dislikes him.

*Ugh* "And do you seriously have to take pictures of the guy?" Gwen asks with a scowl "can't you take pictures of dogs catching frisbees or pigeons in the park? Even old people playing chess!?"

"Uhm, I mean, I did try that once. Exactly that, actually" Peter admits as he rubs his neck once again, scolding himself mentally for bringing his heroic counterpart up to Gwen - he could've thought of another distraction "but Jonah wasn't interested. Like, at all".

"I-I get that, but-" she struggled with her words a little bit "I just don't trust him very much. Especially after the way he handled you and… Mr. Connors".

Peter tensed at her admission at the mention of their teacher, but then he only groaned low enough for Gwen not to hear him.

He knows that ever since Gwen saw the limp form of their teacher, paired with the hero telling the blonde that he had no idea who or where 'Peter Parker' was - thankfully not realizing he is him - she got a bad taste of the hero.

Besides that, Gwen has also claimed - as the daughter of a police captain - that vigilantes have no place in a city, and if the citizens come to accept people like Spider-Man, then the city would burn down in anarchy.

… Peter doesn't like when Gwen starts talking like that. He can somewhat see her point, but as Spider-Man himself, that's just really upsetting.

"Yeah… I get that. I truly do" Peter mutters in agreement, knowing that perhaps he could've been less dismissive of Gwen that day. He then asks with an easy tone, trying to mask his hurt feelings "you really hate him, huh?"

Which makes Gwen put on a thoughtful grimace "I would say I hate him, that's too mean. I just… Can I be honest with you Peter?"

Peter was taken aback by the way Gwen suddenly stopped in the middle of the now empty corridor and her serious demeanor; looking at him with a level of vulnerability that is not easy to find with her.

But he didn't let his surprise show; instead, he nodded with the same level of seriousness "Of course, Gwendy. Always".

Peter's seriousness and reassurance was something Gwen needed to explain herself to her friend.

"…I-I'm scared of him" Gwen admits as she avoids looking at Peter, not noticing how his eyes went wide. Her voice became soft and quiet, almost like a whisper "I don't… know why, but I just… he scares me".

Gwen has had that feeling ever since she looked at the hero's mask for the very first time. Perhaps it was something she saw in a dream once… maybe in a nightmare now forgotten to her.

And in that nightmare, for whatever reason, she was weirdly… 'connected' to it. In her dream, she felt as though the mask belonged to her, she felt an uncanny sensation of possessiveness over the thing that made her believe for a moment- just for a single moment - that she was the one 'meant' to be wearing it.

Perhaps in another life…

But that feeling went away as fast as it came.

And instead, it was replaced with dread. With an impossibly and heart wrenching feeling of doom.

For some reason or another, Gwen feels something heavy, uncomfortable and even cold when looking at the mask. Mask that looks back at her in something akin to a… a promise.

Something that she is perhaps fated to do - something that is meant to happen to her.

And the first time she had a nightmare about it, she cried.

Because she felt two very real things in that dream that she has been lucky to forget by now. She felt basiphobic, even while standing still. It was nauseating, isolating, panicky and she felt… she felt helpless. She felt as if she was falling and that was… beyond terrifying.

The other thing she felt, was death.

She didn't feel like she was dying, nor she thought she was in a particularly deathly situation. She just felt it. She felt death creeping up on her as she tried to hold onto the fake floor for dear life.

While she was helpless, she felt cold, and empty, and alone… and scared. She was falling, and the only thing around her was death… all while she was looking at that terrifying mask.

There was nothing but her, the gravity pulling roughly on her whole being and that mouth-less red mask with angry eyes that reflected her own terror in them while she was nearing the solid ground beneath them.

And then she woke up, and as it happens with most dreams, she forgot all about it. All, except her distaste for the mask.

And Gwen, being as smart as she is, knows that this is irrational behavior, so she started looking for rational and logical reasons to dislike the masked vigilante - fearing that someone would make fun of her for being scared of the hero as though she was a little ridiculous girl.

But she was glad that she told Peter her dark and embarrassing secret, because instead of laughing or anything like that, he looked thoughtful. There was no doubt in Gwen's mind that he was looking for the right words to comfort her or something similar.

Just like had always done whenever she had been sad around him.

In reality Peter was… saddened by that.

He knows Gwen has no idea he is Spider-Man or what he did due to the fact that she still acts the same around him, but to think she is scared of 'him'?

It's heartbreaking to hear.

But he can't allow his 'mask' to slip, so he puts on a contemplative face and simply sighs "Can I tell you something too? He sometimes scares me as well".

And that was probably the most truthful thing he has told Gwen Stacy in about a year.

Because, how could he not be scared of himself? Even before he did what he did, Peter has known himself to be scary - terrifying even.

To simply stop being a regular human after a single life changing moment. To go from the weak and sometimes even sickly kid he was to what he is now. It's a scary change.

One that came from nowhere. Without warning or anything like that. He was just dumped with the powers of the spider one day, and with it, the huge amount of responsibility he feels weighing down on his shoulders every single moment.

And above all, three things scare him from that.

The first is for Peter to think that someone else could've been the one bitten. What would've happened if someone like The Chameleon or The Shocker had gotten bitten before he was? Making them way more dangerous than they already are.

Or even someone who would turn evil when acquiring the powers, much like what happened with Electro.

And if that happened, who would stop them? The Avengers? For some reason, Peter doubts it. They have never helped him before.

And sure, he has Captain America's and the Avenger's number in case he needs the help, but Peter is saving that for something really big.

Petty crime though? Doesn't really seem up their alley.

Now, it also could've been one of his classmates the one that got bit… Peter shudders at the thought of Flash having Spider-abilities or Kenny swinging around in spandex.

But there goes the second thing that scares him.

How wrong that thought feels for Peter, because for some reason, he feels a strange level of possession when it comes to his powers.

Like it was meant to be his, even when knowing that it was one in a millionth chance of him getting bitten due to all the variables that day.

How 'fated' Peter feels himself to get his powers is… something he doesn't want to think about, yet, he can't help himself but feel that way.

And the third reason is the most obvious one. His strength. How terrifying and crazy strong he is, which now he not only knows, but has first hand experience of how mortally dangerous he is.

Thus, mainly for these three reasons, 'Peter' is 'scared' of 'Spider-Man'.

"Really?" Gwen asks with surprise "why?"

Question that makes Peter give Gwen a very clearly fake chuckle; one that conveys how he doesn't want to answer truthfully "Have you seen the guy? He crawls up walls like Dracula in that one movie with the crazy hair, he punches monsters on the daily and I think his webs are nasty".

Gwen could see that Peter saved the real answer for himself, but unlike the times she thinks he's hiding something profound from her, she could easily tell Peter was nervous in telling her the truth.

Perhaps because it was something embarrassing? It really didn't matter.

Because instead of making fun of her or saying how ridiculous it was, he instead tried to empathize with her in a truthful and vulnerable manner, and that's what matters to Gwen. Because that shows that he is no stranger… he is her best friend. Just like it has always been.

"Yeah" she agreed with a playful smile "I guess that's kinda nasty".

Thus forming a comfortable silence between as they renewed their walk to their next class. Silence that was quickly broken by Peter.

"I framed that picture. I told you that, didn't I?" Peter asked while trying to hide a teasing smirk.

"Hm? What pict-" *Gasp* Gwen started to question, but she gasped when she realized he was talking about the one they were talking about a few moments ago "No, you didn't!"

"Oh yeah" Peter replied smugly "it's right there on my desk with my other stuff".

Gwen knows that Peter, as someone who has had a passion for photography since middle school, has all kinds of pictures everywhere in his room. She has even agreed to let him keep a few of her along the many years she's been his friend - just like she has many of him and the rest of her friends - so it shouldn't be a surprise that he has that one as well.

But it's embarrassing to think that one of her best friends has that type of picture of her in his room. Mostly because he's a boy and she's doing something silly.

So Gwen started whining while Peter laughed, successfully bantering with each other about the picture while they walked.

And this was the first time in three weeks that Gwen felt so at ease around Peter. For a moment she even closed her eyes when Peter let out a boisterous laugh and she could imagine Peter still with his big-round glasses, lankier form and overall nerdish look.

The way she met and befriended him.

The way she still pictures him when thinking of 'Peter Parker'.

"Oh yeah" Peter asks with a challenging tone, a smirk and a raised eyebrow as he holds open the door for Gwen "and just how are you going to destroy the photo?"

"You leave the details to me" Gwen shrugs with an equally challenging smile "don't forget who is smarter between us".

Peter chuckled at her quip, but scoffed playfully after "as if I could ever forget about Ms. Stacy over here".

"Yeah…" Gwen said with a small embarrassed blush on her face as Peter opened the door to their next class for her to tho through first "make sure you don't".

————

Mary Jane

Three weeks.

Mary Jane Watson, the young and beautiful aspiring singer, model and actress, watched Peter Parker carefully for three weeks.

Because for three weeks, she could feel her best friend back. Truly, really and completely back.

And she was beyond thrilled by that.

It was like he never changed! Like the past year was just an uncomfortable patch in his life that was finally resolved, and all she had to do was wait for him to snap back into who he truly is!

That lovable dork who loves reading college level books, who gets excited by silly-brainless movies, who does anything and everything he can to help his fellow students and aunt.

And most importantly for MJ, her number one fan that is always there to lend an ear, offer his support and be there to watch her grow! Her anchor in life! Her best friend who she adores oh so much!

It really was wonderful for the redhead to see Peter stick to her - whenever Emma was not around of course - every time he had a chance! And best of all! He never blew her off!

Many, many times did Peter pretend to hear her while she was excitedly talking to him about whatever came to her. Many were the times where he would be too tired or too busy to hang out after school. And many were the awful and hurtful times where they did hang out, only for him to disappear for any stupid reason he might've had.

But not these past three weeks!

The very next day after Peter yelled at Flash's clique, he seemed to have snapped back into who he really is. Almost like Peter was making things right after doing something he felt guilty about.

But that was an uncomfortable thought for MJ. Because, what could sweet, innocent Peter Parker feel guilty about? She didn't know.

And what does hurt her, is that she would most likely never know, even if she wanted to.

Because she's known Peter long enough to know that he keeps heavy things too close to his heart so as to not burden anyone with his problems. Something frustrating and weirdly admiring about him.

She could try asking him what's wrong, perhaps even get a chance for her to help him for once! God knows Peter has needed some type of help for a long tíme now, but she knows it would be futile.

Peter, despite everyone close to him knowing he needs some type of help - one which no one has any idea of what 'type' - won't ever admit it. If asked about anything, he will simply brush anyone off with a humorous comment and a smile.

And it's… hard being friends with Peter.

Because you know that something is up. Wrong even. But he will never admit it, say it, or even give a hint about it. And you only know something is up if you spent as much time as MJ have spent watching him.

And MJ, being someone that studies screen writes, characters, stories and tips on how to act, is able to tell when Peter is 'off'.

And it's really hard knowing there is something wrong, but not knowing exactly what it is. So, how can you help someone when you don't know what's there to help?

MJ thinks she found the answer, and that's by simply being there for him. If he wants to pretend there's nothing to fix, then she will pretend like she doesn't want to yell her heart out to Peter to bring him back to who he was before this last year.

Just like she is used to pretending to be okay whenever her parents used to fight.

That's MJ's key to it. No matter how much of a heart ache she's feeling, how much she wants to crawl under her bed and cry, or how desperately she wants to hug Peter and beg for him to be the boy she… befriended, she's simply going to put on an easy smile to the world and be happy.

Eventually, everything will be okay, right?

It happened to her once when she ran away from her home and moved in with her aunt Anna. And it happened again with Peter! Because he is truly back!

Oh how wonderful it feels for her to have the undivided attention of Peter. It's something that makes her feel so wonderfully warm, and cozy, and happy, and giddy, and-and it's just so great!

… so why?

Why does he look so lost in thought once again? All day today, she's seen him be distant, lost in his mind and absent from all conversations - even now as they walk to their houses.

Why does his face show a small and tired smile that screams to her senses that he reached a conclusion that she would most definitely not like?

Why did these past three weeks, where she had Peter exactly as she missed him - as she needs him - flew past her and now feel like a distant memory?

It's not fair…

"Tiger?" MJ calls out for him once they reach her aunt's house mailbox, where Peter would usually leave her to get to his home.

"Hmm?" Peter turns around and looks back at MJ with a concerned look on her face, which worries him as well "is something wrong, Red?"

"I don't know, is it?" She questions as she steps closer to him, which prompts him to raise a confused eyebrow.

"Uh, no?" He asks dumbly "I'm sorry, I-I'm not understanding what's happening".

"I mean…" MJ struggled to find the proper words to convey the point she wishes to make, so she gently and carefully grabbed Peter's hands with both of her own "I don't know actually… I just feel that these three weeks have been great, y'know?

And I think that they have been that way because of you.

Because you have been so present. So attentive, so interested in the present, in what we're doing. And you can't believe how happy I am to have this version of you back with me" MJ admitted with a shy smile and an embarrassed blush on her face with a slow and tender tone while avoiding eye contact because of what she's saying.

Many have been the times where she has wanted to convey her feelings - her true feelings! - to him. If she can't have a real conversation with her best friend, then who could she have it with? Who would hear her? 

A whole year went by of her bottling some really important feelings for Peter, and now that he is as he is, she will convey them. So she talks seriously even though she has no real script of what to say, she just knows that she wants to tell him her truth.

And because of the way she doesn't meet his eyes, she is unable to see the way Peter's eye flickered with disbelief. Because hearing MJ enjoying these three weeks makes him have mixed feelings.

For one side, Peter felt proud of being able to make his friend - one of the best people he knows and absolutely adores - be as happy as she is claiming to be.

Because it was an incredibly hard and laborious task for him to be as she describes him to be with her and everyone else while he felt the way he did. It was so hard for Peter to act as 'himself' while denying 'himself'.

It was almost agonizing for Peter to stand idle as he heard about all the various crimes going around in his very own neighborhood - never mind the whole city to which his heart belongs to.

And it was a confusing, painful and complicated process for Peter to come back and accept to keep being Spider-Man. Process in which he tried as hard as he could to keep the lie alive by being the best version of 'Peter Parker' he could be.

So hearing MJ say how happy she was during this time really made Peter feel proud of himself.

Only on one hand at least.

Because on the other hand, it's heartbreaking for Peter to hear that. Because Peter truly felt lost, and scummy, and wicked, and paranoid about everything, and tired and sad, and anxious, and angry, and, and, and…

'…and this is who MJ prefers?' Peter questions himself as he sees the red head still trying to formulate her words with some struggle.

…Peter understands though. He understands easily that he has been a better friend to everyone when his duties as Spider-Man are not interfering in his personal life. And he knows that MJ appreciates his presence, and he loves that fact because it's one of the few moments where he feels wanted.

… But… shouldn't Mary Jane have seen behind his 'mask' ? Under his pretense that everything was fine? Aren't MJ, Gwen and Harry meant to realize something was wrong with him three weeks ago when his world crumbled down?

Not now, when he crawled back from the darkness of the abyss he felt he was trapped in?

Weren't they supposed to 'see' him?

No… no, they weren't supposed to 'see' him; Peter made sure of that. They are doing things exactly how they are supposed to as the good friends he knows they are. This… this is his fault.

Because of how good of a liar he is.

He can't wear a mask and then feel offended when the people closest to him can't see his expression. The price of lying and not being found out is that people won't know who you truly are.

Actions and consequences.

Peter chooses to be secretive about his life, and as a consequence he gets to be something almost like a stranger to the people most important to him.

Because that's for the best, right?

Peter can keep an illusion that his friends can enjoy while keeping his other life away from them, just like it's meant to be. Even if it breaks his heart to realize how little his friends actually know him.

Unaware of Peter's internal turmoil, MJ continues.

"I've really missed 'this' Peter like you have no idea. But… today I feel like you stopped being present again. And so I ask you, did-did something happen? Because if it did, you know you can always tell me, right?" MJ asked as she squeezed Peter's hands in a reassuring gesture and a small nervous smile on her face.

Peter studies her face for a second too long, in which he only scolds himself for being so see-through - at least for the day.

'Harry, Gwen and now MJ… I really need to get my act together' Peter thinks as he plans what to tell her.

"I'm sorry, MJ. I…" Peter starts talking with an unusually deep and serious voice that MJ wasn't expecting "I am sorry I made you feel like I wasn't listening to you today. I just had a lot going on in my head because I… remembered something I talked about with my uncle about myself. Something I remembered and reaffirmed yesterday".

MJ could feel the sincerity behind his words. Whatever he's talking about, it's clear to the redhead that it's important to him.

It has to be.

If not, then why would he look away from her?

"What was it?" MJ couldn't help herself but ask; wanting nothing more in the moment than take a peek at her best friend's mind to see what is really going on with one of the most important people in her life.

"What I want to do…" Peter replied to her with that same tone from before. Although for some reason, even though Peter is squeezing her hands back and is looking deeply into her emerald green eyes, MJ feels like he isn't quite talking to her, but rather reminiscing something beyond her "who I want to be".

"… And who is that?" MJ hesitated just for a moment to ask with a worried expression on her face; her voice quiet and shy.

Because she knows exactly who Peter is. Who he is supposed to be. And that is the boy that works as her anchor in this city, the one that makes her laugh like no other, the one that keeps her grounded while at the same time making her feel like nothing is impossible.

The one she… she… she doesn't know. She 'feels' like there should be more than what she knows is there. But everytime she tries to get ahold of that feeling she loses it; it slips from her fingers and she feels a void in her heart and a blank space in her mind where something precious to her should be.

And she knows it's related to Peter because of how her heart beats when she thinks of him but… she can't remember. And she isn't even aware of all of this.

But despite that, she still knows who she wants Peter to be.

Her number one fan.

He's perfect the way he is. So why can't he stay the same way he's always been? Why should he change? Because of what happened with his uncle? Because of their teacher? Because he has a girlfriend? Or could it be something else that she doesn't know about?

Honestly? She doesn't care.

She just cares about Peter staying the same. For her. For himself.

For them.

Because she knows both of them were happy like that. Because she feels they can be happy like that.

Thinking and feeling all that, MJ's eyes shine as she feels her eyes filling themselves with tears that she is luckily able to hold in. She cares far too much for Peter, and she knows she hasn't been the greatest friend to him…but it's just… it's hard for her as well.

It really is hard keeping up with Peter, and it makes her feel left behind and she hates that. She wants to be next to Peter, and she is sure he feels the same way about her.

And while MJ is thinking all of that, Peter remembers the words of his uncle. One of the few last pieces of wisdom the teenager ever got from his father figure.

'These are the years when a man changes into the man he's going to become, for the rest of his life… be careful of who you're changing into, okay?'

He had thought that the answer to that was becoming Spider-Man, but perhaps that was wrong. Perhaps the answer to that is not how he uses his power - he's got another phrase for that about responsibility - but perhaps that was Ben talking about Peter as a whole.

Who does he want to be? As Peter - as Spider-Man - as his whole self-being?

Peter thinks he found the answer yesterday as he prepared himself to swing through the city under the moonlight, helping people as he is supposed to do - as he is meant to do - once Matt left his side.

Because he IS 'Spider-Man' and 'Peter Parker'. They are both equally real to him. So what kind of man does he want both of himself to be?

'I want to be…' Peter thinks in his head as he takes a deep breath 'Better… I want to be the kind of man who works - who fights - with everything I've got to be better than I was yesterday…'.

And he knows it will be hard.

Because he doesn't want to be a just bit better. No… he'll fight so that the person he was yesterday looks like the worst being in existence in comparison.

He will fight to be the best version of himself there is… and… and he knows it's impossible… that no matter how hard he tries, how much of an effort he make and how much he puts of himself for this, he knows he'll never be the best version of 'Peter Parker' or 'Spider-Man' there could be.

But he'll still fight for it. He'll fight to reach that unreachable point of who he knows he can be… he must. 

And Peter reached his conclusion as he started answering MJ.

"I want to be a better man, Red" Peter answers her softly and gently. With that easy smile she loves to see on his face, making her heart skip a beat "I want to be a better student, a better intern, a better nephew, a better friend, boyfriend, citizen, man.

Someone better for everyone… someone better for you" Peter finally says as he takes a small step closer to MJ, making her heart race even faster than it already was.

This… was the best answer she could've asked for. She knows that she wanted him to say he will stay the same for her, but him saying he wants to be better for her? It's almost like a dream come true.

Because that means he's still who he is, he just wants to be able to give more of himself to those he cares about. And that's simply so… him.

"… but I guess I'm already failing at it, seeing as I made you worry earlier today, and now I'm making you cry" Peter said I'm an awkward chuckle, mixed with real worry at her tears; fearing he might've said something wrong.

But MJ merely giggled softly at his quip and wiped her eyes after letting go of one of Peter's hands "You're such a dork. I'm not crying… I'm just - I'm just glad that it's still you in there.

…sometimes I get this… weird feeling that tells me that you changed, and that scares me" she confesses something from deep within her heart as Peter widens his eyes ever so slightly with hurt, but before he could reach a conclusion, she kept going with a teasing voice "but that way of wanting to be better? Definitely screams 'Peter Parker' ".

"Heh, yeah, I guess" Peter muttered, feeling a little bit embarrassed at her words while mentally scolding himself for showing 'change'.

He can't allow himself to show how much he's changed. Much less to those closest to him.

"It's a wonderful thing to do, Tiger. Not many people care about being good, much less better than they already are" MJ said gently as she suddenly gets closer to wrap her arms around Peter "and I know that if someone can be better, it's you. But please know that I-I… we - all love you the way you are.

Harry, Gwen, Chat, Aunt May… even Emma, we are all here for you, Tiger. Especially me? Okay?" She said because she understood that something must've happened to him that made him think less than he is actually worth.

…again.

But… it's fine. MJ knows that Peter doesn't have the highest opinion of himself - for some reason - and whatever might've happened can't be too bad, given how he returned her hug with the same enthusiasm as hers.

And if it's something big, then it's just a matter of time until, either he tells her, or he forgets all about it.

If MJ is lucky, then he will just forget about whatever is troubling him simply by her being there, just like his presence has been something vital for MJ to see the light outside the tunnel.

She wants to be that person for Peter. Someone who, simply by being there for him, is able to make all his troubles melt away.

Purpose that increases when she notices how right it feels to be embraced by him like this. How his strong arms wrap around her smaller body, how their bodies warm themselves up with the other's, how his breathing tickles her neck ever so slightly.

This is right. This feels correct.

To MJ - without her being aware of it - this almost feels meant to be.

Fated.

And she doesn't realize it thanks to that blank in her mind.

But still, MJ feels the void and cold created between them when Peter breaks the hug. She can feel the longing in her chest for Peter to keep on holding her that way until she is tired of it. And she feels like she would never get tired of Peter.

Even if she doesn't consciously realize this.

"I know, Red" Peter says as she looks deep into her eyes "and please know that I feel that way about you too. About all of you.

And I know that sometimes I do things none of you like, and I act stupid and I get too much into my head… but please know that nothing I do is with the intention of making you or anyone worry. Much less hurt you or anyone in any way" Peter knows that this is not a proper answer, but it's the best answer he can give MJ.

Spider-Man… Peter Parker's whole being is that of a lonely kid trying to apologize to his mother figure - she who took him in when she didn't need to and in exchange got her partner in life killed by a mistake of that same kid.

But his life doesn't revolve around May - even if she is basically the most important pillar of it - but revolves around him and his choices.

And because of that, Peter knows that he is a selfish person on a subconscious level.

He decided to go to that wrestling match, he decided to become the hero 'Spider-Man and he figured it was better to keep it all to himself. He keeps thinking it's better to keep everything to himself, effectively becoming an expert liar.

And even when he decided to quit being Spider-Man - a selfish act - , he then made the equally selfish decision of repent for his sin by taking the mask and the responsibility that comes with it back again.

Peter Parker is a selfish person, but he is also selfless in nature.

Which is why he saves people - why he wants to be a hero. Because it's his nature to be selfishly selfless. He's meant to be like that.

"Yeah… I know" MJ simply answers Peter with a bright and beautiful smile. His actions may hurt her, but she knows it's never his intention to do that.

MJ knows Peter is not someone capable of hurting anyone. Much less someone he cares for. And that's what she thinks he means when he says he wants to be better - to be someone that can't hurt her even indirectly. And she's happy about that.

"I know…" MJ mutters as she hugs him with a big content and satisfied smile on her face again. Knowing that she is just as important to him as he is for her; knowing that he is still the boy that means oh so much to her.

And right here, right now, in Peter's arms, she feels as though everything will be alright. A alone promise of comfort, security and peace that is only achieved with him.

Everything is fine.

She is unaware however that Peter, despite returning the hug with enthusiasm, doesn't share her smile. With the redhead wrapped around him, Peter is left with a serious expression and his eyes showing doubt and uncertainty.

He wants to be better, he just… he doesn't know how to go about it. Is he even doing the right thing now? How could he tell? He simply doesn't know…

————

May

May Parker-Reilly is frustrated.

The reason? She can't decipher what could possibly be troubling her nephew - the son she never knew she wanted and now can't imagine her life without. The single most important person in her life.

He's been 'feeling' off for weeks now. But May can't place her finger on what could be the problem… or even if there truly is one at all. And today seems to be the conclusion to something big that happened to him - something she has absolutely no idea about.

And she can't question or even scold his attitude because he's doing nothing wrong. In fact, this has been the most relaxed three weeks she's had since her husband passed away.

And that's because she hasn't been worrying for Peter.

He has been on time every single night to his curfew, he hasn't been injured in any way - not like those times he's tried to hide some bruises from her, most likely from those bullies he's struggled with since forever now - she hasn't even heard from Anna that MJ is pissed or even worried about him either.

So she should be content with him. And of course she is! She loves him oh so dearly and is extremely proud of him! But… There's something wrong with him. Something eating at him that she just can't figure out.

And it frustrates her that she feels like she doesn't know the kid she has been raising for a decade like she wants to. She should be able to tell exactly what Peter is thinking - what he is feeling - but for a year now, she hasn't been able to do so.

… perhaps she never could, and it took Ben passing away for her to realize that little heart breaking fact.

Or perhaps that gap between them grew because of her own fault, given how she lost herself in her own selfish need to help others to try and forget about her own grief.

And now… she doesn't know what to do.

If only Ben were here…

May has known for years that her husband was Peter's paragon and much more. The place the old man held on the young one's heart is irreplaceable; Ben was Peter's hero, his role model, he represented guidance and wisdom.

Ben Parker was truly Peter Parker's father.

… Can May say she measures up to Ben's place in Peter's heart?

She knows that Peter loves and adores her deeply, there is no doubt in her mind about that. If not, then Peter wouldn't be the sweet boy he is today and she knows this with absolute certainty. And she also knows that she has had a very important role in his life.

But she can also say that she definitely could've done a better job at raising him. There were times where she could have been more loving, more supportive, more nurturing, more caring and more present for the boy.

But… It was hard for May.

God damn it was it hard for May Reilly.

She was happily living her best life with the love of her life, and all of a sudden she had to take the role of a mother. And she had no idea how to fill that role.

Much less to a kid that was so rightfully depressed. And that later one became quite rebellious due to that fact for a brief period of time.

Poor kid was sad, scared, angry and most probably felt helpless; even after Ben and May tried to do everything they could for him. They really tried to be a family for him, something that he could hold on tightly in his worst moments.

But for a few years, that just wasn't the case.

And for a long time, May felt equally lost and helpless.

Because even though she had always liked the idea of helping others and absolutely adored all children, it was a completely different thing to come home back to a sad and honestly broken little boy.

Something she never thought she would even get the chance to do - not after everything that happened.

May's own mother has always hated her for being born, saying how that ruined her life and she just became a burden for her financially challenged family. And May remembers quite clearly how her mother always said children brought nothing but pain and misfortune.

And for a long while, May was content with the idea of never having children herself. At least until she found the man who she wanted to spend the rest of her days with.

It was a fairytale, almost complete with the creation of life born out of the shared love between Ben Parker and the recently named May Reilly-Parker. It was like a dream come true for the woman.

Until she felt something wrong within her - something wrong going on with the life that she was creating inside her.

She had a miscarriage.

It wasn't long after she knew she was pregnant that she was informed of this little fact without even getting to know the child's gender. And that no matter what, she would never be able to conceive a baby of her own.

And no matter how many doctors, physicians, gynecologists, experts and the lot she and Ben desperately seeked for help and a different answer, tye couple never received one.

Her body was simply not 'made' to make life.

And that broke her.

She felt like she had failed. She failed Ben, she failed their marriage, she failed nature, she failed herself, she failed her child and… and she felt like she had even failed destiny.

Because she was meant to be a mother! She was meant to raise someone! To love the product of her own love with Ben! To care and protect for the little boy or girl that was supposed to be running around her house!

But she wasn't able to make that dream a reality.

But what broke her the most, is the fact that she had inadvertently killed her little child. Ben told her it wasn't her fault, the doctors said it wasn't her fault, she knows it wasn't her fault.

… but she felt it was.

And how is one supposed to atone for what she did? How is a mother supposed to apologize to the child she wasn't able to conceive? Well… she did the only logical thing that came to her mind at the time.

She began helping others.

If she couldn't help her child, or even herself not to feel like she was drowning in an endless abyss of grief, then she would help others. She would give her life to those in need to atone for what she had done to her child.

And that way she would forget about the emptiness of her house due to the lack of a key little kid that was supposed to be running around happily, filling her home with noise and happiness - with life.

But that wasn't enough… not really.

So she also became a dedicated religious woman. To try and find an answer as to why God made her body that way - why he makes her feel that way. To find a reason as to why he would deny her the ability to have children when she felt it was part of her destiny.

And it worked, because, how was she supposed to feel that emptiness when she worked for others? How was she supposed to feel doubt when God himself promised to have an answer to it all at the very end?

So May would flee her lonely home to church, and then to help others whenever grief striked. She became a beacon of hope to others, and from that hope, she found the strength to overcome her own sorrow of not having a child.

…At least not of her own flesh and blood.

Because many years after she accepted she would never be a mom - no matter how right that felt to her - from one day to another, there she had a kid under her roof.

And it was scary.

But she tried her hardest; God knows she tried her damn best. But those first few years were miserable for her. Because above everything one could feel when your life is suddenly changed forever without a moment's notice, May Reilly felt angry.

She felt angry at Ben for leaving absolutely no room for discussion on whether or not they would adopt Peter - which she was obviously going to agree to, but a talk about it would've been nice.

She felt angry at the way her entire life shifted, and suddenly she wasn't the priority in her own life in favor of the boy and his many needs.

She felt angry at her brother and sister-in-law for leaving them so suddenly like that. For leaving Peter in that awful situation; under the care of people that aren't his parents the sad and tragic way they did.

She even felt angry at God and fate themselves once again. Because why would May ever feel like Peter being adopted by Ben and her was just so right? Like it was meant to be? Like she was fated to take Mary's place as the child's mother figure?

She felt angry at them because she felt like she was denied a child of her own to take Peter's place as his mother, and that was so wrong.

It was a revolting thought.

A disgusting feeling that made her feel dirty. Because what kind of fate is that? To die and leave your child under someone else's care? What kind of destiny is that for someone? As parents? As people?

What kind of fate was that for the child she lost? For her family?

But above all, May Reilly-Parker was angry at herself.

Every single time she felt angry at someone else, she would then feel so ashamed of herself and she would inevitably cry while feeling an intense self-hatred that she never thought she would ever feel.

It's not Ben's fault that her life was turned upside down in the blink of an eye. It's not Richard's and Mary's fault that they had such an ugly and sudden end. It may be part of God's grand plan, and as a religious woman she should accept and embrace it instead of being filled with doubt.

And it definitely was not Peter's fault.

How could it be? He was the unfortunate little kid whose life shifted the worst out of the ones left roaming the world of the living. Someone who, at such a young age, was forced to deal with grief and the fear of being forced to live somewhere other than his real home with people who are not his real family because they are no longer with him.

And despite how hard she tried, May knows she wasn't what someone like Peter - someone just so badly troubled - needed back then.

But Ben was.

He stepped up and became something vital for Peter. The older man became a rock that Peter could cling on to, a tree that Peter could enjoy its shade of, a blanket that warmed Peter on those cold and frightening nights and a light to guide him away from the darkness in his worst moments.

Ben truly became the boy's father.

And while Ben became someone so indispensable in Peter's life, May still felt that overwhelming need to help others while attending church, following its teachings closely to her heart.

Even though her home was no longer as unbearably cold, silent and lonely as she once felt it to be, she still left it.

Unknowingly giving Peter various lessons.

Wrong lessons.

Lessons about grief and 'strength'.

But May needed that time to herself because s time flew by, she started to think of Peter as her son. It was so right to think of him that way as she started loving and adoring him more and more. It was so right that it felt wrong.

How could she ever wish to be called 'mom' by someone who isn't her son? How could she possibly want to have a child call someone who isn't his mother as such?

When those thoughts creeped on her mind, she literally fled away from a very young Peter. Because she thought that it was wrong to love him that badly.

She wasn't Peter's mom, she was his aunt.

She will always be just his aunt.

But then… She stopped fighting it. What was the case? Why would she ever deny it? She wanted, she craved, she literally cried for years for a chance to give all the maternal love she had to someone who needed it - someone exactly like Peter - so why not embrace it?

So she did. And she became happier than she had been for many years. Finally, she had the life she had always desired next to the love of her life and their child.

She can't remember exactly when she accepted her role as his mother.

Maybe it was when he accidentally called her 'mom' as he was wishing her goodnight when he was nine. Or perhaps the time he got the brightest smile when spotting her at a school event she attended for him when he was ten. Or rather when he gifted her some gizmo he had been working on for weeks to give her on her birthday when he was a little eleven year old.

No… the truth is that it wasn't something that happened on a specific day. It was a slow process that included every single hug, smile and kiss. Every single warm swell of her chest caused by him and his smile.

It all made her understand that the love she felt for the boy was not fake or any less than what a mother would feel for her child.

Because she truly is Peter's mom.

And May wants to believe that Peter sees her as his mother - as sad and wrong as that may be - because she loves him like a son, like if he truly is her son. Because that feels right to her on an ethereal level.

And for a long while, May thought this was the case and she had never been happier in her entire life.

Everything changed when Ben passed away.

Because not only did May lose her husband, she also lost the confidence she had to act as Peter's mother. And how couldn't she? She saw the way Peter was being dragged into an abyss of grief - the same one she was consumed by all those years ago - and she felt powerless to do anything about it.

All because she realized it too late, and that was thanks to her own grief. Because once again, she threw herself to the service of others to try and forget about how lonely her house felt.

It was cold, and silent, and big, and lonely…

But it wasn't, was it? Peter was there, suffering just as much - if not more - as her. Managing pain and grief god knows how, away from her and her own way of dealing with the pain.

They had talks here and there, one particularly interesting one where they cried in each other's arms after she said some heartfelt words of wisdom to him.

But since then Peter has changed, and she doesn't know into whom or into what.

She feels Peter slipping through her fingers.

And she doesn't know why! What changed with him!? Why won't he talk about it with her!? Why can't she force him to reveal what is going on in his life!? Why can't she admit to Peter that she also feels that way after what happened to Ben!?

So she did what she always did best.

She hid herself in her job once again, just like she always does when she feels negative feelings invading her being. A nasty trait that she knows she needs to change but for the life of her she's unable to.

Whenever a nasty feeling creeps up on her, she immediately drowns herself in the service of others to try and believe that there is a promise of a better tomorrow if everyone lends a helping hand to the other.

But in doing so, she neglects the most important person in her life. But what can she do for her son when she doesn't even know what's wrong with him?

Thankfully, Peter seems to be smarter than she is. And she knows how independent, smart, self-sufficient and 'strong' he is. Which is something May has always admired of him.

May couldn't be any more proud of her son than she already is.

But there are times, just like these, that Peter has a look on his face she can't decipher.

As though he is pondering something so vital to who he is as a person. Pondering something May doesn't have access to.

And that is heartbreaking to her.

"Hey, May?" Peter suddenly asks May as she stands up to leave her plate on the counter "Am I doing the right thing?"

They just had dinner together, as they do many days of the week. This time however, Peter was quiet - unnervingly so. He still answered to everything May asked, but she could see that he wasn't quite there with her.

And that is what frustrated her in the first place.

What made her feel inadequate as a mother figure. To know 'something is off' but not even being able to fathom what or how she can help.

But Peter asking something like this from her, even when being extremely vague about it, always warms May's heart like little things do. Because it's times like this where she truly feels like she is doing a good job.

Because she feels like someone Peter can depend on.

"The right thing about what, sweetie?" Which is why May needs more context as to what he is talking about; to properly understand and answer him, showing him she really is someone he can depend on.

"About… everything really" Peter shrugs, not looking at her, but looking at his empty plate in contemplation instead "everything I do. I just… I want to know if I'm doing the right thing. I want you to tell me if what I'm doing is what I'm supposed to do".

There is no opinion that matters more to Peter than May's.

She knows him best. She loves him the most. And she is the single most important person in his life.

And today was a weird day for Peter. All of his friends seemed to think there was something wrong going on with him. All except Emma, who knows he is Spider-Man, but then again, she doesn't know what happened.

But… their opinion honestly wouldn't make much of a difference to Peter. His choice was already made, and their lives would not be too affected by it - he hopes.

But May is his responsibility, and as his mother figure, she has a right to have a say on his decisions.

Which Peter knows it's unfair since she also doesn't know what he's talking about. What is she supposed to say when asked a vague question that she has no real way to answer? It's unjust to her.

And him knowing that breaks his heart. He wants May to know him but… he-he can't…

But Peter asks anyway, because as the selfish liar that he is, he needs to know that at least May thinks he is doing the right thing.

He needs to listen to her agree that he is on the right path - the one meant for him. That his choices are correct. That him being Spider-Man once more is the right thing for him.

And at Peter's words, May thinks she knows what he's talking about. He's most definitely tired; school, the internship, his job at The Bugle, his friends, girlfriend, helping her…

It must be too much for the young man she adores so dearly. And if he wants her reassurance that he is indeed doing good, then of course she will give it to him.

"I do think you're doing the right things, sweetie" May says easily - referring to all his responsibilities - as she places a comforting hand over his shoulder, prompting the boy to look up at her.

And something stirred from within her when their eyes met. Because she knew that those weren't the eyes of the boy she raised, but of the man he is becoming.

And that realization made May feel both proud and sad. Proud for the boy, who she knows will succeed in becoming who he is meant to be… and sad because she doesn't think she'll ever get to know that person.

Not like she wants to.

"Yeah?" Peter asks hopefully and vulnerably; something not even May is used to see in him. Not anymore.

"Of course" May reassures as she steps behind Peter, and wraps her arms around his shoulders and neck in a gentle hug from behind while he keeps sitting "and I have always thought so, sweetie. It's incredible what you are doing at such a young age, with your internship, school, work with your friends…

It's amazing… you are amazing.

And all of it shows how strong you are. How hard working, responsible, mature, funny, caring, friendly, kind, helping, smart.

And I can't even begin to describe how proud I am of you… how much I love you" May's voice broke a little with emotion, prompting Peter to take a hold of her arms hugging him with his hands in a gentle manner, clinging to her while he sat facing away from her.

"Thank you" Peter thanks her words from the bottom of his heart, feeling genuine gratitude at her words.

She might not know what he's talking about, but that doesn't matter to him. If May is happy with the fantasy that Peter projects to her, then he is satisfied with it.

How could he not? After everything that has happened - everything he has made her go through - she still claims to be proud of him and love him. Peter can't ask anything else from her.

Because May is the single most important person in his life.

"I love you too" Peter says with a slightly broken and quivering tone that May is just barely able to distinguish; still keeping his grip on her arms, holding himself a little tighter to his mom.