Noah Langford - Recount of October 2113
I stand in the corridor, still, trying to reconstruct what I have just witnessed. My mind keeps returning to the same point, looping it from different angles.
Why would Cole kiss Kai like that? And What did he mean by that statement?
You're usually the one who can't hold back.
I wipe my mouth once, more out of instinct than necessity, and glance back toward the classroom.
Voices carry through the doorway.
"What the hell, Kai?" Cole's voice is sharper now. "You just hit me."
Kai responds immediately. Controlled, but not calm.
"You touched him."
A scoff. "Yeah, because I thought he was you. That's kind of the point, isn't it? What is this, some dress-up thing for a day?"
"That does not make it acceptable" Kai says.
Cole laughs, but it is short and empty. "Oh, come on. Don't act like you're not usually the one coming to find me first. Like there isn't anything going on between us."
Silence follows that. It's not long but it is noticeable.
Kai's voice cuts through it again. "That is not relevant here."
"It is relevant," Cole snaps back. "Because I thought I was talking to you. So how was I supposed to know I was kissing the wrong one?"
The words land differently this time. Heavier and more defined.
Another pause.
Then Cole again, lower now, sharper at the edges.
"Don't get mad at me just because your brother knows your little secret now."
The door swings open violently.
Cole storms out without looking at me, brushing past like I am not even part of the equation anymore.
I watch him go.
Only then do I turn back. Kai is still in the room.
He is not moving at first. His posture is rigid, locked in place like he is holding something in that is too large to contain.
Then it breaks.
"FUCK."
The sound is sudden, explosive.
He kicks a desk hard enough that it scrapes and tilts, and I flinch before I can stop myself. His fist follows, slamming into another surface. The impact echoes through the empty room.
I have never seen him like this.
He turns sharply, hits another desk, then stops only because he is breathing too hard to continue with precision. His hands drop. For a moment he just stands there, then he bends forward and presses his hands into his face.
The room feels too small for him suddenly. Too loud despite the silence.
Something in my chest tightens.
"Kai," I say quietly, but there is no response.
He exhales once, sharp, then straightens again. His movements are controlled now, but only just.
He walks toward me and I step back without thinking.
"Why can you never just listen to me?" Kai says, still angry, his voice cutting through the quiet of the garden. "Why do I always have to do what you want?"
"Kai-" I try, but he does not let me finish.
"I told you this was a stupid idea. I told you I didn't want to do this." His voice rises now, sharper, less controlled than before. "But you always think you know better. You always-"
He stops.
Not because he has nothing left to say, but because something in him catches up to the edge of what he is about to say.
Silence lands between us.
His chest moves with uneven breaths as he looks away, jaw tight, like he is trying to force the anger back into something contained.
He reaches across taking the hat from my hand, and places it firmly back onto my head. The motion is precise, almost too controlled to be casual.
Then he turns away.
"Let's go just go home" he says cold and final.
And I follow a step behind him, staying exactly where I am supposed to be, without asking anything further.
Not because I do not have questions.
But because, for once, I understand that asking them now would be a mistake.
_____________________
The walk home is uncomfortable. Kai walks a few steps ahead of me the entire way, not speaking, not slowing, not turning back. The silence between us is not empty; it feels deliberate, like something carefully maintained rather than simply absent.
By the time we reach the gate, I can no longer ignore it. "Will you just say something?" I ask.
His hand pauses on the gate.
For a moment, he looks like he might respond. He turns slightly toward me, just enough that I catch the shift in his expression as he searches for words.
Then the front door opens and we both freeze. Our father is standing there, already watching.
This is not a greeting. It is not even a question. It is an interruption that has been waiting to happen.
"In my office," he says sharply. "Now."
We obey without discussion.
Inside, the house feels different, as if it has tightened around us. I move slightly closer to Kai without thinking, and this time he does not stop me. That alone makes my chest feel heavier.
We enter the office together and father leans against his desk with his arms crossed, studying us in silence for a moment before speaking.
"I received a call that you left school early today, Noah."
Kai flinches beside me.
"My apologies, Father," I say quickly. "I was feeling unwell."
The lie is smooth, but it does not settle properly.
Father's gaze does not shift. "Then explain why you are wearing each other's uniforms."
Neither of us answers immediately. The silence stretches, deliberate on his part, unavoidable on ours.
He steps forward, not rushed, not angry in a way that is messy. It's controlled. Precise. He reaches out and removes my hat and my heartbeat reacts before I do.
I glance at Kai. He is tense, watching carefully.
"What is this?" Father says. "Why do you look so ridiculous?"
Ridiculous?
I open my mouth. "I can explain, I had-"
Kai steps forward before I finish, placing himself slightly between me and Father.
"I asked Noah to go in disguised as me," he says. "For an exam."
I turn sharply. "Wait-"
His hand tightens around my wrist, stopping me.
"It is my fault," Kai continues. "I made him do it."
The room goes still.
Father does not react immediately. He simply looks at both of us, his expression unreadable, the silence stretching until it becomes its own pressure.
Then he exhales once, sharp and dismissive.
And steps forward.
The strike comes without warning and Kai drops to the floor instantly. The sound is too clean, too final.
I move toward him immediately. "Kai-"
"Noah."
My name stops me in place.
I look up and father is already watching me.
"Go take that out of your hair."
I do not move at first. Kai is on the floor, wiping blood from his lip where his teeth have split it. He looks up at me briefly, then shakes his head once, small and firm.
A warning.
I feel something tighten in my chest.
"This is my responsibility" I say.
Kai speaks before I can continue. "Just go, Noah." He is not looking at Father anymore. He is looking at me.
I hesitate for only a moment longer before I step back.
And I leave.
________________________
The black temporary dye takes longer to wash out than expected, but I let it run its course anyway. The repetitive motion helps keep my thoughts contained, at least temporarily.
Still, the moment I step into my bedroom and see my reflection, it stops working.
Guilt settles in immediately.
I should never have asked for the swap. I should never have pushed for it, and I should never have confused curiosity with justification.
I knew what home is like for Kai. I have always known. Not in fragments or assumptions, but in repeated evidence I chose not to fully account for. And yet I still let it happen. Because I was afraid. Because I froze. Because I left him there.
The thought becomes difficult to process without feeling physically unwell, so I leave my room and go straight to Kai's.
I knock once, but there is no answer. I open the door anyway.
The room is empty.
The silence feels incorrect, like a missing variable in an equation that should have a solution. I scan the space quickly, confirming what I already suspect. He is not here.
I move downstairs, faster now, heading toward the office. The door is open and when I look in it's empty.
No father. No Kai.
The absence sharpens into something more immediate.
Where is he?
I move through the house, checking rooms with less patience each time until I collide with one of the servants.
"Master Noah?" he says.
"Have you seen my brother?" I ask, keeping my voice controlled.
The servant hesitates, then glances toward the back of the house.
"The garden," he says. "I believe he is outside, but Master Noah-"
I do not wait for the rest. I turn and head straight for the back door.
The cold air hits me immediately the moment I step outside, sharp and unavoidable. I ignore it and scan the garden.
At first there is nothing, then I see him.
Kai is sitting at the far end of the bench, still in my school uniform. His posture is still, almost rigid, as if movement is optional rather than natural. He is looking up at the sky.
I walk closer and only then do I notice the blood properly.
His nose is red. There is dried blood beneath it and the uniform carries scattered stains that do not belong there.
My pace slows without intention.
"Kai" I say quietly.
He does not respond at first, so I sit down beside him.
The silence returns, but it is no longer empty. It is dense, filled with everything neither of us is saying and neither of us has yet resolved.
I try to form something appropriate to say, something that accounts for what has happened without worsening it further. But nothing comes out cleanly.
"Are you disappointed in me?" Kai says quietly, and it lands in the space between us like something he has been holding for far too long.
I look at him sharply, instinctively. "Why would I be disappointed in you?"
He exhales, but it shakes slightly at the edges. His gaze drops to his hands, as if they are safer than my face.
"I never-" he starts, then stops again, swallowing whatever comes next. "I never wanted you to see that side of me. Cole, he… I just…"
His voice fractures there, not loudly, not dramatically. Just enough to show it is not as controlled as he wants it to be.
I watch him fold in on himself a little. Shoulders drawn forward. Guard lowered in a way I have rarely seen from him. And then I understand that this is not about what happened earlier with father.
It is about what happened at the school.
Kai thinks something about him has been exposed that cannot be undone.
Something he has been carrying alone.
He speaks again, quieter. "I didn't mean for you to find out like this. I didn't mean for you to find out at all."
The words catch slightly on the last part. There is a pause where neither of us moves.
Then it lands properly.
Cole. The way he spoke. The way Kai reacted. The way he did not correct it. It clicks into place slowly, like something heavy settling.
Kai is not just ashamed. He is afraid.
Afraid of what I will think of him for something he has never said out loud to me before. My chest tightens in a way that is almost hard to interpret at first.
He glances up briefly, then away again, voice smaller now. "Noah, just say some-"
He stops mid-sentence and his head lifts properly this time.
"Noah?"
The change in his voice is immediate.
"Why are you crying?"
The question hits before I can process it.
I blink once.
Crying.
I do not register when it started, only that it is happening now. I lift my hand to my face and feel it there, unexpected and unfamiliar. I wipe it away quickly.
Kai shifts closer, alarm breaking through his composure. "No, I didn't mean- I'm sorry- just don't-"
His words start to trip over each other.
"I just don't want you to hate me" he says finally, and it comes out quieter than everything else.
That is what stops me. Not the situation earlier in fathers office, not the argument from before.
I look at him properly for the first time since he spoke.
"I do not hate you" I say. My voice is steadier than I feel.
Kai blinks, like he is trying to process it but cannot afford to fully believe it yet.
I inhale, slower this time, forcing my thoughts into order even as they resist.
"I do not care about who you are attracted to," I continue, more carefully now. "That is not a factor that changes anything relevant about you to me."
He stares at me, still not fully moving.
My throat tightens again, but I keep going anyway because stopping feels worse.
"You are my brother and I care for you" I say. "That is the only classification that matters in any meaningful sense."
A pause.
The garden is too quiet around us, like it is waiting for something neither of us knows how to say.
Kai's expression shifts slightly, but it is not relief. It is something more fragile. Like he is hearing a truth he did not prepare for.
I look away briefly, then back.
"I do not understand why you thought that would change anything," I admit, quieter now. "But it does not." My voice breaks just slightly at the end, and I do not correct it.
The silence stretches between us, but it is no longer sharp. It feels like something slowly settling back into place after being shaken too hard.
Kai finally exhales and leans back slightly on the bench, tilting his head up toward the sky again.
"You're still crying" he says quietly.
"I am aware" I reply, though my voice is steadier now than before.
He glances at me for a moment, then reaches over and nudges my shoulder lightly. It is not forceful, not corrective. Just grounding.
"Idiot" he says, but there is no anger in it anymore.
I do not respond straight away.
Instead, I follow his gaze upward.
The sky is clearer now than it was earlier, scattered with quiet points of light. Stars, distant and unchanged, continuing regardless of everything that has happened beneath them.
"…Do you still like watching the stars?" I ask.
Kai hums faintly. "Sometimes."
There is a pause.
Then, softer, almost reluctant, "When I was younger, I used to think they stayed the same no matter what happened down here. Like nothing could really touch them."
He lets out a small breath, almost a laugh.
"Turns out that's not true," he adds. "But it's still nice to pretend sometimes."
I look at the stars for a moment longer, letting that settle. Kai shifts slightly, then tilts his head toward me again.
"You're not angry anymore," I say, more like a confirmation than a question.
He hesitates, then shakes his head.
"No," he admits. "Just tired."
A beat passes. Then he pushes himself up from the bench and looks down at me.
"Come on," he says, softer this time. "Let's go inside."
I nod.
But before I stand, I glance up once more at the sky.
The stars remain unchanged, just like my feeling for my brother.