Trust Walk
Monnie
I honestly can't stand that guy. But I'm starting to realize I don't even have a reason. Sure, our first encounter wasn't great and first impressions last long, but he hasn't actually offended me. Still, I hate him. I hate how he tries to act like the good guy. I hate how he acts like everyone else is broken while he's not. He can barely stand the presence of a woman, clearly dislikes us, but won't admit it. Maybe he doesn't even know it.
I hate how stoic he looks. His cold eyes like nothing moves him. Like he's untouchable. A douchebag. He must think money is everything.
I thought about all this as I walked back toward my villa. I didn't know what session we'd be doing this evening, but it better not be another yoga session, because this morning's was my last. The heartbreak is still so fresh. The memories too overwhelming. The moment I close my eyes, they crash over me like waves, drowning me in seconds.
I do need to heal, but I can't confront the memories yet. Dele hurt me bad. The fact that he couldn't even wait till after the anniversary dinner says everything. There's no discipline in him, no self-control.
But what happened to me? When did I become so boring that he didn't think I'd be down for an adventure if that's what he wanted? I remember when we were younger. Quickies everywhere. I learned how to ride with him. I learned his body, gave him fantasies he never knew he had.
Two years ago, everything started changing. He'd come home tired. I'd try to seduce him, walk around the house in lingerie, even cook naked. Nothing. When I touched him, he barely responded. I thought I was the problem.
Then he started drawing boundaries. Traveling more. But still loving. Or something close to it. Maybe I convinced myself crumbs were enough. Maybe I thought they were better than the bad luck women in my family carry. So I stayed. Ate scraps like it was a feast.
I opened the door to my room. It felt warmer than when I left. I peeled off my baggy shirt, tied on my shower bonnet and stepped under the water. As I scrubbed my skin, I remembered the loamy dirt and scoffed. Grateful not even a scratch showed. Maybe that was the point of the dirt, just enough mess to remind me I'm still here, still surviving.
I reached for my strawberry wash, added a little vanilla essence, let it scent my skin. After, I padded dry and oiled my face with one of the derma towels from my kit. Arabian oil behind my ears, on my neck, elbows, knees. Lotion, lip gloss, eyeliner, mascara. My beige three-piece Skims set hugged my skin like silk. That's why I love Kim's line, luxury without trying too hard.
I tucked my phone into my pocket, slipped two wipes into a ziplock, then headed out. Other women were already walking toward the gathering space. I spotted Fiona immediately and sighed. She didn't waste time.
"So it was you who got paired with Lekan," she said.
"Well, fate I guess."
"Why didn't you say anything? We were placing bets. You could've saved us. Now we have to make sure you two fall in love so somebody can win."
"You better not," I warned.
"Oh, watch your back, girl." She grinned.
"How's it feel being paired with a billionaire?"
"You know I'm close to that margin myself. I'm not exactly starstruck."
"But billions? Girl, you could stop spending your money and spend his. Just keep stacking your net worth."
"What's the point of making money if I'm not enjoying it? I like spending on me."
"Still. Private jet for your birthday. Range Rover as a push gift. Expensive cravings that actually get fulfilled. Way different from being with a 'decent' man on a 'decent' salary," she added, stressing the word like it insulted her.
"Love is the priority for me. That's why I make my own money. So I won't have to choose money over it."
"Who knows? You two might fall in love."
"I know I can't fall for a man like him."
"You never know. Fate always has a way of making the most unlikely things possible."
"I guess we'll leave it up to fate then."
We chatted about random things after that. A girl named Banke. Her tall, lanky partner. But through it all, Fiona never brought up what happened with Dele. For that, I was grateful.
The path to the fire pit was lined with flickering candles. The scent of citronella floated through the air. As we arrived, the retreat facilitator, Johnson, stood by a basket of blindfolds.
"Trust Walk," he announced. "No touching. Just words. One person leads, the other follows. No gender bias. Decide who leads based on capability. To trust someone is to give them the power not to hurt you. To be trusted is a responsibility. Find your partner."
I made my way to the cluster of men, looking for Lekan.
"How are you, Moni?" one of them asked.
"I'm good, you?" I answered, scanning the group.
"My day would be better if it had you in it," he said with a sheepish smile. I didn't respond. Just walked away the second I saw Lekan heading toward me.
"Rumor ranger. Is this the official uniform of the gossip society?" he asked.
"Dry," I said flatly.
"Message passed anyway. Wanna lead?"
I thought about leading him astray, making him step on candles just for fun. A wicked grin curved on my lips before I could stop it.
"Hell no," he said. "You're wearing the blindfold. I'll lead."
"But..."
"No buts. You'd probably lead me off a cliff if you had the chance. My heart isn't as evil as yours. I'll take the risk."
He walked up to Johnson. "We've decided. She's wearing the blindfold."
"Ooh, kinky," Johnson joked, wiggling his brows.
"Ew. Stop that," I swatted him lightly.
Johnson handed him the blindfold and gave clear instructions. No peeking holes. But not too tight.
Lekan tied it snugly. Darkness swallowed me. My chest tightened. What if he led me off the path? What if this was some weird revenge? What if he hated me even more than I hated him?
Johnson's voice interrupted my spiral.
"Lead your partners now. Keep them between the candles. If someone trusts you, your job is to protect that trust."
Lekan became my eyes. We walked.
Johnson kept preaching as we moved. "Love without trust is infatuation. But many of us trusted and were betrayed. This exercise reminds you that loving isn't your failure. Betrayal is theirs. Heal. Don't become what hurt you."
The candles felt hot against my legs. Lisa barked at couples who misled each other.
"DON'T LET THEM DOWN. You'll switch roles in two days. Don't do what you wouldn't want done to you."
Lekan never let a candle touch me. A few times I heard him hiss in pain. I didn't know why. I just kept walking.
Toward the end of the trail, he said, "It's a straight line from here. Do you trust yourself?"
I froze.
"You know, it's one thing to trust others. But can you trust yourself? When people stop being trustworthy, can you make the right call? Being trusted blindly is heavy. Sometimes we run from it. Can you be trusted without overburdening? Because sometimes that's why we get hurt."
He untied the blindfold and walked off.
Confused, I followed. He stood by a bowl of water, washing candle wax off his legs.
"You got burnt?"
"Of course. It was either you or me. I had to make space."
My heart dropped. Every time he hissed, he was protecting me.
"What was that about being overburdening? Why do you keep assuming things about me?"
"Says the girl who called me incestuous with no proof."
"Do you always struggle with jokes?"
"Not when they don't threaten my reputation. One blog post and I'm finished."
I cleared my throat. He didn't know I was a blogger. Just not that kind.
"I'm sorry," I said.
He turned. "What was that?"
"I said I'm sorry."
"Wow. So you can apologize. That's a surprise. Apology accepted."
I crossed my arms. "You still shouldn't assume things about me. I know you have a story in your head about why I'm here. But it's not what you think. Everyone here is trying to heal, not just 'taking a break.'"
"You think that's why I came? To take a break?"
"That's what you said."
"Bonfire night?"
"Yeah."
"Oh." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Was I meant to trauma-dump on strangers?"
"No. But you didn't have to make everyone feel like they were too much."
"So that's what all this is about? The anger?"
"No. I just don't like you."
"Well. That's your cup of tea."
He turned and started walking. Without realizing it, I followed. By the time we joined the forming circle again, I couldn't remember when I decided to.
But somehow, I had. Johnson was already calling everyone to gather. He was the first to perch on the grass, urging campers to do the same. I hesitated for a moment, not wanting to soil my Skims, but eventually, I took a seat beside Lekan who didn't even hesitate. Not very billionaire-like after all, I thought.
"With the first part of the trust exercise behind us, shall we move to the second part? Which is the part where you're handed this card." He lifted his right hand, revealing a small white rectangular card.
"On it, you'll write what went through your mind during the trust exercise. What you felt. What it made you feel. Do you function well when trusted? Do you trust appropriately? Or do you have doubts even when you decide to trust? I saw some partners get burnt because one party could not trust the words of their partner. I've never heard the phrase 'Are you sure?' as many times as I heard Tabby say today. Some of you are awkward when trusted. It's almost like you don't trust yourself. So this is a chance at self-diagnosis. What you had today wasn't the most extreme trust exercise, but it will reveal a lot about your trust patterns."
The cards were passed around with small pens. When I received mine, I thought about how the trust exercise went.
Nothing truly went through my mind. I was busy trying to survive, trying not to get burnt, trying not to fall. And maybe that says a lot about me. Maybe I don't exactly trust. Maybe I just try so hard not to get hurt, not to get burnt, that I don't even realize I'm depending completely on the other person's voice. Strictly following instructions. The whole time Lekan got burnt, I heard him hiss. I couldn't even read that he was protecting me. I was just trying to survive.
Maybe it's my fault Dele left. Maybe it's my fault he cheated. Maybe I didn't pay enough attention. Maybe I didn't love him enough. And as much as I want to keep blaming him, I have to make sure my next relationship doesn't end as badly as this one. I have to make sure I do better.
So when I picked up the card to write, I did it with purpose. To stop focusing on Dele's flaws. To stop tallying what he did wrong. I want to focus on what I did wrong too. I want to become a better person for whoever is coming next. Hopefully, they're healed too.
I started scribbling words onto my card. Diagnosing myself. My trust patterns. How trust, most times, overwhelms my love.
As I wrote, I glanced at Lekan and saw him writing like he was working. His focus was so intense. Maybe he really needs this break after all. Because as little as this task is, he takes it seriously.
I finished writing and dropped my card into the basket being passed around the circle.
"What did you write?" Lekan asked.
"Why do you want to know? It's meant to be personal," I said.
"We were never told it's private."
"Well, I don't want to share. Keep yours to yourself too. I don't want to know."
"Sure, I will. Eventually, I'm going to find out."
"Whatever. I'm just not going to be the one who tells you."
"Whatever."
Johnson turned toward a lady across from him. "What do you know about fire?"
"Me?" she asked. He nodded.
"Well... I know fire burns."
"What else?"
"That's all my mind can think of right now."
"Have you ever heard of the ancient bird, the phoenix?"
He asked no one in particular now.
"The phoenix, before evolution, burns down in a wild fire display. And from ashes, arises a greater version of the bird. So tonight, these cards go into the fire. And when they do, I want every one of you to go to bed. No one will read your thoughts or flaws. You'll divulge willingly when you're ready. So go to bed with a mindset to wake up as the person who works on whatever you found out about yourself tonight."
The fire crackled as the first card was tossed in. I watched it curl at the edges, fold in on itself, and turn black, like it was swallowing someone's secrets. One by one, more cards followed. No one said a word. All you could hear was the sound of paper burning, the occasional sniffle, and the soft rustle of wind brushing through the trees.
I sat still. For once, not thinking of how I looked or how I was being perceived. Not worrying about whether anyone thought I was fragile or fake or difficult. For the first time in a long time, I just existed. Quiet. Not performing strength. Not pretending not to care.
Lekan didn't speak either. But he didn't leave. That was surprising.
After a while, Johnson dismissed us for the night. No big speeches. Just a gentle wave toward the path leading back to the villas.
I rose slowly, brushing grass from my thighs, and started walking. Lekan matched my pace. Not beside me. Not behind me. Just enough to make me feel... not alone.
We didn't say a word. But it didn't feel awkward. Maybe silence is its own kind of language, especially when both people have said enough.
When we reached the split in the path that led to our separate villas, I stopped. So did he.
"Thanks," I said quietly.
"For what?"
"For the trust walk. For not letting me get burned."
He looked at me for a beat longer than necessary, then shrugged. "It's nothing."
But I knew it wasn't nothing.
He started to walk off, then paused.
"Monnie."
"Yeah?"
"You don't have to turn everything into survival. Sometimes it's okay to just... walk."
I opened my mouth to respond, but he was already gone.
The moonlight caught in the trees as I walked the rest of the way back. When I entered my room, I didn't reach for my phone. I didn't scroll, didn't cry, didn't text Dele out of habit.
I just climbed into bed, turned off the lights, and let the dark hold me.
For the first time in months, I wasn't angry at the quiet.
I let it settle.