Nicolas stood next to a window watching his old friends as they made their way into the guest house. He couldn't help but scowl slightly as he saw the young man with long brown hair. He looked so carefree and relaxed. It must have been nice,living life on your own terms without a care in the world.
He closed the curtains and turned his back on the window. It was too late to go out greeting guests. Dean probably didn't remember him, anyway. It had been many years since he had played with everyone as children.
His room was dark. He kept it that way so that anybody who came knocking would assume that he was asleep or out. The only light came from the monitor, which displayed a certain video game he'd been playing all day. The walls and tables were decorated with a mixture of animal posters and gaming merchandise. Strewn about the floor were stacks of notebooks and sketches. On the desk next to his computer were an energy drink, some crisps and a bag of prescription medicine.
As he was returning to his chair, he heard footsteps approaching from the hallway outside. A few moments later, there was a knock on the door. He didn't get up to answer the door and simply sat there in silence. They would give up and leave shortly. As long as it wasn't a certain someone. He quickly hid the medication inside a drawer and turned to face the door. Had he remembered to lock the door the last time he entered?
The door slammed open as if in answer to his silent question. As luck would have it, it was the one person in the entire monastery who didn't give a damn about personal boundaries.
"Ugh, it's so stuffy in here, when's the last time you opened a window?"
Maria stood in the doorway, her form silhouetted by the hallway light behind her. She was a servant and a person he used to hang around with as a child. He rarely saw her these days as she spent most of her time looking after Addi. She had mousy brown hair, which just about reached her shoulders, and green eyes. She looked around the room with a hint of distaste.
"It's cold out." Nicolas muttered.
He'd long since given up berating her for entering his room. It was something he just had to accept. It was his fault that he forgot to lock the door this time. Although even that was not guaranteed to keep her out.
"Whatcha doin?" She asked, not even bothering to acknowledge his excuse.
"Playing games, what does it matter to you?"
Maria laughed and shook her head.
"Doubt that's all there is to it. You're hiding, aren't you?."
She placed a finger on her chin in some exaggerated pose of consideration.
"Dean's come back after all these years. I bet you're trying to come up with every conceivable excuse to avoid him."
"Can't you mind your own business for once?"
He looked over her shoulder. She had left the door wide open. If anyone else came along they'd know he was here and awake. The mere thought of it caused him nothing but anxiety. He made for the door, intending to close it but Maria stood in his way.
"No, no, don't close the door, I'll suffocate!" She said, stifling a giggle.
"Move."
"Nope."
There was an infuriating grin on her face as he vainly attempted to get around her. Sadly, his physical abilities were laughable, and Maria could easily overpower him if she really wanted to. He felt a mixture of rage and shame well up inside.
"Get out of the way!"
"What are you going to do? Report to my boss? Come on, Nick, you know as well as I do that you're not going to risk seeing him for something small like this."
With a groan of resignation, Nicolas gave up and fell onto his office chair, covering his head in his hands. He really should have locked that door. Maria could be crueler than any bully when she was in the mood.
"Hehe, guess I went too far, huh? Sorry!"
Maria apologized in a mock, childlike voice. Nicolas decided to ignore her. What followed was a brief silence as Maria approached his stack of notes.
"Don't touch those." Nicolas snapped.
"Oh come on, it's been awhile since I've seen your collection. Still working on it?"
Nicolas remained silent and resigned himself to letting Maria browse away at the the notebooks. She flipped through a few pages, never stopping to actually read anything.
"You haven't written any new ones in a while, the animals in the forest must be getting lonely without you out there studying them."
"Yeah well, I've been busy, I suppose."
He hadn't gone into the forest for months. He still enjoyed going out and recording his findings on various fauna and flora, but doing that had gotten rather difficult lately.
Silence followed until Maria eventually got bored and put the notebook back.
"Ok, this has gotten a little awkward. Guess I'll say what I came here to say."
Maria's tone changed abruptly once she got bored with tormenting him. Her back straightened, and her eyes that were once full of humor a moment ago, were now half-lidded in a lazy expression.
"Addi was looking for you."
Nicolas looked up at the mention of that name.
"What did she say?" he asked. He couldn't hide the small hint of anticipation in his voice. This didn't escape Maria's notice. She snickered and shook her head.
"Nothing about you personally. She wanted you to come and meet Dean and Matin with her."
His good mood dissipated in an instant. Of course, that was it. She hardly ever spoke with him these days, and when she did finally ask for him, it was about Dean. She really wasn't the girl he once knew.
"Ha, you just deflated like a balloon!"
"Shut up."
"Aw, I could keep you company instead, if you'd like."
She got up took a step towards him. Batting her eyelashes like a professional temptress, she leaned forward and placed her hands on his knees. Her face was too close for comfort, so he looked away.
"Quit messing around. I'm not going to meet them."
"Oh, I'm well aware. You're a hopeless recluse after all."
"If you knew that, then why did you even bother coming?"
She gave him an impish smile.
"On second thought, don't answer that." He said.
At that moment, a thought came to him, and he smiled a little.
"Have the other servants been bothering Rosetta again?" He asked.
Maria's smile faded as she stepped back and folded her arms. Nicolas allowed himself to feel some slight satisfaction at making her uncomfortable.
"She broke a vase or something today. Honestly, why can't she go one day without fucking up?"
Maria walked over to his bed and, without any hint of reservation, fell backwards onto it and gazed up at the ceiling.
Nicolas knew it. She only ever came to his room to torment him and let off some steam. Instances relating to Addi or Rosetta tended to work her up more than anything else.
"It's no wonder she gets bullied. She messes up all the time and yet has the gall to act so high and mighty."
Nicolas sat there silently, listening against his will as Maria vented about her friend. Did she actually expect him to do something about it?
"Hey are you listening?"
"Sure am."
"Tch, whatever. I take it you're not going to get up off your ass and see them with Addi? She was really looking forward to it, you know."
As if in answer to the question, Nicolas turned his office chair back towards his PC and unpaused his game.
"Thought so. Well, I feel a little better after this. Thanks, Nick."
Nicolas heard her get off his bed, walk away and close the door behind her. He was left in blessed silence at long last.
Where did she get off bothering him like that?
He tried to focus on his game and forget about everything, but his thoughts kept drifting back to reality. He should go and see Dean. He should prepare for the ceremony in three days. He should be studying. Should should should should should.
Maybe it would be a good idea to see Dean. It would make Addi and Maria happy, and he could talk to them just like he used to.
No, it wouldn't be the same as it was after what happened, and Addi was so high and mighty these days he could barely stand to be around her. It was all a lost cause that held no meaning whatsoever.
As his thoughts swirled around, he felt a familiar tightening of his chest. The motions on the screen were starting to make him dizzy, and the glow of the monitor became a blinding light. He got up from his chair and stumbled towards his bed. It felt as if a giant hand was squeezing him tight.
"Shit, not again." He grunted.
If he could just rest his eyes for a moment, he'd go back to normal. Breathe, just breathe!
Nicolas!
The deep, grating voice, like grinding boulders, made his eyes snap open. He craned his neck to look around the room. There was nobody else there, nor had anybody knocked on the door.
"It's all in my head, it's all in my head!"
He closed his eyes tightly and covered his ears with his fingers. This only worsened his situation, however. Images began flashing inside his head.
An exhausted woman, trying her best to smile. A group of kids running and leaving him behind. He chased after them but couldn't catch up. He never could, not with his condition.
Nicolas!
Again, the deep booming voice echoed in his skull full of anger and disappointment.
"No, go away." He moaned into his pillow.
He felt a dangerous presence nearby, disapproving eyes all around. He began coughing uncontrollably.
The window!
He scrambled to the window, but the latch was jammed tight. It wouldn't budge. Was he locked in here? No, he had locked himself in here. He should have been able to leave whenever he wanted. If so, then why did the window remain closed?
He screamed as he pulled on the latch.
"You really are useless."
Nicolas turned to see that someone had appeared in his room. That someone was himself yet, healthier looking. He wasn't pale and didn't hunch over like the real him did. His hair was well kept, and he had a powerful look in his eyes. It was the look of someone who expected to be obeyed.
"Go away!" Nicolas screamed.
"Go away?" His alternative self asked. "And where would I go?"
Nicolas bit his lip. It was just an illusion, a product of his damaged mind.
"I really should be in control. Just think of what I could do."
"I have no idea what you're talking about. Even if you did possess me or whatever, you'd then be stuck in my body and then you'd be dealing with my problems!"
"I care not, just let me in."
Nicolas felt a surge of panic. He knew if he let this thing take over, he would probably lose what little of himself he yet had.
"No."
"Nobody says no to me, you pathetic little roach!"
His alternative self lunged at him, and Nicolas closed his yes, raising his arms to defend himself from the blow that was sure to come. When it didn't, he slowly opened his eyes, and all he saw was an empty room.
He tumbled out of bed, shakily got to his feet and ran towards his bedroom door. All around him, beasts wearing the skin of humans goggled and sneered at him. It wasn't enough, it was never enough. He had to run!
He grabbed the door handle, and to his utter relief, it opened. There, he came face to face with a person who froze him where he stood.
Long white hair and red eyes looked up at him with cautious concern. Her clothes were slightly wet. Why was that?
"Nick, are you ok? Were you having another episode?"
He blinked a couple of times. This had to be another one of his delusions. She never came to visit him in his room these days.
"Addi?" he mumbled.
The concern on her face disappeared and was replaced with tired resignation.
"You were panicking again. Everyone on this floor could hear you screaming."
Addi bit her lip for a moment before sighing.
"Why don't we go and get some fresh air? It'll make you feel better."
Nicolas tried to think of a scathing comment, something she deserved. However, he began to calm down despite himself. He straightened a little before nodding.
"Yeah, sounds good."
The pair walked side by side down the hallway. At this time of night, most people had already retired for the evening, leaving the halls quiet. The floorboards below creaked with their passing.
"So why didn't you come, Nick? Dean hasn't been here for so long, I thought we could all finally be together again."
Nicolas didn't respond. He looked away, avoiding her gaze.
"Hey Nick, look at me."
He did as asked. He slowly turned to face her. To his surprise, she was smiling gently.
"See? I'm not disappointed or angry or anything like that."
"How did you..."
"Because you're so easy to read, Nick! Not to mention how recently you've been assuming the worst of me and the others, more often than not."
Nicolas didn't know what to say to that. They'd known each other almost their entire lives. Of course she could read him like a book.
"Sorry, I just needed some time." He muttered.
Addi nodded as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"And that's ok, there's no need to be so tense around me, you know."
Nicolas could feel himself calming down. Her gentle smile made him feel more at ease than anything. He hated that she still had that affect on him.
"You're the Priestess now, it wouldn't be proper." He said.
Her smile faltered a bit, and he thought there might have been a hint of sadness in her eyes.
"I wish you wouldn't look at me like that." She said bitterly.
"Like what?"
She was the priestess and bloody acted like it too. He wasn't about to go disrespecting her and have her guards or, worse yet, Methaeus bother him about it later.
She shook her head.
"Never mind."
As they talked, they went downstairs and eventually reached the back door out into a small garden. As Addi opened the door, a gust of freezing wind assaulted them, causing him to flinch.
"On second thought, maybe going outside isn't such a good idea." Addi said, taking a step backwards and hugging herself tightly.
"No, this is fine."
Nicolas felt the cold air on his cheeks.He felt more alert now and his breathing came easier.
"Fine, but let's not stay here too long, ok? The winter solstice festival is in three days, and I'd rather not deal with it while suffering from a cold."
Her grumbling tone told Nicolas exactly what she thought of that.
"Shouldn't you at least be taking this more seriously?" He asked.
She had been granted an important role, which gave her life meaning. Nicolas wondered why she had to treat the blessing of the Goddess herself as a nuisance. Some people didn't know how lucky they were.
"So you're going to get on my case too? " I at least want you and the others to treat me the same as you always have. Even Maria is getting more formal with me these days."
Nicolas looked away from her. He bit his lip, not knowing what to say. How could he treat her the same after all that had happened?
"With Dean here maybe we can all get together again and have some fun like we used to, right?" Addi asked
"Yeah." He agreed half-heartedly.
Was Dean's return really that big a deal? Sure, they were all good friends as children, but was that still the case? Even without Dean, most of them had remained in the monastery and yet they hardly ever spent time with each other anymore. Addi had her religious duties, while Maria followed her around like a concerned mother. Rosetta was absorbed in her own issues and Matin, while visiting frequently, was busy with his studies and kept a polite distance.
Dean's return changed nothing. The long years had put an impossible distance between them. How could Addi not see that?
He felt his chest tighten.
"Nicolas?" Addi asked.
No doubt she had once again picked up on his deteriorating mood.
"It's nothing." He said.
She looked at him, eyes sharpening.
"Look, I know you probably don't want to hear this now but..."
She paused, taking a breath before continuing.
"If you start seeing things or hearing voices, I want you to come talk to me about it, can you do that for me?"
"What?" he asked.
"Did I stutter?"
"No, but..."
"If you don't understand what I'm talking about, then that's fine. If you do know what I'm talking about, then heed my words carefully."
Addi's usual high-pitched voice had changed. It sounded deeper and almost emotionless. She spoke, not as his friend, but as the Priestess. Was it simply chance? A product of her spiritual role? Nicolas felt his tongue go dry. He couldn't utter a single word in response. She was acting like a completely different person.
He thought about his other self that had spoken to him earlier. There's no way he could tell her about that. She would think he had gone mad. He was mad, as far as he himself was concerned.
Addi's eyes softened once again.
"Ah it's too cold. I'm heading inside. We're all going to have dinner together tomorrow. You're coming, right?"
Her voice returned to normal, and she looked at him with big round eyes.
"Yeah, sure."
She beamed a smile at him.
"Great! We have so much to talk about, I can't wait!"
She waved at him as she skipped away.
"Wait..."
"See you tomorrow, Nick! Don't forget what I said, ok?"
And with that, she was gone. Nicolas was once again left alone staring after her as she left. After a while, he turned back towards the yard.
Beyond the man-made garden lay the forest, which surrounded the monastery. He wondered what would happen if he just ran into the forest. Would he be able to escape from all this? The solid wall of darkness looked all too inviting for him.
As he gazed into that darkness, he thought he saw movement between the trees. It was probably nothing. Animals such as deer were common in these parts.
He felt exhausted.
He looked towards the forest one more time before shutting the door . He dragged his weakening body back to his room and, without changing his clothes, collapsed onto his bed and fell into a deep sleep.