It has to be a lie. It can't be anything but a lie.
But I know it's not a lie. Miria wouldn't lie about such things, not when she's relishing in someone else's pain. She's mocking my father for being human, for feeling things, and choosing to do his duty instead of acting on his emotions.
Rationally, I understand what's going on.
Emotionally, I can't.
"—Anyway," the vampire's cold voice resounds in my ears, sharp like a dagger and cold like ice. It prevents me from breaking down on the spot. "What has that person said? Any new orders?"
"No, none." A click of tongue, and Miria continues, "They've been radio silent for the past few days. It looks like something has happened on their side."
Who are they talking about? I push down the lump in my throat. Now is not the time to be emotional.
"The government's dogs have been acting up lately." The vampire scoffs, hatred distorting her melodious voice into something that scratches my eardrums. "You'd better put your son under house arrest. Danick isn't exactly the most discreet; he's made a scene today again. You're lucky they weren't there to see it."
"Don't you dare—"
"It's true, though. They're amused by Danick's antics for the time being, but if they grow bored with his stupid little stunts, you might lose your precious son. Don't glare at me. I'm only warning you out of the goodness of my heart. They are—"
I can't listen to their conversation any longer. I can hear footsteps grow closer. Goddamn it. I want to know who is that "they" the vampire is referring to; I need to know. But I can't stay. I can't let them know I've been eavesdropping on them. So, I get up and leave, not without glancing one last time at the door.
What have you done, Miria…?
I always knew she was a wrench, but I'd have never expected her to sell her own clansmates. Melissa died because of her greed. James almost died, too.
Let's not talk about me—my fate would have been hell, hadn't it been for Jordan.
***
Slamming the door of the car, I bury my head in my hands. Jordan doesn't say anything, and Todd also doesn't. He ignites the car instead, getting ready to leave the parking lot.
The silence stretches.
I can feel my husband's worried gaze on me. I know I should speak up, tell him what I've heard, but I can't. No, really, I can't speak right now, or I feel like my voice will break. The emotions are raging in my chest, to the point where breathing is becoming difficult.
What do I do now? Can I even accept that my father is not a block of ice and feels emotions? I'm not sure.
That's too sudden.
All I can say is that my father's duty is still more important than his wife and sons. But… I know why. If he doesn't choose carefully, innocent souls could pay the price of his indecisions. He'll always prioritize the option that saves as many people as possible. It's the rational thing to do—yet, being rational doesn't mean you don't feel a thing. Doesn't mean you don't get hurt, and doesn't mean you have no regrets.
If what Miria said is the truth, then how did my father feel when he brought his wife's charred body back home? How did he feel when I lashed out at him for not rescuing us?
I lashed at him just as Bryan had at me.
Why do I even try to imagine how he felt? That's stupid. I know perfectly well how that feels. How these kinds of words make you feel; I haven't forgotten my brother's, even after all these years. They still hunt me at night.
My throat clenches.
I need to know what duty he chose over us back then. I've never tried to find out in the past. All I've heard is that he was too busy to search for his abducted wife and son. I've been told time and again that he couldn't care less about us, that our fates didn't matter.
…Why did I listen to the devil's whispers?
My fingers tremble when I pull my phone out of my pocket, typing a message to my brother. It's going to turn the knife into his heart, too, but he most likely knows what was truly going on at the time. We started to grow distant after my mother's death, and never actually talked about the event. Maybe it's time we do.
Me 15:13
Sorry to bother you when you're busy. I need to know something: what was our father doing when Mom and I were abducted?
I bite my bottom lip and wait.
Like always, Bryan is quick to pick up his phone. The dots are already moving; he's typing something. Still, it feels like the seconds become minutes, and the minutes hours. I can hear my heart drum in my ears when the ding finally resounds.
Big Bro 15:15
Why are you asking that so suddenly? Did something happen?
Bro, can you pretend to be dumb for once? I hate how fast he catches on to things sometimes…!
Me 15:16
Please, just tell me.
Again, the wait is excruciating, and when the answer appears before my eyes, my heart aches.
Big Bro 15:19
There was an attack on a village on the outskirts of Woodclear. A flock of crowd demons was out feasting on people, as well as direwolves. Our father had to go, or the whole village would have perished. Even with his timely intervention, many died. There were too many demons. It was a sudden raid no one had seen coming, taking the hunters by surprise. They weren't prepared to handle an ambush of this scale, and other high-ranked hunters were already out on hunts. Our father was the only one available at the time.
My grip on the phone tightens. It's a similar story to what I've heard, but now I'm old enough to see the details that had been omitted from the version I got. They are small details, yet they change everything.
Yes, crowd demons and direwolves aren't beings that would require my father to be dispatched. That is, if there are only a few of them. A flock of crowd demons and a pack of direwolves are a whole other story. The more of them there are and the longer the hunters take to get rid of them, the more casualties there will be. These things were wreaking havoc in a village, and it didn't allow the hunters to dally, lest they wanted to find a graveyard instead of a village.
My dad chose to save the innocents, the children, the women, the men, and the elderly, instead of his wife and son. Two people versus a whole village. It was a no-brainer, but I wonder… How painful has it been? Every time he slashed a demon and saved someone, did he hope they were his wife and son instead?
I don't want to know.
It hurts too much to even think about it.
"Jordan," I hear myself say, "what do you do when you realize someone you've hated all your life isn't who you thought they were?"
There's a second of silence, then he says, "There's nothing you can do but give yourself time to accept it."
"Is that so…?"
Give myself time, huh? I have wasted so much time already. Could I afford to waste any more…? Maybe. I killed my relationship with my father a long time ago; I couldn't revive it whenever I wanted just because I felt like it. My father isn't my brother, and things have always been awkward between us.