~ The Universe Complaints Office ~
> "If you have something to say to the Universe… get in line. And hope it's not on eternal coffee break today."
Where are we?
At the heart of the Celestial Administration, inside the bureaucratic palace known as the Universe Complaints Office™.
A labyrinth of fluorescent hallways, time cards to punch, and numbered windows that never call your number.
Smells like metaphysical waiting and existential toner.
Purpose of the Visit
You've got questions like:
"Why me?"
"Is this my path?"
"Did I really need that heartbreak in 2021?"
"Is there a plan, or is this just cosmic whim?"
Good.
Fill out Form R-Δ404: High-Level Existential Dilemma Response Request™
(spoiler: nobody has ever received a written answer).
Encounter with the Universal Cosmic Clerk
Name: Officer Anxies
Species: multidimensional bureaucrat
Appearance: humanoid, scanner eyes, jammed heart
Communication: passive-aggressive, monotone, call-center voice
They inform you:
"Unfortunately, your requests have been placed in karmic backlog. We will contact you in the next life cycle. Maybe."
Most Frequent Complaints Received
"I don't think this was my mission."
"Why do I only fall for people who don't respond?"
"I clicked 'yes' to change, and now I feel awful."
"I've lost myself. Can I get a duplicate?"
The Revelation
While waiting for your number, you realize the trick:
The Universe doesn't answer.
Not because it isn't listening.
But because it wants you to stop asking permission to exist. Maybe you don't need permission. Maybe all that's required is you, holding your questions, and the courage to walk forward without instructions.
At the end of the hallway, a sign reads:
"Answers aren't archived. They're experiences. Live them, and maybe you'll understand later."
You leave.
No answers.
But you've reclaimed a certain healthy spiritual arrogance.
\/
Bonus
Cosmic Commercial
Introducing proudly: The Space Ventilator™
The first galactic device to metaphorically scream into the cosmic void without disturbing other lost souls!
What does it do?
Listens to your inner venting without ever interrupting.
Universal translator included!
Turns "WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING?" into "I am undergoing a profound emotional transformation."
Releases a scented gratitude cloud every time you cry.
Responds with phrases like:
"You did the best you could with what you had. That alone makes you incredibly valid."
Includes:
Plush-star-like soft interface
Silent mode for mental screams
Integrated tea-holder (tea not included)
It hits you with automatic reflections like:
"Have you noticed that despite everything… you're still here?"
Available only in parallel dimensions where you treat yourself with kindness!
At a fantastic price!
Just one moment of self-awareness + existential VAT required.
Hurry!! Selling out fast!!!