Is pain a part of normal life, or an aberration to it?
I always believed in the latter.
Now as the last bits of my own being is dribbling away from my soul, I am comprehending the meaning and importance of a normal life in a wider sense.
Even though the memories have long begun to rot at their edges, I still ache for those days when I could at least deem everything normal. Even if they were soaked in the pain of being tyrannized by those boys at school for hollow inconveniences, only standing out as a mocking topic for everyone, being constantly left out by the few ones I thought of as friends, the loneliness of not having a single person even bother asking me how I am doing, and the cold reminder from my parents that I was unworthy even of their gaze — I still crave them. Because back then, pain still felt alive — and so did I.
Now that I don't have what it takes to remember them, nor what it takes to feel them anymore, all I sustain is emptiness and an acute desperation of being filled up again. Even though I just don't know how to make that possible.
I wish someone would be there for me. Someone who would help me, guide me, or kill me...
Always being a fantasizer of an 'out of ordinary life', now that my life has turned upside down, I just wanna go back. I wish someone would lead me back. I wish God would send someone who would pull me out of this misery.
But unfortunately, all I see is darkness ahead of me. I don't want to keep staying here, but I am took afraid of the dark.
***
I don't remember how long I have been like this anymore... feeling no longer human. Even though I stopped going around people at all, I don't think I can conceal it any longer. Some people have already started to notice. After being successful in suppressing those sufferings deep within me for so long, now my only option is to give up and/or die. Now that I finally know what I am becoming, even the option of killing myself has been confiscated. I'll just have to wait till someone knows of it and takes the decision in my stead.
They will know it soon...
Know of what I am becoming...
I think it first started around a year ago- these unusual feelings . For the first week, it was only headaches. Then it worsened to nausea and vomiting.
At one point, I would vomit five times a day— even bleeding with it at empty stomach. My nose would also involuntarily bleed. And in such desperate times, my red eyes piled up by blood beclouded my vision causing an agonizing irritation which wouldn't go out, no matter how many times I hammered my hands filled with water against it. I remember one night striking my head against the wall so hard, that I fainted. Even though I abhor that pain, it freed from all the others for the rest of that night.
Even after all that, I didn't have any significant change on my body outwardly, something, the reason of which I couldn't understand back then. Though I thought it was quite fortunate as no one would know of my condition— especially my parents.
Even though I somehow managed to conceal it throughout the day, the conditions worsened at night, tolling hours from my morning just to clean up the mess I made throughout the night.
I would spend most of the night in the bathroom, since cleaning it was easier.
A month later, it lessened and there began a persistent and agonizing pain in my bones. Crumbling noises would be heard from them by the slightest injuries, along with which rushed an excruciating pain. I even had trouble walking.
Involuntary and violent convulsions of my hands and legs as well as sudden loss of balance and paralysis became quite intimate.
My body felt light and weak—as if my bones would shatter simply by falling out of bed.
Many times, I also felt my bones break—or at least that's what I believed... After all, that pain couldn't have meant anything else!
But horrendously enough, everything would feel normal within a few hours. As if the wounds mended their own selves— something no human should be capable of. These aggravating conditions persisted for months, worsening by the day. Months went on like that.
Many nights, I would spend screaming with my head dug deep into the pillows. The pain felt so intense that when it eased, even a fraction, the chaotic consciousness of my mind wouldn't even be able to grasp my existence. Nights went on without the faintest bits of rest, and the day paying of it's repercussions.
At one point, the pool of blood that I would involuntarily throw up started feeling thicker.
There was flesh in it too... Pulped up flesh...
I occasionally felt a pain corresponding to flesh being ripped out. That pain would start suddenly with a powerful crunch. My body would tremble violently. It felt like a living organism within me, eating my felsh. A constant agonizing sting that I could do nothing about from outside. The helplessness I felt ravaged my sense of consciousness so deeply that one time I lacerated a deep whole in stomach with a pair of scissors and thrusted my hand in there to reach the source of the pain in hope to suppressing it a little. It felt near, but I could never reach it. My entire body would ablaze- heat evaporating, creating a dense smoke. From outside, it felt like I was being burnt alive.
And in the inside, I felt something otherworldly. Like something transcending the concept of pain itself. The pain that I had felt all those time, felt like something worth dying for. Even after enduring so much pain for so long, I couldn't even grasp that feeling.
An immortal consciousness feeling my entire body being crushed for an infifnte time would be the easiest expression of that feeling
The pain of my insides melting...
I would feel so much