The period following the shocking revelation was an awkward one. How could it not be? Xie Lian had apparently been dead for who knows how long, and become a Supreme of all things, all somehow without anyone knowing. Including himself. It was actually kind of ridiculous.
So ridiculous in fact that Xie Lian decided that it couldn't possibly be true and fell back on his tried and tested method of "ignore the bad thing and hope it goes away". If it hasn't had any effect on his life before this, then surely it won't after too. In time he'd forget, and it'd all fade into the background.
This would be easier if he was the only one who knew this new secret. Unfortunately however, his friends seemed to be having a much harder time ignoring it than he.
Not that they were spreading it around, no, they had made it quite clear that they knew this was better kept between themselves. Who knew what could come of him if it were more well known? (Hua Cheng may have also hissed some rather poignant threats to the other two, which was unnecessary but it definitely got the point across.)
What bothered him rather, was that they just kept trying to bring it up with him.
"But how do you not realise you're… you know! You must be able to think of some incident to cause it!" It was an unspoken fact that Shi Qingxuan was rather well known for their lack of tact, but to be faced with it so bluntly Xie Lian was becoming rather offput by it. "And a Supreme too… That would make you the third in existence! How on earth do you do that by accident?"
"I don't know." Xie Lian said plainly, continuing to attempt to hang his laundry in peace. Though he did not invite further conversation at all, Shi Qingxuan continued to speak aimlessly as if it weren't entirely one-sided.
"The other Supreme's are supposed to be insanely powerful right? I mean they definitely are, but your Crimson Rain Sought Flower has all sorts of cool powers he likes to show off, so what are you hiding from us? There must be something fun up your sleeves you've been waiting to surprise us with right?"
"Not particularly."
"Then we should experiment a little, get you a brand! We can have fun with it, don't you want to have a little fun?"
"I'd quite like to get my washing up while it's sunny."
"Oh come on, you need a theme to play with, all the other Ghost Kings have one. Oh, hey, you're one of them now aren't you! That means that there's finally four Supreme Ghost Kings! Why don't you make a name for yourself so you can kick Qi Rong out of the group and take his place? The look on his face would be worth it in the end don't you think?"
Okay that one teased an amused snort out of him. Though he tried to cover it up and keep his expression neutral, it wasn't quick enough. His tormentor had already heard it and perked up with delight to have finally gotten somewhere.
"There we go! You can still smile!" They beamed.
Huh? What kind of comment was that? Puzzlement must have shown on his face as their own softened to elaborate.
"You haven't smiled since the other day. I was getting worried I might have to sit down and have an actual serious conversation with you, but looks like you can still be cracked open with a few dumb jokes."
Had it been so long? Xie Lian hadn't noticed. He honestly hadn't felt particularly different than usual, putting all his effort into carrying on as normal.
Perhaps that was the problem now that he thought about it. The 'normal' that he had slipped into was the one from before he ascended, before he found people who cared. Back then, he made an effort to suppress his hopes and happiness, as well as his sadness. If he didn't have any strong emotions, then it couldn't be taken away right? It would hurt less when his luck came back around right? At what point did he stop this practice?
Long enough that he had forgotten a centuries ingrained habit to fake a smile apparently.
"Ah, the esteemed Lord Wind Master sees through all." He conceded. "I have been rather out of it haven't I? It was just a lot to take in at once, I'll be in more pleasant spirits soon."
He made a conscious effort to smile this time, as practice perfect as it had been until recently. It was enough to put Shi Qingxuan at ease, visibly relaxing from where they reclined in his garden.
"No worries, that sort of thing would be a shock to anyone, I'm surprised you're taking it as well as you are honestly."
They waved a hand dismissively, accepting the excuse easily. Was it just an excuse? Xie Lian caught himself thinking. Surely not. He just needed some time to get back into the swing of things and it could be forgotten. This was an open, honest interaction with a friend who cared about him. He wouldn't lie.
"I'll be perfectly fine."
His heart had thumped to an odd beat in his chest since that night, as if now that the jig was up it couldn't quite keep up the pretence of a normal rhythm. Xie Lian did his best to keep his voice steady as if it weren't a maddeningly uncomfortable sensation.
"Thank you for thinking of me though. I do appreciate the concern. Isn't it better to focus on lighter topics though? I'm sure you've accumulated some fun gossip since then, what's been happening in Heaven?"
There's always some sort of new drama in the court, so it's an easy topic to divert to that has Shi Qingxuan distracted immediately and enthusiastically. It's not that he didn't appreciate the thought, he absolutely did. It was actually quite nice to have people care after so long, to have someone seek him out specifically to put a smile on his face. He was grateful.
Or at least, he was grateful theoretically .
He couldn't quite understand it himself, but something in the pit of his stomach desperately didn't want to talk about this with other people. All of his worst moments in the past had been suffered through alone and then promptly buckled away never to see the light of day. Therefore, it was dealt with and forgotten quickly and relatively painlessly. Now though, other people knew and they asked questions . It became a drawn out situation that he could no longer avoid.
He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to analyse it or address it, he wanted to bury it with the rest of his feelings and move on. And yet the intention behind the prodding was good. He was grateful, theoretically .
And so he put on his best smile, courteous and polite as a grateful person should be, and faked his interest as much as he needed to to bury this little hiccup.
--
"Hey."
While Shi Qingxuan was rather easy to appease, Xie Lian quickly realised (not without headache) that the rest of his social circle was a little too discerning for that. At no point did he consider that Ming Yi would be the one seeking him out however. When he looked up from where he was currently scrawling out his reports though, it was definitely him scowling down with an uncharacteristically conflicted expression though.
"Lord Earth Master." Xie Lian greeted, ever polite as he prayed that this would not be a conversation about what he thought it would be. Such a personal thing with someone relatively unfamiliar would surely be agony. "Is there something I can help you with?"
In lieu of answering, Ming Yi decided instead to take this as an invitation to sit down across from him, still wearing an expression like he was trying to carefully analyse the subject before him.
It was… a little unsettling honestly. Xie Lian squirmed a little under the scrutiny, but otherwise turned back to his work the best he could. Ming Yi wasn't much of a talker anyway, so maybe if he could just ignore the odd behaviour, he could avoid talking about anything too heavy.
"Would you like some tea?" He offered a little awkwardly, gesturing to the tea tray at the table's edge. "The pot should still be warm, help yourself to as much as you'd like."
Ever contrary, he did not pour himself anything and instead reached over to help himself to the plate of buns by Xie Lian's elbow. That was supposed to be his entire lunch for today, but it was fine. If the other's mouth was busy then it was not asking questions, was it? This was a suitable investment in his resources.
The silence stretched on with only the sounds of chewing coming from across the table to break it up. Though Xie Lian was used to silence usually, this one sat heavy in the air, an unidentifiable weight pressing down on them. He hoped Ming Yi would get bored eventually if he just didn't speak up himself.
Alas, the chewing sounds stopped and his guest did not reach for more, obviously attempting to steel himself to pry into a topic that, blatantly, neither of them actually wanted to discuss.
"Why are you doing this?" Ming Yi asked.
Xie Lian wanted to ask the same thing right back, but politeness won out in the end.
"What do you mean?"
"This. Your reports. You're still working for Heaven. Why?"
He made a vague sweeping gesture to the table mess, sleeve catching on a few leaves of paper and knocking them out of the careful order Xie Lian had placed them in. Jumping up, he fretfully attempted to arrange them back in place, batting Ming Yi's hand away with the same intensity as if he were a cat that had spotted a row of fragile ornaments and was hellbent on destruction.
"Careful, I had these organised for ease of reference!" He admonished. "These documents are important, why would I stop? Somebody needs to do it, or Ling Wen will give me an earful."
It clearly wasn't the answer Ming Yi was looking for as he scrunched up his face as if annoyed that Xie Lian was making this difficult. He absolutely was, but Xie Lian was not particularly in the habit of opening up and he wasn't planning on starting now.
"You don't need to do this. You're a Ghost King. You could have your own kingdom if you wanted. Don't you want to get back at Heaven? They wronged you. You could chase that."
Oh. Did Ming Yi think he was a vengeful spirit now?
So it was a matter of distrust rather than care. That made more sense. He'd already been captured by Hua Cheng before, so perhaps he feared an alliance? He couldn't tell why this conclusion hurt him a little.
"If you know my past at all, you'll know that I do not have the best experience with maintaining my own kingdom." Xie Lian chuckled dryly, a little taken aback by the bitterness he found in his own voice. "I assure you I have no intention of turning on Heaven, you needn't worry."
Somehow, that didn't feel like the right answer either. Maybe Ming Yi didn't believe him? Then why did it look like distress was creeping into his features?
"That's not the problem. I mean..." He seemed to be struggling to figure out what he wanted to say, apparently trying to avoid giving away too much about whatever he was thinking.
"You don't have to do what they say anymore. You're free from all this. What's your wish? Go chase that. How much is being saddled with paperwork for the people that left you to die going to help you?"
Ah.
That sure was a way to put it.
Xie Lian wasn't sure what Ming Yi's intention with bringing this up was, but he didn't like it. He didn't know at what point he died, but every death he experienced was his own fault, he was sure. He wouldn't play the blame game. He wouldn't. That would only cause needless resentment.
And what wish? He had no wishes. He hadn't even thought about what was keeping him here.
Why was he here?
He had yearned for centuries to just vanish, to be done with it all. Why was he still here if ghosts could be killed so easily just by giving up, or scattering their ashes?
Oh, he didn't know where his ashes were either… How was he supposed to find them now, they could be anywhere. Is that why he was still here? Was someone keeping them, toying with him? Was someone deriving some sick pleasure from all this?
"Hey, are you alright? Calm down, take deep breaths!"
Someone, somewhere was talking to him. Though logically he knew it was probably just Ming Yi, his silly panic stricken emotions couldn't quite agree, and for some reason all he could feel was that there was a dangerous ghostly presence looming in front of him.
Why was he panicked? He didn't know. After all, Xie Lian was the master of suppressing his problems, and this occasion was no different. He was fine. The dark shadow of a man he thought he saw in front of him wasn't real, and if he blinked enough times it would turn back into the Lord Earth Master, stopping by for tea. If he held himself tightly enough, he could pull himself back into his body, all in one piece, as an alive person generally is. If he swallowed his heart down far enough then…
...Then what?
He didn't know the next step.
He didn't know how to make this right.
He really couldn't run away from this could he?
Maybe not. But he could run away from this .
Unfurling himself (when had fallen to the floor?) he ignored his company's shouts of concern and fled the premises. He wasn't sure where he was going, just a tad too out of it to think, but wherever his instincts were taking him, they told him it was urgent. Lungs that didn't need to breath burned to keep up with the demand, already haggard from tears he couldn't recall heaving out, and he clung to the sound of his heart beat in his chest, roaring as he ran.
These were the symptoms of living, he reminded himself. These were signs that he was very much alive.
--
Despite its name, Ghost City was very much a hub for the living as well as the dead. It was dominated by ghosts, yes, but the living were common enough visitors. It wasn't strange that his feet had taken him here then. He even passed a few fellow (living!) cultivators on his way to Paradise Manor. This was normal.
His interactions with Hua Cheng had been regretfully limited since that night, Xie Lian's reaction apparently giving the impression that his presence was upsetting, and so Hua Cheng had kept his distance without being asked. Though it was a thoughtful gesture at the time, it of course wasn't at all what Xie Lian had wanted or needed. The few days that they had been apart had left a guilty hole in him, one that he desperately, selfishly wished to fill without knowing how.
That must have been what pulled him here. He'd just spend some time with his San Lang and then things would be normal again. Hua Cheng always knew how to make things right. He could fix this. It was fine.
Just seeing the gates of Paradise Manor had him sighing a breath of relief, instantly calming down. Taking a few seconds to steady his breathing, patting his cheeks to cover up any redness, he psyched himself up to make himself known.
"Gege? Are you okay?"
Xie Lian jumped, startled and somewhat embarrassed to have been caught. Turning, of course, revealed Hua Cheng, standing as if unsure if he should have spoken up and looking a little worn out himself.
How horrible that Xie Lian had made him feel unwelcome in his own home and worried him at the same time. He'd have to make up for it.
"Of course I'm perfectly fine, how has San Lang been?" He said in a voice far too rushed to sound casual. "I was worried about not seeing you for a few days so I've come to visit. If that's okay…?"
He really had no plan coming here, and he was sure his awkwardness showed as he fiddled with his sleeves uncomfortably. Regardless, Hua Cheng smiled softly, reassuringly, and his heart felt instantly at ease.
"It's always okay for Gege to visit. Stay as long as you like in fact. It might help me with something actually."
Now that was a tidbit Xie Lian could work with!
"What does San Lang need help with?" He perked up, eager to be of use. Anything to be of use. "This Gege will do whatever San Lang commands of him."
It was a weak attempt to jest, but in that moment Xie Lian may honestly have done whatever was asked of him. Anything to distract from the growing emptiness, to feel wanted, useful, there .
"San Lang has no commands for Gege. Only requests that are completely optional and not anything Gege should feel uncomfortable refusing."
Hua Cheng's chuckle carried something tired with it as he led them into the manor, holding the door open for him like a gentleman would. Ever so attentive, despite his exhaustion. It made Xie Lian's fingers itch to be put to use, to just want to do something to pay him back already. Whatever he wanted was obviously causing Hua Cheng distress, so of course it was his desire to relieve that burden.
"San Lang should ask whatever he wants." He pouted, determined. Obviously he would do anything for his San Lang, and the uncertainty growing in the others faces just made him even more sure that he needed to address this.
"It's just… How has Gege been dealing with… All that? Is it alright to talk about?"
He had led them to a plush sitting room, obviously intending to take a seat, relax, maybe call for some tea to be bought, as they had often spent their time in the past. Xie Lian did not follow, instead stopping in the middle of the room, still maintaining his desperate attempt at a normal smile.
"Dealing with what? San Lang will have to be more specific, there's always something going on. What did you want help with exactly?"
Hua Cheng stood only an arms length away from Xie Lian, but the distressed look in his eye made it feel like a mile. It hadn't been that long, but he missed the times when that eye looked at him fondly. Instead it trailed down to watch his hands by his side, and Xie Lian realised the fidgeting with his robes had torn a hole in them. Nothing too noticeable to anyone other than Hua Cheng's discerning eye, but still one that could easily become much larger if he didn't calm down.
How embarrassing, showing up out of nowhere unannounced and acting oddly in front of his dear friend. He shifted to clasp his hands in front of him instead. If he held them tight enough, then maybe he could squeeze the tremble out of them.
"Don't hold so tight, you'll hurt yourself!" Hua Cheng fretted, finally closing the gap to hover awkwardly over the scene before him.
Though he had initially reached out as if to pry the grip apart, he paused at the last moment, unsure whether to proceed.
Ah, worry, worry, all he could do was make people worry!
He didn't need it! He was fine! Stop looking at him like that! So desperately, he just wanted to go back to how it was before!
He closed the gap between their hands himself, snatching Hua Cheng's into his own and holding on like it was the last lifeline he had left before turning to march down the familiar hallways of the manor. It was presumptuous, to just invite himself further into someone else's home, but he was growing a little too desperate to admonish himself.
Desperate for what? He didn't know. Maybe when his offbeat heart finally settled the world would finally make sense again.
"I'm sorry San Lang." He threw out over his shoulder, a sorry excuse at his lips. "I just feel somewhat agitated right now. So much paperwork up in the Heaven's you know, I haven't had the chance to let off some steam in far too long. I don't suppose you'd spar with me for a bit?"
"Of course, but-"
"Great, thank you!"
Perhaps he should feel guilty, taking advantage of Hua Cheng's strange inability to deny him. Perhaps when he came back to his senses, he'd realise that all his prior impoliteness, and then forcing his already exhausted friend to fight him would inevitably push him away and he'd be alone again.
It didn't matter right now. The part of his brain that was self flagellating was loud, but ultimately unable to prevent whatever mania he was in, and as soon as he had burst into the manor's private training room, he was peeling down to bare his chest.
Violence was such a primal thing. It was innate, it was easy. Hua Cheng had said it himself that night. The beauty of combat was that it honed that nature, gave it rules, allowed expression through actions rather than words that would surely fail him if he were to attempt to use them. It was natural to fall back on what was built into him in such a case. To release his inner struggles in a way that was still safely restrained.
Hua Cheng, left at the door as Xie Lian speed walked to the end of the room, watched the scene without hiding his unease, releasing a few butterflies to illuminate the room better and giving it an eerie glow. Though he eventually trudged over to the side opposite, he made no attempt to prepare for battle. In fact, he actually discarded an oddly silent E-Ming, leaving him not defenseless, but certainly without a weapon.
That was fine, hand to hand combat might be better anyway. He could release his frustrations directly rather than through a conduit. How smart of dear San Lang to be so thoughtful! He dismissed Ruoye to sit at the side, putting them on equal terms, and crouched into a battle stance.
Hua Cheng did not do the same. How confident! Xie Lian loved his overwhelming assuredness, how he gave off the air of someone who could do anything effortlessly. For some reason he didn't seem to project quite the same aura today, but maybe he just wasn't in the mood yet.
Then, better summon it forth!
Xie Lian swung first with probably too much force behind his fist, but predictably, Hua Cheng did not remain a sitting duck. He sidestepped gracefully, followed by another step backwards to dodge the follow up. A jump back here, a dart there, and it was easy to fall back into their old routine for these things.
Hua Cheng was like a dancer, beautiful and refined in his movements, while Xie Lian choreographed the scene with careful poise, sending him this way and that to avoid his onslaught.
However, though his blood was irrefutably burning, finally able to exert his frustrations, this was supposed to be a dance for two. Hua Cheng was not striking back. He only watched Xie Lian fire off with a careful expression, silent, not even making sounds of exertion.
Was Xie Lian not enough of a challenge for him? Then, he'd have to try harder. Swinging with more force, he punched with enough power to stir up a breeze, making Hua Cheng's robes waft dramatically in repulsion to the draft. Another fist narrowly missed the other, slamming into the ground hard enough to crack the tile, leaving a crater that would surely be a trip hazard. Forcing his opponent away from it (of course he didn't want to actually hurt him), he drove Hua Cheng to back up into a corner.
Surely, surely, this would be what would prompt him to fight back, to give Xie Lian whatever it was he needed.
He ducked under Xie Lian's arm as soon as he raised it and escaped.
Now he was just getting frustrated again. Hua Cheng was a powerful opponent, incredibly skilled at all forms of combat. Of course it would be hard to hit him. Did he even want to hit him? Maybe not, but he wanted to win something.
So much of his life was spent losing endlessly, and now he had even lost his life itself? No, no, he was still alive, of course he was. But he needed assurance right now. That he was still in control, that he could still determine his fate.
If there was any value from his past that Xie Lian had never once abandoned, it was his contempt for fate. That thought spurred him on, desperate for this one victory to prove he was still powerful. If he could just hold Hua Cheng down, prevent his escape, then he could win.
Ruoye wasn't an option, resigned to watch from the side while cradling E-Ming as if it were comforting the blade. Despite the lack of facial expressions they seemed nervous, as if afraid of the energy in the room. How silly. Nothing was wrong here. And there especially won't be once Hua Cheng is pinned down in his grasp at last. However that may be achieved.
With no physical means to hold him down, he would have to make one. His 'third path' mantra had never quite worked without consequence, but that still meant that it worked . As such, he gave no thought for what may happen upon passing over his two previous options and instead reached for that third, untapped option. Past his own measly reserves of spiritual energy, past his own inhibitions, he reached out for another type of energy that felt oddly welcoming, and yet wholly unfamiliar.
Several of the butterflies alighting the room peeled themselves from the wall, the shifting of the lightsource sending tall shadows crawling up the confines of the room, appearing as if flailing in torment as the two figures moved with each other. Hua Cheng's movements had stuttered, head whipping around and eye widened in confusion as he tried to figure out what was going on.
Xie Lian did not not flinch. He felt larger than he was, like he was being stretched out, but still he needed more to overcome this hurdle. The room was becoming oddly bright around him, and his consciousness was becoming confused in a different way than it had been for the duration of this fight. Swarms surrounded him, backing him in a way that made him feel like a giant. It was as if he was looking at Hua Cheng from above, the other's expression horrified as he began to back away.
Had there always been this many butterflies in the hall?
It didn't matter. They were here to help him, he knew. He had seen Hua Cheng capture creatures with them before, as he had done with the fetus spirit. Surely, he could do the same, feel that same confident power, like nothing could touch him? The backing of an infinite army was intoxicating.
He willed them Hua Cheng's way. The room became bright white around him.
Then, black.
It was bright.
A flickering warm orange fogged up his already hazy vision, occasionally slipping away into complete darkness. He desperately wished the darkness would stay, grant him respite from horrid consciousness. He wanted to weep every time he was heaved back to wakefulness by whatever cruel entity felt it funny to do so.
His body felt too hot and too cold at the same time, overloaded with sensation in everything from pain to sound, the screams of people burning becoming a horrible roar in his ears. He was only slightly aghast to realise he felt nothing towards them but irritation. If only they would let him rest.
Can he not just rest?
Can it not be over now?
A shadow overtook his vision, seeming huge against the flames, and an accompanying hand reached out to close his eyes in a gesture that could be mistaken for gentle. It was not the darkness that he craved, but he was too weak to shudder out his repulsion.
"Shh, rest now." The figure said, as if it were a matter of giving permission. "Worry not, I'll take good care of you. I'll be with you when you wake."
It stroked his hair as if comforting an upset child. He wanted to scream his refusal, but with his torn up throat all he could elicit was the tiniest gargle of blood. He hated that the rhythmic action was so comforting, hated that he was drifting off, but he was too tired to have any will left to fight it.
It hurt. He wanted to rest. There was a single voice still desperately screaming somewhere, sounding tortured and broken and he just wanted it to stop.
He couldn't do anything as it was of course. So, he put it aside to deal with later.
He would rest for now, as the figure wanted. He would rest and get strong, and never allow this to happen again.
This creature wanted him to give up, to roll over and accept fate.
He'd be damned if he gave it the satisfaction.
--
When Xie Lian awoke, he felt the odd sensation of being surprised to be in one piece, unsure of why he felt like he hadn't been before.
Actually he couldn't particularly recall exactly what he had been doing before going to sleep at all. He remembered dragging Hua Cheng to the training hall to spar rather forcefully, but that was about it. Had Hua Cheng had enough and knocked him out maybe? He was acting rather erratically, so he thought it rather deserved.
He would have to apologise when he could.
Turning his head to the side, he realised that would have to be quite soon. It seemed that they had never actually left the training hall, and Hua Cheng had simply set him to the side to rest, pillowing his head with the robes he had stripped earlier. Hua Cheng himself was standing in the centre of the hall examining the absurd number of wraith butterflies flitting about the room with a scrunched up expression.
He couldn't even guess how many there were, endless swathes of silver perched on every possible feature, including Hua Cheng himself.
It was actually kind of beautiful, the room seeming to ripple with the flutter of wings, but Hua Cheng's furrowed face as he watched one scurry across his hand seemed to disagree.
A tickling sensation alerted Xie Lian that they were also crawling about on him. It made sense considering just how many there were, but the unexpected sensation startled him into a sitting position. The sudden movement in turn caused a sizable group around him to scatter, fluttering off in a silver swarm that reminded him of the first time he met Hua Cheng on Mt. Yujun.
Unfortunately, he had no time to appreciate it, head throbbing like a drum beat as soon as he sat up, clenching his head in his hands as if it would hold the suddenly vertigo-inducing world around him still. Luckily, the commotion seemed to draw Hua Cheng's attention, perking up noticeably.
"Gege! Are you okay?" He fretted, ever the mother hen.
As he rushed over, the butterflies on the floor scattered, parting the way for him gracefully as if railroading them towards each other. The flickering of the light they gave off made his head twinge, but with Hua Cheng looking so dreadfully concerned he did his best to suppress it.
"Lay back down if you need to, do you need anything? I called for some water earlier, but if you need anything else at all just say, okay?"
"I'm fine, don't worry." He assured, putting on his best smile. It curved up a little unnaturally, obviously forced, and he admonished himself again for losing his skill at the carefully practiced art. "Is San Lang okay? I got a little out of control back there, this one apologises. Have I hurt you at all?"
"Gege has nothing to apologise for, he could never hurt me!"
He grabbed the others hands in his own in assurance, face so serious that it turned Xie Lian's fake smile a little more genuine with the fondness it evoked. A butterfly that had been perched on Hua Cheng's arm was dislodged from its position with the action however, and the light reflecting from its wings as it flew away made Xie Lian wince before he could stop himself.
"Easy, lean back if you need to." Of course Hua Cheng wouldn't miss his discomfort, shifting a hand to rub at his arm comfortingly and prompting him back to rest against the wall.
"I'm fine, really." Xie Lian insisted, though was obviously not particularly believed. "The butterflies are just kind of giving me a headache right now. I think I must have a migraine, so it might be the light. I'm sorry, but could you please dismiss them?"
He was loath to be rid of such beautiful creatures, but they really were rubbing at some deep part of his conscience in a very strange way that he didn't know how to deal with.
Surprisingly though, Hua Cheng did not rush to accommodate him for once, instead simply frowning.
"I can't." He said with difficulty.
Xie Lian's mind paused, blank with confusion. Then, concern set in.
"What do you mean you can't? Is there something wrong?"
Oh no, he can't have hurt Hua Cheng that badly could he?
"Do you not remember how they got here? They're not mine. They won't listen to me."
How did they get here? He could remember light. He could remember an army. He could remember strength in numbers, and the feeling of infinity.
"San Lang… Why did I pass out?" He asked carefully. He was starting to come to a conclusion that he wasn't sure how to deal with if it turned out to be correct.
"Gege spread his consciousness too thin. You're not supposed to control each butterfly individually, just give them an order and they'll know what to do. Otherwise you'll lose yourself." He looked so solemn it was almost kind of funny. Xie Lian wasn't sure if he was in the mood to laugh at that moment though, feeling oddly blank instead.
"Ah." Was all he could say in response. "They're mine then."
He didn't need the silent nod of confirmation.
Xie Lian couldn't tell how he felt. Maybe he felt nothing at all. There were worse fates than being able to communicate with Hua Cheng's (his?) lovely guides he supposed.
Reaching out mentally he could feel a spider web of a network in his mind, like a more complicated version of the communication array. From every possible side he felt a million different things, as if suddenly hyper aware of everything in the vicinity. The curiosity one tiny soldier felt as it dipped it's head into a crack in the wall, the annoyance another felt at bumping into one of its friends, the friends confusion as to why the other was annoyed. All of them together seeming to map out every small detail of the room with all their thoughts and feelings, beaming it directly into his head.
It was overwhelming. He actually struggled to tell who he was amongst the mass, bombarded with the weight of a million different lives. No wonder he passed out.
The complexity was too much for his already strained mental connection, causing a pain to flare up in the side of his head. Heeding the experts advice, he quickly recoiled his reach, finding it immediately more manageable. Experimentally, he instead tried honing it down to just one, and called it to him.
A butterfly perched on Hua Cheng's head perked up and flew to his outstretched hand obediently, and through their connection he felt love.
It was… hard to be afraid of such a thing. Perhaps that was why he was no longer fearful of his situation. All he could see and feel surrounding him, demonic as it was, was beautiful silver fragments of love. As he looked up again at the glowing room, the pain did not return. Instead it was peace that washed over him like a soothing embrace.
He couldn't help the smile that broke out on his face, more real than it had been in far too long.
"Ah, San Lang, San Lang! Why did I summon butterflies, that's your thing! Do I not get my own brand?" He giggled good naturedly in the freedom of his relief, thinking back to Shi Qingxuan's suggestions. They'd be so disappointed that he didn't give them something new to play with.
Hua Cheng's eye widened, obviously taken aback by the mood change. His expression quickly changed to a pout, adapting to the situation with ease.
"What's wrong with butterflies? Do you not want to be associated with me? Gege, I'm hurt!" He harrumphed, crossing his arms with an emphasised gesture.
The image was wholly impossible to take seriously, as he still had a few stray butterflies dangling about in his hair like they belonged there. It was actually kind of cute, and so Xie Lian gave into temptation with a grin and called forth more from the crowd to smother him with.
"Hey stop that!" Now Hua Cheng was the one giggling, batting the butterflies away from tickling his face. In response, Xie Lian called more over giddily. He couldn't stop all of them! This was his army!
"No, no, stop, I give!" Hua Cheng cried, tipping over and squirming under the onslaught, unable to suppress his laughter as Xie Lian found the same.
Perhaps power through violence wasn't necessary, he thought. Perhaps power could be the ability to leave another breathless like this, a smile on everyone's lips. There was power in simply having the audacity to be happy in a world that desperately wanted him not to be. As if he'd give in so easily! He felt silly for sulking too long.
Deciding to grant mercy on his victim, he shooed the butterflies away from Hua Cheng, instead slumping to fall next to him, laying on the ground with the same easy smile and the echoes of laughter still spasming in their chests. Though the ground beneath them was hard tile, the butterflies planted around them made it feel as if they were in some ghostly ethereal meadow, and in his elation it was easy to pretend the floor was as light as grass.
"Gege, are you feeling better at all?" Hua Cheng asked, eye soft as it searched for any signs of lingering discomfort.
"I'm wonderful, thank you. Though I still feel very alive for a dead man. I'm sure that's not particularly out of place in this city though, is it? Everything's still so full of life here. I almost feel bad for bringing the mood down."
Hua Cheng's expression quirked a little, apparently not expecting the easy admittance of his passing.
"And is Gege okay with that?" He asked tentatively. "Being dead?"
"I'm over it. Sorry it took so long." He said breezily. "Though, I'm not quite sure how I got this far. I'm not particularly Ghost King material."
It really made no sense to him. Ghosts persisted on strong wills, and Ghost Kings were supposed to be only the most determined of people. He couldn't fathom how he had gotten so far, all things considering.
"What do you mean? Gege's the most qualified to be a Ghost King. Of course he should sit at the top."
He always spoke with such confidence that it was hard not to take him at his word sometimes.
Sometimes. This time Xie Lian knew he was wrong.
"No I'm not, San Lang is just biased. You don't need to placate me." Hua Cheng looked like was about to contest that, but Xie Lian shushed him, becoming more serious for a second. Of course, Hua Cheng picked up the change and immediately settled down. "I mean I don't know why I'm here. Why I persisted."
Hua Cheng still didn't seem to understand, as if he couldn't comprehend why Xie Lian would be at all confused about that. Though Xie Lian was still rather uncomfortable with certain elements of his past, was he not now learning the virtues of opening up? Besides, after everything, Hua Cheng deserved an explanation.
"I mean… I gave up." He swallowed with some difficulty.
"Multiple times actually. I ended up in some… quite dark places in the past." Maybe that was an understatement. Maybe he should be more honest, when Hua Cheng had only ever afforded him his complete sincerity. Maybe there were still some things he struggled with himself though. "I'm not sure why I didn't disappear if my existence should depend on my will to exist at all."
He couldn't bring himself to look at Hua Cheng through the admission, so whatever reaction he had to that was missed aside from an intake of breath. Unconsciously, he curled into himself a bit. Before his hand could retract fully however, he found that another had reached out to hold it, jerking him up to meet the others eye.
There was sadness in it, and yet, still somehow enticingly warm.
"But that's why Gege is the most worthy." He spoke so assuredly, that same grounding confidence somehow elevated by a tenfold. "He gave up on what the world could do for him, but then turned that on its head. He never gave up on what he could do for himself and the people in it. He never stopped wanting more , and so he made more himself. Gege's will is very strong I think. The strongest."
Xie Lian didn't know how to respond to that. Something tight in his chest made him instead clam up and roll onto his back to avoid eye contact. The scene above him was also marked by a silvery translucent expanse, as if a ghostly moon had been stretched to cover the ceiling. It rippled slightly with the fluttering of wings, but Xie Lian was having a hard time making out the individual movements for the welling in his eyes.
He wanted to close them, erase the sting, but that had been the problem in the first place hadn't it? Instead he blinked once, dispelling the tears down his cheeks but keeping his eyes open to the sight he was privy to.
"San Lang is quite thoughtful." He muttered. "I wonder if he's right about that though?"
The scene above was dimmed slightly as Hua Cheng sat up to lean over him. It was not to blot out his vision, but to reach over to brush the tears away with a touch softer than those butterflies skittish trails. His hair curtained his vision in a way that had the silver background shining through the gaps afforded, highlighting his face beautifully. Hua Cheng was surely the most beautiful thing here, moreso than the butterflies, a small part of him whispered.
"Does Gege not believe San Lang? I promised Gege my complete sincerity did I not? Could you believe this one's words in return?"
Hua Cheng was rarely wrong. It was a truth he had internalised. There was every possibility that this could be the rare occasion, but Xie Lian didn't want it to be. He wanted to believe in something wholly again, and if Hua Cheng was right then it was basically his reason to be. He had his convictions, things that he wanted done, yes. But he could believe in San Lang too.
"Okay." He whispered, surprised to find himself feeling sincere about it.
Alas, he didn't think his heart could deal with so much heavy talk for much longer. Instead he sat up with a sigh, scrubbing his eyes clean.
"More importantly, what are we supposed to do with all these butterflies? Where are they supposed to go? I don't have any fancy silver to keep them in like San Lang." He mumbled, genuinely somewhat concerned.
It was a reasonable worry. The options were to leave a bunch of creatures Hua Cheng couldn't control in his care and hope for the best, or somehow take a million deadly butterflies back to Puqi Shrine, hope they fit somehow and that no one asks any questions. Both were unfavourable.
"Of course Gege does. Though, the silver isn't necessary in this case."
That made Xie Lian look up.
"What does that mean? Is silver not actually necessary?" He wondered aloud.
He had always assumed, but it did make sense with Hua Cheng's personality that it wasn't necessary at all and he just consciously chose to keep them in the flashiest way possible. A soft laugh was the answer to his curiosity.
"I keep them there because I created them by molding them from silver, so that's where they stay. Yours were made differently though." He coaxed a stray one from nearby onto his finger, lifting it to hold for Xie Lian to examine, summoning one of his own to compare. "Gege, can you feel a difference between these two?"
That was an odd question to ask. Xie Lian frowned, cupping his hands under Hua Cheng's like the closeness might help. Physically they looked no different, and upon feeling for their energies the only thing he could determine was that the ones he had crafted felt rather faint. It was to be expected, inexperienced as he was, but he still felt a little indignant about it and crossed his arms in a huff.
"Mine are weaker." He grumbled out, as if admitting so was rubbing it in. Hua Cheng's amused snort didn't help at all.
"Don't be upset, Gege just needs practice! It's amazing that he could even copy them this closely to begin with, Gege is a fast learner! He should be proud!"
He was not, but it did somewhat appease him.
"Don't patronise me." He huffed, eager to change the subject. "So what are the differences?"
Mercifully, Hua Cheng let the topic go easily, sending the two butterflies off to fly together with a flick. They danced a rather intricate pattern in the sky together, decadent and ethereal, to the point that Xie Lian lost track of which was which.
"Absolutely nothing." Hua Cheng said, leaning back on his hands as he watched them with a soft smile.
Xie Lian was taken aback.
"What? Why even bring it up then?"
It truly was an odd thing to draw attention to, but it was obvious this was going somewhere. Especially when Hua Cheng's face looked so fond watching the two fly off together.
"Because they're both made from my spiritual powers. Gege doesn't have his own, so he used mine, correct? That's why they took the form of my butterflies. It was their natural state." He turned his gaze back to Xie Lian, and something in his heart fluttered like wing beats to see that it maintained that fondness. "That means that though they're modelled after mine, Gege's butterflies need my spiritual energy to live. They should store themselves somewhere with my energy."
That eye flicked down to Xie Lian's chest almost imperceptibly. Almost. Given how hard it was to take his own off anything other than the man before him, of course Xie Lian noticed it. That also meant he caught the panic on his features when he realised what he was looking at.
"Your ashes." He said quietly, reaching to clutch the ring through his robes.
The look on the other's face was almost comical, looking like he had just fallen out of bed in his shock.
"Gege knew?" He looked like he was about to pass out, the poor thing.
"I guessed. San Lang is not very subtle about when something is important to him." It was objectively pretty hard to not realise honestly. Xie Lian was repressed, not stupid.
(Perhaps there was some slight overlap. Occasionally.)
Though Xie Lian had confirmed his suspicions in a rather light hearted way, Hua Cheng's demeanor was still one of nervousness, and he had begun fidgeting with his hair somewhat.
"And does Gege have any particular opinions on that?" He asked quietly, avoiding meeting eyes as if expecting some harsher follow up.
Of course Xie Lian didn't want the other to be uncomfortable, but it honestly was rather adorable. Comforting even, to realise that he wasn't the only silly one. How foolish to think he would reject such a weightful gift of trust. Perhaps it was his turn to be the more grounded one at that moment.
Closing his eyes, he reached out to every butterfly he could, pointedly didn't try to spread his consciousness among them this time, and called them back to him.
It didn't happen all at once. Only a small few obeyed at first. A few strays rising from the silver fields like dandelions on a breeze to drift towards him. Then, more rose, heeding the call in larger groups, cloud-like and airy. Even more joined, larger and larger until the group wasn't quite so light and instead all came together to form a shifting spiral pillar in the centre of the room, stirring up wind with it's intensity.
It was magnificent. It was terrifying. He called them home.
The peak of the spiral changed course, a deluge piling straight into the ring sitting atop his heart.
Where it belonged.
They were sipped up quickly and easily, disappearing into their new hiding place where Xie Lian made a silent promise to protect them as they surely would him. Raising a gentle hand to clutch the ring in his palm, he couldn't help but appreciate that it now felt rather warm, a pleasant pulse emanating from it like a heartbeat.
"Gege still likes his gift very much." He said with a smile.
It was probably a little hard to see. The room was noticeably dimmer with the butterflies gone, but still visible enough to make out the form in front of him at least. It was a somewhat cozy lighting, with only one flickering butterfly remaining. The one Hua Cheng had sent off earlier had fluttered over as if looking for where it's friend had gone, perching on Xie Lian's head. He took pity on it and summoned another of his own back for it.
Though with the addition of another lightsource the room would naturally be brighter anyway, Xie Lian could have sworn their happy glows intensified when reunited.
With the two new additions, the place was lit up enough for Xie Lian to see in front of him again, and he felt rather struck. The lights of the two butterflies reflected in Hua Cheng's wide eye rather beautifully, silver against black like stars in the night sky. Suddenly, he felt rather abashed again, and this time he was the one averting his gaze. Surely, if he looked any longer he would combust.
"I wish I knew where mine were so I could gift San Lang too." He muttered. It abated his embarrassment somewhat, replacing it instead with something of a chill.
It… really wasn't good to not know where your ashes were, was it.
"Gege doesn't have to do that for San Lang." Hua Cheng spoke up seriously. "As soon as we find them, they should stay with Gege! It's the safest there. Look how well he's protected my own."
It was rather endearing how serious he was about it, but he couldn't just let such trust be one sided. If he believed in anyone, it was the man before him.
"San Lang gave me his ashes because he trusts me, yes? Then won't you trust my judgement and accept mine?" Before hastily adding, "Unless you don't want to of course."
"Of course!" Hua Cheng said probably too quickly, sitting up stock straight. "San Lang didn't mean to make Gege feel doubtful in him, it's just a very high honour! San Lang is very grateful for the trust Gege's giving him!"
It was an awkward speech spoken in too loud a voice, and rushed out like his lungs would explode, but it was that kind of eagerness that made the slips in Hua Cheng's suave mask all the more charming when they showed themselves. In a word, all Xie Lian could feel was 'fond'.
And a little defeated.
"San Lang shouldn't feel too excited just yet, Gege still doesn't know where his ashes actually are." He murmured a little morosely, leaning back on his hands.
It wasn't a particular rush to him. Wherever they were, they obviously weren't being mistreated if it hadn't affected him at all for who knows how long. It was still best not to let it get to the point that it could though.
"San Lang has been narrowing it down." Hua Cheng said comfortingly, scooting forward to be closer. "That's actually what I wanted to ask for your help on earlier. I've been searching the places I know you've had… incidents… But I haven't come up with anything. I was wondering if you'd be okay opening up about any possible search areas?"
Oh. Xie Lian suddenly remembered he'd been quite tired before he had sprung himself on him. He sincerely hoped poor Hua Cheng hadn't been running himself ragged for him only to then have the person he was trying to help attempt to beat him down. He'd never let himself live.
"Of course." He answered easily. "San Lang needs his gift after all."
The smile he gave seemed to ease some tension from Hua Cheng's own expression. In firm juxtaposition to his earlier outburst, he too couldn't help but feel rather relaxed at that moment. In a moment of confidence, he made his own shift closer to Hua Cheng's side, gap now short enough that their fingers were brushing where they splayed on the floor. Neither retracted their hands, and the usually negligible weight of the ring on his neck felt like a heavier, comforting presence.
Later, he would find it not easy, but easier to recall those more buried memories. Hua Cheng would hold him through them, tightening if he got into details at all, as if he could feel his pain alongside him. The details weren't necessary at all when only locations were needed, but he found that his box of sorrows was lighter when he emptied it out.
Hua Cheng had trusted him with a great deal. Though he wasn't able to present him with the same just yet, he found this just as important. Many had witnessed fragments of his life, but who had seen his soul lain bare like this? Who had accepted him like this?
This was just as precious, he thought.
--
The temple had been beautiful once. A beautiful temple for a beautiful god.
By many accounts, neither were beautiful anymore. The temple was charred and in ruins, the god broken on the altar he was once worshipped upon.
There was still beauty in this, the figure thought. Not in destruction or violence, but in perseverance.
Though broken thoroughly, the god was still clinging to life. His heart had been the first thing to heal, beating unnaturally in the splayed open ribcage amongst unidentifiable offal. It was anatomically impossible. It was disgusting. It was admirable.
Jun Wu was proud. His disciple had such a strong will, strong enough to persist after most would quit without looking back.
He chose correctly.