Has my life been for nothing?
As I lay on my soft bed, feeling my bones grate against one another despite hardly moving, this thought has refused to leave me.
My joints ache incessantly. My aged body isn't the same as it used to be, and the same goes for my mind, yet for some reason… I can't help but delve into deep thought this chilly evening.
Ah, it's so chilly.
This reminds me of all those nights I spent training, practicing my way with the sword.
Even when I was told to take a break—I persevered.
Even when my Master forbade me from doing any more—I disobeyed.
Even when my brother encouraged me to relent—I refused.
I wasn't as talented as my brother or my master, so that was the least I could do. I would sneak out often to train and train some more, until my body grew weak and my callouses bled.
Even then, I would hide my wounds from my master and undergo harsh training the next day.
Now that I think of it, Master probably knew about everything.
But why didn't he stop me?
"Perhaps he understood my frustration back then…" A hoarse, elderly voice shakily escapes my lips, and I wonder if it belongs to me.
The voice sounds so ugly—so weak and fragile—that it couldn't possibly be mine.
Strange. There's no one else here, though.
It's just me.
The chilly night blesses me with its winds once more, and I shiver—almost sneezing, but catching myself right as I am about to let out an embarrassing sound. As a Knight, even in my sick bed, I have to maintain some of my dignity.
At least, I think so.
So… where was I?
Ah, yes! The thought of my youth.
As the firstborn of the Aditi Knight Family, I was raised to be the heir of our entire Household.
I was the sole heir, though I had two siblings. My younger brother was far more talented with the sword than I, but he never fully applied himself and often got in trouble for his reckless and frankly foolish behavior.
"I want to be a musician!" He would yell out one day, and then the next he would say something completely different, like:
"I want to be an artist!" or "I just want to be a cook."
At some point, he became so interested in embroidery that he disguised himself as a woman and started taking classes at a local school. Such a silly boy, unable to make up his mind on what he wanted in life.
It seemed like he wanted to do everything—anything but pick up the sword.
Still… at the very least, he chased after them with no fear.
If it wasn't for me, who restrained him from pursuing all of those interests of his, he would perhaps have figured out what he wanted to do with his life in the end.
But that didn't quite work out for him, did it?
My younger brother died in battle, serving his Kingdom as a low-rank Knight in a war that he had no interest in. At the time, I thought that was an honorable death, one that gave his life meaning.
Now, I no longer think that way.
What about my sister? She was a beauty in the eyes of many, but her brutish personality made her very problematic to deal with. She craved the sword the most, and her passion for it exceeded even mine.
Unlike me, she even had incredible talent for swordsmanship.
Had she been born as a man, she would have been the perfect knight—the joy of our Aditi Household.
But, as a woman, she had to stick to her role and fulfill her duties to the family.
"Brother, please! I know I can do it, so let me become a Knight!" I remember how she would often pester me about it. "There are more and more women becoming Knights these days! Why can't I be like them?"
"Please brother… I will do anything… anything but marry that man…."
Her words fade alongside most of my memories, but I can't seem to forget the distressed expression she had on her face when she told me these things. Back then, my sister was very tough and had an unladylike personality.
But, she was also very warm and kindhearted to me.
Yet—
"I married her off to a Noble to increase our declining family's standing and strengthen our connection to his more powerful family…"
At first, she resisted. But then, I told her she had to abandon her selfish aspirations and fulfill her duties to the family.
It seemed my words really struck her.
She no longer questioned my command, and she finally did as she was told.
After birthing an heir to the Noble, she took her own life right in her matrimonial bedroom and didn't even leave behind a letter to explain her suicide. Back then, I was so confused and distressed, almost to the point of insanity.
I sought every answer that would explain such an extreme action from her.
At first, I suspected her husband of abuse. But after investigating the matter thoroughly, I found that he wasn't an abusive man. Sure, he was neglectful in some ways, and he berated her to the point of diminishing whatever flicker remained of her self-worth.
But, at the very least, he didn't hit her.
Maybe he knew his hand would be sent flying—not by me, but by my sister—if he dared raise it against her. I have lived for three more decades after that incident, and I'm just getting it now.
My sister… she wasn't happy there.
Her life was an empty husk—a shell—which presented a dull world that lacked excitement.
In the eyes of everyone, she was nothing more than a machine to birth and rear children, despite her endless potential as a warrior.
What was her offense?
Was it the fact that she was born as a woman? Or that she was an important piece for the Aditi Household? Or… was it having me as her older brother?
I already know the answer to that now.
I know that I was an awful older brother to my siblings. I forced them down the paths they didn't desire, ensuring their short lives led to nothing but misery up until their deaths.
It's all my fault… or is it?
After all, despite how hard I was on them, was I not much harder on myself?
Despite having no talent, I was unmatched in discipline and constantly pushed myself to the limits so I could master the Martial Techniques of my family and lead it as a proper heir. I upheld all of the expectations that my family had of me, making my parents proud, and doing everything it took to raise the prestige of our Knight Household.
Yes, I restricted the lives of my siblings, but it wasn't like I was freely enjoying mine either.
It was… all for the sake of the family.
But where is the family now?
My parents, who pushed me to be an exemplary Knight and ensured I pursued no other path, are no longer of this world. I wanted to be a filial son, to make them proud. I worked so hard, despite the dead end awaiting me as a Knight, because I truly wanted to please them.
But, they are dead now.
My two siblings, the core members and future of the Aditi Household, are also dead.
My uncles, aunts, and everyone whom I tried to impress all my life—just so I wouldn't bring shame to our Main Family… all of them are dead.
My cousins have either married off to other Households, have died in battle, or have left to live all kinds of lives—most of which I can no longer remember. In the end, everyone walked a path, much of it leading to the same end.
—Death.
And now, it seems my turn draws near.
Why am I having all of these morbid thoughts? Why now? Even my old injuries seem fresh in my mind for some reason now. How did I sustain them again?
Oh, I remember!
As a Knight, I only made minor contributions here and there in order to serve the Randalorion Kingdom. Despite how hard I tried to accrue merits, I simply could not move up the ranks due to my mediocre skills.
The Aditi Knight Household was barely even a Middle Tier one, so I wasn't particularly the cream of the crop.
In the end, I had to retire after suffering heavy injuries that made me incapable of future battles.
After leaving the battlefield, I entered the political realm of the world. Due to the low status of my family, in an already declining Kingdom, I wasn't privy to much information, but I did my best to make a few connections here and there.
I was inadequate in many ways, but I still managed to secure an arranged marriage with a relatively wealthy noble and did my best to lead my family's estate until old age.
But… all for what?
I didn't stop to think for a moment before, but now that I reminisce about the past, the realization is dawning on me—it has never been much clearer:
I actually lived an empty life.
My life was not my own. It was filled with no purpose or satisfaction.
All the people I worked so hard for are either dead, no longer with me, or utterly irrelevant to my life. Even after I inherited the estate as its new Head and stood at the pinnacle of the Aditi Household, I was more shackled than ever.
I married a woman I didn't love. Even after having children, I never had time for any of them due to how busy I was with all my responsibilities.
My mind is so foggy right now, and though I can recollect some details about my life, I don't even remember the names of my children. All I know is that I followed in the footsteps of my parents, enforcing my values onto them and forcing them down a path of discipline so they could live for the sake of the Aditi Household…
… Just as I did.
Right now, on my dying bed, I recognize so many mistakes I made.
Regret.
Regret is piling up within me.
"I-if only… I could start all over. If I could go back, I would change everything…"
I wouldn't be such a stuck-up brother.
I wouldn't be such a filial son.
I wouldn't be so bothered about the expectant gazes of others.
I would live for myself, and only myself, staying true to my own desires in life.
"Instead of living such a life of futility while forcing others around me to also do the same, I would make different choices…" The ugly croak that I now recognize as my voice echoes out into the room.
I barely open up my eyes and see all manner of faces around me. I don't recognize any of them, but the woman right next to me must be my wife.
The little ones around my bed must be my children.
The people surrounding my bed, they must be relatives, friends, and acquaintances made from the accumulation of my life. Honestly, I wasn't expecting such a crowd.
Not like it matters anyway.
'Indeed…' My thoughts finally go silent as my stiff body turns cold and I return to the embrace of the world, left with only one realization that came a little too late.
'… Nothing matters in death.'