Facing the truth. Dreams. In the beginning, the first resistance to the world arises by fleeing from it completely, and when all means of escape are simply lacking, we often confront it in the end. And after we are defeated or disappointed by our weakness in the face of the truth, we go back to running away again. And perhaps this is the reason for igniting the grudge of those who succeeded in confronting the world, and who continue that confrontation every day against those who failed and chose to continue escaping without a goal that they could hope to achieve.
I confronted myself with my mistake, so I turned my back on me and declared that this is what youth is like! so there is no need to worry. This made me disgusted of myself and filled me with shame instead of comforting me. As if it is possible, in any way, to justify any mistake and forgive it simply by saying that it is part of youth? Did youth mean, in everyone's eyes, that we would make serious mistakes that were easily forgiven because it was just our first time doing them? What if these errors continue to occur? Is this another stage that is overlooked just because it is also part of being young? Just..what is youth? I stand here, in an insignificant part of a ball dancing in the universe, feeling that I am at the end of my life, and a step away from falling into my grave. Could this be said to be youth?
I swallowed silence on many occasions when I had to speak, and perhaps half of my sin lies in not being honest with anyone and not disclosing a thing to any being. But usually when we feel guilty, we are humbly told that feeling guilty means having a good conscience. That is, the guilty person, no matter how severe his mistake is, still a person who is equally good to someone who has done no wrong to anyone, for no other reason than that he felt the weight of his guilt. And even here in this I cannot understand a thing. Is it another excuse I have made up to console my misery, or is it supernatural knowledge that has been revealed to me in my sleep? I felt foolish as I continued moving up and down in my head about worthless topics. Mistakes and sins, crimes and tragedies, all of which are things that we do not need to deal with, but rather forget about. This is how new beginnings are made. But what if we go back to the same mistakes again? Perhaps we continue to stumble twice on our faces because of the same rock in the road. Can we say with certainty that learning from mistakes is also worthless? My opinions remain odorless and colorless, but I keep thinking that they might mean something in the end, even if they piled up until my mind could twist them.
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A large apple kept spinning around Anas's feet, the pattern on its face seemed still in shock but was growing paler. Among the other fruits at a glance it felt out of place, but Anas chose not to question it. He simply turned around, as he was hearing an inaudible voice coming through the fog.
Something stepped forward from within the shadows and began shouting strange words, until his build, facial features, and the content of his speech became clear. This was one of Anas's colleagues at work. With ragged, uneven breathing, he rested on his knees for a moment, then took a deep breath to continue in the same tone of voice despite being close to Anas. "Where were you today? I passed by your office today, but I didn't find you." Anas opened his mouth at that moment before thinking about saying anything, and began looking around. Being his colleague didn't prevent him from forgetting his name. In fact, when he thinks about it, no memory of a real conversation that had taken place between them comes to mind. Nevertheless, that also didn't prevent him from avoiding this colleague of his, even if he didn't know anything about him, or even if he hadn't heard anything from him. This is nothing but a disease. All of this, with everything it contains and revolves around, it causes sneezing, coughing, and all sorts of diseases.
His colleague's patience ran out at some point, and he began to follow in his direction what Anas's eyes were pointing at. He shrugged when he found that to no avail. "I was asleep." "That was all that came to his mind at that moment. And somehow, perhaps more like a show of courtesy and pretense, his colleague nodded and frowned in acceptance with some doubt about the matter. This disturbed Anas more than it comforted him. What doubts could cross his mind? What thoughts might he need to weigh? And would an answer like that require a look at the horizon and a cup of tea to think about it? Who was he even? And what did he know that he pretended to measure numbers and probabilities and what was possible and what was not? Thoughts of such intensity and repulsion ran through Anas's mind, and he began planning and piling opportunities and words on top of each other to leave this place and all people as quickly as possible.
But these lines of thoughts were all cut off by the voice of his colleague as if he was shouting in the darkness still. "I'm going to visit my grandparents. They always brag about dispelling curses. Oh! I'm cursed, by the way, have I told you about that? Of course not. You weren't there today at work. where were you today?"
Anas's mind went blank for a moment. Several "Huh?!"s and "What?!"s ran at the back of his head, but soon after he broke into a laughter, one that gradually got more and more severe until his eyes got a bit watery.
"This guy... " Anas contemplated some things in his mind, and finally decided to accompany his colleague to his grandparents' house or whatever he was saying, at least until he get there, though all of which he had to shout and scream into his colleague's ear for him to hear it. Even still, he kept smiling despite it.