The sea that took you away.
My hands that left you to die.
I think that was the first day I felt powerless.
Like water between my fingers you slipped away and dripped down.
It was a rainy day when we first met.
You grabbed me by my collar and beat me until I couldn't even move my limbs.
I hated you for that just to learn that you wanted to save me from that hell.
You wanted to prove that you are stronger so that they wouldn't let this weak, young saint into the sea.
I always hated the sea yet the feeling of the thrill I felt knowing that my life is in the hands of those I trust was just too important.
You ignored me for a long time after they put you in my crew, our conversations never went beyond orders.
It took a whole year for you to stop ignoring me when l talked about anything other than our job.
You could never imagine how happy I was.
It was a misty day, rather warm yet not enough to make me take my coat off.
She was in a bar, drinking like a drunkard, telling unbelievable stories like a liar, cursing like a sailor.
I think that was the first time I felt jealous of her.
Unbound by the expectations of society yet still thoughtful and humane, not one of those sinking in carnal desires.
To say the least I wished to be as brave as her, to have the courage to go out of bounds and responsibilities once in a while.
I listened to her that day and for the first time she smiled towards me.
I think that feeling of jealousy turned into admiration as the sands of time met the sea.
I was always unaffected by things, it could have been said that people around me, my crew was no more than a tool for me.
They broke yet I had no care for it, I of course did my job and gave orders as I have learned yet sometimes there was nothing I could do.
I cried a lot. They were my tools yes but still it hurt me a lot knowing that l failed. My pain came from my failure towards my responsibilities not because of the loss itself.
I think she never cried for them too. Never tried to protect them let alone cry behind them. She was silent, emotionless. What is going inside her head?
Years passed like this. The loop of my gaze reaching her's and her hands getting covered in the blood of mine continued.
Every day we sparred yet it was obvious who was the stronger one.
She used a different weapon every time, each made of ice.
She used a whip where each segment was a heavy blade, each time it hit me I heard my tissue rip and my bones break.
She knew I would come back every time so she never held back.
She wanted me to give up.
As long as a fracture of my soul remained I could come back from a piece of ice.
A mace that shattered my skull.
An axe that decapitated me.
Sword that tore my tendons.
Gauntlets that shattered my ribs with ease.
A spear that went between my ribs and came out the other way.
She tore me apart again and again as if I couldn't feel a thing.
No more than a sentence came out of her mouth each time.
You shouldn't waste the best years of your life in this sea that smells like blood more than the salt.
I cried a lot, I cried out of pain yet I could never give up.
Even when I felt nothing towards her, felt no more than hate towards her I wanted to be a captain.
I had to, I had to carry the name of brother that died in this sea for nothing.
I could never call him my brother but rather he was just a brother.
He was loved by all and was a captain for the father.
Every time he came home a sudden warm feeling filled us all.
Everyone looked at each other with live in their eyes, we ate together and prayed.
One day he brought me a cigar and told me to smoke with him.
We climbed up to the roof by first climbing the apple tree at the garden.
I hated the burning feeling yesterday it felt nice knowing that for once we were so close.
He talked about all kinds of things.
How he hated the strict nature of the church and their misogyny causing stars to fade before they even light up.
How he hated the fact that our dad never showed any emotions or even praised him after he joined the church as a paladin and became one of the captains of the great 7.
How he fell in love with one of the captains in that fleet.
He said he wrote letters to her and handed then secretly, risking his entire life just for this love.
I asked him of course how she even came to that position.
They value the power and authority, she is the type that will rip apart anyone that stands in her path.
He started rating about this girl, how she seemed so cold yet he wanted to know her better, open her up like a cadaver and reveal the brown.
I told him that sometimes the flower is beautiful just because it is yet to bloom and one can imagine all types of different colors it can bloom.
He seemed shocked for some reason, my words held no meaning they were just childish wisdom.
So you are telling me that I will be disappointed once the flower blooms?
Maybe, you will never know until you make it bloom.
We talked a but more after this, whales as big as cities, huge tentacles pulling down ships with ease, horrors that make man go insane and turn into piles of flesh with just a stare.
I hate this life and all there is on that disgusting sea yet for pride I must, for the flower I must. To make my dad proud I must ignore it all.
The brother that everyone loved, the brother that was the pride of everyone other than my dad.
Why have I forgotten your face?
We were never close with brother.
We were no more than strangers in a house but after that fateful day we met up at the roof every night as long as he wasn't on the voyage.
He brought me all types of alcohol, at first I hated the burning sensation yet over time they gave a weird pleasure to me.
They felt like gifts from someone I love dearly.
We talked more and more and I got to know him more.
We watched down the world below, so far away yet it felt so close.
Everyone have their own lives, street girls selling themselves, paper boys running around shouting.
I went up even in the morning just to observe, every life felt so close and it gave me a feeling of familiarity.
I felt so close to them, I could even feel their feelings inside me.
He told me that the flower was indeed beautiful, she was the only flower in the world that could have colours like that.
I felt proud of course yet couldn't say much with this slurring mouth of mine.
I was a saint myself, someone higher than him, someone that heard the voice of father yet I never felt proud of myself.
I always felt like a leech in this family, existing just to suck on the happiness of others unable to reach my own happiness, being no more than a spectator watching the others happiness unable to live it myself.
I was jealous, yes I was jealous but did I ask for too much? I just wanted a flower of my own.
How does your voice sound brother? Why can't I remember it?
I saw someone outside our house, she had long brown hair braided into a line running down her back. Brown eyes that looked tired, they lacked a lot as if they were no more than tools to see. Those eyes reflected nothing.
Brother walked outside and started talking to her.
He was smiling profusely as if happiness was the only thing in his trained tall body. The fierce looking man was like a kitten before her.
Even without his act it was obvious who was the one holding authority here. Even outside the concept of authority she was both taller and stronger, I just knew it.
So this was the flower that had a colour no other could. It was hard to see it without even knowing her but brother could never be wrong.
I came out the back door and after climbing the small fence walked all the way to the docks.
I was jealous by any means, it was brother yet why was I? There are infinite number of flowers in this world why would I need his flower?
Neighbors girl that couldn't walk ever since she was young, the poor boy living at the basement of the church of those machine lickers, those disgusting rum that burns one's soul more than their throat.
Just an anchor. I want just an anchor father! Your waves hit my soul and shaped it like a dough and now I am praying to you for the first and last time! Give me an anchor! A flower with colors no other could match!
You didn't? But why!
My mom only loved brother.
Her chest puffed up with pride every time she talked about him.
My dear son became a captain at the young age of seventeen! Just seventeen years old yet protecting us all with his own body.
Mother I was always here too, your less selfless creation that is on the roof drinking the last bottle of wine with tears running down his face.
No it must have been my fault for not being worth their love, it must have been my fault for being unable to be like brother, be brother.
I was ten years old when I went to the church and showed them that I was more than my brother.
When brother returned home after hearing this we got onto the same roof and there he slapped me.
Do you want to live the disgusting life that I am in? Haven't I told you enough already? You things better than most, I told you the hell that is out there!
I just want to be you!
Brother cried that day, brother who stood as the pillar that held this house together crumbled before my eyes and turned to dust.
I don't want you to be me...I want you to be anything other than me!
Brother you have became more than what I ever reached in my life, you truly were human.
I watched the outside world from my window hoping to see more yet I only cursed my fragile soul.
Curiosity rained down onto my world and became my despair, on then I realized that I was no more than a mistake and the love towards my existence was only there because I was under the shadow.
Brother died one day, the veil was lifted revealing a rotten corpse filled with gasses.
Thank you brother for you were the being that showed me what I could be, for you were the person that was more than I could ever be.
I held the last piece of brother in my hands, a small shard of ice holding his artificial soul and body together like stitches on a wound.
For you I have endured it all brother, since you were my pebbles I sent into the sea wondering how I can make you bounce more.
I made you by molding the perfect humans imagine in my mind brother, you are perfect and all I could have been.
You were always me brother, not my brother but me.
I carved fake memories into their mind like an artist chiseling the perfect image onto the ice.
Thank you brother for existing, thank you for showing me a path.
I will walk on your path with my own feet and find my own flower, one that will brighten my day without even trying.
Today I will see the world outside and witness all those beautiful flowers. The world I witnessed from my window, the world I witnessed from the roof is within my grasp!
I went into the living room where I saw mom holding a letter.
I ignored her and went for the door to go outside and show the church that I am strong enough to command a ship, I am a saint by all means.
Then everything went dark, I felt a sudden force pushing me down and something warm dripping on my neck.
I opened my eyes yet again to see the disgusting sight before me, a distorted face pushing me down into the water with her hands.
Her crumbled face was filled with something I never knew, animosity towards my existence.
I could see her distorted lips crying out yet under the cold water I couldn't hear or make anything out from the movement of those lips.
She must have been saying something like why was it him that died and not you!
I guess I will never learn what she screamed with everything in her soul mixed into it, I created thousands of shards inside her veins and ripped her inside out.
I never loved you mom, I was always alone in this house and your only kid was brother.
Brother I have even forgotten your smell, how will I be like you if I forget everything.
Dad came into the house only to witness the tragedy, you who have never appreciated me deserved to die knowing that you couldn't do anything to save the one you love.
I bloomed a flower of ice inside his body tainted with blood.
I think it was a few months before she died.
It was late at night yet I couldn't sleep so I wanted to visit her after all it was her turn to watch over the ship while everyone slept.
I gave this job to her specifically knowing that we are deep in one of the rare safe zones in this hell.
She was sitting on the ground hugging a bottle of rum.
Drinking all alone? I couldn't sleep tonight so why not drink together?
She looked at me with her half open eyes before lifting the half empty bottle towards me.
Thank you...
I sat next to her and took a gulp, it was like a torture and made me wonder how people could drink this? Do they all want to forget it all.
Do you know the feeling of something you love being forever lost in the sea?
Not really. The things I lost were always my fault, the sea isn't there to blame.
She turned to me with an almost desperate look I never saw in her face before, I could never even imagine that she could make a face like that.
Yeah it was my fault...no it was my doing to be exact.
Her face distorted into a desperate, stressed smile.
I killed your disgusting brother...that little egoistic brat.
My brother? Why? Wasn't he....Just someone everyone loved?
She pulled the bottle from my grasp before chugging some down before slamming it on the deck, shattering it.
He acted like he knew everything...a his actions had their reason...hah! What a simple lie he threw around.
I couldn't believe it! That flower of his was the one that killed him but why? And he was perfect, perfect! I made him that way because I had to and now...
He was always right...heheha! You believe that? He was no more than a lying brat killing all around him to protect his so called pride, even looking at his face was disgusting. Painting his facade with lies...what a whore.
Every time I tried to intercept her, shut her she just continued going on and on with some weird joy in her voice.
He said he loves me! He loved a me! that he made in his mind, a me! that never existed. He was no more than a delusional disgusting...disgusting piece of...brat! I tore him open with my sword like the belly of a whale! After all he deserved it....f*king brat!
You...loved him didn't you?
She had tears in her eyes. It felt as if I broke something inside her with my words, they must have stabbed deep into her and by piercing her heart they pierced mine too.
No! I just hoped that it was him...
At that moment I should have said something. This dammed throat of mine fucked up my life and every moment. Not one word came out from that disgusting hole. Was it the fact that I saw myself as no more than someone following his path? But I must have been different since she said all these to me. Did I fail to be him? No I am happy that I became a disappointment once more. Am I really different? Am I more than brother? Was brother really my vision of perfection? Was my perfection really so cruel? Am I at fault? Should I blame myself for his acts? He is me right? Right?
You don't have to feel sorry for that. I think I never knew brother enough to feel sad after his death.
I never wanted him to die by the hands of someone let alone her. Maybe even before I ended him she had him split open. He must have deserved it all yet.
I am sorry...
No it is me that should feel sorry. I have been a problem for you haven't I? I have failed to act accordingly towards my responsibilities or even understand you.
She pressed down on my shoulders before lifting herself up to her feet.
Stop yappin like a dog and go sleep brat! Why are you so... gloomy ehh! Go to your cabin before I smash that noggin of your's!
I couldn't keep myself from crying out in shock after the sudden change. Well someone like her couldn't just talk to people about these matters for long. She had some level of pride that she always kept.
For the next few months something changed between us. She seemed almost happier to see me. I changed of course I tried my best to understand those around me, following the orders when I had to and altering them if they didn't favor the ones I loved.
We mostly hunted abominations like whales that released a weird gas that corroded all that is near and those weird bird like things that turned finishing boats upside down to easily eat all the humans aboard.
We shot the birds with scatter shots and killed those whales with normal cannons or harpoons.
I held off during every encounter preserving myself in case something would happen.
We sometimes sat on one of the tables down at the deck and gamble.
She always had her own die.
It always landed on even but even so I never went with anything other than odd.
I got robbed out of my money true but at least she always had that smile on her face when she took it.
After every time we landed on an island she used it to get drinks and we drank it together.
Such beautiful days.
She told me with a smile on her face.
Just a few more missions and I will have all I need!
What will you even do with all your money?
Buy myself a mansion and live there without working for the rest of my life. Who would ask for more?
Such a fitting lie this was.
One day she died.
She put her body between me and a spear made of ice.
She fell into my embrace, her blood dripped onto my thighs and my eyes gazed upon her beautiful eyes.
Her mouth moved in a hurry as if trying to say something.
Nothing came out.
Not even a single word.
She had a small smile on her face, innocent yet hiding the pain behind.
Hey eyes lost all life and urge behind them.
The flower died before blooming, the life died for me, it matters not anymore.
This sea, this ocean, this ship, this world.
They don't have to exist anymore, the treasure is dead.
The meaning is dead.
I tore her open.
I tore myself open.
Thousands of hands made of ice tore us open.
We became one.
I took her lungs, so this is how it felt every time she took a breathe.
I took her heart, feeling the small movement in my chest felt like a blessing.
Her ribs, her liver, her pancreas, her stomach, her womb, her spine, her soul.
I broke the taboo, I went against God.
Her desires became one with mine crushing my fragile soul weakened by the loss of her.
Her organs rejected me, I had to freeze one more concept.
I rained down billions of harpoons onto the sea.
Harpoons of ice pierced the veil of the sea, torn apart corpses appeared on the surface.
The ship ripped apart, sea swallowed the corpses of them ripped apart.
Sea swallowed me.
I heard a faint voice in my head, kind and relaxing, a familiar voice.
I don't want you to waste your life in this hell.
....
"Never knew you were a freaky bastard like that! Did you take my womb too? Don't leave anything behind ha!"
She poked him with her elbow made of ice with a smug look on her transparent face.
"Yes I took everything intact, used all I could and kept the rest connected to me..."
He looked at her with a weak smile on his pale face only for it to turn into a shocked one as she pulled him closer by his shoulder.
"Ehh past is past I have done my fair share if disgusting things mind you...like that time I ate a spiky whales meat raw!"
"Nothing can kill someone like you that easily, sorry for that. I hesitated I think, I failed to react let alone save you."
"If you continue acting gloomy like this I will run away with no remorse...this ice doesn't melt under the sun right?"
He couldn't keep himself from smiling after seeing her efforts to change the subject.
"Don't worry give it some time and you will have your body back. Let's go witness the true world princess!"
A horse made of ice appeared into existence with just a flick of his hand. It didn't seem to be affected by the fact that they were in the middle of a dessert or the fact that ice is supposed to shatter rather than bend.
"Princess my ass your silver tongue ain't gonna make me forgive you that easily! Don't you feel remorse for what you left behind?"
He climbed on the horse before looking back with a smile. His torso was ripped open with his insides missing everything that would make him a human. A crown of ice was floating on his head with engravings of different flowers carved on it, his hair shined bright blue under the sun. In his eyes a motif of flowers that changed each moment was present.
"The one left behind isn't us. I am not sure what they are but they are not us. Why would I feel bad for something like that?"
She stopped for a few seconds before smiling widely. She jumped up into the sky before landing on the horse causing it to bend it's legs to accommodate the sudden force.
"Gotta stop thinking for a second right! Thinking brings nothing so kick the horse and let's go!"
What am I in her eyes?