I should have run away.
I should have vanished, packed my load, and fled to a country where nobody has ever heard of Jade Simon, The Girl in the Tape.
But here I am.
Sitting in Aunt Linda's overcrowded sitting room, trapped in forced holiness, surrounded by people who have definitely watched me in 1080p clarity but will swear on their ancestors' graves that they have never laid eyes on such filth.
Aunt Linda made it clear. I must be present.
Not because she thinks it will "cleanse my soul," but because she wants me to sit here like a goat in the marketplace, a living, breathing example of what happens when a woman follows the devil and his nonsense.
And then, as if things weren't already bad enough—
The pastor arrives.
Zion's father.
Pastor Emeka.
I hear his voice before I see him. Deep. Commanding. The kind of voice that makes women clutch their chests and say, "Yes, Daddy in the Lord!"
Then he enters—tall, thin, striking. Zion, in twenty-five years.
Behind him is his wife, dressed in full church regalia. The kind of woman who introduces herself as "Mummy", whether you're five or fifty.
Zion follows, stiff as a rock. His eyes flick to me once—just once—before he quickly looks away.
Then there's his younger sister, Anita. Nineteen years old. Armed with righteous indignation and hatred.
The girl looks at me like I personally walked into her house and strangled Jesus with my bare hands.
And finally, the other members of the Council of Righteousness.
Mrs. Akin—a woman who claps too loudly when a sinner is suffering.
Aunty Bimbo—forty years old, never married, never been kissed, and very angry about it.
Bro Timi—the kind of man who won't talk to a woman unless she's wearing a headscarf.
Bro Kayode—fake humble, but his eyes linger too long when a woman stands up.
They all sit. The atmosphere is thick.
Aunt Linda clears her throat. "Welcome, Daddy in the Lord."
Pastor Emeka nods. "God bless you, Sister Linda."
His wife adds, "This is a wonderful home. I pray God cleanses it of all evil spirits."
Omo. I nearly choke.
Pastor Emeka opens his Bible. The room is silent, except for the distant sound of a generator struggling for its life.
Then he says, "Today, we will discuss the spirit of Jezebel."
I freeze.
Somewhere beside me, Zion shifts uncomfortably.
Mrs. Akin nods aggressively. "Ah yes, the spirit of seduction!"
Aunty Bimbo hisses through her teeth. "Destroyer of men!"
Bro Timi clears his throat. "Hmmm. Hmmm."
Zion blinks at his father. His entire soul is saying: Daddy, I'm begging you, don't do this.
But Pastor Emeka continues.
"Jezebel," he says, "was a woman of the night. A woman who led men to destruction."
His eyes flicker—just briefly—to me.
I swear, the room gets hotter.
Aunt Linda adjusts her wrapper dramatically. "Hmm. Daddy in the Lord, it is so true."
Pastor Emeka nods solemnly. "The Bible says in Proverbs 7:10—"
Aunty Bimbo cuts in. "Ah! I know that one! 'And behold, there met him a woman with the attire of a harlot, and subtle of heart!'"
The room erupts into loud "Hmmm! Hmmm!"
Zion closes his eyes.
I exhale slowly through my nose.
This is a murder. I am being murdered. In cold blood.
Mummy Emeka shakes her head sadly. "The problem with our girls today is that they want to expose their bodies. They want to post pictures on the internet and be shaking their—"
Mrs. Akin gasps. "Ah ah! Mummy, please, we are in the presence of God."
Mummy Emeka rolls her eyes. "Am I lying? That's how they'll be doing videos."
Aunty Bimbo glares at me. "And it is everywhere. We have seen things."
My left eye twitches.
Zion clears his throat loudly.
Pastor Emeka ignores him.
He continues, "The problem with a Jezebel is that she is unashamed. She does not hide. She parades her sin for the world to see."
Everybody in the room: HMMMMMM.
Me: So this is how I die.
Zion looks like he wants to sink into the ground.
His sister, Anita, is visibly enjoying this. She folds her arms, her lips curling into a smug smile.
Then, as if this whole thing wasn't awkward enough, Bro Kayode turns to me.
"Sister Jade," he says, smiling gently. "I hope you are listening."
I smile back. "Brother Kayode, I am listening and learning."
Pastor Emeka nods approvingly. "Yes. Because there is still hope for you."
Zion clears his throat louder.
Nobody looks at him.
Aunt Linda claps her hands together like she's about to slap the devil personally.
"Father Lord, we commit this home into your hands! Any evil spirit that is trying to destroy our children—"
Her voice rises.
"We bind it in the mighty name of Jesus!"
Everybody: "AMEN!"
She claps again. "Any Jezebelic influence that is roaming in this house—"
Pause.
At this point, she is no longer praying to God. She is praying at me.
Aunt Linda: "Father, any young girl in this house that the devil is using—"
Everybody: "YES, LORD!"
Aunt Linda: "Any girl that wants to spoil other people's daughters—"
Miracle and Mary peek at me from behind their Bibles.
Aunt Linda: "Any girl that is dragging shame into her family's name—"
Mummy Emeka: "HA! Have mercy, oh Lord!"
Aunty Bimbo nods aggressively. "Have mercy!"
Bro Timi grunts. "Hmmm."
Zion sits so still I think he has stopped breathing.
Anita is smiling like she's watching her enemies perish.
Aunt Linda drops the final bombshell.
"Lord, may she repent before it is too late! Before she dies in her sin!"
Omo.
DIES??
Everybody shouts "AMEN!" like they just won Nigerian Idol.
I open my eyes slowly.
Nobody. Is. Looking. At. Me.
Except Zion.
For one brief second, his eyes flick to mine. And in that second, I know:
He is fighting every urge to punch something.
But he can't.
Because he is Pastor Emeka's son.
Because this is his family's people.
Because he is supposed to be one of them.
And I am not.
After fifty more years of prayer, the meeting finally ends.
Pastor Emeka stands up. He gives one last long look at me before saying, "The Lord is merciful. He can forgive anyone."
Aunty Bimbo hisses under her breath. "If they want forgiveness."
Mummy Emeka nods sadly. "If they even deserve forgiveness."
Zion stands up abruptly. "Daddy, let's go."
Everyone stares.
Zion never talks back.
Pastor Emeka studies his son for a moment. Then he nods. "Alright. Let's go."
They leave. Anita throws me one last righteous glare before following her parents.
I exhale slowly.
Survived.
The second they're gone, Aunt Linda whirls on me.
"I hope you have learned something today."
I yawn loudly.
She gasps. "Are you even taking this seriously?"
"Aunty, I am very touched." I wipe fake tears from my eyes. "That message really spoke to me."
Aunt Linda glares at me like she's considering murder.
"Don't let me catch you sneaking out of this house again."
I blink innocently. "Sneaking out ke? Aunty, me?? God forbid."
She narrows her eyes. "You think you are wise."
I grin. "I know I am wise."
She snaps her fingers in my face. "One day, God will humble you."
I lean closer. "Let Him come and try."
And with that, I saunter off to my room.
Because in this house?
I may be the devil's apprentice—
But I refuse to be their sacrificial lamb.