After going through an existential crisis for a while, I came to the conclusion: I need a goddamn plan. And not the sort of plan like Dutch made — mango farming in Tahiti kinda bs won't work.
I don't want a repeat of my last life. But apparently the universe thought it would be a fun prank to dump me in the body of a bigger asshole than I was.
But first things first. Peepee check.
I nodded sagely as I looked inside my pants. "Huh, bigger than my old junk. Neat." I muttered. I kept my voice low; the words sounded stupid even to my own ears.
There was a shard of broken mirror on the ground, half-buried in grit. I picked it up and held awkwardly near my face.
Not bad if I say so. Spiky black hair. Blue eyes that actually looked clear enough not to scream "drug haze." Sharp jawline. About six feet tall, a little lanky in the way someone looks when everything's been run through a blender called "bad decisions."
No wonder the chick ran away with him, or rather, with me now.
" I need to take her back to her parents and apologize. I don't know what they will do , but it's the right thing to do. Then I figure out what do I do with this new life bs." I sighed, and my hand went to my pocket.
The keys jingled. Small, bright, ordinary.
"Might as well check out my ride I guess." I shrugged and walked toward the cars parked. My legs felt like they belonged to someone else, but they carried me steady enough.
And then I saw it. A classic beauty sitting in the dim light.
"Sweet Alabama Family Reunion, that's a sleek ride!"
I grinned involuntarily when I saw the '69 Chevy Impala. It was parked dead center, chrome catching the sun in a way that made me forget the motel, the isekai, the headache for a breath. I ran my fingers along the hood, feeling the metal under my fingertips, solid and real.
"This at least makes up for the random isekai," I chuckled, which sounded ridiculous even to me, but the laugh came out anyway. Small victory. Small comfort.
"Now then, let's go deal with the jailbait. I guess the other guy dumped her because he felt she was nerdy and plain looking or something. Didn't even remember her full name, just called her 'Red'. Damn fuzzy memories." I took a breath and pushed off toward the motel entrance.
Room on the ground floor. 1A. "1A, huh. Did Lex Luthor build the motel or something?" I muttered to myself, a joke that felt more like a nervous twitch than actual humor.
I stopped at the door and hesitated long enough to notice the cheap doorknob's chill against my palm. I knocked, the sound sharper than I expected.
"Who is it?" A slightly nervous feminine voice called.
I took a second to slick my face back into something that might pass for reassurance and answered, "Hey, um.. it's me."
The door opened with a bang, and a blonde blur tackled me. She hit me so fast my arms had no time to register how to hold her. I ended up with my forearms under her, steadying her as she shook and started to sniffle.
"You, came back! I was so scared! You've been gone for over a couple hours after saying you need to refill gas. I thought.... You left me... Like everyone else warned me about you."
Her words tumbled out in a rush. She sounded smaller than her voice. I kept a hand at her back, rubbing slowly. The motion was automatic, a way to calm her down.
I cringed inwardly and said, gently, "Hey now Red, I would never do that to you. I might be an asshole, but I have limits."
She laughed, squeezed harder, and kept hugging. "Yeah, I know. Everyone said you are bad, but I can see how nice you are despite your acts. You even stopped doing those drugs for me."
I winced. The line landed hard because it was the whole mess in a tidy sentence: everyone else's opinion and her naive belief that she could fix a person. Poor girl with the 'I can fix him' mentality. No wonder she was so attached to this guy.
I pulled her apart enough to cup her face gently. I was about to say something—something nice, something that might settle her worry, but I paused as I looked at her face.
I had to remind myself: keep it together. Keep your voice steady. Be chill.
She was pretty cute. Darkish blonde hair that started to lighten into golden. Blue eyes that matched mine in color, which felt odd and slightly dangerous. Pouty lips. A little skinny body which was starting to develop ... Ehem... generously.
I couldn't see why the other guy thought she wasn't pretty. Maybe he was cruel. Maybe he was tired of being held to higher standards he couldn't meet.
She fidgeted and looked down shyly. "Umm... What are you looking at?"
"I coughed and looked away. 'Nothing... You are really cute.'"
Her blush spread across her cheeks like wildfire. She smiled shyly and, before I could process, planted a quick kiss on me. Reflexively, I froze. My body registered the kiss late, like a voice on a laggy call.
I looked around fast, half-expecting someone to have seen the kiss, half-expecting a judge to step out from behind the curtains and admonish us both, as the cops bring out handcuffs while saying"You sick bastard!".
But thankfully No one to rat us out. The parking lot held its breath and let us have the moment.
I walked inside with her, the motel door closing behind us with a dull slap. I had to figure out how to tell her I wanted to take her back to her parents and apologize. The words felt simple, but I knew the tone mattered. The truth mattered more.
But first, let's find out her name .
*****
As I sat down on the bed, the girl immediately sat on my lap, holding my neck like a koala and resting her head on my chest happily. Her weight was light but her grip was strong, and for a second I stiffened.
It wasn't the touch itself, I've had more women clinging to me than I can count. it was the fact that this girl was clinging like I was her lifeline. She had this weird complete trust in me , and my predecessor was going to ditch her. That kinda messes with your psyche.
I flinched a little, which she noticed right away. Her head tilted up, blue eyes blinking at me.
"What's wrong Baby? " She asked with concern. "Are you okay?"
I awkardly patted her back to calm her. "Nothing , just thinking about some stuff."
She looked nervously. " What stuff? Are you thinking about dumping me?" She clenched my shirt tightly.
I coughed lightly. " Uh, no! Not that! It's just, taking away your parents money and running away, it kinda feels bad. I think I should take you back and apologize, they are the parents who raised you after all. Plus, I'm not really a reliable guy. "
She looked at me like I grew a horn on my head. "Why are you saying that? Wasn't it your idea to take me away? Didn't you say we can't be together otherwise."
I scratched my head while cursing my predecessor. " Yeah, because your parents hate my gut. But they would be sad if they lost their daughter. You must also feel bad about it, and I don't wanna hurt you. And you are just 17, It doesn't feel right."
The words were out of my mouth before I could soften them. I expected tears, maybe shouting.
Instead, the jailbait moved fast, shoving me down onto the bed, straddling me, and pressing her mouth to mine. It wasn't practiced . It was clumsy, almost desperate. Her lips were warm but shaky.
I gently pushed her back, hands on her shoulders. "Hey, let me finish talking atleast!"
She grinned at me, breathless but excited. "See! I told my parents you are actually a good guy! They never believed it! Even after how they treated you, you thought about them and how I would feel! I love you so much!"
She giggled and threw her arms around me again, hugging me with a strength I didn't think someone her size could have. I swear I heard my spine complain.
" And did you forget, tomorrow's my birthday. I'll be 18, and we can finally... Do that." She shyly smiled.
'Oh Hell Nah! Miss me with that Diddy shit! ' I screamed in my mind as I tried to push her away, but she had a strong grip.
I sighed and asked. " So, wanna go back to your place and say sorry to your parents? We can decide what to do after that. "
In my mind I was thinking, ' My ass ain't built for taking a prison pounding, so Imma have to tap out girl.'
She shook her head. " No. I don't mind calling them and saying sorry, but I want to be with you. I don't care if they hate you.
And look, I even brought the money I earned from that movie I played in as a child. So it's my money, and my things are all yours anyway." She beamed proudly, like she'd just solved a huge problem.
I stared at her, trying to figure out how to even respond. Affection this sincere was new to me. This was the raw, uncomplicated kind of love you used to see in teenagers in this era. intense, loyal, blind. Not the cynical mess of hookups and transactions I'd been swimming in for decades in future.
Since it's in the 2000's , most people's emotions are still rather real compared to the shitshow that was dating in 2025 era where you can't trust anyone, it's all about money and what you can offer, and everyone is offended or angry somehow.
Not to mention your online crush could be ai made, or worse... A dude.
I wouldn't say I wasn't touched. The girl was clearly in love. But I needed to know more about her, about me, about this whole situation. The memories in my head were still a mess. Most importantly, I had to avoid going to jail by giving into temptation.
She was happy to take a trip down memory lane.
Apparently, she met me about a year ago during her senior year in High school. She was a little nerdy and shy, which didn't help with the high school hierarchy. Plus her being cute and attracting some attention didn't help with the other girls. So they bullied her.
The day we met, she was splashed with red paint by them, and her backpack was thrown away, so she was crying and walking back home which was 5 miles away.
I apparently was driving by, and helped her by taking her to a friend's place, gave her some of my friends clothes, consoled her and dropped her home. It was one of the rare moments I was sober and not angry at something.
My friend, Alice, who was the top baddie in the town and probably nearby 100 miles , asked me later about the clothes, and I told her what happened. She was rather surprised. Despite her gruff look, love for getting high, and tattoos, she was rather soft deep down.
She then paid a visit to her school with her guns and charming personality, and made the cheerleader squad run through the streets while being doused in paint, in their underwears.
The boys in the school got a treat , and this girl developed a hardcore crush which became a somewhat obsessive love and desire to get my attention. Plus her social standing changed as everyone started treating her better after that. And of course she made me as the guardian angel who brought her light.
She even started giving me money for buying guitar, bills, and other stuff without asking, and would come by to check on me. But I was not interested romantically in her due her being a minor.
But the jailbait was persistent and made up her own little fantasy world with me. She even knew I was hooking up with olther girls and tried her best to direct that attention towards her. That gradually worked as she grew prettier, and was willing to do anything for me.
Yeah, anything. That's why I called her jailbait. Because if my drug addled mind gave in, I'd be in a jail. Hell, I myself might go and surrender my ass. I ain't no Diddy. Weird that I actually knew the fucker in my past life.
I did behave decently at times when I was sober. I even thanked her sometimes when she awkardly prepared food for me despite having zero culinary skills.
But you can't fix being a dick. (Anyone played that game? 😉)
An evil idea popped in my head as I had to pay back a loan from a local cartel boss. I told her that her parents hated me and won't let me be with her ever. Plus I was broke and the band stuff was not working out. If she truly wanted to be with me, she should run away from here with me with some cash, which she obediently did.
Of course she didn't know about the cartel and drug stuff.
I was stunned at the weird backstory of our ao called romance. More than that, I was worried about how naive and gullible she is.
She didn't notice my looks, and happily took out her highschool yearbook and started blabbing about her friends and stuff.
I only paid attention when she pointed at a girl and shyly said. " That's my best friend. She also had a crush on you." She then added. "Most girls do after what you did for me."
I looked down at the yearbook absentmindedly and I was stunned by what I saw.
The yearbook was usual, but the people in it were not. Specifically the names. The girl she was pointing at , was named Sophia Bush. I instantly recognized that face. Who wouldn't if they watched One Tree Hill!
Beside her there was a smiling handsome dude, named Chris Evans. Yup. Future Captain America.
I even saw Bully Maguire... Ooppsss, Toby Maguire on the list. What is this , highschool for future stars?
But my shock levels peaked when my eyes fell on the picture beside his.
It was her. The girl currently snuggled against my chest, swinging her legs.
And the name in bold letters beneath the picture: Scarlett Johansson.
I stared. Rubbed my eyes. Looked at her again. Looked at the yearbook again. Same face. Same eyes. Only younger.
'Holy Fuckin Shit! ' That was my thought as I looked at the soon to be 18 year old Scarlett Johansson who was snuggling on my lap.
She was still talking, oblivious to my internal meltdown, pointing out classmates, telling me little stories. Her voice was soft but animated. Then I coughed violently.
Scarlett immediately got up and poured me some water . She offered it as she patted my back. " What happened? Here, drink this."
I took it and drank in a single gulp. I slowly laid down as my mind was on overdrive. I was in a weird world with almost bare minimum knowledge, and in a scenario that is like a wet dream of every straight male. But I was also broke, going through withdrawal and indebted to the fucking cartel of all people.
Scarlett looked at me worriedly and stroke my hair as I calmed down. I sighed and looked at her. "Soooo..... What do you wanna do for your birthday tomorrow? You want anything as present? "
She smiled brightly and laid down beside me. " Anything you want." She then added with a blush. " Since tomorrow I'll be 18 anyway, can you finally accept me as your girlfriend now? That's the best present I can ask for." She looked hopefully.
Oh fuck me dead! Am I groomer now?
****
bang! bang!
"FBI! Open up you sick fuck! "
"Yamete Kudasai agent-kun!"