MEOW MEOW MEOW!
"I am going to kill that human brat!"
The black cat Yoruichi flailed her paws in outrage, determined to claw that hateful human to ribbons.
A maiden of several centuries, pure as first snow, and out of nowhere she suddenly had a man?
Urahara Kisuke and Tsukabishi Tessai were no longer angry. The only reason they restrained Shihōin Yoruichi was to see what other earthshaking nonsense that human boy would spout.
"Captain Yoruichi's... man?"
The Second Division officer stared blankly at Tachibana Yu. A veteran of over three hundred years who had lived through Yoruichi's era, he could hardly imagine that noble, willful, powerful, and beautiful lady falling for a human Soul Reaper.
"Yes," Yu said with a pensive air. "Back in Soul Society, my handsome face accidentally caught Yoruichi's eye, and she pursued me madly."
MEOW!
Yoruichi's screech was bloodcurdling. Tsumugiya Ururu could not hold her at all, and only with Urahara and Tessai's help was the cat subdued.
They dearly wanted to see how deep a grave this boy would dig for himself.
"But I knew my station was low. How could I be worthy of Lady Yoruichi?"
Yu sighed deeply. The Second Division officer felt that in his bones. Yoruichi was head of the Shihōin, one of the top five noble houses, and captain of the Second Division. In those days the entire Second Division was basically her private army. One word from her could shake all Seireitei. For an ordinary Soul Reaper, marrying such a woman would take terrifying courage.
"So I fled to the World of the Living to escape her pursuit," Yu went on, clenching his fist in melodramatic pain. "But I never imagined Lady Yoruichi's feelings ran so deep. To erase the gulf in status between us, she cast aside everything, even turned herself into a black cat to continue courting me here."
"Her love was too extreme. I could not bear it, so I captured this Soul Reaper as my wife to make her give up completely."
MEOW!
With a shriek, a black cat rocketed in at highway speed and leapt onto Yu, raking furiously at his face.
"Brat!"
"I am going to kill you!"
"How dare you spout such lies!"
"Lady Yoruichi!" the Second Division officer gasped, dropping to one knee without hesitation. A hundred years had passed since he last saw her, and she was in feline form now, yet he recognized her at once.
Yoruichi had no time for him. She only clawed harder. "You hateful brat, slandering me like this. Who would pine after you? When I was a captain you had not even been born!"
Yu quickly caught her paws. Only then did he realize that this black cat's strength was about that of an ordinary house pet.
Kuchiki Rukia had regained her freedom, but forgot to explain a thing. She just stared at Yu, speechless with shock. Three captains, named in one breath.
Kurosaki Ichigo and Ishida Uryū gaped at the talking cat.
"A cat... is talking..."
Scratched in several places, Yu fished out his household treasure from inside his clothing and popped it into the cat's mouth.
"Meow?"
Yoruichi blinked. She wanted to spit the thing out, but could not bring herself to waste it. A few seconds later she was weaving on her paws, eyes dreamy, purring with bliss.
MEOW...
She nuzzled in Yu's arms, rubbed her head against his chest, and even gave his extended fingers a lick.
The Second Division officer was dumbstruck. If not for the spiritual pressure radiating from the cat, he would never have believed this was the same proud, capricious Lady Yoruichi of old.
Could the boy be telling the truth...
His second thought arrived a heartbeat later. Captain Soi Fon was going to lose her mind and might storm the living world.
"Do not misunderstand. He is talking nonsense," an exasperated voice said behind him.
The officer startled, then stared again. "Captain Urahara. Tsukabishi-dono."
Urahara Kisuke, Tsukabishi Tessai, Hanakari Jinta, and Tsumugiya Ururu stood there. Urahara spread his hands helplessly. "The brat is just an ordinary human. He is not a former Soul Reaper, not our disciple, and we have met him exactly once."
Tessai hurried to add, "He is not my disciple either. I have never taught him kidō. He cannot cast a single spell."
The officer's face went bitter. He glanced at the black cat still cuddling in Yu's arms. Every word he was hearing felt like a lie.
Urahara smacked his own forehead. He was usually the one doing the scheming. Today he finally tasted being schemed against.
Tessai felt much the same.
After several minutes the Second Division officer calmed and, testing the waters, pointed toward Rukia. "Then... since that human Soul Reaper is not your disciple, may I take her back to Seireitei?"
Urahara: "..."
Tessai: "..."
Urahara forced a smile. "Of course. We will not interfere in that matter. We are not connected with them."
A little confidence returned to the officer. A promise at captain level was worth something. As long as Shihōin Yoruichi, Urahara Kisuke, Tsukabishi Tessai, and those two kids did not step in, he fancied his odds even against two human Soul Reapers and a Quincy.
He leveled his blade at Yu with solemn eyes.
Yu gently handed the purring cat to Ururu. His right hand closed over his heart. "If I were you, I would not think about drawing."
Before the officer's widening eyes, Yu swept his arm, and an eighty meter blade burst from his body in a single swing.
BOOM!