I paced around the streets in the rain, my body soaked in the grimy junk from the sewage and cold rain. "If only I could go back and restart from the beginning," I muttered as I continued to walk through the streets of Tokyo in my bare feet.
Back in my junior high days, I was an above average guy, I ain't the piece of garbage you see right now. I came from a pretty well-off family. Gramps owned a dojo around the outskirts of the state, about 40 minutes away from the Tokyo metro station if you were to drive a car, it was pretty famous.
I was an only child, my parents died shortly after I was born. Since then I lived with Gramps.
I would say I was a pretty good fighter in those days, I was at least the best in my school, or maybe even the whole state, I won't really know, as I never really had an actual experience outside of the tiny neighbourhood.
Now it's a completely different story… How did I lose that fight?
Huff— My ego just got humbled, huh?
Everyone back then knew me as the prodigy, not academically, my grades sucked, but I had a knack for athletics. I was in the basketball club, the karate club, the boxing club… I was once respected…
I was pretty involved with everything, really became the complete opposite later, huh?
I had everything…
I wasn't always this grimy shit of a person, what had really changed since then.
It wasn't until high school, or more like the last year of junior high, was the turning point in my life. I was 13, turning 14, it was my birthday, nothing really happened, back then, Gramps was still healthy and jumping, at least I thought he was…
Now thinking back if I looked closely I might have found that his breathing was uneasy. That day was just like every other normal day, other than my rather predictable breakup with my then girlfriend, Gramps and I never celebrated birthdays and all of that, on the day we would just go out and treat ourselves to a nice meal and that was it.
My 14th birthday was no different, we went out to a nice ramen place, then Gramps went home first, I stayed behind roaming the streets of Tokyo looking around for some games for my playstation.
I stayed for quite a long time, probably around like 4 hours, it's almost midnight when I got a call.
I don't know the number, it seemed like it's a scam call. Dismissing it as no more than a scam, I cut the line. The same number called again. If it was really a scammer I could just cut the line again, I picked up. A voice through the phone told me the news… "... is currently in critical condition in Misui Hospital."
A ping shot through my head, the news was sudden, just a few hours ago Gramps was still slurping on ramen next to me.
I tried my best to rush to the hospital but with just my card on me all I could really do was wait for the train, and about an hour later I got there just to see a white cloth atop what was left of my family, I didn't even get to see him one last time…
Guilty, I'd want to die, but I know he would've told me to live on the best I can.
I lost my very mind, I lost my only remaining family, maybe there were still some uncles and cousins who I don't know out there in the world. I carried on with my life — at least I tried to.
My 'friends' grew colder and colder everyday, I was less involved with everything, quitting out of one club after another.
By the end of the year I wasn't in any.
Slowly I went from the popular kid down to being the quiet kid, my grades dropped to a point where I was bottom of the class, the worst anyone can go.
My once 'friends' kicked me out of the friend group, by then I was truly alone, no one to go to, no one to talk to.
I became depressed, watching porn and eechi anime became a lifestyle rather than a hobby…
The loner who sits in the far corner of the classroom… The unpopular quiet kid. That's the type of guys who become protagonists in romance animes… Heh— I learned the hard way that this isn't an anime…`
I became a piece of junk, everyone hated me by now…
Hell, I hated myself, even when actually nice people tried to comfort me, I'd think they were trying to mock me and I would just tell them to go fuck themselves.
I thought studying was pointless, my grades dropped even further, I was failing every subject, and it didn't help that my old 'friends' started to mock me, laugh at me.
I thought I was doing just fine, who needs grades anyways, who needs friends? I figured I would be fine without those, who do you think I am, I'm way above the league of these idiots…
I was wrong…
So wrong.
Without me realising my depression had gotten worse and worse. I started skipping school, over time I dropped out of school entirely, I became a shut-in.
Once I dropped out, I rented myself a small apartment with the money I inherited from Gramps. Unless I was out for food or groceries I never left the apartment, I still had my laptop and internet so I was able to kill plenty of time watching anime and other stuff.
Despite all of the 'fun' I'm having I wanted to go back to school, I really wanted to, thinking back now maybe I should have.
But in the end I shook away the thought of doing that, I understood how much I would be bullied if I actually did that, you can probably imagine the situation by yourself, a 20 something year-old fatass sitting in a class with a bunch of juniors.
I maybe could have actually achieved something even as a shut-in, maybe I could have written a web-novel, or hell maybe I could have even become a successful mangaka.
I had the time, a lot of it. With some real effort, maybe I could have even become a professional gamer, I mean I was grinding MMOs and RPGs, till the point I have actually gotten quite good at them.
If I had chosen any of these paths back then maybe I wouldn't be standing here in the cold rain, "I really want to go back…"
I see crowds of people in front of me, "Hmm?" I muttered under my breath, without me even realising, I already walked around the streets for so long that I was already in Shibuya, to put in perspective that should have been around a 3 hour walk.
I looked up at the billboards, all of these new gen stars, I never heard of any of them. I kept walking through the crowded feet, I couldn't stop my feet kept moving, taking me towards the large billboard's direction.
The ad on the billboard shifted, a new ad was played, it was a sporting drink ad. The model in the ad seemed familiar, have I seen her somewhere, maybe in a porn video or something?
No way porn-stars nowadays get to be in public ads nowadays.
I continued to walk closer and closer towards the billboard, "Hmmm… Who is she?" I mumbled, as I desperately searched through my memory trying to find any hint.
***
"Hehehe, look at you, you really got it done."
"You are giving me too much praise, I really have to thank my manager for this."
Two voices spoke, it seems like your typical conversation, nothing really special.
There were two young women standing under the billboard.
They were both really cute.
One of them especially stood out, she had a short bob cut above her shoulder, she wore little makeup, even still her features were defined, she was beautiful.
Seeing this sight brought back older memories.
Back in middle school I once had a girlfriend who was really cute. She always wore a short bob cut above her shoulder, what I meant by cute was that she was perfect.
To me she was a 10 out of 10, still to this day I can get off at least 5 times just by thinking of her face. Come to think of it, a few years ago I heard she became a big movie star or something like that, by 'heard' I mean seeing her posts on her social media accounts.
Our relationship back then wasn't bad at all, we were together for quite a while, almost 2 years if I didn't remember wrongly.
We have known each other since we were young, we went to the same kindergarten, the same primary school, we were somewhat what they call 'childhood friends', that trope always pops up in LNs, it's always the losing heroines though. It was not until the end of primary school when I started developing feelings for her.
First day of junior high, we were in the same class again. After a lot of thought, by a lot I mean a lot, I didn't want to lose our friendship nor did I want to miss the once in a lifetime opportunity, I was conflicted.
At the end of the day, the bell rang and the class was dismissed.
We walked out to the locker area where I decided I was going to do it. I mustered up all the courage I could get and confessed to her.
I succeeded.
Nothing really went south throughout the relationship, there weren't any arguments, there weren't any fights, all was good.
As they say 'all good things come to an end', and that 'end' was the end of year 2 of junior high, there wasn't a big argument, it was just that her feeling slowly faded, we broke up and that was that.
Even after we split up, our relationship was still not bad, it was back to the childhood friend stuff. Her name, Kuroi Shiina. Maybe if I talked to her back then I wouldn't have fallen into this hole.
"___?"
Did I just hear my name? No way anyone recognises me, I haven't been outside in almost 13 years. I'm sure that the voice sounded familiar, but who? Who would be able to recognise me?
"Is that you ___?"
I'm sure that person is talking to me, but who is that person? I scan the surrounding area, looking around in the large crowd of people.
In the very back I see her… standing under the biggest billboard around… there she was— Kuroi Shiina, she didn't change much, she looked pretty much the same as how I remember, the slightly sunburnt skin and that mole under her left eye.
Kuroi was standing in the middle of the street, the moonlight shining off her clear shining skin.
Then I noticed something out of the corner of my eye, a truck speeding at high speed onto the road straight towards Kuroi, the driver of the truck was slumped over the steering wheel, his head down, asleep on the wheel.
Kuroi doesn't notice it.
"He–hey, lo–look out… look ou…" Shit I can't speak properly. Since becoming a shut-in I barely spoke out loud, the only time I talk is when I have to say 'thank you' to the workers at the convenience store.
My weak vocal cords can't even shout. Pathetic. Kuroi still doesn't see the truck, she just looks at me confused at what I'm trying to say.
I knew I had to save her, she was so nice to me before, if she got splattered to paste by the truck I'm sure I would have regretted it and I would end up like before again.
Ah fuck it, I'll just push her out of the way. I tried to sprint at her as the truck approached us at a dangerously high speed.
The likelihood of me pushing her out of the way and dying from the truck was nearly 100%. I mean that wouldn't be that bad, I don't even have a life worth living anymore.
I ran towards her, staggering from the pain of the bruises on my legs, I forced myself to run faster.
The headlights shined brighter, and brighter as the truck approached. With all my might I pushed Kuroi out of the way, my hand reached around her chest area. Yeah, that felt good. No, not the right time to think about that.
I feel a hard object push against the side of my arm, I feel my arm crack at the impact. A white flash blossoms from in front of me, was this what dying feels like?
Is this what it feels like when my life flashes before my eyes?
She's safe right? Kuroi Shiina is not in the crash, right?
I wasn't dead just yet, I could still see, I felt the hard concrete floor under me, I couldn't move.
Every bone in my body was probably shattered, I looked over, Kuroi was frozen in place. A bright light came closer and closer, the truck didn't stop. I felt something heavy above me, I was pinned onto the cold concrete floor, my lungs were crushed.
Blood poured everywhere, I coughed—
I closed my eyes, dried without tears.
And then I was dead.
My bad Kuroi, you didn't have to see that.