Self -destruction is such a pretty little thing. If I overdose, will you die with me?
***
Yes, hi, thank you for reading this before continuing to the rest of the story. It's a short one, and perfect for people who enjoy bad ending stories where there are no happily ever afters.
( I don't get why people would enjoy them but well, who am I to judge since I wrote it?)
All the stories are true. (quote-and-quote Jace Herondale)
(Well, mostly. I made a few minor changes to make the story go smoother)
This short story of mine is based on my own life, and I've been through every single emotion I wrote down inside (so yes, a lot of heartbreaks and negative emotions).
Love life can be tough, and I'm sure a lot of people have crushes that don't really end up long in their lives or were never in their lives at all (I'm sorry to hear that). Maybe to some people, I'm already lucky I got a few months with him. But people (especially me) are greedy.
My teacher told me it's fine to just stay friends with him, but I don't want to be 'just friends' with him.
I'm not short of friends. I only want him.
Yet again, not all love stories are fantasies, and that's a truth I must accept. Just because I have feelings for him, no matter how deep they are, doesn't mean that he must return them.
I wanted him, loved him, and I really, really, really did make efforts and tried hard to make him like me back.
Being a girl who isn't really used to (which means never) expresses her own feelings and keeps
everything inside her funny little head, I have tried talking to him about my feelings, and plucked up courage to tell him things the younger me would never thought of telling my crush.
I've never tried so hard to get to any single guy before.
He was like the unrequited love for me.
I tried my best.
But since this is not working out, then it's probably best for me to just push it away.
This is like an investment. I invest time, effort, and heart into this relationship. If it's not working out, then either I keep on gambling, or I pull myself away.
It had been April when I first met him. Our relationship ended in September. It was a Midsummer's Night Dream.
This...story, or journal, come to think of it, would be like a memoir. So I can look back and maybe enjoy pieces of my childish love when I grow up.
Though maybe a small part of me would always continue to have feelings for him, I promised myself I would keep them safely locked away inside a box, and I would throw the keys into the endless unknown so I wouldn't ever open or even touch it again. For the sake of both of us.
Now, I announce that I am officially giving up on him.
After all, I'm beginning to tune up my standards after breaking up with Leo (which was a choice of disaster to date), and he was utterly perfect. He was everything that I've ever wanted.
Which was also why I was so surprised when I found out he had never dated before.
Oh well, we're getting a bit off topic.
To some extent, I agree whole-heartedly that our relationship is toxic. I have been through so much overthinking, so much self-doubt, so much frustration, that my mental health dropped down like throwing a rock down a cliff. While he, on the other hand, felt nothing at all, and continued to live on his life like nothing had happened at all.
Though, technically this isn't his fault. He doesn't know the things I'm going through, nor would he ever know.
One of the biggest reasons making that happen was that I adore (or maybe even worship) him too much for my own good, that the relationship between us isn't balanced anymore. He was perfect in my eyes, someone that I would sacrifice nearly everything to date. That made me vulnerable, my emotions and moods swaying with his every action and reaction.
I shouldn't have put myself in such a situation. If I had looked to him as my equal, maybe things would be different. He's not the only man in the world. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I should love myself more than anything or anyone else in the world.
Everyone around me describes me as someone bubbly and colorful, extrovert and with personality. But when I'm with him, I could feel my confidence seeping out of me, becoming sensitive and fragile, careful with my every move. I have told myself again and again that this isn't right. But it changes absolutely nothing.
Nonetheless, I did learn a lot from him. How to be more rational when facing situations that might break you down, and the ultimate solution to most things. Speak aloud. If you have a problem, say it. Don't hold it in because not everyone is going to notice that you mind or have a problem with whatever that is. Apart from this, something I learnt through the hard way was that everyone's different. Their ways of showing their feelings, of talking, their actions...
For example, if me and him say the exact same things in exact same situations, the things we want to express could be completely different. Which had actually caused...kind of a lot of misunderstandings between us.
There were both good and bad times with him, and well, looks like it's finally time to let go of this toxic relationship.
He was never as good as I thought he was, I knew clearly, and everything was more of my own
imagination and my 'filter' on him.
I should have realized it earlier. But instead, he was too much of a mental anchor to me I shut
everything rational out of my mind.
It was like the Jacky-and-me (Jacky was a guy who had a crush on me for a long time, even until now) situation altogether again, but this time, I am Jacky.
I have questioned myself multiple times.
Do I like him? Yes.
Why? He is perfect.
How is he perfect? I never thought of it. And I don't know.
What part of him do I like? I don't know.
What did he do or what's so special about him that made me like him? I don't know. At all.
Do I really like him? Yes.
Was liking him a rational choice? No.
What is it about him that made him unforgettable? His whole existence.
There. I found my problem.
I like him because he was there at the time when I needed comfort. When I needed someone. Anyone.
He could be anyone. It doesn't necessarily have to be him that I like. But he was just there at the right time in my life.
Which makes our relationships even more toxic.
We'd never last long, like cheap cologne. It was obvious from the start. But I never realized it. Until now.
I'm going to attend my university entrance exam next year, and he this year. We both have different universities we want to enter. He wanted to go to the Chinese University of Hong Kong, to study physics (yes, he is weird), and I Hong Kong University to study English and Education. (Though I'm not sure if I could get in or not). The best thing I could do for myself is to keep myself so busy that I could forget about him (and my personal feelings) completely. Then I guess I'll be as right as rain.
It's like if I slow down I whither and my heart starts dying from the inside.
So, I need to keep running like someone is chasing after me with a huge cockroach (yes, I have a special phobia for that, sigh.)
Well, thank you for listening to me yapping. I don't usually get chances like this. :)
There are so many things I left unsaid.
.
For Angel, Jacky, Carol and Cici
Thank you for supporting me and giving me both good (and sometimes bad) advice when I'm getting frustrated dealing with him
I love you guys. <3