The dream always started the same way: with the sound of my older siblings' laughter. In my mind, boarding school wasn't just a place; it was a feeling. It was the echo of their late-night stories that slipped under the crack of my bedroom door, tales of whispered conversations with friends that stretched until dawn, a world away from the watchful eyes of the Director Of Discipline and the patrons at home. It was an escape. A promise of freedom. What I never dreamed was that this freedom would crack me open, that it would lead me to finally acknowledge the shiiii I kept locked deep inside. I couldn't blame boarding school for that, though. The truth was, I already knew. I liked girls, the softness of punanis, sure… but my God, how I yearned for dick.
This dream was all that filled my head as I finished primary school. The transition to high school was everything. It was the only thing that mattered. COVID-19 had stolen seven months from us, seven months of anticipation, and by the time the national results were released, I was practically vibrating with a need to get there, to start my real life.
When the results finally came, the numbers on the page glowed. I had done it. I had done well—better than well. I was the first and only one in my family to ever get marks like that. For that one day, I was the star. The air in our house felt different, charged with a pride that was usually reserved for other things. I basked in it, letting the praise wash over me, but my mind was already miles away, picturing the gates of a boarding school.
That evening, my dad came home from work. He was in a good mood, buoyed by my success. He clapped me on the shoulder, his hand heavy and warm.
"So, Haru," he said, using the Japanese name my mother loved. "You'll go to the same school as your brother, yes? It's a good dayschool. He can keep an eye on you."
My heart sank. The same dayschool? Where I'd have to come home every evening to the same rules, the same environment? Where my older brother would be my shadow? In that instant, a stubborn knot tightened in my chest. Ngl, in my mind, I felt a sharp, clear thought: my brother didn't want me there. Maybe he thought I'd embarrass him, the awkward younger sibling cramping his style. And hell yeah, I didn't want that shiii either. I wanted my own story, not to be a footnote in his.
I looked my dad straight in the eye, the confidence from my results fueling me. "No," I said, my voice surprisingly steady. "I want to go to a boarding school."
There was a beat of silence. I saw the calculation in his eyes—the cost, the logistics. But I had just given him a reason to brag to his friends. How could he deny the star of the day?
He agreed. Just like that. And he didn't just agree; he instantly put a plan into motion. "Ryūnosuke will take you," he declared. My half-brother, Ryūnosuke, who had just repeated his first year of high school. The irony wasn't lost on me. The family academic hope was being shepherded by the repeater. But I didn't care. I was going.
The school, Akatani Academy, wasn't in the capital, but it was close. Really close. The car ride with Ryūnosuke was quiet. He had that shiii down to an art form—the not-giving-a-fckk vibe. His lips stayed sealed, his eyes on the road, while my stomach was a tangled mess of excitement and terror.
When the car finally passed through the school gates, a cold wave of reality washed over me. Mhnnn, ngl, I felt nervous. The buildings were larger than I'd imagined, swarming with students who all seemed to know exactly where they were going. For a terrifying second, I fcknn really wanted to go back. To the safety of my home, to the familiar. But this was the new phase I'd begged for. So I fcknn went in there.
We went straight to the dorms for bed checking. It was fckk embarrassing. All these new boys, all their parents, the noise, the chaos. I had nothing to do, no one to talk to. Ryūnosuke had melted into the crowd. So, guess what I did? I opened up a dictionary—imagine—and stared fcknn readinggg. I know, I know, it was fckknn embarrassing. I could feel the heat in my own cheeks. I just hid behind the thin pages, pretending the definitions of "aberrant" and "zenith" were the most fascinating things in the world.
And then I looked up. Ngll buhhh there were handsome faces all over. Everywhere I turned, another sharp jawline, another confident smile. I felt down and cheap as shiiiii. Like I didn't belong in their universe. This was the freedom I'd dreamed of, and already, it was overwhelming.
Time blurred. We went for prep, we studied, we went to classes. Unfortunately, me and Ryūnosuke weren't in the same class. I was on my own. In class, I met new people. Of course, there were repeaters, and ofc they stood out because they fcknn knew each other. And then there was this one calm student, sitting right at the front of the class. Calm, rally. Like he was giving no fckk or shiuuiii. I fcknn wanted to be like that. I wanted that cool, unshakeable peace. Even up to now, I fcknn wnt to be a calm person, ngll, talk less…
But buhhhhhh THAT'S NOT MEEEEEE.
The first day was over. It was nothing like the stories I'd heard. It was louder, scarier, and more isolating. But as I lay in my new, stiff bed that night, the fear was still there, but underneath it was a current of something else. A thrilling, terrifying sense of possibility. The star of the day was gone. Now, I was just Haru. And this was only the beginning.
END OF CHAP 1