The sun soon sank into the horizon, and the cold night seeped through the windows. Rick, as usual, was cuddled up in his Peter Rabbit pajamas with his phone in his hands. Mia lay beside him, still in her jeans and tee. She stared at him, and when she couldn't take it any longer, she started.
"Do you think we're okay?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, look at us. Look at you. Are you happy?"
"Of course I'm happy. What do you mean by that question? Aren't you happy?" He dropped his phone on the bedside table and turned to face her.
The look on her face made him worried, so he asked, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. That's what's wrong. Nothing at all is happening between us."
"Baby, I already told you. I'm a lawyer, not a psychic. I can't know what you want to say until you actually say it. All these pieces... You know I'm bad at games."
"It's just… I've been thinking…"
"Whenever you start like that, then it's a long conversation."
Mia smiled but continued talking, staring at the ceiling.
"Rick. When we first met, I didn't tell you so many things about me. All you knew was that I wanted to forget my past and move on. And I am grateful that you didn't ask or force me to say anything."
"Okay, so?" Rick interrupted impatiently.
"Just listen, please." Mia snapped back.
"What was I trying to say again?" She took a deep breath and then picked up from where she stopped.
"I was trying to say we can't pretend I don't have a past. You know, needs and things like that. I know you have a life and work... but I also have a life to get back to, you know? I can't be stuck here while you have all the adventures that you want to have. I mean, I hate that nothing is happening. I'm just... Rick? Rick!"
"Arghhh," Mia groaned again. "I can't believe you right now."
He had dozed off, leaving Mia alone to herself and her 'talk'. She grunted, more hurt than angry. Then she picked herself up and made her way to the study; her journal, pen and half-glass of champagne were patiently waiting for her.
"Hmm. What do we have here?" Mia said to herself, crashing into the sofa and crossing her legs. She took the book from off the table, opened to the most recent pages and read it out loud.
"Thursday, October 20th, 2019.
9:23 AM.
I can't wait for my birthday tomorrow.
But at the same time, I hate it.
A birthday party with no friends.
At least none are mine.
I don't want to admit it, but part of me knows it.
I wish there was a way out. A way to taste the life I had before.
Maybe that's my birthday wish.
If wishes do come true, then I wish for a re-do. A chance to choose again."
Mia closed the journal, laughing at her pathetic self. She sipped her drink until one sip turned into the full bottle.
Her eyes were already glazed over, lost in thought and staring off into space. But then, out of nowhere, a sound jolted her back to reality, causing her to jump.
Mia picked up her phone and saw his face again. And it all came back for a moment.
She opened the post, and the video appeared on her screen. But Mia was a little bit disappointed that he didn't post his face that night. It was a recording of his strong, tattooed hands holding a bottle of wine that cost thousands, from the look of it.
Though the video was not intriguing, her eyes caught the sign of the caption that said 'expecting my person soon'.
As much as she didn't want to, part of her remained hurt from the thought that this person might be a woman.
Yes, it had already been two years since she last saw him, but he still made her feel a certain way. His aura of danger, his husky body, his Spanish accent, and even the smell of blood that always hung around him – everything was enough to make her leave Rick for good without looking back.
But she couldn't bear to forgive him. Not after what he did. She could never kiss him – fuck him – knowing that he is the reason she doesn't have any family left alive.
"Maybe I should text him. Maybe I should let him know it still hurts. Maybe I should ask him if this so-called person is better than I am."
She scrolled through her phone until she found the comment section. She typed, 'I hate you.' Then mumbled to herself again.
"No, I don't hate him. I just want to hate him so bad that it hurts that I couldn't."
She then erased the 'hate' and typed 'love' instead. Before she could press the send button, the phone slipped from her hand and her eyes shut down.
It was just for some seconds, though. By the time her eyes opened again, her phone was on the couch beside her, and the light on the screen had turned off.
Getting up to return to the bedroom, she quietly slipped back under the blanket, careful not to wake Rick. She let out a soft sigh and closed her eyes.
☘ ☘ ☘
Mia wakes up to Rick's incessant shoving.
"Great! You are awake. I was saying that I have to rush over to work today and might not be around for breakfast."
He kissed her quickly on the cheek before rushing off, pacing up and down looking for one thing or the other.
"What!?" She asked confusingly, rubbing her eyes to reduce the haziness from her still sleepy eyes.
"I'm also thinking of throwing a party. You know, to celebrate my success. Nothing big." He said as he came into the room, adjusting his tie in the mirror.
"So clear the baby's room before I get back. We no longer need all those things. Besides, it's just bad memories."
"Bad memories?" She sat up.
"Yeah. Thinking about it is bad for our marriage, don't you think?" He twirled to face her with his hands wide apart. "How do I look?"
"What do you mean 'bad' for our relationship?"
"Don't get me wrong, Mia." He came up to her. "It's just…it's been a long time since…you know… And it's best to let go of the past. You know, move forward towards brighter memories, like my success, for example."
"What are you talking about? How could you even compare the two? Our baby is now a dark memory?"
He touched her hands softly. "Hey…don't go there. I'm doing this for you. Your addiction is getting out of hand. And I just need…"
She yanked his hands. "Addiction? You think I'm an addict?"
"To alcohol, yes!" He got up and turned away. "It's how we lost the baby in the first place. And here I thought the situation would do a little bit of changing in you, but things are getting worse. I just want to help you…"
"Help me? You would have helped me if you just stayed home! If you were home that night, we could have saved the baby."
"Well, if you had your bad habits in check, he'd still be here, regardless of where I was!"
"That's it right there… bad habits. It's not your fault. Never your fault."
"What are you trying to do? Make this whole disaster my fault?" Rick was on his way out with those words.
"Wow!" Mia was stunned. "Wow! Finally, someone has to say it. This marriage has been nothing but a disaster."
He turned back. "I'm warning you, Mia. Don't put words in my mouth."
"Oh really?" Mia fired back.
"You know what? I don't blame you. I blame myself. I blame the day that I said yes to you."
"Stop it, Mia. Don't start with your madness."
"My madness? Now it's my madness? You pretend that you respect my decisions, not wanting to know about my past. But it's a lie. You hate my past. It disgusts you. And you are afraid of knowing who I was. But that's where the problem is. No matter how much we try to deny it, I will always be me."
Rick didn't say a word. He left for the study room, and soon after, Mia heard the door bang shut.
She burst into tears.