Chapter 39 – Jiraiya: My Condition Has Finally Been Cured!
Orochimaru worked faster than even Uchiha Yujiro had imagined.
In less than half a month, he produced a finished product—and proudly declared that he could continue improving and enhancing it further.
Yujiro was delighted with his speed.
As a reward, he promised Orochimaru a one-third share of profits from his soon-to-open business venture: Uchiha's Grand Pharmacy, featuring their flagship product—Ryūchi Cave Rejuvenation Powder.
But Orochimaru wasn't exactly thrilled.
He felt that, since he was providing the technology, it should at least be a fifty-fifty split.
Yujiro explained patiently, "Hey, that two-thirds isn't all mine. Think about it—if I go out selling this stuff bare-handed, without any backing, how would that look?"
Orochimaru thought for a moment. "Not… appropriate."
"Exactly," Yujiro continued. "And the people helping me promote it, taking the risks, putting their reputations on the line—shouldn't they get a cut too?"
Orochimaru frowned, but nodded slowly. "That… does sound more reasonable."
Yujiro smiled. "See? These shares aren't just gifts. They're ropes—ropes to bind people together.
We'll use them to tie in those who aren't yet on our side, to hook the ones who weren't interested before.
That way, our exclusive Ryūchi Cave tonic—the legendary vitality powder that even Snake Sannin Orochimaru himself recommends—can fetch a truly outrageous price."
"I understand… mostly," Orochimaru said, nodding.
"But I do have one small request."
"Go ahead, buddy," Yujiro said, grinning. "Say what's on your mind."
"Well…" Orochimaru hesitated. "Can we not use my name on the product?"
Yujiro rejected the idea instantly. "No way! You're one of the Legendary Sannin, the sole inheritor of Ryūchi Cave's secrets! We're not just putting your name on the label—we're printing your face on it!"
Orochimaru: "…"
Yujiro: "…"
They stared at each other for a long, silent moment—until Orochimaru finally sighed in defeat.
"Fine," he said bitterly. "But can we at least… change the part that says 'Even I said it works'?"
Yujiro nodded. "That's negotiable. Who should we change it to, then?"
Orochimaru's golden eyes glinted. "Tell me, of the three Legendary Sannin, who do you think fits this product best?"
Yujiro: "…"
Orochimaru: "…"
Both broke into identical sinister grins.
"Fufufufu…" ×2
---
A few days later…
Dusty and road-worn, Jiraiya finally returned to Konoha. He picked up a copy of the New Konoha Times, glanced at the front page—and froze.
Right there, taking up half the page, was a huge picture of Orochimaru.
But not the pale, sinister, snake-eyed Orochimaru he remembered.
No.
This Orochimaru was smiling brightly—almost idiotically—giving a thumbs-up with one hand and holding up a bottle with the other. He looked so enthusiastic that if someone said it was Might Guy in disguise, people would believe it.
Actually, it was Might Guy using a transformation jutsu.
Even the bottle Orochimaru held had another picture of Orochimaru holding a bottle with his own face on it—creating a surreal infinite loop of Orochimarus smiling and posing.
Beside the photo was the blaring front-page headline, written in bold, thick lettering:
"BREAKING NEWS! Orochimaru Achieves the Impossible!
Ryūchi Cave's 8,000-Year-Old Secret Elixir Finally Hits the Market!"
Below that, in slightly smaller font:
"New Product Launch – Developed by Orochimaru!
The Ryūchi Cave Rejuvenation & Vitality Tonic!
Restore Your Youth, Strengthen Your Body, Reignite Your Passion!
Even Jiraiya Says It Works!!!"
The article itself, when summarized, was simple yet outrageous:
After years of wandering, the famous author and hero Jiraiya had "fallen victim" to a certain… personal issue.
Unable to "perform," he suffered emotional devastation while conducting "hands-on research" for his next novel.
While most men would hide in shame, Jiraiya persevered for the sake of his art, enduring the scornful looks of countless women—until the situation worsened to both physical and mental ruin.
But! Seeing his old friend's suffering, Orochimaru was moved to action.
After long, tireless years of research, he finally developed the perfect cure: Ryūchi Cave Rejuvenation Powder, specifically designed to treat Jiraiya's "condition."
According to the report, when the formula succeeded, Jiraiya had burst into tears, fallen to his knees, and clutched Orochimaru's thigh, crying:
"My illness… it's finally been cured!!!"
---
"...What the hell is this???"
After reading every word, Jiraiya's expression twisted into something indescribable—a mixture of outrage, disbelief, amusement, and despair.
He wanted to scream. He wanted to laugh. He wanted to storm over and punch someone.
In the end, all he could do was sigh… and mutter:
"…I swear, I leave the village for a few months, and this is what happens?"
---
For the record, Jiraiya had returned to Konoha at the request of his beloved student, Minato Namikaze—
to discuss a matter involving a certain red-haired boy named Nagato.
Some time ago, Uchiha Yujiro had revealed everything about Nagato and the Akatsuki to Minato Namikaze.
And ever since then, poor Minato had been stressed bald. His golden locks were falling out in clumps, marking a historic step forward—from "Yellow Flash" to "Shining Bald."
When a child faces a problem they can't handle alone, naturally they go tell their parent.
And though Minato was, like every tragic orphan-protagonist from an early-era Light Novel, born without parents… fortunately, he had a good teacher.
Jiraiya might not be the most reliable man on earth, but when his student's in trouble, he shows up every single time.
Part of that was because Minato had written asking for help.
But the bigger reason was Nagato—Jiraiya's most cherished disciple.
He had spent half his life chasing after the prophecy of the Great Toad Sage.
In Jiraiya's mind, the boy who possessed the Rinnegan could only be the Child of Prophecy.
Especially since Nagato's ideals, and even the Akatsuki's early mission, perfectly matched Jiraiya's own beliefs.
As for the prophecy's ominous warning—"The child will bring either great change or great destruction to the world"—Jiraiya had never worried about that part.
Change the world? Destroy the world? Please.
This was his student we were talking about—a gentle boy who'd rather step over an ant than crush it. How could someone like that ever bring ruin to the shinobi world?
…Until he read Minato's letter.
Then his entire worldview collapsed.
A single word summed up his feelings:
"Holy sh*t."
Danzō had struck again. That lunatic had somehow taken what was once a peace and relief organization—and turned it into a full-blown militant cult.
---
After years of endless wars, slaughter, and bloodshed, the shinobi world didn't have many exports—but one thing it had plenty of was psychopaths.
The only difference was that most of them had the will to destroy the world, but not the power.
Nagato, unfortunately, had both.
"What a goddamn mess."
Upon hearing the news, Jiraiya immediately rushed back to Konoha, moving at full speed to meet with Minato and discuss what to do.
And that was when he saw it—
The New Konoha Times, with its front-page article personally written and edited by none other than Uchiha Yujiro.
Smearing Orochimaru was one thing—Orochimaru had no shame to begin with.
But smearing him, Jiraiya the Great?
And in that kind of way?!
Absolutely not!
He was Jiraiya—the unrivaled Casanova of the Shinobi World, the undefeated champion of the Hidden Leaf's red-light district, a man who had traversed fields of flowers without letting a single petal cling to him!
His reputation in the world of women far surpassed his reputation in the world of ninja!
And now this Uchiha brat dared to print that he had some kind of problem?
No way. Unacceptable.
Anger flared in his chest, his killing intent rising like a storm.
The moment he saw that little Uchiha devil, he swore he would go Sage Mode on the spot—
and unleash a Sage Art: Super Giant Rasengan,
to blow Uchiha Yujiro into paste—
and then grind the paste into smaller paste!
---