Her eyes felt heavy as she stared at the pills on the table. She closed them tightly and shook her head slowly. Sean's words kept spinning in her head. She didn't know if it was her womb or her heart that ached now. Her lips parted, but no sound came out. Every day, it was the same face, weary eyes, messy hair, and hands that never stopped twisting the hem of her shirt. It had been five days, she'd been staring at the same white ceiling. The scent of medicine was now more familiar than the morning air. The sound of nurses' footsteps came and went, while her guilt refused to fade.
She heard footsteps approaching, her lips, which had been drooping, slowly tightened, and her eyes, having lost their gentle glow, now held only a piercing, blank stare.
The door opened slightly; through the narrow gap, the hem of a pink dress and a strand of long hair cascading over someone's shoulder were visible.
"Lexaa," she said.
The corners of her lips turned upward as her feet touched the marble floor. Alexa spread her arms and took a few quick steps forward. Her arms wrapped tightly around that back; for a moment, it felt as though time had stopped there.
Her grip began to loosen. Becca looked at her best friend with sympathy, there were so many words she couldn't bring herself to say right now.
"I, I…" her voice caught in her throat. Her defenses crumbled instantly. Tears streamed down her face.
Becca shook her head gently, took Alexa's hand, and led her to sit on the stretcher.
"I won't ask you anything until you're ready to open up. Get some rest." Becca said as she picked up a glass of water from the table and handed it to Alexa.
Someone in mourning just needs a hug. There's no need for a barrage of questions about how it happened? Why isn't he here? What caused it? All questions that shouldn't be asked when someone is grieving. Just come, offer condolences, then be silent. It's that simple, but not many of them understand this context yet.
Her eyes closed tightly, Alexa took a breath. "He's gone."
"I… I failed to protect him, Becc." she continued.
Alexa felt that what Sean said was true, she had lost her own unborn child. She was overcome with nothing but deep regret.
She quickly shook her head gently. Becca cupped Alexa's head and held her close. "Nooo."
"They say I'm the one to blame. I'm the one who killed it," she whispered.
Becca closed her eyes tightly. Her lips parted slightly before closing again. There were no words better to hear than silence in a time of grief like this. There was no need to ask why this had happened. Before the question was even asked, they had already been wondering why. The endless "why" questions.
"Didn't Sean come here?"
Alexa shook her head slowly. Her eyes were fixed on the bedroom window facing the garden.
"Damn it." she hissed. Her hand clenched the edge of the bedsheet.
"Besides, what would Sean be doing here? It's all over, isn't it? That child is gone too." Her voice trembled slightly.
"But he's still your husband, Lexaa. It doesn't matter if the kid is here or not. He should be here. It doesn't matter if you got married out of love or not. He should be here. If there's no other reason forcing him to be here, at least do it out of humanity…" Becca explained, her eyes meeting the weary gaze before her.
Becca picked up a piece of fruit from the table. Her hand reached out toward Alexa's beautiful lips. Truly, this time she absolutely would not forgive Sean.
***
Meanwhile, the click-clack of heels grew louder. The door opened, revealing a broad smile on her face as she held a bucket of white lilies in her hands. She stretched out her arms and embraced her daughter. Two burly men then entered, carrying food.
"I made your favorite soup." she said.
"Thank you." In a voice barely audible, tears welled up in her eyes. Alexa felt her life was deeply meaningful because of every action Nathalia took. Even her own mother had never treated her this way. Marrie, the person who just a few months ago had been begging for her forgiveness and trying to get closer to Alexa. Unfortunately, she hasn't been seen since.
Sorry. That was the definition of "sorry" Marrie often uttered. Sorry. But her actions never matched her words. Sorry. But her sincerity never touched the purity left in her heart. Sorry. There was only a blank, emotionless stare. Sorry. It sounded like empty words when spoken from her red lips. Truly, she has never truly found her sincerity. Perhaps that is why, to this day, Alexa finds it very difficult to make even a little room for her mom to return to her life as someone who matters and is the reason for her existence.
Alexa held a hand dangling a spoonful of soup.
She furrowed her brow. "Doesn't it taste good?"
"IT'S SOOOOO GOOD!" she exclaimed enthusiastically.
Nathalia exhales softly. "Then, why?"
"I'm full." Her eyes narrow.
Nathalia nods slowly. The sound of a spoon clinking against the bowl's surface can be heard. Her hand now grips the small, pale hand and strokes it gently.
"You have to stay healthy, okay?" she said sincerely.
"Please, forgive all of Mom's son's actions. Mom has failed to raise Sean properly."
"Mom is the best mother I've ever known. Everything Sean did was indeed my fault, Mom. I understand. He's the best man I've ever known." Alexa wiped away Nathalia's tears.
"B-but." Before she could finish her sentence, her attention shifted to the sound of sobbing breaking out behind her.
Nathalia stood up, then embraced Marrie, guiding her to sit in a chair.
"Lexie. How are you, dear? I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to see you sooner. Alyssa..." Marrie tried to touch Alexa's hand, but Alexa quickly pulled away.
Alexa cleared her throat and turned her face toward the window.
Feeling the atmosphere grow quiet and tense, Nathalia tried to start a conversation.
"It's okay, Marrie. Oh, by the way, how is Alyssa?"
"A-Alyssa is still in critical condition," Marrie replied in a barely audible voice.
Flashback
"Alyssa's condition still shows no signs of improvement."
Bryan's hand moved gently, hoping this might offer some comfort to his wife. Though he was just as devastated, seeing his daughter lying there helpless felt like being cut to pieces alive.
"Please save Alyssa, doctor. I'll do anything."
"Alyssa needs surgery immediately. The impact from yesterday's accident has made her condition worse. We need…"
"Please, doctor, I don't want to hurt Alexa anymore." Marrie cut in quickly.
Her relationship with Alexa was already as distant as the sky and the earth. Marrie couldn't bear the thought of this making Alexa hate her even more.
Soon, their attention was drawn to the open door, revealing the nurse tending to Alyssa, looking deathly pale with beads of sweat on her forehead. Their brows furrowed slightly at the sight of this man.
"The patient's heart has stopped, doc!" she said.
"ALYSSAAA."
***
"Lexie, you've been a mom too. You must understand how Mom is feeling right now."
"ENOUGH!" she shouted.
"All this time, you've just been using my body! I sometimes wonder if you have even the slightest bit of love for me? I've kept all this bottled up for so long. But this time, no more! I'm sick of it. Have you ever thought about my feelings? Even after the perinatal loss, not a single one of you asked if I was okay? How I was feeling?
All this time, I've been all alone! I've never been able to live freely because my body isn't even my own! I used to think how much my parents loved me, so much that you wouldn't even let a single raindrop touch my skin. How naive of me, ugh."
Her eyes closed tightly, a breath forced out. Her small, slightly trembling lips slowly parted. "Until finally I realized, I'm just like a dairy cow. There's no difference. Everything you did wasn't to protect me, nor was it a parent's love for their child. It wasn't because you cared about me! But because you were afraid about Alyssa's safety if anything happened to me! Isn't that right, Marrie?"
Thump!
Her body froze instantly. Her gaze fixed straight ahead, her eyelids slowly drooping and tightening, a single tear escaping from her beautiful eyes. Her hands clenched into fists, clinging to her remaining courage. Her face lifted upward, the corners of her lips slightly turned up. Marrie looked at her little daughter, who had her arms outstretched, welcoming her—only for that welcome to instantly turn into a furious glare from her little girl. She shook her head slowly, her steps feeling heavy. Marrie approached. "Lexie, it's not what you think. I can explain."
Alexa chuckled, she turned her face away, a single tear slipping from her eyelid.
"Get out! Get out of here!" she screamed.
Marrie shook her head slowly, "No, Lexie, Mom begs you."
With a dazed expression, Marrie knelt before Alexa, her hands reaching out to touch Alexa's feet.
"Mom loves you very much, just as much as Mom loves Alyssa. But, Mom is just a mother, Lexie. As a mother, Mom is willing to bleed for her own child. Mom would even gladly take on the pain her child feels. As a mother, Mom realizes she has so many shortcomings. Mom is sorry, Lexie."
The air felt stifling, all that could be heard was a heart wrenching melody.
Amid her sobs, she quickly wiped away her tears. She looked at her child. Their gazes locked for a split second. A look that seemed to say she was the only one who could help her. Only Alexa was the antidote to all her pain right now.
Marrie swallowed hard. "B-but, just this once, please help me. If not for me, do this for Alyssa. You love her so much, don't you?"
She was completely spent, with no strength left. Her hand moved to touch the cold wall of the room, her body slightly hunched and her legs trembling slightly. Marrie turned around, for a moment, her gaze locked with Natalia's. It didn't last long, she walked away, leaving the room.
On the other side, Alexa's gaze lingered on the middle aged woman walking with a limp, who never once looked back at her. Her hands clenched into fists, her breath forced out by the master. Her chest rose and fell, her head filled with her mom's words.
'Alyssa is like this because she saved you.'