Since the first time we met, I couldn't stop thinking about her. Her image often lingered in my imagination until I felt the desire to truly know her. Perhaps Nina's sincerity was finally heard by time itself, bringing us together in real moments. Those moments gave me a happiness I hadn't felt in years.
But should such moments end so quickly, just when I wasn't ready to call them a discovery? A discovery of the very feeling I had been waiting for—the one that could thaw the frozen part of my heart.
"I am a normal human being who can no longer bear the agony of loneliness."
---
"Hey, Gibran, why don't you drop by the shop as often anymore?"
"I've just been busy with college, Pak," I replied.
"Oh, I see. I just thought something was different. You used to be my regular chatting partner," he said with a smile.
"I'll stop by again when I get some free time, Pak," I added, forcing a smile to cover up the bitter expression that really reflected how I felt inside.
"Well then, take care on your way to campus."
"Yes, thank you, Pak."
That brief conversation happened one morning, right in front of his shop, as I was on my way to class. Passing by Kembang Setaman was the only route to campus. From his words, I knew Pak Ato had sensed something odd in my behavior these past weeks. And surely, he also knew the reason behind it.
I, too, felt uneasy with how I'd been acting. The flower shop, once a place where I would always stop and chat, had now become just another building I hurried past. As if I were deliberately avoiding it.
Perhaps that's what Pak Ato hoped for—that my distance from the shop would also lessen my closeness to Nina. The truth is, my choice to step away came from a night of tears in my small rented room, convincing myself that it was the right thing to do.
Because love isn't real if it's only born of fleeting feelings. To fall for a pretty face is easy—but without true love, that fascination fades quickly. Only when we can embrace someone's flaws completely does it become love, the kind that lasts.
"But… can I really accept Nina's flaws as part of who she is?"
This restless man inside me once again wrestled with his own heart. And for now, I decided to just let everything flow as it had before. I couldn't ignore Pak Ato, who had been so kind to me. If I did, I'd only push myself back into solitude.
Perhaps my longing for love was just desperation, born from too many lonely years. Maybe I'd been chasing it too fiercely, losing my rationality. After all, the world is vast—surely there are other women out there for me. Time will lead me to them, eventually.
And yet… Nina still remained a woman I admired—for her beauty, her grace, and her spirit. She was the first to make me feel like I could be someone worth being around. But I knew I couldn't let my feelings run too deep. Our worlds were too different, too fragile to force into one.
Yes, in dreams, I could imagine myself as a hero of love, the man who cherished a blind girl and vowed to stay with her forever. But dreams don't change reality. And reality had to win.
---
One afternoon, I met Nina again in the garden where we often talked.
"Assalamualaikum," I greeted softly.
"Waalaikumsalam… Mas Gibran, is that you?" she answered, her face lighting up as if she'd been waiting a long time for this meeting.
"Where have you been?" she asked playfully, rising to her feet.
"For weeks I kept wondering why you never came by anymore."
"Sorry, sorry… too much college work. But hey, now I'm here to meet the beautiful Miss Nina," I teased, slipping back into my usual playful tone.
"Ah, you're such a flatterer. How have you been? Tell me, do you have any new stories? It's been a while since I heard your voice."
"I'm fine. A new story? Well, I saw two old ladies fighting in a mall yesterday—over a young guy!" I laughed.
"What? Wow, those must be some trendy grandmas! Ha… ha…"
We both burst into laughter, light and carefree. And once again, I felt why I was always drawn to her. With Nina, every conversation was filled with warmth and laughter. Around her, I could laugh freely, letting go of the burdens of everyday life.
To me, a man who rarely left much of an impression on others, it felt extraordinary to bring a smile to her face. That alone was enough to make my existence feel worthwhile.
---
But even amidst the laughter, a thought returned to haunt me: This can only be like siblings. That was how it should stay.
---
Sometime later, Nina asked me something that caught me off guard.
"Mas Gibran… why do you want to be close to someone like me? Someone who's blind?"
I froze. My heart ached at the question. But I forced a smile and answered softly, "Because you're kind, Nina. Because talking with you is always wonderful. That's all. I never cared about what happened to you."
But her expression grew serious. "Nina doesn't want you to be here out of pity. I overheard Papa once… I know what he said to you."
Her voice trembled slightly, as if holding back tears.
"Come on, Nina, don't think like that. Have I ever treated you that way? No, right? To me, you're already like a little sister, a friend, and… well, pretty much everything. Hehe…"
(I threw in a joke on purpose, hoping to ease the stiffness that had crept into our conversation, to melt it back into warmth).
(She had no idea that behind those words, I was still wrestling with myself. Until now, I hadn't won or lost in the battle against my own heart. I was still caught in between—between what I felt and what I was trying to control).
Before I knew it, the sun had dipped low, and it was already late afternoon. We had spent quite a long time together in that garden. Now it was time to leave, and I had to walk Nina back home, just as I had promised Pak Ato.
---
12
That afternoon, when we were only a few steps away from Kembang Setaman, my pace suddenly faltered. What I saw froze me in place.
Not too far ahead, I noticed Pak Ato speaking with a young man. Their conversation looked serious—too serious. Even from this distance, I could see the tension on Pak Ato's face.
They hadn't noticed me watching them.
I don't know why, but something about that moment made me change my mind. I decided not to stop by the flower shop, not to see Nina, not to step into Kembang Setaman at all.
It wasn't just because I didn't want to disturb their serious talk. No… there was something else, something I couldn't explain. A feeling that told me I should just walk away.
And so, I went home.
(Though deep down, a question still lingered in me: What exactly were they talking about?).