By Han A. Odasaku
Standing… I am standing at the edge of the railing looking over to the water a couple hundred feet below me. I look around me again, dozens of cars lie abandoned. I am alone, all alone, I am a ghost floating around at the end of the world.
I think about falling, dying. I wonder for a moment if I were to jump, would it free me from this world of nothing… would there be anything else? I think back to the days before this, while I hover over the edge swinging my feet back and forth.
I had just finished assisting in a surgery when it happened. For some reason unknown to everyone. Something wiped out humans or at least the large majority… First was our communication within hours. Radios, television and even cellphones were shut off, then the power then vehicles these things seemed to know exactly how to destroy us.
It was then I saw people killing each other. The sky filled with a fog that no sunlight could penetrate. Even now I can feel as though something watching from the sky it, isn't doing anything, just staring. There are things that killed us sure but the real killer was humans fighting and killing without care… for a while I tried to justify it as humans being mind controlled but after 7 years of nothing happening to me I can clearly rule that out.
I am a coward even knowing that I'm going to die eventually I can't bring myself to jump. The world is now empty. I find it ironic when I was surrounded by people. I remembered how many times I would wish for even a day without listening to people. I didn't get along nor could I understand them, but now what I would give to hear someone else's voice. I sit here looking out wondering if maybe I am alive for some reason… I do it to maybe give myself some crumb of optimism. There is no point sitting here just brooding about killing myself.
I don't understand why… It's not like we did anything to call upon its wrath. Perhaps it was divine judgement from some unknown god. Theorizing about some unknown concept to fill the boredom I have. It has begun to rain. I made my way towards a grocery store to avoid it and to look for food.
I look through what is left most of the shelves have been cleared or have expired food. I see a banner painted over with the words "Claimed". I ignored it and leaned against the wall listening to the beating of rain. I close my eyes.
"Who are you?" The voice is feminine and on guard.
I open my eyes and am greeted by the face of a woman if I had to guess she is 7 years younger than me.
"I am Doctor Kenzaki." I said happily.
"A Doctor? You look like just some typical raider to me." Her eyes
widened slightly as she spoke in a rather hoarse manner. "Not that I've seen a raider in 6 years." She chuckled slightly as she said that.
"So you haven't seen anyone in 6 years either?"
"Huh? Yeah and I would've preferred to have kept it that way."
I didn't know what exactly to say in response. So I simply nodded.
"So what are you gonna do with me?" I asked nervously.
She stopped and pondered for a bit while humming loudly. She didn't speak for a while while the rain continued outside.
"Maybe I'll just kill you."
"Umm, you're kidding right?"
"I don't know yet." She spoke bluntly, indicating she was clearly debating killing me.
She looked at me carefully as if she had just remembered something still loudly humming, and making grunting sounds every so often.
"Hmmm, I guess you can live for now." She declares loudly before walking off. "Just stick to that side of the store. I better not see you over here."
"Alright, thank you."
I simply relaxed and stretched out my legs. I wondered what was going on in her head but I knew it wasn't nice to pry, especially someone like her. I simply laid down and pulled out my journal from my bag.
Human being is a term used to describe a species however in truth it is probably one of the false things one could call humans. For we all, unlike Wolves or Lions, are completely annexed from one another suspecting each other of deception and wrong doings. It is this that I believe brought about our near extinction. Humanity prided itself on being one of the only creatures on Earth capable of forming societies but what good is that if in them humans do not trust one another. I have found it quite hard to trust other humans since I was young.
Something truly evil was placed upon me at the age of 12. When a maid of my family home took me and had her way with me. I have never spoken or even written of this incident before, for if all human beings were like that woman what difference would it make I am sure that most people would brush it off as simply. The rambling of a confused child.
Humanity has never been under one banner for we by nature splintered off into countries and political parties within these countries and even smaller groups. By nature it seems we can not act together as one in this respect we are even below bacteria in unity. It is our own individuality that makes us who we are but it is also this that makes us unable to trust one another.
Even during my childhood I tried my best to form bonds with other people. This too I found to be quite difficult for by the time I went to school I was already considered an outcast . Others had formed their groups like primitive creatures they separated into tribes.
When I first entered university I was compelled for some unknown reason to become a doctor, perhaps it was for the money but if that were the case one could just as easily decide to become a lawyer. I struggle to justify the reason I became a surgeon. I believe it was to spite my parents. My father had always wanted me to care for his family business which by the time I was going to University was worth a near fortune. My mother wanted me to follow in her father's footsteps and pursue a degree in Aerospace Engineering. I had no interest in either and was rather unhappy of being forced to do either so I decided to pursue becoming a doctor.
After university I realized that I would spend a rather long time in the rooms of patients, especially those who would remain empty for days at a time. It was all to look better to my superiors. However now that I think back to it those who would never do these things often would get their promotions far before me.
The sound of footsteps approaching makes me look up. The rain is still pouring outside. The woman is approaching me. She walks confidently as if she is imitating the way my father used to walk.
"Got any food to share?"
"Umm I might have a can of chilli in here let me check."
In all honesty I would've preferred to keep the chilli for myself but she looked as if she hadn't eaten in a couple days.
"Truce?" I handed her the can.
"Sure, I guess." She quickly ran off with my chilli like some sort of barbarian.
I listened to the rain for a moment and looked around the store above a particularly destroyed area of the store. I spotted a banner with the word book sale written over it. I quickly jumped from my spot not caring if the woman came over and struck me with the can, killing me instantly. I made it inside and found that despite the large amount of dust the books inside seemed untouched.
"I guess people weren't thinking about literature during the apocalypse."
I chuckled as I spoke to myself.
I remembered how much joy I found in reading. It was my way of escaping the harsh reality. Perhaps it's what preserved a bit of my innocence despite that great evil. I looked through the library. Inside was nothing particularly interesting, simple books that were popular at the time. A couple that I had read and some I had only heard about.
"You like this shit I just use it as crap to burn."
"Yeah I like to read." I grabbed a book off a shelf and turned it back and forth.
"Idiot… anyway it seems the clouds won't let up for sometime." she spoke rather quickly.
"You don't have any food, do you?"
"Yeah… that chilli was the first thing I've had in 4 days."
"Well depending how this storm ends up we might need to go and look someplace else for food."
"You can go ahead." She turned her head away.
"Do you not plan to eat?" I asked.
"If no food comes, that means it's my time to die. Simple as that."
I made my way towards my bag and pulled out what rations I had remaining enough to last two people about a month in a half.
"Listen, I'm willing to share but you have to offer something in return." I offered.
"Like what?"
"Help me find more. This won't be enough to last us the whole year especially with Winter around the corner."
She paused for a moment as if weighing two options.
"Fine deal." she sighed.
I nodded and placed the food on top of a shelf and placed her half onto another. I sat back down and began to write again.
To be human If you believe the words of Christianity we meant to be kind to one another and help each other, but it seems rather that even those who are members of this religion rarely follow these teachings. I remember my father's family would often celebrate Christmas, and pray but in reality I believe my father was one of the most cruel and unkind people I've met.
He could rarely be called kind even if I were to use this word liberally. When asking my brother what he wanted to do my brother responded he wished to become a firefighter. He mocked him, declaring him an idiot, a fool for joining a career which made so little money with such high risks. My brother argued that the pay wasn't what mattered to him rather he wished to help others.
I digress in that regard. I believe that most people lie to appear better in the eyes of others. It's the same way some people flaunt expensive items to appear higher class to other people of the same class. It is a lie for the ego. Humanity is controlled by this ego so immensely that I at once saw two people clearly infatuated with one another never confess their feelings as they were waiting for the other to confess first. Ego or the pride of humans holds us back so greatly that some people can't even say thank you when given something from the kindness of another. I myself can't say I've experienced or participated in this kindness for I preferred to keep myself isolated from these two factions of people.
I wished for a moment where I could regain my trust in humanity… to reignite my passion for my fellow man. However it never came, for everyone, including my family, was controlled and ruined so greatly by Ego. I too have been consumed by it at times.
I rubbed my eyes and as I rested my head against my bag I fell asleep. The darkness consumed me, the dream, a thick illusory fog. I stood inside it, my conscious the figure that laid inside the mist before me. It spoke in unintelligible whispers.
This figure stood behind the fog larger than my mind could perceive. Perhaps it was an infinite construct beyond my mind's capability. It continued to speak. Its voice was incoherent and muddy. I covered my ears, its voice however penetrated my best efforts to block the noise.
It made creaking sounds as it moved its hand. Its hand was the size of 3 skyscrapers stacked on top of each other. It soon began to close its hand.
I was frozen in fear as the hand closed around me, consuming me in darkness. My eyes open and I breathe heavily.
"What the hell was that?" I look around. I am still inside the grocery store.
The woman is pacing around and looking through boxes in search of something to do if I had to guess.
"Hey, Doc." The woman approached me.
"Yes?" I answer immediately.
"Where are we gonna search for this food?"
"There's a warehouse on the East side we can look there." I suggest without any real conviction to my suggestion.
"That place is crawling with those things." She said nervously.
"As long as we are careful it won't matter." I say reassuringly.
We are quiet as we look around the store for any makeshift tools.
"Tell me Doctor… Did you see it?"
"See what?"
"That thing… beyond the fog."
"Yes I did…" we didn't talk again for 10 minutes as we collected our thoughts. "Do you know what it is?"
"No" she stopped talking after that.
I went back to my journal and continued to write.
The creature, its large Incomprehensible form… hides behind the fog… or perhaps maybe the fog is protecting us from his appearance.
It feels silly… to think that there's something on our side in this world. I think back to the days when left and right people died. Every day I told myself "Tomorrow will be a good day" a stupid thing considering but for the first few years it's what kept me going. I think that anyone who has even been truly alone would understand this pain I am feeling, the sensation of emptiness. I lack both purpose and conviction. In the beginning I would go around helping those I could
The first that comes to mind is a particularly depressing one that haunts my memories even greater than my childhood. It was during the first couple months of "The End" which I began to call this. There was a boy no older than 7 who had lost his mother and father to a group of people raiding people's homes. He had developed a rather severe case of pneumonia; it seemed his parents hadn't been able to afford antibiotics to treat him. Ironically in this circumstance you could say that it was the best time for something like this to happen. What kind of people would think to steal antibiotics. I don't know the reason but there was a deep compulsion for me to help the child. I made my way to a pharmacy close by, as I had suspected food and other more essential items had been taken but simple medicines like cough syrup and Antibiotics were left. I was relieved more than relieved, inside I was filled with a feeling of incomparable joy. I quickly grabbed all the medicine I could fill my bag with, I was gone for no longer than 20 minutes.
Lucifer, the first sinner may have fallen from heaven being separated from the light of God, but the worst sinners often are humans, people like me. By the time I got back the boy was dead shot in the head the little bit of food I left with him had been taken and I was left feeling a greater pit opening in my heart. Humanity seemed incomparably more evil than the monsters that hunted us. I wonder if there was something I could've done better, should I have brought him along with me exposing him to the outside?
Humanity carries sins of all kinds Lust, Greed, Wrath and some of us carry it as if it is something to be proud of. I suppose those people I find the most sickening are those who kill without needing to. Tell me what would that boy have done to those raiders? Nothing… Yet he was killed anyway; it seems ridiculous to suspect anything other than true evil.
"The Doctor says that he'll be able to help me feel better. I'm happy, maybe someday I'll see mama and Papa and show them how healthy I am. I can't wait to thank him for his kindness." The messy hand
I am left with nothing but pain deep inside my heart. The sickening feeling that serves as a reminder of my life of failure. I can't quite understand humanity or anything else. I'm left without anything else to do as I sit here, the woman is not far away, soon… we will go and look for more food. The rain doesn't seem to be letting up. We'll have to avoid getting wet as much as possible. pneumonia along with countless other diseases seem to have become more common after the fog arrived.
I closed my journal. I look up and see the woman running around with a makeshift club hitting a shelf like an animal.
"What are you doing?" In no particularly loud way.
"Preparing." She quickly said paying me no real attention as she continued.
It led me to suspect that something truly awful must've occurred to force this woman to revert back to such a primitive state. I rhythmically tapped the back of my head against the wall.
"If I may, do you have any religious beliefs?"
"Not now, but at some point I did." Her voice is indifferent, as she continues to bang on the shelf. "Why?"
"I was curious, it seems like maybe the reason all this happened was because of divine judgement. To punish humanity for being so evil."
"Divine Judgement? You really think any kinda god cares what ants are doing. Something like this wouldn't have happened just because humans are a little evil."
"Well it's not unheard of, suppose the Ice Age happened due to god deciding to wipe out the dinosaurs. Maybe this is similar." I stand up, my leg feeling numb.
"Well, do you think God's only purpose is to judge?" She asked me.
I paused, unable to decide what his purpose would be. Could I decide? I was merely human. If there is a god, would he need a purpose?
We silently decided to end the conversation as we continued to get ready for the following day. I then wonder to myself about the afterlife and the purpose of the life we are given.
I don't know what I was expecting. I must say that the idea of arguing God's Purpose seems absurd. For how could a man decide the purpose for an incomprehensible being such as God or Gods. However humanity has been doing so to fit their ideologies for millennia. I wonder If this too was an aspect of human evil being too proud to admit that there is no reason for their actions but in wanting to justify it they began to say that it was the doctrine of their God.
Even as I write this however I see my own stupidity in this statement. Not all religion is bad just as all philosophy is not bad, however it is my conclusion that human beings are indeed twisting these ideas to fit an agenda to further their evil ideas.
I wonder if maybe there is something that I could've done in my small way to counteract this evil. Perhaps if I had become a politician I would have argued against these ideas but one man versus 6.6 billion people would be a fruitless effort, a truly Sisyphean task. I would've joined the rest of the masses of hypocrites. I now am the masses in this 7 year long journey alone. Now however for a reason I do not know why I have decided to help someone… I am a hypocrite It would appear that I am a living walking contradiction to my own belief.
Suddenly the sound of something shattering on the floor causes me to look up. The woman is struggling to catch some kind of bird. Its wings spread out widely as it tried to make it away from her. She was shouting all sorts of vulgar things at it.
"Do you need help?"
"No I fucking don't." She continued to jump up and down trying to grab her bird who was flying just barely out of her reach.
Despite her reluctance she moved aside. The bird's eyes seemed to lock onto me. The color was a deep blue. We stared at each other for a minute or two, the flapping of the wings rhythmic more like a melody than the random flapping of wings. Hypnotic would be a more accurate description of the sound. After about 2 minutes he moves towards me and rests on my shoulder.
"Stupid bird." She mumbled.
The bird then began to peck the side of my head. The Woman grabs the bird and places him inside of a cage.
"That's that." She sighed.
"What fell?"
"Just a picture." She looks away as if annoyed by my questioning.
"Oh, alright." I decided not to pry. " Tomorrow we should get up early, it would be bad if we got caught running around in the night."
"Alright." She was short but it was clear she was listening and deep in thought.
I moved back to my side of the store and began to go through my bag. I wondered if the woman had a special attachment to the bird, but I decided against prying. It wasn't as if the two of us who barely met were close enough to make requests to her of something so personal.
I seem to be writing here more now that I have someone to talk to. Ironically, now that there is someone to talk to, I can't bear myself to actually speak. I am unable to speak but inside I am filled with a joy that I am not the only one remaining. It feels as though I am being lifted out of the depression that was loneliness. I can't tell whether or not this is simply a temporary effect after being alone for so long. I think that maybe there is something strange with the world now, now that it is empty aside from the creatures.
Now the world is not nearly as evil, the only evil left is me, and the woman. I wonder if this world is perhaps trying to start anew. I have often theorized as I had written that maybe this is divine judgement from whatever god but such an idea is blasphemy to countless religions. I had wondered during my time as a doctor whether or not my life had true meaning. For countless nights I would consider the idea of dying. When I was younger as I said after I was taken advantage of by that maid I ran to that same bridge I had been at earlier and debated the idea of flinging over the railing to relieve myself of the shame that woman had brought me. I however was unable to do so I simply cried for what felt like hours.
The idea of death was far more ideal than the thought to continue living but then humanity would have won. So I decided to continue living in this world that I was unable to trust. I went through high school only talking with a couple people. I then spent my days in university as an outcast. In the hospital I worked at I believe I was quite popular amongst patients. I heard once, an older gentleman talking with one of the nurses about how happy he was with his experience with me saying that I must be one of the kindest doctors he had ever met. This thought, though… about being a kind Doctor baffled me greatly. Me… Kind… it wasn't possible for it would contradict my very idea of humanity then it came to me… perhaps that was it I was not a human rather I was separate from all other people. I was a "kind" creature, someone that was completely separate from others. Maybe that is the reason that at this moment caused me great distress.
Now that I think carefully I can't remember the faces of many humans that I've met aside from my mother and father from before I was 10. I think that after that sin I was too ashamed of myself to see humans. Even now I can't look at the woman even as the sole person in the world I can not look at her face I couldn't even describe her hair in any significant manner. It seemed as if it naturally blurs.
I look up to see the woman she is looking at me. I can tell that much but her face is indescribable. Perhaps she had come looking to steal more of my food.
"Yes?" I asked.
"What are you writing?" She asked as though suddenly curious.
"Nothing interesting." I smiled.
There was a deathly silence which filled the room. I simply sat there for a moment. She turned around and grabbed her club.
"Let's go look for food. Who cares if it gets late." She seemed in a great rush.
"But those things are more active at night if we get caught there's little chance we'll be able to make it back." She looked back at me.
"Who cares there are only two of us left, it's not like there is much to live for." She sighed. "Why are you so worried about living?"
"I don't know…" I thought about it for a bit.
Why did I care about living? I have wanted to die for decades yet now that in the time that it wouldn't be shocking for my own death I am scared and worried. I decided not to answer. I simply sighed.
"Fine let's go."
She laughed and ran to go grab her bird who was quietly inside of his cage, his eyes seemingly focused on me. It seemed as though it was focused completely on me. We exited the grocery store, the rain still pouring outside. The woman took out an umbrella and held it over herself and the bird. I looked up to the fog-covered sky. The creature came back to me; its incomprehensible size seemed to be outlined now in the sky. We made our way to the East side. The faint sunlight that made its way through the fog lit our way was already beginning to fade. After a couple hours we made it just outside of the warehouse.
The sound of a thick crackling filled the silence between me and the woman. The thick smell of rotting filled my nose. It was disgusting. It was as if a fish was left to rot in the sun. I held my breath knowing what it meant. The thing was long with large muscular legs, its head was smooth, the place where its eyes were located was impossible to figure out.
Its torso was muscular with large scales covering its body. The audible clicking sounds broke whatever silence had been there; each heavy step caused a short burst of clicking.
A small meow came from afar. On top of a small branch sat a small kitten no older than a couple months. It was crying. Its loud piercing yell caused the thing to look up at it.
The clicking grew quieter as it stepped towards the small tree where the cat was. It left us a way to enter the warehouse without being spotted. The Woman grabbed my shirt signaling me to continue moving.
I however, even in the dimming light couldn't take my eyes off the small cat's deep amber eyes, they seemed to call out to me. Perhaps it was begging but I of course didn't know that because I haven't the ability to speak to cats.
I simply choked, the continued tugging of the woman seemed meaningless. A crossroad, was a cat worth more than me? Two branching paths however inside I knew that it wasn't even that it was if there was a large barrier inside me blocking me from ignoring the cat. I am by no means athletic but I'm not overweight or too skinny either. My feet sprung forward towards the tree; it seemed as though my heart sung out to the cat as it leapt from the tree landing in my arms.
I looked back towards the woman who was already sprinting towards the front door. She pulled the large metal door open and rushed in.
"Hurry idiot, it's right behind you."
I cradled the cat as though I were a parent holding their newborn. I narrowly made it inside as the sound of crackling was right behind me. The sound of the large metal door closing and the thing clawing at the thick metal echoed in the large warehouse.
"We're just lucky that it was just an infant." she was clearly out of breath.
As the adrenaline passed I began to feel a burning heat running across my back.
"Do you mind checking my back?" I take off my filthy blue suit jacket and lift the back of my white button up. She grabbed a battery powered lantern.
"Shit."
"What is it?"
"Looks like that thing cut you bad." She sounded almost disgusted.
"Do you think you can help me clean the wound?" I ask. "My medical supplies are in my bag."
"Alright." She put down her bird cage and began to dig through my bag. She took out my medical supplies and placed them on the concrete floor.
The sound of the creature had already stopped as I looked at the cat that rested in my arms. I placed it down in my suit jacket and rested against one of the large shelves.
"Are you ready?" She brought my supplies. "Hurry up and turn around."
"Yes…" I turn around the burning in my back making it hard to move.
I instruct her on the steps to cleaning my wound. She follows it with decent accuracy. She then picks up her bird and begins to explore the warehouse. The inside was dark. I dug through my bag and turned on a flashlight.
I looked through the building and most of the boxes were empty, no real surprise 7 years after the end of the world. Suddenly, the cat began to cry. It echoed around in the barely lit warehouse.
I rushed to it and picked it up, its small body able to be held in one hand. I cradled it in one hand and sat on the floor. I looked through my bag and couldn't find it.
It was missing, perhaps it had fallen out when the thing had scratched me but there were no cuts on the bag itself. I searched around the immediate area but it was nowhere to be found. I stood up and began to look for the woman.
"Hello…"
No response came. It was as if I was alone again. It was far from a new experience but now even after just a few hours with someone whom I had just met I suddenly felt so alone.
It reminded me of when I was smaller after the maid did unspeakable things to me. The cat looked up at me… I looked down at it, their eyes as if it was a fire that burned into me. My journal fell to the ground coming from above me.
"Sorry…" A simple word came from the woman as she spoke and continued to look around the warehouse.
I picked it up from the floor and continued to walk around. I thought about the world. I wonder if maybe I should've died. There were dozens of close calls but somehow I survived. I sat down and leaned against the shelf lightly tapping my head against the shelf.
"I am a hypocrite aren't I?" I asked the cat who stared at me blankly. "You must be hungry huh?"
I looked around the boxes and found a can of cat food. I grabbed a small pocket knife from my bag and opened it. I placed it down in front of the cat and allowed him to eat.
"I wonder if anything happened to me if you would be ok?" I asked as I lightly pet the back of his head.
It continued to eat as I did. I stopped and opened the journal several pages had been vandalized by a much more elegant handwriting.
Listen… I am sorry, but I couldn't tell this to anyone… I haven't told anyone. Thank you… You really are kind. In all honesty I was going to kill myself today… After 4 years of thinking I was the last person I gave up trying to continue living. The idea that I was alone was sickening.
I realized that we had met before… When my grandfather was sick you stayed with him. I heard from one of the nurses that one time you didn't leave his side for three straight days because no one had visited him in two days. It made me wonder the kind of man you were. Perhaps you were some kind of saint sent down by heaven to oppose modern society. I suppose I am now rambling… What I wanted to say was for years I wondered how someone could become so kind as to spend so much of their time just to comfort another person… I wondered if we had met each other , if maybe we could've been friends.
If maybe you would've been able to save me from experiencing such awful things just as you helped my grandfather from living through the terrible loneliness he must've been feeling. When I was 19 I got into one of the most prestigious universities in the country. My parents were overjoyed at the news. However I met a man whom I believed to be kind and honest. His smile seemed to shine. The two of us at least I believe loved each other. After six months I began to notice his change in character, perhaps a mask he wore to seduce me. At my university I didn't have any friends or even acquaintances so I was alone… only me and him.
My parents had always wanted me to become a doctor so it seems almost funny that the man I found myself idolizing was someone who was walking the path I refused. I told my parents that I would but I lied pursuing a degree in film. I for so many years had the unbelievable passion to create films to bring people a smile or bring them to tears through my work.
To have some purpose and know that people would remember me… after the first 2 semesters my parents found out and I had hoped that they would allow me to continue living out my dreams but after a long call with them they decided that they never wanted to see me again… I suppose growing up in a family as strict as they were, it was bound to happen. So then the only one I could turn to was my boyfriend who by this point I was living with. I felt reliant on him as if though, without him I would sink and fall to the bottom of the ocean.
It was shortly after this that my grandfather was hospitalized. I would visit when I could from what I heard from him, the couple of chances I got to speak with him. It seemed that the rest of my family had decided to leave him there even till the very end no one in my family visited him besides me. I suppose they deemed him a waste of time and that visiting him would change nothing of his condition the same as they had done with my grandmother.
I suppose that the only one who actually kept him from going mad was you Doctor Kenzaki. The day before he died, the last time I saw him alive he was enthusiastically
telling me about the countless subjects he spoke to you about. He said meeting you was one of the few moments that brought him joy after grandma had died.
"That doctor truly is an amazing man… Despite his immeasurable grief."
After his death and hearing how he spoke about you I could feel nothing but sorrow. I too had abandoned him and left him alone. The only one who had stayed by his side till the end of his life was you.
After that day I felt a desire to become a better person, I tried to apply myself to my school work and my passion. I wonder if I was really just trying to ignore the fact that I was grieving.
When the will of my grandfather was discovered his most valuable possessions were left to me including his parrot who by the time he began living with me was now at least seven years old. That is why this stupid bird means so much to me, I suppose I find it to be the last thing I can do, a way to apologize to him.
A few months after I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me. I had suspected it for some time. The day I confronted him, he beat me. The next thing that I remembered was waking up in the hospital. I was told that you had been the doctor who was watching over me before being reassigned to someone else.
I looked to religion for an answer but it was as if I had simply left a voicemail to a phone which hadn't been checked in several years.
I tried to get better… I wanted to change so I hid behind a shell that I hoped would be thick enough no person would be able to see inside. I am alone after all these years. I've finally said it. I can finally go. I wonder if you'll join me soon.
Thank you, for helping me free myself from my own life.
Her writing ends there. I know she is still inside the warehouse. I wander around looking for her when I find her lying on the floor with her throat slit open and her eyes looking up at the ceiling. I hear the flapping of the bird's wings in the air. The meowing of the cat echoing in the building. In reality I can't hear any of it, it feels like everything has gone out. I am there kneeling my eyes wide open for what feels like an eternity.
"D-Damn it, Damn it… Why It was one person… I couldn't even save one god damn person… I barely even knew her then why… why does it hurt so damn much… It's not like I haven't seen someone die before. I've seen countless more than I can count… Perhaps it's because this is my fault… Just another failure to pile on top of the life of an idiot. Even after all these years I'm the same… the same as that child that was so scared he wasn't even able to tell the truth." My throat is hoarse and the cat comes to rest by my side.
"I'm an evil person, I fail and fail not just myself… but so many people and so many promises… I have lived a life more shameful than any other, a life that has continued despite my claims to want to end it. Why? Because I'm a coward… I'm too much of a coward to kill myself."
"I'M A GODDAMN HYPOCRITE AN IDIOT AN IDIOT AN IDIOT AN IDIOT. A FAILURE OF A MAN WORST THAN A FAILURE IT WOULD BE A SIN TO CALL ME A MAN FOR TO CALL ME HUMAN WOULD BE AN INSULT TO GOD HIMSELF." I yelled the words of my declaration filled the empty warehouse as it seemed the cat and bird were saying something in their own unknown language.
The earth began to quake and it shook more terribly than any earthquake. I blacked out. Two unfamiliar voices spoke
"Thank you…" This one, mature and refined.
"Thank you…" This one, more youthful, almost like a child.
Three more voices spoke, these three. I recognized they were strangely familiar.
"Thank you… and I'm Sorry" This voice is mature and weak, a voice I had heard for countless hours.
"Thank you… and I'm Sorry." This one sounded maternal and feminine.
"Thank you… and I'm Sorry Son…" This voice's final word rang in my ears for a moment.
Around me is dark and filled and I am reminded once more of being alone… this time truly alone. The voices have faded… The world itself is gone. I am left only with my failure. I am crying as a child does my knees against my chest held tightly there. I am alone… I am there for what feels like forever crying to an audience of nothingness.
"I love you…" A voice speaks. I feel their warmth as they hug me and everything ends all at once.