CHAPTER 6: THE KRIPKE CONUNDRUM
The apartment was in a state of controlled chaos. The Dungeons & Dragons game was in full swing. Leonard, as the dungeon master, was trying to describe a terrifying dungeon. Raj, as a rogue, was trying to sneak past a sleeping guard. Howard, a warrior, was shouting commands. Sheldon, a wizard, was sitting silently, a strange, focused look on his face. They were all on a group voice chat. Aron was listening in from his apartment, bored and a little lonely. He was just a silent listener, hearing their every word.
[SYSTEM: HUMOR SUB-ROUTINE: ACTIVATED. PRANK SUB-ROUTINE: "KRIPKE-FY" ACTIVATED. RATIONALE: AMUSEMENT METRIC LOW. SUGGESTED TARGET: SHELDON COOPER. RATIONALE: HIGH POTENTIAL FOR DISCOMFORT AND COMEDY.]
Aron's eyes lit up. The "Kripke-fy" feature was a new one. It was a simple piece of code that could subtly alter a voice chat to add a speech impediment, specifically the one Barry Kripke had. Kripke was Sheldon's arch-nemesis, a physicist from a different department who had a habit of mocking Sheldon's work.
Aron waited for the perfect moment. Sheldon, in a dramatic tone, spoke. "My character, the wizard, will cast a spell of transmogrification upon the goblin king."
Aron's fingers flew across his keyboard, a mischievous grin on his face.
"My chawacter, the wizawd, will cwasht a spwell of twansmowgification upon the goblin king!"
The group fell silent. Then, a wave of laughter.
Howard: "Did you just... talk like Kripke, Sheldon?" Raj: "He did! He said 'cwash'!" Leonard: "Sheldon, did you just do an impression of Barry Kripke?"
Sheldon, on the other end of the line, was utterly mortified. "I did no such thing! I have a flawless command of the English language. This is a technical malfunction!" His voice was an octave higher, and the speech impediment was even more pronounced. "The wesht of my pwopah pwronunciation is now... fwawed!"
The laughter erupted. Howard and Raj were practically on the floor.
Sheldon, in a furious voice, said, "I demand that this server be investigated immediately! This is an unethical hacking of my phonetic integrity!"
Leonard, still laughing, said, "Sheldon, relax. It was just a weird glitch."
Aron, pretending to be surprised, walked into their apartment. "Hey guys, I just heard the weirdest thing. Was that Sheldon?" He looked at Sheldon's furious face. "Dude, are you practicing your Kripke impression?"
Sheldon sputtered with indignation. "I would never! That man is a disgrace to the world of science! He is a logical and emotional dead end!"
Aron, playing the concerned friend, held up his hands. "Okay, okay. I get it. But maybe it's not a server issue. Maybe it's a microphone problem. Let me take a look."
Sheldon pulled his phone back. "I will not have you touching my phone! I have a logical suspicion that this is not a hardware issue, but a network issue! And I will find the source!"
He's not a fool, Aron thought, a smug smile on his face. He's a logical engine, and a logical engine will always find a source for a problem. He just won't find the right one.
He went back to his apartment, the laughter of his friends still echoing in his ears. He sat at his desk and pulled up his work account. He used the Vulnerability Scanner to find a real, small bug in Caltech's network, just enough to be a plausible alibi for his "investigation." He sent a quick email to his boss about it.
It was a perfect plan. He had created a fake problem, "solved" it, and created a legitimate reason for his technical know-how. He was a silent puppet master, and the machine was his stage.
As the night ended, Aron heard Sheldon's voice from his apartment, a low, furious mutter. "This is statistically improbable. The 'moistly adequate' email and the phonetic malfunction are too similar to be a coincidence. There is a third-party variable at play. And I will find it. I am not resting until I have solved the Conundrum of the Two Simultaneous Glitches."
Aron's phone pinged with a new message.
[SYSTEM: PRANK SUB-ROUTINE: "KRIPKE-FY" COMPLETE. AMUSEMENT METRIC: 90%. NEXT PRANK SUB-ROUTINE: LOCKING. NOTE: SHELDON'S SUSPICION HAS REACHED A CRITICAL POINT. RECOMMENDATION: BE MINDFUL OF HIS INTELLECTUAL PROWESS.]
Intellectual prowess. Yeah, right, Aron thought, a smirk on his face. We'll see about that.
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