-Hey~ Do you want to sit at a separate table to get to know each other?
I was so impressed by his physique that I let him. He led me like a little dog on a leash to the terrace where he gave me my half-eaten crepe, which he had gone to get from the table at the same time as his own, much to Rui Han's confusion.
-Meiling told me about you earlier.
-...sorry...
-Sorry? You know how hard it is to find someone in my situation. Meiling is an angel to introduce you to me
I was so embarrassed. How long had it been since I'd encountered this problem? Because I was right next to him, but not a word came out of my mouth. I knew Rui; Meiling would speak for me and ask me questions, but now... I hadn't had any other human interaction, so I'd forgotten how to react without causing awkward silences.
-I'm not very talkative...I'm not very funny either...
He didn't seem to care much about what I'd just said since he had no reaction. I looked up at his face, scared, but he was smiling like you would at a kindergartener.
Without realizing it, my hand went to my chest where I scratched myself. It was like being released after holding it in for so long, but I quickly stopped when I felt the pain.
-My name is Chen Bai. Bai is my given name.
-...Chen, I'm Shang Feng Yu....but...
His name suddenly seemed more normal now that he'd broken it down. Meanwhile, I was still so tense that I was speaking in a stutter.
-Chen...? Call me Chenbai like everyone else~
-Oh...
I felt so embarrassed. I didn't think I could seem so lame around someone I didn't know. Maybe he was too perfect for someone like me?
I'd been avoiding his gaze for a while now...
-Did you scratch yourself?
-H-Huh...?
He pointed to my nose where I had a scratch. Without realizing it... Ah... I must have cut myself scratching my nose because of the pollen.
-Is that a scratch? You should be more careful. Let me see
I said nothing when he grabbed my cheek with his hand to turn my head toward him, nor did I say anything when I felt his breath on my skin. His eyes had naturally rolled to the ground, across the street. I preferred to remain in denial rather than look him in the eyes because I knew I must look too pathetic in those moments of vulnerability.
Despite that, the fact that he remained silent piqued my curiosity. Was it such a nasty scratch...?
-Chen...bai...is it that bad?
I felt so drawn to his face when I looked into his eyes for the first time, as if we had just met. That was the case because I only knew him by sight...but in that moment I truly read in his eyes what kind of person he was.
-You are...
"You are beautiful."
He didn't say it because he was embarrassed, but those words echoed so loudly in my head, their sound deafening me for a moment, leaving me with a childlike thought: I want to be found handsome again, so tell me I'm magnificent.
-It'll heal quickly, don't scratch it too much.
-It'll heal quickly...? Really?
He nodded insistently to convince me. His beautiful almond-shaped brown eyes almost convinced me that I could move on soon.
Forgetting Muyang might be the solution...making peace with myself, my past, and him first.
Since I can't talk to him, I could stay with those who love me...take my time, and come back to see him when I'm ready...
After that long afternoon, I went home, my heart heavy even though I couldn't cry because I still had the rest of the house to cross.
Once in my room, I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror...I didn't have any scratches on my nose. Ah...
Usually, my sadness didn't come out in tears but in the urge to scratch.
Today I felt different, I felt terribly sad for having thought about saying goodbye to my past and yet I didn't want to hurt myself, my throat was tight but I wasn't suffocating, my eyes were moist and soon turned into a multitude of salty droplets rather than a bloody tide pouring from my heart.
-My god, you've been crying?
-No. It's my pollen allergy...
-I told you to wear your mask.
During the meal, Jianyu just kept staring at me, bothered by my attitude which made him feel bad
When dinner was over and I went back upstairs to put my things away in my room, he would quietly come up the stairs and check that I wasn't busy before talking to me. I could see the top of his head peeking out from under the stairwell, but I pretended not to notice because I still wasn't entirely comfortable with him; I felt like he was... too perceptive for me.
He was very kind, understanding, and gentle, but not as much as my real father was...
It was as if Mom had chosen a bad imitation of her ex-husband, and that bothered me a lot.
-I wanted to suggest something to you during the holidays.
I turned to him as he took his phone out of his pocket to look something up.
A little while later, I received a message on my phone from him.
It was a link to a travel agency.
-Your mother and I are going to Paris for the summer holidays. Since you'll be all alone here, I thought you could treat yourself to a trip with your friends. It would allow you to reconnect
I kept my eyes down on my screen while he spoke to me; I didn't particularly want him to see any tenderness in me at that moment.
-It's a six-bedroom house, so you have plenty of space even if you want to go alone...
-Thanks. That's nice...
He smiled before disappearing down the stairs, leaving me in front of my phone looking at pictures of the rental.
What was I supposed to think of that? I only had Rui to invite...ah, maybe not...
I woke up after a rough night, Léa's hair standing on end and her glasses askew because I'd looked at my phone as I fell asleep. Zero battery, I'd charged it in a hurry just in case I needed it during the day.
My mother came upstairs while I was getting ready to check if I was up and laid a uniform on the bed:
-You have 15 minutes before you leave!
I got dressed and ate as fast as I could
The uniform was the right length...but the tailor had made it too wide, so I was swimming in it. I should mention that I hadn't wanted to undress my upper body so he could take accurate measurements.
When I went out into the street, I sneezed, so I went back inside to get some medicine and a mask.
There were a lot of students, a really lot of students, which suited me because I didn't need to hide; I went completely unnoticed.
Rui was texting me while he waited for me at the entrance, all excited, and all I could do was reply, my hands shaking.
-Feng! Are you okay?
-So-so...
I took off my mask as we were about to go inside, and he saw the dark circles under my eyes. I didn't even need to tell him for him to understand everything and sigh.
-Poor dear, I'll take good care of you in class.
-Take care of Meiling first.
-Ugh, don't be mad about it
I spent most of the morning talking with the teacher so he could check if I had the basics down. He must have thought I'd been out of school all year, when in fact I'd worked my fingers to the bone the whole year. The level here was lower, so I didn't even need to revise; I already knew all the answers to his aptitude test.
-Are you still bad at math...?
I nodded to Rui, who had switched places with the boy behind me.
He started laughing silently. I seemed to have improved a lot, but that wasn't the case everywhere...
Okay, I was better than before, but it was still my Achilles' heel. Besides, I hadn't seen...
I was only there for a few seconds, why bother with all this? I was just on my phone during the break because Rui was talking to his friends, the same ones I'd seen at the arcade the first time I saw him again.
I was used to being alone during class...in that cold, gray, and damp city where I lived, everyone just worked during breaks and seemed to look at me like a monster because I preferred playing games to working. I ended up conforming to the rest of the class, working myself to the bone without purpose just to look good, without knowing I would pay for it later.
Maybe if I'd kept playing my games, I wouldn't have changed so much, maybe Muyang would have recognized me and loved me again.
Now that I was back in my city and saw them all chatting, bickering, and playing instead of studying, I could finally relax and breathe. Well, that's what I was trying to do until Rui Han tapped me on the shoulder
-Feng, can I borrow an eraser? That idiot drew all sorts of nonsense on my exercise sheet.
-Here.
I turned around at my desk, but a few minutes later, an eraser hit me behind the head. It landed there at high speed, and it really hurt.
-Oh man, sorry Feng. It wasn't me, it was him.
-Hey! No way...I meant to throw it.
-That's what I was saying, it was you.
I picked up the old piece of eraser from the floor and waited for him to come and get it from my hand, which he did, apologizing like someone would, trembling with fear, before a torturer.
-I'm not going to eat you just because you threw an eraser at me.
-Huh? Does that mean you could eat me for another reason?
I smiled, showing my teeth, which seemed to really scare Feng Yu's friends.
I wasn't used to smiling, probably my smile was ugly...and since I already had small eyes, when I smiled hard, they closed and I couldn't see anything.
I turned away, unconsciously scratching my chest because I was a little embarrassed that I'd scared him off like that when I was trying to be nice.
Rui came to find me at the end of the day, even though I'd spent every hour without saying a word, still surrounded by his group of friends.
-Shall we go home together? The two of us.
I stared at him innocently because he looked worried and frowned.
-Yeah. Who else do you want me to go home with?
-You look like you'd go home alone even if I offered, Feng.
I sighed as I packed my things, feigning indifference even though I knew perfectly well what he meant. If he was worried about me, it was for a good reason; it's not normal to provoke that reaction in someone unless you're feeling...uncomfortable. If I had to describe my day with these warm people, hoping for an immediate cure, I'd be disappointed by the degree of isolation I felt despite being part of a group. I felt alone despite the boys patting me on the back, laughing, and sharing their personal anecdotes to make me feel even closer to them.
I hadn't smiled naturally all day; worse than that, I'd spent the whole day with my eyes on the floor, my face closed off, and I'd been scratching myself...
He came into my house despite my stepfather being in his office and sat on the edge of my bed to talk.
-Give me that smile you gave him earlier.
-...ah...you saw him?
-Who wouldn't have seen him?
I put on that fake smile again, the skin around my nose and eyes crinkling. He took my face in his hands and forced me to keep smiling horribly under the threat of leaving if I didn't. He moved closer, I could feel his breath against mine.
-Hey...Feng Yu...when you smile like that...it feels like time stopped the day you broke up with me...
I saw him staring at my lips when I finally let go of my face. His eyes were full of tears, his complexion pale, and he gripped the back of my neck with his fingertips like a mother cat would grab her baby by the scruff of the neck.
I gently pressed on his arm to ease the pressure he was putting on my body, then let my body fall against him.
I whispered in his ear, my breath almost choked with guilt.
-Did I hurt you?
-I would never blame you for that... never.
I wiped away the tear that had fallen from his eye after he'd held it back for so long. His heart pounded when I touched him, and he gently remembered my touch.
-I'm in love.
-And Meiling?
He shook his head, a storm preventing his body from speaking. I was probably provoking him a little too much by slipping my hands under his shirt.
-I'm an idiot. I should never have left you.
-I don't care because you came back on your own...
-I'm serious. I've been having nightmares about it.
He pushed me aside to kiss my face, masking his sadness with affection. His lips were soft, the same ones I dreamed of kissing in middle school. I was dating this boy, he wasn't ashamed that I was a guy, he took care of me...and I just...pushed him away because I chose someone else.
I'm sorry, Rui, forgive me...
I hesitated for a long time before taking off my t-shirt, I didn't want him to see my injuries even though I'd already shown them to him.
I didn't want him to see his disgusting wounds. Every morning looking at them made me want to throw up...so if it was the boy I was about to make love to who saw them.
-You did it again.
-I did my best...
-It's true, it's healing a little...but it's healing over scars. You know it'll never disappear, right?
I squinted, looking to the side. I knew he'd find it disgusting, that he'd blame me. He didn't harp on it and just gave me an extra kiss to comfort me.
His body was really warm, soft... a little damp too because the summer heat and our bodies being so close didn't mix.
He stroked my hair as he watched me rest after long nights of insomnia. I just kept my eyes closed against him because it felt good, but he seemed to think I was doing it out of love... Maybe that was slightly true. It wasn't insignificant to feel soothed next to someone.
-Feng Yu.
-Yes?
-How am I going to face you tomorrow? This is a really awkward situation.
-Don't you like being completely naked next to me?
He shook his head, his face completely red, and I let him go, staying to sleep on my side. He was the one who forced me to put on my pants, complaining that he couldn't get back into bed if I didn't at least get dressed. While I was putting them on, I noticed the train tickets to the holiday home my stepfather was renting and turned around as he collapsed onto my duvet.
-Rui, are you doing anything during the holidays?
The next day, in class, I explained the trip to him in more detail because he had agreed without even knowing what I was talking about and had had to hurry and run away before my mother got home.
I was leaning over his desk, looking very focused, when I received a smack on the bottom. Turning around with a threatening face, I saw Chenbai waving his arms and saying it wasn't him, then I pointed at Meiling who was giggling.
-You could have come to see us yesterday. You're really not cool, Mr. Shang~
-...sorry. I was very busy yesterday.
She leaned over to look at my phone screen without even listening to the apologies. I understood perfectly well that the only reason for her coming was her interest in what we were doing and not her interest in my presence as she so readily claimed
-A trip?! You're planning for the school holidays?!
I looked at Rui, who was pleading with her eyes not to tell her. Even so, she'd find out eventually if her boyfriend disappeared for more than two weeks.
-My dad booked something by the sea.
-Huh? Isn't it a trip with friends?
-Yes. But for now, I've only invited Rui.
Meiling started hitting her boyfriend, who was already beside himself since I'd revealed our plans to everyone. I turned to my phone to look up trip durations but was interrupted by a cute little tap on my shoulder.
-Are you...still taking applications?
-Do you want to come?
-I-Can I?
-Of course.
He seemed surprised that I agreed so easily, and Meiling, too proud to ask to go alone, was trying to pinch Rui's back to get him to ask. Given how hard he'd gone to in his pleas not to let me tell him, I doubted he would. I was just adding his name to my little list. And...it was finished because I already knew who I wanted to invite.
-Chenbai, would you mind giving this to Muyang and Yao Hui? I don't have any friends to invite, but they're your friends and Meiling's too, right?
-You...are okay with us inviting our friends?!
-Sure. It'll liven things up
Meiling was so happy she jumped into Chenbai's arms, laughing loudly in front of everyone. There was someone next to me who didn't seem as thrilled, knowing my past with Muyang.
We ate lunch together so we could talk things out.
-It would be weird... going to the same high school as Muyang and things not being clear between us.
-That's no reason to ruin your vacation. You could just give him a call, right?
-I thought offering him a stay in a bungalow by the sea would make it easier to swallow.
Rui let my head fall on my shoulder, making sure to express his displeasure.
I had just used this vacation as an excuse to sort out my problem with Muyang because Rui and I had both noticed that he had erased me from his life to the point of not recognizing me anymore.
Rui wasn't a pawn I had added; he was just there to support him emotionally, but I needed Chenbai and Meiling to invite Muyang, otherwise it would have been awkward. Since I was using all six seats anyway, I figured inviting Muyang's best friend would allow me to keep him away, but more importantly, encourage him to come. They would be a small duo, and I could have some peace and quiet with Rui.
I rubbed my face against his hair, saying playfully :
-I'll pay for all the food you want.
-That's not enough. You'll have to surprise me even more when you get back from vacation.
These holidays were slowly taking shape, no longer as a promise of better days or closerness, but as a mission I had to complete in order to continue the course of my life and move forward without unnecessary suffering.