My name is Kaito Takamura, twenty years old, college sophomore, professional procrastinator, and—apparently—the future butt of every cosmic joke.
Why? Because I didn't die in some cool way.
No epic battle.
No heroic sacrifice.
Not even a tragic car accident.
Nope. I died… slipping on a shampoo bottle.
That's right. A single stupid plastic bottle of "Herbal Fresh Moisturizing Shampoo" ended my life. One moment I was humming in the shower, the next—BAM! Head meets tile, game over. If there's a record book for "Most Pathetic Deaths in Human History," my name is carved on the first page in bold, glowing letters.
When my vision faded, I thought I'd wake up in a hospital. Maybe a doctor yelling, "We're losing him!" or something dramatic.
Instead…
"Welcome, mortal!"
I opened my eyes and found myself in what looked like an oversized cathedral made of white marble. A sparkling fountain bubbled in the middle, surrounded by floating orbs of light.
And in front of me stood… well, let's just say, if you mixed a model, a Disney princess, and one of those gacha-game SSR goddesses, you'd get her.
Long golden hair, eyes that glowed like sapphires, a dress that looked like it was made out of starlight—yeah, it was unfair. I instantly knew I was in the presence of a goddess.
…And also that she was way out of my league.
"U-uh… where am I?" I asked, trying to keep my eyes on her face and not anywhere else.
The goddess smiled like she'd practiced this for centuries.
"You, Kaito Sumeragi, have died tragically young. But worry not! For you have been chosen to be reborn in another world as the destined Hero!"
"…Excuse me?"
Hero? Me? The guy who tripped on shampoo?
Clearly, there was a mistake.
The goddess clasped her hands together, radiating enough light to power a small city.
"Congratulations, Chosen Hero! You have been summoned here because you possess the qualities most fitting to save our world from the Demon King."
"…Wait, hold up." I raised a hand like I was in a college lecture. "Are you sure you've got the right guy? Because I'm pretty sure the only quality I possess is being able to nap through morning classes."
Her glowing smile didn't falter. "Ah, your modesty is admirable. Truly the sign of a great Hero."
"Modesty? No, I literally mean I'm useless."
She waved her hand, and a floating crystal appeared, projecting what looked like… my life stats?
Kaito Takamura
GPA: 2.3
Strength: Couldn't open a jar without using hot water first
Agility: Lost a race against a chihuahua once
Intelligence: Forgot his student ID number three times this semester
Charisma: Average at best, sometimes smells like instant noodles
"…See?" I pointed at the crystal. "Those aren't Hero stats. Those are 'background NPC' stats."
The goddess tilted her head, ignoring my very reasonable protest. "Oh no, you don't understand. This is exactly the type of soul our world needs."
"…Really?"
"Yes. The weak, bumbling type who overcomes impossible odds and inspires others through his sheer determination. A true underdog story!"
"Lady, that sounds like the plot to a sports anime, not my life."
She gave a rehearsed laugh, like a customer service rep trying not to lose it. "Details, details! Anyway, as our Hero, you shall be blessed with divine protection and powers beyond imagination."
"Oh. Okay. That doesn't sound too bad. What kind of powers are we talking about? Swordsmanship? Magic? Maybe the ability to level up super fast?"
She flicked her wrist, and a single glowing card appeared in my hand.
Blessing of the Goddess: Laundry Never Shrinks (Guaranteed 100%)
I stared. She smiled proudly.
"…Are you serious?"
"Yes! No matter how many times you wash your garments, they will never shrink. This is my sacred blessing!"
I opened my mouth. Closed it. Opened it again.
"Do you… honestly think this will help me fight a Demon King?"
"Of course! Ill-fitting clothing leads to discomfort, which leads to defeat."
I wanted to cry. Not because I was touched because apparently, the afterlife HR department was run by complete lunatics.
The goddess beamed at me like she'd just handed over the winning lottery ticket.
Blessing of the Goddess: Laundry Never Shrinks (Guaranteed 100%)
I, Kaito Takamura, stared at the glowing card in my hand.
"…So… let me get this straight," I said slowly, trying not to sound like I was insulting an all-powerful divine being. "I died slipping on shampoo, got dragged into a marble IKEA showroom, and you're telling me my divine power is… laundry insurance?"
"Correct." She nodded like a proud teacher. "Isn't it wonderful?"
"No! I mean, it's practical, sure, but in what universe does this help me slay a Demon King?"
Her eyes sparkled. "Heroes need confidence. And nothing is more confidence-destroying than ill-fitting clothes."
I almost dropped the card. "Lady, confidence isn't gonna stop me from being roasted alive by a fireball!"
"Ah, but you will look fabulous while being roasted."
"…That's not comforting!!"
I pinched the bridge of my nose. Alright, Kaito. Deep breath. Be diplomatic. You're talking to a literal goddess here.
"Okay," I said carefully. "Maybe we could… renegotiate? Like, I dunno, toss in Fireball Level 1 or Beginner Sword Skills? I'll even take Slightly Above Average Push-Ups. Anything combat related."
The goddess tilted her head, pretending to think. Then she clapped her hands together.
"Of course! You drive a hard bargain, Hero."
"Oh, thank goodness—"
"Then I shall also grant you…" She waved her hand dramatically. "…the ability to always find the last slice of pizza in any box."
I nearly fainted.
"That's not a skill! That's… that's a party trick!"
She smirked like she'd just solved world hunger. "A very useful one. Imagine it: you will never again suffer disappointment at a late-night guild feast."
I wanted to scream.
Instead, I just muttered, "So basically, I'm being sent to fight the forces of darkness armed with laundry magic and pizza radar."
"Correct. A truly legendary arsenal."
Before I could argue more, the goddess suddenly pointed behind me. A massive glowing circle appeared on the marble floor, covered in runes.
"Wait, wait, wait—what's that?!"
"The summoning spell. The kingdom awaits its Hero!"
"Already?! Don't I get a tutorial or something? At least a free starter pack?!"
Her eyes sparkled mischievously. "Oh, you'll be fine. After all, you're special."
I flailed as glowing chains wrapped around my arms and legs, dragging me toward the magic circle.
"NO I'M NOT! I'M THE WRONG GUY! I'M JUST KAITO TAKAMURAAAAAAAA—!!"
And then, in a flash of light, the world vanished.
Light swallowed me whole.
It was blinding, like being shoved into the world's brightest washing machine on spin cycle.
When it finally faded, I found myself lying on cold stone.
"Ow… my face…"
Yep. First impression of the new world: eating dirt. Very heroic.
I groaned and pushed myself up. The first thing I saw was… an audience. A large audience.
Rows upon rows of armored knights, robed mages, and nervous-looking nobles stared at me from inside a gigantic throne room. Banners of a golden lion hung from the high walls, and sunlight streamed in through stained glass windows.
At the far end of the hall sat a massive throne, and on it, a bearded king with the kind of crown you'd expect in a medieval fantasy game.
"…Is that him?" someone whispered.
"…The Hero?" another murmured.
I froze. Hundreds of eyes locked onto me.
I, Kaito Takamura, chosen Hero of Laundry and Pizza, had arrived.
"…Uh. Sup?" I raised a hand weakly.
The crowd erupted into awkward murmurs.
"Where is his holy armor?"
"He doesn't look strong at all."
"Why is he covered in dust?"
I wanted to crawl into a hole.
Before I could say anything else, a man in fancy robes stepped forward. Judging by his long beard and sparkly staff, I pegged him as the royal court wizard. He cleared his throat loudly.
"Behold! The legendary Hero, summoned from another world to save our kingdom from the Demon King!"
I waved again. "Hi. Please ignore the dirt on my forehead."
The king rose from his throne, his booming voice filling the hall.
"Welcome, chosen one! Tell us your name, great Hero, so that history may forever remember it!"
All eyes turned to me.
My brain froze. My mouth went dry. I was expected to deliver some kind of epic introduction. Something heroic. Something inspiring.
"…Kaito Takamura. I slipped on shampoo and died."
The throne room went dead silent.
Somewhere in the back, a knight coughed.
"…What?" the king asked, his majestic aura cracking.
"Uh, ignore that! Long story! The important thing is… I'm here now? Yay?" I tried to smile.
The silence grew heavier.
Finally, a loud voice cut through it. A girl's voice.
"She's joking, right? This pathetic man is supposed to be our Hero?"
I turned. Standing near the throne was a young woman in an ornate white and gold dress, with fiery red hair tied in a braid. Her emerald eyes glared at me like I was a cockroach on her royal carpet.
…Oh no. Don't tell me this is the princess.
"W-wait!" I stammered, raising my hands. "Let's not jump to conclusions! I-I might not look like much, but I've got… special abilities!"
The crowd leaned forward. The king stroked his beard. The princess folded her arms, unimpressed.
"Then prove it," she said.
My stomach dropped.
"Prove it," the princess repeated, her emerald eyes practically drilling holes into my skull.
The king leaned forward on his throne. The court wizard adjusted his hat. Dozens of knights, nobles, and mages waited in absolute silence.
I swallowed hard.
Okay, Kaito, no pressure. Just demonstrate your so-called divine powers in front of the entire kingdom, and maybe they won't immediately throw you into a dungeon.
I raised the glowing card the goddess had given me.
"Behold! The sacred blessing granted by the goddess herself!"
The card shimmered in my hand, glowing with majestic golden light. Gasps rippled through the court.
The princess narrowed her eyes. "And what, pray tell, does this divine blessing do?"
I hesitated. Do I… tell the truth?
No, no, bad idea. Imagine me saying 'My laundry never shrinks!' in front of all these people. I'd be executed on the spot for crimes against fashion.
I forced a confident smile. "Oh, you'll see. This power is so great it… it defies description!"
The princess raised an eyebrow. "Then show us."
Crap.
I scanned the room desperately. What could I do? Summon fire? Lightning? At least a spark?
Come on, laundry magic, work with me here!
I held my shirt sleeve dramatically and shouted, "Witness, as my holy raiment resists the forces of—!"
Riiip.
…My sleeve tore right off.
The room went dead silent again.
"…Pffft."
Someone in the back snorted.
The princess's glare sharpened to something that could melt steel. "This is the Hero?"
"N-no, wait!" I flailed, clutching my dangling sleeve. "That was a warm-up! A demonstration of how normal clothes are weak! But mine—mine are invincible once washed!"
"Washed?" the king repeated.
"Yes! Observe! If you give me a bucket, some water, and a few hours, I can demonstrate perfectly!"
The princess facepalmed so hard it echoed through the hall.
At that exact moment, the court wizard cleared his throat.
"Perhaps… we should conduct a standard hero test."
The king nodded gravely. "Bring the slime."
"…Wait, the what now?" I asked.
A giant cage was rolled into the throne room, and inside it squelched the most basic, tutorial-level monster imaginable: a blue slime.
The crowd cheered. The princess smirked.
"Hero Kaito Takamura," the king declared. "Show us your strength."
My life flashed before my eyes.
The knights pushed the cage into the middle of the throne room. The slime jiggled menacingly, if such a thing was possible.
I gulped. My only combat experience was button-mashing in RPGs. And now everyone expected me to duel a sentient puddle of Jell-O.
The cage opened with a squeal. The slime wobbled out, bouncing toward me.
"Hero Takamura," the princess sneered, "do try not to humiliate yourself too much."
Gee, thanks for the encouragement, Your Highness.
I picked up a practice sword one of the knights tossed me. It felt heavy. Really heavy. My arms shook just holding it.
The slime bounced closer. The crowd leaned forward. My brain screamed: You're dead, you're dead, you're so unbelievably dead—
Then… instinct kicked in.
I swung.
The blade missed the slime by a mile—no, wait. It didn't matter. Somehow, impossibly, the slime's entire body snapped cleanly in half, dissolving into sparkling blue goo before it even touched the ground.
The throne room exploded.
"W-what just happened?!"
"He cut through a slime's core without even aiming!"
"Impossible! Even skilled adventurers struggle to pierce a slime's nucleus!"
I blinked at the sword in my hands.
"…Wait. Did I just… win?"
The princess's jaw dropped. Then she scowled, refusing to believe what she'd seen. "It… it must be a fluke!"
"Try again!" shouted the wizard, his eyes shining. "Bring in three slimes at once!"
The knights dragged out another cage. Three slimes oozed forward, squelching as they advanced.
I panicked. Swung again without thinking.
SWOOSH!
The three slimes split simultaneously, dissolving into glittery puddles before I even realized I'd swung in the wrong direction.
The throne room went silent.
The king stood from his throne, voice trembling. "This… this young man has an absurdly rare talent. To strike without accuracy, yet always cleave through a slime's core…"
The wizard nodded, pale. "Yes… he possesses Absolute Laundry Precision."
"…I'm sorry, what now?" I asked.
He pointed his staff at me. "The goddess's blessing was not mere laundry resistance. Your strikes always target the weak point of dirt, stains… and now, even monsters' cores!"
"…So you're saying I can… clean things really well?"
The wizard's eyes burned with fanatic light. "Not just clean… purify! To erase stains, filth, corruption, even the very essence of monsters themselves!"
The crowd erupted in cheers. "Hero! Hero! Hero!"
Meanwhile, I just stood there holding a sword like an idiot.
"…So I'm basically the world's most overpowered janitor."
The princess glared at me, her cheeks flushed. "…Tch. Don't get cocky. Even a mop can hit a puddle once in a while."
But I could see it in her eyes—she was rattled.
The hall was still roaring with cheers of "Hero! Hero! Hero!" while I stood there trying to process the fact that I had just… accidentally murdered slimes with janitorial precision.
The king raised his arms. "Truly, the goddess has blessed us with a savior! Young man, do you possess any other divine abilities?"
My stomach clenched. Oh no.
If I told them about the pizza thing, they'd laugh me out of the castle. Or worse, crown me "Supreme Delivery Boy."
The princess, however, narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Yes. What other blessings do you hold? Surely there must be more."
Dozens of nobles leaned in. The wizard's quill was already scribbling frantically on parchment.
I sighed.
"…Fine. I also have the divine gift of… always finding the last slice of pizza in any box."
Silence.
Then, as expected—laughter.
"Pizza?!"
"Surely he jests!"
"What a foolish blessing!"
The princess smirked triumphantly. "See? I knew it. A farce after all."
But before she could bask in her victory, the wizard's quill froze mid-scratch. His eyes widened. His face turned pale.
"…Impossible," he whispered.
Everyone turned to him.
The king frowned. "What is it, Archmage?"
The old wizard's hand trembled as he clutched his staff. "The… the Pizza Blessing… it is recorded in ancient prophecy."
The hall gasped.
"Prophecy?!"
The wizard nodded furiously. "Yes! The scripture of Saint Marguerita, passed down for generations: 'When darkness devours the land, one shall rise with the sacred gift to seek out the final slice, never forsaken, never consumed.'"
"…That's not a prophecy, that's a leftover problem!" I yelped.
But it was too late. The court was in hysterics. Nobles dropped to their knees. Knights slammed their swords against the floor.
"Truly, the chosen Hero has come!"
"He shall never go hungry!"
"The last slice will guide us to victory!"
I pinched the bridge of my nose.
First laundry. Now pizza.
And somehow, both had been rebranded as divine miracles.
The king wiped a tear from his eye, voice booming with joy. "Rejoice, my people! For our Hero, Kaito Takamura, Slayer of Slimes and Seeker of the Sacred Slice, shall lead us to salvation!"
The crowd roared.
Meanwhile, the princess muttered under her breath, "Tch… Sacred Slice, my royal ass."
And just like that, my new life as the world's most absurdly overhyped Hero had officially begun.
That night, the royal castle held a feast in my honor.
You'd think being hailed as a divine savior would be exciting. That maybe I'd feel cool sitting at a long banquet table, surrounded by nobles and knights, with chandeliers blazing overhead and roasted boar the size of my old refrigerator on the table.
But no.
It was awkward. Painfully awkward.
Knights stared at me like I was some kind of exotic beast. Noble ladies whispered behind their fans. A bard kept tuning his lute, clearly preparing to sing a ballad about "The Slayer of Slimes."
Meanwhile, I sat there with my torn sleeve, trying not to spill soup on the king's carpet.
"Hero Takamura," the king boomed, lifting his goblet. "Tonight we celebrate your arrival! With your divine blessings, our kingdom shall surely triumph over the Demon King!"
The crowd cheered. I smiled weakly and raised my cup of watered-down wine.
"Y-yeah. Sure. Totally. Demon King. Easy clap."
The princess sat across from me, arms folded, glaring daggers into my skull. She hadn't said a word since the slime incident, but her expression screamed, 'I'm going to expose you as a fraud, just wait.'
I tried to ignore her. I focused on the food instead.
Roast chicken, glazed carrots, fresh bread, juicy steaks… My stomach growled so loudly a knight two seats down jumped.
I grabbed a plate. My eyes darted around, searching instinctively. And then—
Ping.
I froze.
Somewhere deep in my brain, like sonar, like a sixth sense, a signal rang out. The goddess's ridiculous pizza blessing had activated.
"…No way."
I stood suddenly, startling everyone at the table. The princess raised an eyebrow.
"What are you doing?"
"Shh." I held up a hand dramatically. "I sense it. The presence of… pizza."
The hall went silent.
"Pizza?" a noble asked, confused.
I ignored him. My legs moved on autopilot, carrying me across the hall. I dodged servants, slipped past a guard, and marched straight toward a side table hidden behind a curtain.
And there it was.
A wooden platter holding a single, glorious slice of something flat and golden, with bubbling cheese and tomato.
The last slice.
I snatched it up triumphantly and held it high for the entire hall to see.
"Behold! The Sacred Slice!"
The court erupted in chaos.
"The prophecy is real!"
"He truly can find it!"
"Praise the Hero!"
Knights banged their cups on the table. Nobles fainted from excitement. The bard immediately began composing "Ode to the Eternal Slice."
Meanwhile, the princess buried her face in her hands. "…This kingdom is doomed."
I took a bite.
…And nearly cried.
After a full day of dying embarrassingly, being mocked by a goddess, and almost getting eaten by slime pudding, I was eating real, hot, cheesy pizza.
Maybe this is what they meant by divine blessings after all.