CHAPTER 1
HOW TO FIGURE OUT IF YOURE IN A TOXIC FAMILY SYSTEM, OR EVEN A TOXIC FRIEND GROUP OR RELATIONSHIP
A) you feel anxiety even in peace , because you know the chaos is just around the corner , you know that they do not need a wrong event to happen , actually they're the wrong event , you hear any loud voice and you jump to see what now and why again .
B) you know you can not explain to them a completely logical argument, the logic is ready , but you just know they'll begin to shout or cry or walk out or show anger at the first very first line of logic .
C) you feel alone , deep down you know , you can not depend upon them for emotional support,
D) you have to take the help of an imaginary future world where all will be right with you , or an imaginary present where all is right in the head ,or an imaginary partner or child or someone who will come to rescue you and you'll then live happily and get all the love that you deserve
E) your heart knows that the hate is real , because you have improved so much but the situation has not , if it were to be dependent upon you , it would change , but it's just pure hate irrespective of who you are and what you become
F) there is no solution, in real families there are solutions , in real friendships and relationships there are solutions, because there's cooperation towards solving the problems , they try understand even if it's a very new concept , they also have the same agenda of peace , here in toxic systems , the agenda is to shame you , the method is illogical attacks , there is no solution, even if you think you'll completely adjust yourself to their liking and obey every command, there will be more attacks , even worse than before because now they are winning and they want to win more and more
G) there are many bad incidents and bad trauma , it hits you time and again, but you can not express it , you can not talk about it or even mention it because they'll attack worse listening about it
H) you feel shocked in arguments and fights , that why would someone say that and that , there's no logic to it except for the fact that it was said to hurt you
I) you worry about your life , with normal people we know their limits , we know a fight can't be real dangerous, we know if a fight ends it ends , we don't worry too much , but with toxic families, you know they can kill you or throw you out in the street , or get you into prison by faking any incident , with toxic friends you know they can eat your job or again kill you
If you feel the limit is killing you , if you feel worried about the worst possible things like getting beaten to death of getting falsely accused of a crime and get in prison or an accidental death ,they are toxic clearly
Because the brains knows how to comprehend actions , brain knows if doing nothing can get that reaction, then reacting to them will get us death
Because we don't worry like that with everyone.
J) if you freeze in an argument, because the brain knows not to react to something incomprehensible
H) if you become a people pleaser, and you notice yourself being worried about other people's thought of you all the time , if you don't speak your mind even to normal people because you can not possibly have an opinion different to theirs
I) if comedy , yourself or watching a comedy show or movies , or romance , imaginary or watching a romantic movie or show is your escape , you crave it on a daily basis , somedays everyone feels like they're craving it , but if the frequency is almost everyday.
(It's okay to watch these , its just a sign , it's a copeup mechanism and it's okay to cope up )
J) if you scroll reels or shorts mindlessly , some people do enjoy it , but if you don't remember what all you're watching , then you're creating a safe disguise for your brain to believe it's all okay
For example, I can not sleep without having a show on , I can not sleep in silence, I need the voices to feel that I have company and it's all okay , and I have distraction
K) they want as many obedient slaves as they can get
, there no limit to their desire to be a despotic dictator and they can take in their ambit , whoever is being offered without worrying about them at all , we are not humans in their eyes , forget being children , we're merely a tool , a tool to work all the time and then silently stay wherever we are thrown , don't expect empathy from the people who are incapable of most basic humanity
L) they count all the favours which they did for you , in any relationship there the mutual benefits specially
, in a parent child relationship, normal parents do a lot for the children without any feeling of whats being returned , even strangers help children without any feeling of getting something in return , but toxic parents make every little thing count
The worse part of this is they count as a favour the insult and attack that they did not do , they show as if not hitting us that time or not doing violence with us should also be treat as a favour by them , yess this iss so messed up , they expect us to be thankful for nothing because they want us to be thankful for not abusing uss too
CHAPTER 2
HOW CAN THEY HURT US MORE THAN THE OTHERS
We are not that emotional because of the things that the being said to us ,
we hurt because those things contradict our imaginary world , where this same person loves us and cares for us ,
and slowly in an argument those words break our imaginary happy world , a world where we have been in many times , a world where we want to work hard only to get these people the comfort and luxury,
but we have to realise,
If such a world could exist , it would exist in real life , it would be life itself , we wouldn't have to imagine it
We have to
A)see people very objectively for who they are , what is this person, how they treat others , how they talk about others behind their back , how they treat you, what they think of themselves, are they violent , physically or emotionally , do they get worried in your worry , do they feel pain in your pain , are they happy in your happiness, these questions needs to answered as a third party , how would a stranger, who has no interest, no gain or loss , no relation, no emotions attached describe your mother , or that sister , that is who they are , you need to be that stranger in moments of observation.
B) unattach our identity to those people , if a person Mr. Khannaio is bad , and it is his daughter is realising it , she thinks it's a bad father , no , he is a bad person , and not a father , because merely having sex does not make anyone a father , the good father is a father , a bad father is just a person who is bad, detach the identity of a father which relates back to the child , all relationships are based upon rooted care for the other person , if that rooted care is missing , do not give a name to that relationship, it's not your childhood friend it's just a person you know from your childhood , it's not a mother , it is a Mrs. Someone , only give tags to relationships where there is rooted care , care for your emotions , your well-being, your growth, your happiness, your health , atleast one of these .
Sometimes you might feel that the taunts are there because they care for your career or health , no , care does not look like taunts , care looks and feels like care , taunts are a hit in your insecurities because they want to watch you feel ashamed and suffer .
C) we have to kick them out of our imaginary future world , they may or may not be a part of our future and we may or may not deliver our duties to them as society dictates , that's a different decision
But we have to kick them out of our imaginary happy future irrespective of that choice, there are many people who will be there in our future , but they are not the part of our happy imaginary world , and we have to put these people in the same category
So next time we have imaginary money in our imaginary world , we use it to make uss happy , and we may keep some aside for arbitary purpose but we don't imagine making them happy , and we imagine trips we take with imaginary people who love us , real ones have no guarantee but if some stick to that part of life , we'll have them in real trips , but imaginary trips are to be with good imaginary people who love us or just uss
D) we expect them to say their point while taking care of our emotions, and you might think I am going to suggest , to not expect them to take care of our emotions but actually it's worse , you have to expect them to purposefully hurt our emotions , it's not that they argue for their point and in the midway they hurt our emotions , actually it's the opposite, their main target is to hurt our emotions , they will try to find points that connects to it , so they know the few flaws and insecurities we have , and everybody has some , it's human to have some , but they will attack on us with those like we're criminals , so expect them to target our emotions and make some points in between as a cover up
E) later , we expect them to have some remorse and we're upset that they don't regret hurting us , it's actually worse , they're there enjoying their win in their hearts , that's victory for them,
Many times we also cry , or we keep shut because we are holding the tears , and always we're shocked to see their reaction at our tears , that they could be so heartless to keep going even when they're watching us cry , but actually it was their highest Target ,
CHAPTER 3 The Reason
- it is usually to cover up their bad performance in some aspect of their life , if they're bad financially for their own actions, they will put it on you , sometimes literally, but other times they can not put it on you by saying it out loud so they find your insecurities to hitt , so that when they win that argument, (which they only win because we still can't hurt their emotions, we are still not equally evil ,) they feel a win , a looser constantly needs to feel a win , that need is often addictive, so the looser doesn't have to accept he is a looser , however he is still a looser , it's just a bluff to himself .
They are bad sexually so the mrs is a slut , they don't have social prestige, so the children sleep too much ,these need not be connected either
It can be that they are bad at their job , so the focus every evening is that you are fat , it's a target to insult someone more than the insult they feel for themselves, so that they can feel they are atleast better than you , ofcourse it's pathetic.
CHAPTER 3
DON'T HELP THEIR VICTIMS BEFORE OBSERVING THE VICTIM'S TOXIC SIDE
Many times these people come at us in a bunch
Because the right people will move away from them and they attract the wrong their own kind , but then they can not even be in good terms with them , because they are still insecure jealous and cruel
Sometimes you'll feel that A has done a toxic act at B
Othertimes you'll feel that B has done toxic act to A
And maybe the frequency of A is higher or maybe B is also so smart that she makes her acts hidden from you .
Leave the toxics in their bunch , that is the best punishment for them , they'll ruin each other because that is their target to ruin everyone around to feel that they're the best , so if you often find these toxic people having a very close person , who they hurt and hurt and bitch about and then go back to the same person , the fact is that they're both toxic , and they stick to each other because
A) they both think of the other one as their victim , yess and they want to completely ruin their victim
B) and also permanently want to have someone to take their poision , they'll keep them around, a normal human would move away , but those who are there still , they're not naive victims , they're the toxics themselves.
C) they both find comfort in watching the other get hurt , it has now become a competition, because they need to feel the win and whoever looses just attacks again .
So leave the toxic bunch alone , do not help either one side , because they don't need help , they need the win , and they need the win in the game to torture, and we can not possibly help them. They are unhelpable because they're not the victim of the toxicity of the other, they're the victim of the toxicity of their madness to win the toxicity battle.