Out of all the buildings in the main residence, Dinan slowly heads to the largest one, and I follow behind him.
The buildings are all painted blue.
Their colors remind me of the sky, and they remind me of that world I lived in that had no skies.
I quickly shake my head, clearing that thought off.
The cries of my heart are getting louder. It beats against my chest in a feral way. But I squeeze my chest with my left hand, in a bid to quell this annoying feeling. The feeling of fear.
I clench my teeth, my eyes narrowing and my forehead wrinkling as I look up at the main building. I'm standing right in front of it.
Ralyn. You are a coward.
My eyes twitch, my lips quivering, words that I want to tell Dinan are hanging on my lips.
How ironic. I do not know his story, the reason he fears this place and his father, nor the reason his body reacts this way when close to this building. Yet I call him a coward.
Why do I speak like I'm qualified to call him a coward? Who am I to judge him when I am one myself?
I claimed to hate life, yet I continued to live. The very idea of killing myself scared me, yet I wanted to exit that cage.
No. This isn't the time for this.
I clench my sweaty palms.
I've always known what I am. I've always known that I'm a coward and a fool who couldn't just accept the sad reality of life. So why should I feel bad?
I will not. I am what I am and I cannot change that. I am an imperfect being. I am a coward, a fool and a hypocrite. So maybe in the near future, when I've found out the reason for Ralyn's fear, I can change my thoughts of him. But for now?
You are a coward, Ralyn.
"You know you've been standing, looking at the door for about thirty seconds, right?" Dinan's voice cuts through, clearing the haziness in my vision.
I don't reply. I simply walk in. And he shakes his head slowly, walking ahead of me.
"That fear in your heart. It seems that even though your memories are gone, they did not leave with them. I often tell you, it's the only thing limiting you." Dinan suddenly speaks in a calm tone as we walk.
I just stare at the back of his head.
You're wrong. I am not Ralyn. He and I are different beings. And although I admit to being a coward, a pussy is not what I am. The only thing I feared was death. And at the same time I didn't fear it.
We walk past the doors of bronze, past the furnished living room adorned with trinkets of gold and paintings.
The silence between us is palpable. It's been about five minutes since he said that, and neither of us has spoken to each other after that.
We walk past a blue, wide hallway decorated with various drawings and paintings of white haired men with eyes that seem to follow me.
On every side of the hallway, we walk past rows of doors.
I take in a large breath. Holding it steady. Then I let it out slowly. An exhale.
Then I unclench my fists, which have been curled up unconsciously for a while.
Only then do I decide to break the awkward silence oozing between us.
"All these doors we're walking past. Where do they lead?"
Dinan pauses for a moment, and I pause too. He turns his neck, looking straight into my eyes with his head tilted over his left shoulder.
That look on his face. That strange look in his eyes. It's as if his eyes suddenly changed color. But they're still the same.
His wrinkled forehead, his narrowed eyes, the unusual way he paused.
"Is it something you can't talk about?" I ask. The tone of my voice hides the creeping unease.
Then, his hardened face immediately softens up, and his eyes return to normal as he lets out a low chuckle. "What are you talking about?" He continues walking, putting his hands in the pockets of his blue pants. "It's just that.. It feels really weird knowing that you lost your memories. You can't even remember what these rooms are. And I think I might be the cause of that. If only I hadn't agreed to your request."
My lips curl into a grimace as I stare at him.
That's why he had such a hard expression on his face? Does he take me for a fool? One can't have that kind of expression just because they feel bad. He's a liar.
"The doors are rooms. And those rooms belong to the knights of our family. Of our Lord." He speaks, his voice hitting that pitch that showcases pride even if he doesn't show it overtly.
I nod. "I see."
This world is one stuck in the medieval age. The concept of knights, the way the people dress, and the buildings. That would explain it all.
He suddenly halts again.
"Why are you suddenly stopping? Haven't you already explained it? We still have to get to the Patriarch's of–"
He takes his hands out of his pockets, "Ralyn," He calls. I remain silent. "Ralyn." He calls again. His soft voice is slightly high.
I realize. I am now the Ralyn they know. I blink, then I reply, "Yes?"
He turns to face the door on our left. It's a door larger than the others. And this one, instead of bronze decorations, has veins of gold intricately etched on it.
As he takes his eyes off the door, he slowly looks down at me. His black eyes locked straight into mine. Then he takes his index finger and puts it over his lips. "As we enter his office." He speaks, a hushed voice. "Do not look him in the eyes." He holds my shoulders. "Do not even speak. I will do the speaking. Just stand there." He says.
Ah. I see how it is now. So this is what Ralyn has been suffering.
My stomach feels like everything I've ever eaten will explode out of my mouth at any moment. The cries have increased, and so has that strange feeling that grips me, making my jaw quiver.
"It's for your own good. So do as I say. Do you hear me?" He asks.
I barely nod. Forcing my stiff neck to cooperate.
"Good." He takes his hands off my shoulders. "Now, let's go meet him." He faces the door, taking his right hand up to knock.
I take a large gulp of hot saliva that feels like it's burning through my throat.
Knock. Knock.