Rikuya didn't believe his day would end in a truck.
He was strolling home from yet another meaningless day at work, a bag of fast food from the corner store dangling from his fingers. The next—screeching tires, blinding headlights, and a crunch that sent the world spinning into black.
And that was death, huh?
No white light. No heavenly gates. No horned beasts.
Just. a soft ringing sound.
"Ring, ring, ring…"
Rikuya's eyes snapped open. He was not on pavement anymore. He was sitting on a creaky leather chair,by a desk lamp casting dim light over an antique rotary phone. In the background, he heard the scratch of quills, the hum of voices, the occasional thud of a hand on a desk.
Row after row of strange beasts encircled him. Orcs wearing spectacles, imps sporting waistcoats, demons with sword-sharp tails that tapped against their chairs—all crowded, over sparkling crystal balls, whispering tactfully as if this were some. Office?
He blinked.
The phone on his desk rang again, its tone even more high-spirited.
Ring! Ring!
Impulse took over and he picked it up.
"Uh, hello?" he murmured.
On the other side, a furious voice boomed. "MY MINIONS KEEP ON DYING. USELESS. ALL USELESS! WHAT DO I PAY YOU FOR?"
Rikuya froze with a confused look. ".what?"
"THE HOTLINE!" the voice bellowed. "THE VILLAIN SUPPORT HOTLINE! GET THIS RIGHT, OR I WILL TURN YOUR LUNGS INTO BALLOONS!"
Rikuya didn't have time to reply before a glowing board materialized in front of him, letters written out of smoke:
Villain Query: Minion Mortality.
Resolution Required. Satisfaction = Survival.
His mouth went dry. "Satisfaction equals survival?"
The panel blazed red, as if in response: Yes. Your survival.
"…Right." Rikuya swallowed. "Okay, let's be logical here. Your minions… how exactly are they dying?"
"TO THE HERO'S TRAPS!" the voice boomed. "Every time I send them into the dungeon, they fall into pits or get crushed by rolling boulders! Pathetic!"
Rikuya pinched his nose bridge. He hadn't even been here five minutes and already someone was requesting him to repair. Is this related to some dungeon OSHA violations?
".Maybe," he said delicately, "instead of sending out dozens of minions at once, you train a few ahead of time to check for traps first?"
There was no response on the other end. Then, in a slow reflecting tone: "You mean. teach them basic survival techniques?
"Yes. Like… don't stand on pressure plates. Don't open questionable chests. Common sense things."
The villain growled angrily. Then, to Rikuya's horror, he sniffled.
"No one's ever told me that before… They only tell me to make stronger minions. But you, you understand."
A line of text appeared above Rikuya's desk:
Customer Satisfaction: +10%
Life Expectancy: Improved
The villain cleared his throat and said with a satisfied tone. "Thanks, Hotline. I'll. try your advice." The call ended.
The crystal ball on Rikuya's desk hummed, and then extinguished.
He sat back in his chair, with a racing heart. "What in gods name was that?"
A cough came from beside him."What is this about god?"
Rikuya turned to see a demon with immaculately polished, spotless horns smiling at him. His suit was perfect, his satisfaction bar a vibrant green glow.
"Not bad," the demon said, speaking slowly. "For a rookie."
"Rookie?" Rikuya echoed.
The demon held out a clawed hand. "Agent Grax. your senior here at the Villain Support Hotline. And you… human, are the new transfer."
"Transfer?"
Grax was prevented from answering by a shadow falling over them.
Rikuya looked up.
The supervisor stood over him. Tall, lanky, his glasses smashed down the middle, ember-hued eyes shining faintly behind the lenses. His ID: Zalthor.
He tapped the side of Rikuya's desk with a spindly finger. "First call survived. Acceptable."
"Survived?" Rikuya repeated weakly.
Zalthor's gaze burned into him. "Remember this, human. In this office, satisfaction is survival. One failed call, one unsatisfied villain—and you'll wish that truck had finished the job."
The supervisor turned and strode away, his cloak whispering against the floor.
Rikuya sat frozen, his hand trembling even now from the phone call. His eyes drifted to the thick leather guidebook on his desk. The cover pulsed gently, as if it was. alive.
He opened it with stiff fingers.
Rule #1: The Hotline Servs All Villains Equally.
Rule #2: Never Contradict a Villain's Ego.
Rule #3: Satisfaction is Survival.
His eyes flashed down. A streak of new ink spread along the page, writing itself out before him.
Welcome, Rikuya. Your cycle starts today.
Rikuya's breath caught in his throat.
The ink was gone, leaving nothing but blank parchment.
The phone rang again.