When I saw the sea monster practically splattering Azula against the wall with its tail, something stirred in me, as if a nonexistent heart had been pierced with pain.
After the monster's blow, the girl held on to the deck with her sai daggers, thanks to which the creature's tail did not drag her into the water, as it had happened with another guardsman. The blades of the daggers had cut the ship's plating well, leaving a mark a couple of meters long. The princess was holding on by a thread, and soon collapsed onto the deck. Like a broken doll whose strings had been cut. I saw that she was still alive, but this must have left some serious injuries. It was impossible to see them from a distance, but I think she was lucky to still have her arms and legs, which might even be functional.
From a bird's-eye view, I watched the results of my own actions. While the monster was thrashing in agony under the blows of the firebenders, my mind was filled with thoughts of how it had come to this…
It all started with a hastily created plan.
Seeing a storm passing nearby, I decided to take advantage of the moment and punish the girl properly, while also demonstrating my new abilities and reminding her that she had a good reason to fear me. Inhabiting the helmsman, I steered the ship into the storm. I ripped off and threw the alarm bells into the sea. I killed all the soldiers who tried to stop me. In response, they killed me, but I'm a spirit, only the bodies I possessed died. They were mostly benders, as they were much easier to inhabit and lasted much longer. Although an active fight reduced the time of possession to one minute, with my skills, I managed to do everything I needed to in thirty seconds.
And no matter how professional the soldiers were, no matter how much experience, skills, or training they had, no matter what battles they had participated in. Absolutely none of them expected that any of their comrades could stab them in the back, unexpectedly demonstrating virtuosic skills in firebending, close combat, and handling any cold weapon. Their lives had not prepared them for this. It was too easy to steer the ship into the storm; people could literally do nothing to me. I even felt a little ashamed of such actions.
Overall, the massacre I had arranged didn't bother me at all. Except for the absolutely dishonorable methods and ways of killing, which caused a certain shame. To my shock, I even got some pleasure from killing people colorfully, masterfully, with a single blow. And it was strange; I had never noticed any particular sadism or passion for battle in myself. Does personal power really have such an effect on the mind? Or is it about the physical body? To feel so strong and powerful… it's nice.
I still remained cynical to the depths of my soul, treating the deaths of strangers with terrible indifference. In the world, a huge number of people I don't know die on a regular basis, in agony, from diseases, hunger, violence… Nothing changes from the fact that some of them died before my eyes or at my hands. And why would I even care about the lives of soldiers? I don't know them, they don't know me. Of course, some have families, wives, children, dreams, debts, and other nonsense of the living, but what do I care? Their duty is to die for someone else's goals, that's their job and there's no need to think about it too much.
Only, a certain feeling of wrongness still tormented my mind. And it wasn't related to the unexpectedly awakened passion for battles. Or was it self-affirmation? It's unclear. I never affirmed myself at the expense of others, especially those who were weaker. This is all the lot of insecure fools with worthless self-esteem. I never considered myself to be one.
Meanwhile, the battle continued, though not as actively as before. The creature had used up all its strength and was only writhing under the attacks of the benders. The only ones who suffered from it were Azula and another guardsman, who fell overboard, hit by the blow of the colossal tail along with the princess.
I saw how badly the monster's brain was damaged after the princess's lightning strike. It was because of this that I lost control of the creature. It's difficult to inhabit and control a half-fried brain. From that moment on, everything went to hell.
Soon the fire soldiers defeated the monster, throwing its carcass into the water. Having gotten rid of the danger, they first carried Azula downstairs, to the infirmary. At this time, the ship began to move away from the epicenter of the storm, gradually coming out of it. I continued to watch the princess from a distance. At the same time, pondering the reasons for the emotions I was experiencing, which were uncharacteristic of me.
Pity? No. It wasn't that. Who to feel sorry for? Except for the maids who were in the wrong place at the wrong time. The military crew of the ship? No, I definitely won't feel sorry for them. They knew what they were getting into; service in the Fire Nation army is entirely by contract. Azula? After the torture and betrayal on her part… I don't know. Even though I foresaw it, and even gained a lot of good things in the end, while the princess herself is engaged in self-flagellation and suffers from loneliness. But to watch this diligent, and craving for recognition and love child fall like a broken doll… It was painful.
I don't know what to think! She's a spoiled child whose life I remember by heart. I know she was made this way, and I know that she simply couldn't have acted differently, she didn't know how, she wasn't taught. Even now, I partially understand and accept all my actions, finding them logical. A part of me says that this is exactly how it should have happened. It was impossible to act differently with Azula; she wouldn't understand other methods. I already tried a different way, gently, slowly, but nothing worked. Only power, only fear! Only in this way can I make her respect my authority. Fear is the best feeling that controls a person!
But… wait.
I remember those words! Her father said them to the princess. I see… That's what my feelings are trying to tell me. It's all clear. I wouldn't have acted this way, no. I would have come up with a more sophisticated and effective way, without unnecessary victims and killing. But this… this is how Azula would have acted in my place. The consequence of the energy restructuring in the image of the princess, along with her memory, are making themselves known. I need to monitor myself more carefully. In order to avoid such thoughts, and, even worse, actions.
Undoubtedly, I need to figure myself out, define my goals, the path to achieving them, and the methods of implementation. And also the price I'm willing to pay for all of this…
Could I have acted differently? Yes. There were many options, but I was in a hurry. Time… there's never enough of it. Or am I starting to justify myself? How disgusting to engage in self-reflection. But a certain bald monk who is about to awaken this year won't ask for my opinion. But even with time in mind, I acted too rashly and a little stupidly. Just as Azula acted with me, betraying me at the first opportunity…
I need meditation. I need to figure myself out. Fortunately, there's time while the princess is unconscious.
It's time to think about my next actions…
***
Despite the missing people, several holes, leaks, dented plating, and other consequences of the traitors' sabotage, the princess's ship successfully overcame the storm. But, the imperial guard never found any traces of the traitors. Their possible presence forced them to act much tougher and literally hang over the working sailors. But everyone understood and accepted such a situation and such harsh measures.
Most of the princess's entourage remained alive, so they guarded all important places, not even giving the hidden traitors a chance to deliver a surprise blow. Although none were found, after the incident, the guards had no right to make a mistake. By order of the captain of the guard, Azula was always guarded by at least three firebenders.
Under their supervision, the ship's doctor treated the imperial dignitary. The doctor knew: if he failed to cope with this task, he would be declared a traitor and accused of all sins. To his luck, the lady got off lightly, for someone who had been hit by the tail of a giant serpent. If you believe the eyewitnesses, and there was no reason not to. A dislocation of both arms and one leg, cracks in the bones, a broken rib, and a countless number of bruises, abrasions, and contusions. A light price for surviving in such a situation, and the wounds… a young body will easily heal the injuries. Easily, but not soon.
By that time, the princess had just regained consciousness, demonstrating amazing vitality, and then a high pain threshold. The doctor set the dislocated limbs, treated the other wounds, and put bandages and splints on the broken ribs and other bones in which cracks were found. Azula didn't show a single muscle movement demonstrating the pain she was experiencing. She was only upset that she would be able to return to training only in a month, and that was in the best-case scenario. However, the girl masterfully hid her emotions and all her pain.
No one knew what she was thinking or what she was feeling. Therefore, all the witnesses of the treatment were impressed by the girl's composure. They didn't even guess that losing even a little bit of her reputation was much more frightening for the princess than the pain of setting her joints. After finishing the treatment and writing a course of recovery, the doctor allowed them to carry the princess to her quarters.
The guards had to take the girl on a stretcher and carry her to the top floor of the pagoda. The unfortunates trembled with fear, carrying the imperial dignitary with all possible caution. Mentally praying to Agni, they carried the girl slowly, without rushing, stepping up the stairs, freezing every time the girl winced in pain. The princess didn't complain, silently enduring, clenching her teeth. Only once on the entire journey did she order them to carry her more carefully. However, the men almost went gray with fear, carrying their burden to the very top floor.
Azula was consumed by conflicting emotions. She had never felt so weak, helpless, humiliated… The girl perfectly understood the situation and the necessity of it, but she couldn't do anything about it. All she could do was endure and try to recover as quickly as possible. However, all this did not prevent the girl from being angry at her own situation. But what she had been running from for so long had caught up with her.
Solitude alone with herself… it scared her. There was no longer any possibility of escaping. Azula was left completely alone with her psychological traumas and the stupid thoughts of her mind. The princess, enduring the pain, made great efforts, straining all her will, not to appear weak in front of others. While she was being carried, she was thinking about many things, but no one was able to even guess what she was thinking. It was not noticeable. Azula showed neither her worries nor her suffering. But the girl knew that as soon as she was left alone, everything would get much worse.
The guards brought the girl to her quarters, leaving her at the disposal of the maids, who had been checked in all places several times, slightly abusing their position. But they didn't complain much. And Azula wasn't interested in it. The princess was completely immersed in her thoughts and emotions, stewing in them like in a boiling pot. In such a state of powerless anger, she didn't even feel the taste of the soup they were feeding her with a spoon.
— My lady, ring the bell, and we will come immediately, — one of the maids said to the princess when they finished taking care of her. Azula could barely move without feeling pain, so she really needed help even with getting ready for bed.
— I know, leave me. I wish to be alone, — the princess said restrainedly, looking angrily at her maids, who continued to be afraid of her even in her condition.
Azula wasn't angry at them specifically, she was just angry at everything. Feelings raged inside her, demanding a way out, but they were held back by the girl's colossal will.
The five women silently bowed and left through the door to the next quarters. The door remained slightly ajar. Right behind the door stood two guards, while a third patrolled the corridor.
The light from the lamps illuminated the room. Azula hadn't put them out, and the maids had forgotten about it, in their fear trying to obey the princess's order. The windows were closed with shutters, behind them the wind howled. The room was in order. On the wall hung a sword made of meteorite steel. Below, on the table, lay the sai daggers that the guardsmen had brought with her. She had gotten them thanks to the spirit. It was they who had saved her life today. The girl barely looked away from the things that reminded her of her old acquaintance.
Otherwise, her quarters were disgustingly luxurious and pompous.
No one to talk to. No one to complain to. To hold oneself with royal dignity. To endure. To be the perfect heir to the throne. No matter how difficult it was, to continue to be perfect. But how could she follow her ideals, being in such a pathetic state? Perhaps it would be better if she had died than to endure such shame. Her heart was overflowing with self-loathing every time someone looked at her. She couldn't see it, but she guessed that they were looking at her with pity. In such a terrible state, no one could be afraid of her.
Left alone, she wanted to talk and cry about her problems, her pain, more than ever. The torment of her soul was so great and painful that tears burst from her eyes. At this moment, she wouldn't even mind talking to the parasite she had destroyed with her own hands. The one she missed so much, but didn't even admit it to herself in her thoughts. With some difficulty, wiping her tears on the pillow, she tried to pull herself together and distract herself, as she had done many times before.
About to start the healing breathing technique to distract herself from her emotional torment, the girl took a breath and shuddered in a painful cough.
— Kha-kha-khe… kha… — trying to hold back the pain with a tearing cough, she tried to be strong, but… no, she couldn't, it didn't work. She was a weak, defenseless, broken, and crying girl.
— Princess? Are you all right? — the guardsman immediately came in, concerned by what he had heard.
— Yes, — the girl hissed through teeth clenched in pain, — get out of my room.
— Y-yes, — the soldier said in a shaky voice and immediately left, leaving the princess alone with her pain.
Did he see her tears? Even if he did, he didn't show it in any way, quickly returning to his post.
Azula had nothing left but to silently hold back the sobs that were tearing to get out. Breathing quietly in gasps, she tried to think about something difficult. Recalling difficult tasks, thinking about the tactics of naval battles, battle tactics, solving complex mathematical equations in her mind, distracting her mind with anything!
But she couldn't do anything…
She took the most comfortable position possible; the pain in her ribs had lessened. It was unknown how much time had passed. The wind outside the windows howled and continued to howl. It seemed like it was a bright day? Or evening? The storm had started early in the morning. She could ask the guards, but she didn't want them to see her like this.
She was wide awake. How could she sleep in such a state, when she wanted to scream! Azula held back with all her might to keep from crying. Tears silently streamed down her cheeks, forming wet trails. In this state, she didn't at all follow her surroundings and could not have seen what was happening behind her.
From the wall behind her, a bluish spirit emerged. Slowly and silently flying up to the girl, he sharply touched her forehead with his hand. For a moment, Azula's eyes flared with light, after which she fell into a peaceful sleep.