He got out of the trunk, walked to the front of the car, opened the door, and sat down in the seat. He crossed his arms and sat up straight, staring ahead. A few seconds later, Adam sat down in the driver's seat with a triumphant smile on his face. "Oh, I almost forgot. The boss has a birthday present for you." Harun glanced at the man indifferently. "I'm not that interested," he said and looked back down. As he watched the empty street, the only thought in his mind was to go straight home. "Come on, king, you might like it. Is it worth upsetting the boss?"
Harun impatiently opened the box in the man's hand, first bringing it close to his ear and shaking it quickly. The box was covered in pink paper and had a ribbon with purple and white stars around it. "Could there be a bomb inside?" he said, but there wasn't even a hint of humor in his voice. "I don't think so, he wouldn't try to kill his newest and favorite employee." Taking note of the seriousness on the man's face, he slowly untied the ribbon and opened the box.
The sight he saw shocked him for the second time today.
He had never seen any weapon other than his brother's gun in his life. "What is this?" he whispered involuntarily. The man frowned and pointed to the weapon, saying, "A gun." More accurately, it didn't resemble an ordinary gun. Snake motifs starting from the body of the gun extended to the very tip of the barrel, and each pattern looked as if it had been painstakingly crafted, making it look quite heavy and intimidating. Unlike normal guns, the trigger guard was not oval but indented and protruding. It was clearly a work of special craftsmanship. "The boss had it made for you. I wish I could say there's nothing else like it in the world, but unfortunately, there is one more like this gun, and now one belongs to you." Although there was a hidden implication in his voice, Harun tried to ignore it. Because he couldn't comprehend what was happening right now. Where did this gift come from?
"This was completely unnecessary." He grabbed the gift box and threw it at the man. "What, are you afraid your wife will get angry?" The man laughed mockingly as he caught the box and started the car. Harun leaned back with a grumpy grunt and began to watch the road ahead with displeasure.
He felt an indescribable uneasiness inside.
◇
DEVA
It was 6:00 p.m., and as I carried the birthday cake I had spent the last four hours preparing to the table, one ear was at the door, but there was no movement, nor any sound from Harun. It had been eight hours and seventeen minutes since he left the kitchen to talk on the phone, and eight hours and ten minutes since he left the house.
I glanced at the dining table one last time; the candles in the candlesticks at either end of the table were slowly melting and about to go out.
The food on the table had already grown cold, and it had long since grown dark outside.
The curiosity that was beginning to stir in my cells slowly took hold of my mind.
Where was he?
When the bell suddenly rang, I jumped up and ran to the door. Before opening it, I adjusted the red dress that reached my knees and smoothed my wavy red hair. I opened the door with a smile on my face.
But my husband wasn't there. Instead, his brother, Emre, was standing there. He was wearing a police uniform and had a gun on his belt. It took me a while to notice the police cars behind him. I couldn't understand what was going on. When I looked at Emre as if to ask, it seemed like it was taking him a while to get the words out. "Deva," he said hesitantly. He averted his eyes and kept swallowing and biting his lips. "You need to come with us, for a while." I was trying to make sense of it all, but my brain seemed to have shut down. "My brother, my brother... has passed away." It was as if I couldn't hear the words coming out of his mouth. The words he spoke didn't register in my memory; they seemed to go in one ear and out the other.
What did it mean to pass away?
When my heart suddenly felt crushed by an immense force, I found myself at the doorstep, collapsing to the ground, my body and eyes losing their strength as my eyes gently closed.
◇
The cold that took hold of my body was so intense that it felt like I had been placed in a coffin and thrown to the bottom of the ocean, and as I sank deeper, each violent wave of the ocean hammered nails into my skin. Every second, the hand squeezing my throat tightened its grip, cutting off my breath. I couldn't breathe, nor could I rid my system of this disgusting feeling that had taken over my body.
My heart hadn't been beating for the last three days; for the last three days, I had felt like I was in a small coffin. I was trying to escape from the rubble that had collapsed on me, but I couldn't find the strength within myself.
"How, how could this be?" The words forced their way out of my mouth, but they didn't reach my ears or my body.
When I entered the autopsy room at Emre's direction, I involuntarily gripped his arm, which was a few inches away from me, even tighter. This couldn't be real. The one lying there... The one lying there wasn't my husband.
Everything was a nightmare, this was a nightmare.
I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and tried to ignore my eyelids burning with pain. Was there any way to push back the tears threatening to spill from my eyes?
As the sorrow I had locked myself in slowly loosened my knees, I searched for something to hold onto, but it was very difficult to focus on my surroundings with blurry eyes.
"Be careful," Emre warned, and I leaned against a wall and let myself go. My feet sank into a swamp, and I collapsed onto my knees. "Deva, Deva, look at me. Breathe."
Breathe? How did one breathe? For three days, I had had no reason to breathe. The world I lived in looked completely different to me. The trees, the houses, even the sky were painted black. I was an orphan again, I was alone again, I was all alone again in this big world. When I realized that the wet thing hitting my face was water, I was able to open my eyes and come to my senses a little.
We had arrived at the autopsy.
For diagnosis...
As my heart beat with this awareness, it began to sprout anew in my mind over the last three days. Awareness pierced my heart like a spear, and I turned my gaze to the scene before me. As my vision cleared, I couldn't help but swallow hard at the word "AUTOPSY" written on the small sign next to the automatic door.
"Now, my husband... My husband..." Before I could finish, Emre spoke for me, "Yes, here," he said, looking at the same spot as me. "Come on, let's go." Reluctantly, I forced myself to stand up. My knees screamed, but I tried to walk, and when we reached the door, I tried to take a small breath, but breathing had become quite difficult in recent days.
When we entered through the door, I crossed my arms against the cold that greeted us and took a timid step. The sound of the ventilation system filling the room scratched my ears, while the strong smell of cleaning products invading my nose made me feel sick. I paused for a moment to collect myself. I closed my eyes and tried not to engrave this moment in my mind.
I could have done it.
All my efforts not to cry vanished the moment I opened my eyes. There was a corpse on the table in front of me. No, not just a corpse, my husband... my husband's corpse. My heart stopped beating for a second. As the scream that escaped my lips slowly echoed between the four walls, I could no longer hold myself back and collapsed to the floor. My tears flowed freely, falling rapidly onto the cold, metal floor. As my sobs rose rapidly from my chest, finding freedom, I covered my mouth with my hands.
My heart was shattered and slipped away from my fingertips. Just like my husband's body, buried under the soil thrown onto his grave, soil had been thrown onto my heart.
I was shattered.
As I watched each handful of soil thrown onto his body, I could see the flame burning somewhere inside me right before my eyes. Somewhere inside me, the devil was sneaking up behind me and whispering in my ear. We both wanted revenge. We both wanted to breathe in revenge.
I was torn between dying and killing. The desire for revenge was growing so strong inside me.
What did anyone want from my husband?
After the funeral, when we went to the condolence house, I tried to help Harun's family. Some were whispering and gossiping, others stopped me to offer their condolences. Living with the awareness that my husband no longer breathed in this world... trying to live was very difficult.
Was being tested with loneliness again, when life was already a test for me, one of God's strange jokes?
The mourning house was packed with people, and I sat next to Harun's mother. She was beating her knees and crying. She had lost her son, and I had lost the man I thought I would share my pillow with for the rest of my life. As her wails tore at my heart, I held her hands. We hugged each other, trying to ease our pain, but no matter how much I tried to soothe her wounds, I knew I could never ease the pain inside her.
It had been three years since I left the orphanage and started standing on my own two feet. I was working part-time at a bookstore and living alone in a small house. After passing the university entrance exam, I had secured a position as a classroom teacher and had everything sorted out.
On my first day at university, I was looking left and right for the Faculty of Education, but I couldn't find it. Hesitating to ask people around me, I was walking, clutching my bag tightly, when suddenly I saw him. He was smiling and telling a group of people something. He was older than me, that was clear. I found myself walking towards him without meaning to. I was curious about what he was saying, and when I joined the crowd and started listening to him, I couldn't help but smile, nodding my head occasionally in agreement with what he was saying.
After a while, our eyes met, and in that moment, it was as if time had stopped for both of us. It was as if we could understand each other without speaking.
But now... now neither he could open his eyes nor could I breathe.