With Mihawk gone and the branch successfully reduced to a pile of smoldering rubble, Mike figured his mission was complete.
He had no reason to stir up any more trouble.
He just had to deal with the Admiral who had witnessed the whole thing.
Kizaru let the dust settle before addressing the assembled Marines of Branch 186, who had slowly gathered around him with a mixture of awe and terror.
"So... that's the way it is," Admiral Kizaru said, casually spreading his hands.
His tone was as relaxed as a man on vacation, but it carried a weight that left no room for argument.
"Headquarters has decided to transfer Captain Mike back to Marineford. I'm just here to rubber-stamp the paperwork. The review, as you can all see," he gestured vaguely at the cratered landscape, "has already been successfully completed."
A faint, lazy smile touched Kizaru's lips as his gaze slowly shifted to Mike.
"Being able to fight Mihawk to that extent, there's absolutely no question about your strength. Your new position will be my personal adjutant. After we complete the formalities back at HQ, your rank will be officially promoted to Marine Headquarters Captain."
(there's a difference between branch captain and HQ captain as you know it)
He gave a little shrug. "If there are no issues, you can start preparing to board my ship. We'll be heading back shortly."
"..."
Mike's heart sank.
His perfect excuse had been blown up—literally—by Kizaru's earlier threat.
But a true master of slacking off never gives up.
It was time for Plan B: the emotional appeal.
"Admiral Kizaru," Mike began cautiously, his voice taking on a somber, responsible tone.
"Is it possible to delay this transfer order? Please, just for a little while."
He cast a pained look at the surrounding ruins, as if they were a fallen comrade.
"I've been the Captain of this branch for three years now. The emotional attachment I have to this place... to these men... it runs deeper than the sea itself." His voice began to crack with carefully rehearsed emotion.
"If someone else takes over right now, amidst this chaos, I can't rest easy! I'd be worried sick about my subordinates!"
Mike took a deep, shuddering breath, his eyes becoming slightly moist as he turned to face his men.
"The bond between us... it's stronger than gold! I can't bear to part... with them!" he choked out, clutching his chest dramatically.
"I can't bear to leave the 186th branch! I can't bear to leave this... this fulfilling work environment where I can slack off in peace!"
"I..."
Kizaru, far from being moved, leisurely found a large, stable piece of rubble and sat down, crossing one leg over the other.
He curled his lips into an amused smile, looking like a judge at a talent show.
"Alright," he drawled. "Let's see the performance."
Mike's "speech" grew increasingly impassioned, his voice trembling with emotion as actual tears began to well up in his eyes.
He truly couldn't bear to leave.
These past three years at Branch 186 had been a paradise of leisure and comfort, a perfectly engineered life of minimal effort for a steady paycheck.
The surrounding soldiers of Branch 186 were completely taken in by Mike's "heartfelt" words.
Their eyes glistened with emotion, mistaking his selfish plea for a noble sacrifice.
A young marine couldn't hold it back any longer and let out a quiet sob.
"Captain Mike... he could've gone to Headquarters ages ago, but he deliberately slacked off and refused promotions... all for our sake. I just—"
"I'm gonna cry!" another wailed.
The realization, tragically incorrect, spread through the crowd like wildfire.
"So this is why the Captain slacked off so much! He never actively hunted pirates or applied for transfers because he couldn't bear to leave us!"
"Case closed, brothers! We're the ones holding the Captain back from his true destiny!"
"We're unforgivable!" a few more soldiers cried, hanging their heads in shame.
Suddenly, a young Marine, his eyes brimming with tears of heroic resolve, shot his hand into the air.
"Captain, I support your transfer to Headquarters!" he shouted, his voice trembling with emotion.
"Captain, don't let us ruin your bright future!"
Mike was baffled.
Before he could process this betrayal, another soldier chimed in.
"Yeah, Captain, you should go! We'll be alright!"
Soon, more and more hands shot up, their eyes filled with a mixture of determination and heartbroken reluctance.
Some choked back sobs, while others clenched their jaws, as if making the hardest decision of their lives.
"That's right!" the entire branch erupted in a unified chorus, every Marine's gaze brimming with misguided sincerity.
"Captain, we've always supported you! Go, don't hesitate any longer! We release you!"
"You guys... damn it all..." Mike glared fiercely at the first young Marine who had started this catastrophic chain reaction.
'Don't screw me over, you idiot! If I leave, who's going to take you all to the Red-Light District for "team-building exercises"?'
'Who let you sleep through your shifts? I trusted you! And you repay me with a backstab!'
"Well, well~" Kizaru lightly stroked his chin, a knowing smile playing on his lips as he observed the impassioned soldiers.
Say what you will, but this level of camaraderie—however misinformed—was unmatched by any other branch he'd ever seen.
No wonder this kid's personnel evaluations were off the charts.
"Ahem..." Kizaru cleared his throat, deciding the entertainment had gone on long enough.
It was time to play his trump card.
"Captain Mike," he began, his voice carrying over the din.
"Come serve as my adjutant."
He paused, letting the weight of the offer sink in.
"Promotion and a massive pay raise, of course."
"And I can personally guarantee that once your official duties are done for the day, you can slack off, sleep on the job, and clock out on time every single day. No overtime. Ever." As he spoke, Kizaru waved a hand casually, as if painting a picture of an ideal 'Headquarters life'.
"Patrols aren't too demanding either. You just have to follow my lead... and I tend to sail very slowly."
Next, Kizaru's words became even more enticing.
"The Headquarters Cafeteria has a gourmet buffet. Three meals a day, with a menu that never repeats. They even have a chocolate fountain on Fridays. You can even take leftovers home."
"Elite-Class Exclusive Cigars are allocated monthly from a private government stock. How about that? Tempting, isn't it?"
With each new perk Kizaru listed, Mike's crocodile tears dried up and his eyes began to sparkle with a distinct, greedy light.
Kizaru observed these changes with deep amusement, chuckling inwardly.
'Kid, you may be a master of slacking off, but I'm the god.'
'Wrapping you around my little finger is a piece of cake.'
"This... the Headquarters' perks are... this good?" Mike muttered to himself, his resolve crumbling like his former office.
"There's more~" Kizaru cooed, leaning in for the final blow.
"You see, I've quit smoking, so..."
A glint of pure mischief flashed behind his sunglasses.
"I can give you my monthly allocation of Admiral-Class Exclusive Cigars as well."
"..."
A better environment for slacking off.
Higher pay.
More free time.
A gourmet buffet.
And a double-ration of the best cigars in the world, completely free.
This wasn't just tempting.
This was paradise.
Mike's jaw hung open for a second before he snapped it shut.
He looked at the Admiral, his eyes wide with a newfound, profound respect.
"Admiral Kizaru, you..." he said, his voice filled with awe.
"You really know how to temp a man!"