Darkness.
Not the poetic kind. The kind that hums like a fridge in a cheap apartment at 3 a.m., lukewarm air and stale crumbs under the couch. He tries to breathe and realizes he doesn't need to. He tries to blink and realizes there's nothing to blink at.
Then the light switches on.
It's not a lamp. It's an office that unfolds from the void like it was always there: floating desks stacked with glowing tablets, a coat rack with no coats, a coffee mug that refills itself and never gets drunk. At the center of it all stands a tall man with a silver beard, gold eyes, and the vibe of a civil servant who has seen every mistake anyone could make and is sick of watching reruns.
"1,000,000,000," the man says without looking up. His voice is smooth and tired.
"Congratulations!! Because of our ancient tradition, the rules state today is the luckiest day of your existence."
I snap upright off the nonexistent floor. My heart should be pounding, but it's not beating. My chest should hurt, but there's no chest. There's just…me, shaped like me, in clothes I don't own, in a room that doesn't exist, with a man who looks like a myth and talks like he works at the damn DMV.
"Wow," I say. "And who the hell are you? Why are you in my house? Why does my house look like a tech startup died and left its shit posts? And why am I wearing clothes? I went to sleep naked."
He drags his palm down his face, and the gravity around me increases. "Every. Single. Mother. Fucking. Time."
"I'm not joking."
"I know you're not. It's part of the problem." He raises a hand and ticks points off with two long fingers. "One: I am #$&@, god of reincarnation, regulator of soul traffic for more realities than you can spell. Satisfied?"
I look down. Simple black Marvel shirt, loose sweats, and barefooted. "So…I'm dead."
"Ding, ding, ding, the SpEd-fuck has figured it out." #$&@ flips a tablet over and squints at the readout. "Cause of death: myocardial infarction. Contributing factors: heavy carbs, zero exercise, random ass stress spikes at 2:14 a.m. while scrolling TikTok conspiracy videos and anime wikis. Honestly, given the abuse you put your body through, you were living on limited time."
I stare at him. "So I died with ten tabs open, half of them memes. Let's just say… the other half would put me behind bars."
"Correct. You went out as a horny, fat fuck with your V-Card still intact."
I couldn't respond. There was no smart comeback. What he said was true. So, I let the silence sit there. Maybe that's the advantage of not having lungs. I couldn't breathe, but I just do. For all intents and purposes, this god made me speechless.
"Many guys are virgins. Don't be a dick about it. With how much you're working here, I bet you aren't getting any divine p*ssy either, reincarnation god."
#$&@ tosses the tablet from one hand to the other. It makes no sound in the air. "I'm going to ignore that and not turn your soul into sugar powder for my donuts," he replies, mock benignity.
"Now, the only reason you're here and not on a a first-class flight to questionable-horny-boy-hell after literally dying with your three inch destroyer in your hand is because of Tradition. Every billionth soul under my jurisdiction gets the big package: their memory retention, plus a bonus of accumulated karmic points on skills or knowledge for your next world."
"Memory retention?" I ask. "Like, I remember everything? I don't get baby-brain wiped upon being reborn?"
"Yeah, yeah. You get to keep that freaky shyt in your head," #$&@ says. "It's the only perk in this job I don't actively hate."
"And what are karmic points?"
He flicks his fingers. A translucent panel as big as a room wall blinks into existence between us, stacked with rows and tags and absurdly tiny font like a gacha game storefront mated with a cosmic library. The screen auto-translates whatever language I was looking at and I get to understand what it says.
There are categories: Bloodlines, Techniques, Artifacts, Knowledge Packs, Reality Picks.
I felt overwhelmed just by how big it is.
A plethora of categories presented themselves to me. My eyes flick to a tiny section in the corner of the screen.
Balance: 83,973 KP.
"That's… not good, right?" I say, a bit skeptical. With me being the billionth pick, 84k doesn't seem all that.
#$&@ barks a laugh that's kind of a cough and cringe. "Good? I've seen houseflies with more karmic accumulation. Eighty-three thousand? That's light work. That's—what do the blacks call it—broke nigga status."
"Wow," I say flatly. "Thank you for your compassion in this difficult time., racist asshole. You can't say that!"
"You want compassion?" He gestures at the bottomless desk jungle. "See the mug? It says 'World's Okayest God.' I didn't buy it. Plus, my cousin's boyfriend's black."
'Where the hell did he even have to time research the ultimate racist response as getting caught being racist?' I think in my, exasperated. Sometimes, this guy doesn't even seem like a god and more human.
Pushing those thoughts aside, I start scrolling. The store swiftly reacts to my thoughts like a meth when the drug dealer offers free drugs. The names come at me hard.
MARVEL: Phoenix Force Embers — 3,000,000,000 KP.
MARVEL: Odinforce (Sub-Aspect License) — 950,000,000 KP.
MARVEL: Power Cosmic Seed (Latent) — 600,000,000 KP.
MARVEL: Sorcerer Supreme Curriculum (Sanitized) — 120,000,000 KP.
DBZ: Senzu Agriculture & Bio-Knowledge Pack — 2,500,000 KP.
DBZ: Zenkai Optimization Protocol (Ethical Version) — 5,000,000 KP.
DBZ: Legendary Super Saiyan Genome Key — 9,999,999,999 KP.
DBZ: Gravity Field Mastery 10x–500x — 12,000,000 KP.
DBZ: Saiyan Imperial Language (Saiya-go) — 3,000 KP. (Bundle with Universal Trade Tongue +2,000 KP.)
DBZ: Scouter OS Design & Reverse Engineering — 80,000 KP.
JJBA: Stand Awakening License (Random) — 750,000,000 KP.
JJBA: Made in Heaven — ha.
JJBA: Gold Experience Requiem — ha².
BLEACH: Custom Zanpakutō (Sealed) — 5,000,000 KP.
ONE PIECE: Armament Haki (Base) — 1,200,000 KP.
HUNTER×HUNTER: Nen Fundamentals — 306,000 KP.
NARUTO: Chakra Pathway Cleanse — 410,000 KP.
FATE: Magecraft Starter Library — 3,106,000 KP.
STAR WARS: Basic Telekinesis Trick Pack — 700,000 KP.
EVO UNIVERSE: EVO-Virus — 999,999,999 KP. (Dream on!)
MISC: "Pick Reality" — 999,999,999 KP (No).
MISC: "Pick Reality + Birth Slot + Safe Spawn" — 999,999,999,999 KP (Absolutely Not).
***
I scroll faster. The prices don't get kinder. If anything, they tend to get more exorbitant. The descriptions taunt the hell out of me. The "ha"s feel personal. Who even put those evaluations there?
#$&@ sips nothing from his refilling mug. "See anything you like?"
"Yeah," I say. "Everything. Why the hell does this things want to make me feel even broker? What assholes even accumulate that much KP? You'd probably have to live at least hundreds of years to accumulate a trillion KP."
"You a broke ho. Just accept." He makes a little tada gesture. "Welcome to the metaphysical pauper class."
I roll my eyes at his lack of empathy. My attention focuses on the Knowledge Packs. At least those look reachable.
DBZ: Zenkai Evolution Biogenetics (Full Optimization Protocol) — 15,000,000 KP.
DBZ: God Ki Theory (Kaiōshin Curriculum) — 220,000,000 KP.
DBZ: Angelic Martial Arts Canon (Ultra Instinct Foundations) — 950,000,000 KP.
DBZ: Fusion Dance Theory & Application — 85,000,000 KP.
DBZ: Potara Fusion Mechanics (Kai Artifact Restricted) — 150,000,000 KP.
DBZ: Great Ape Control & Lunar Combat Strategy — 35,000,000 KP.
DBZ: Saiyan Imperial Warhost Command Manual — 70,000,000 KP.
DBZ: Saiyan Civil Wars: Tactical Anthology (Uncensored) — 45,000,000 KP.
Marvel: Sorcerer Supreme Compendium (Kamar-Taj, Restricted) — 120,000,000 KP.
Marvel: Ancient One's Meditation Framework (Astral Stability) — 60,000,000 KP.
Marvel: Infinity Stone Mechanics Archive (Partial) — 999,999,999 KP.
Marvel: Power Cosmic Harnessing (Herald-Level Draft) — 800,000,000 KP.
Marvel: Nova Force Doctrine (Prime-Level) — 240,000,000 KP.
Marvel: Asgardian Runes & Enchantments (Odin's School) — 85,000,000 KP.
Marvel: Eternal Genetics Primer (Cosmic Engineering) — 400,000,000 KP.
Marvel: Shi'ar War Science Codex — 90,000,000 KP.
Marvel: Asgardian Physiology & Evolutionary Notes (Restricted) — 130,000,000 KP.
Marvel: Celestial Forging Techniques (Incomplete) — 350,000,000 KP.
Marvel: Dark Dimension Binding Scrolls (Dormammu Fragment) — 850,000,000 KP.
Naruto: Six Paths Chakra Manual — 180,000,000 KP.
Naruto: Sage of Six Paths Battle Records (Fragmentary) — 200,000,000 KP.
Naruto: Sealing Arts Compendium (Uzushiogakure Lost Scrolls) — 125,000,000 KP.
Naruto: Forbidden Jutsu Catalog (Redacted) — 275,000,000 KP.
Bleach: Shinigami Academy Curriculum (Condensed) — 200,000,000 KP.
Bleach: Kido Archive (Binding & Destructive Spells) — 300,000,000 KP.
Bleach: Hollow Evolution Manual (Censored) — 450,000,000 KP.
Bleach: Soul King Fragment Study (Banned) — 999,999,999 KP.
One Piece: Haki Flow Dynamics (Advanced) — 150,000,000 KP.
One Piece: Rokushiki Techniques (Cipher Pol) — 125,000,000 KP.
One Piece: Devil Fruit Taxonomy (Paramecia, Zoan, Logia) — 350,000,000 KP.
One Piece: Ancient Weapons Research Logs (Uranus/Omitted) — 999,999,999 KP.
Hunter × Hunter: Nen Theory & Advanced Applications — 306,000,000 KP.
Hunter × Hunter: Hunter Association Archives (Classified) — 280,000,000 KP.
FMA: Human Transmutation & Equivalent Exchange Laws — 230,000,000 KP.
FMA: Philosopher's Stone Construction Notes (Fragment) — 500,000,000 KP.
Fate: Magecraft Root Theory (Thaumaturgical Foundations) — 400,000,000 KP.
Fate: Unlimited Blade Works Formulae (Sealed Copy) — 600,000,000 KP.
Fate: True Magic Archives (Partial) — 999,999,999 KP.
JoJo: Stand Awakening Archetypes & Psychological Theory — 450,000,000 KP.
JoJo: Spin Mechanics & Dimensional Wormhole Notes — 300,000,000 KP.
JoJo: Heaven Ascension DIO Research Notes (Reality Overwrite) — 999,999,999 KP.
——————
Misc / Cross-Reality Packs:
Star Wars: Jedi Holocron Archives (Lightsaber Forms + Force Basics) — 375,000,000 KP.
Star Wars: Sith Codex (Rule of Two Fragment) — 450,000,000 KP.
Elder Scrolls: Thu'um & Dragon Tongue Lore — 260,000,000 KP.
Witcher: Witcher Mutagenic Trials (Incomplete) — 340,000,000 KP.
Warhammer 40K: Astartes Genetic Blueprint & Combat Doctrine — 600,000,000 KP.
Dune: Bene Gesserit Truthsayer + Prana-Bindu Conditioning — 500,000,000 KP.
Dune: Mentat Logic Calculus Archives — 275,000,000 KP.
Dark Souls: Firekeeper Lore & Bonfire Cycle — 180,000,000 KP
Mass Effect: Biotic Amplification Protocols — 320,000,000 KP.
Halo: Spartan-II Augmentation Protocols — 400,000,000 KP.
***
These, I could buy. But what are they next to gods? Knowledge is power, sure, but what's a "safety protocol" when the guy across the field can erase a mountain from existence?
Why are they all so DAMN expense? Some of them shouldn't even be that expensive. Like who the hell needs to know the Thu'um & Dragon Tongue Lore? Just play the games, bro.
#$&@ watches my face flatten. "Hehe, I guess you don't see much that you can buy huh? Even out of the millions of options, your tiny brain can't comprehend the scale of abilities from different universes within the omnivore. Alas, you have another option."
"I'm not bargaining," I say, immediately rejecting his proposal. "Who the hell do you think I am? I ain't Dr. Strange. I'll keep searching."
This got a hearty laugh from the god in front of me. It took him at least a full 2 minutes to stop laughing. And that's only after rolled around on the floor. The asshole was even laughing and rolling on the ceiling. I was getting pretty pissed of, but I couldn't help but want to laugh myself. I was actin quite ridiculous.
Sobering up a bit, he asks, "What are you searching for? A coupon code?"
I was crestfallen. Everything was so expensive . There wasn't a filter for me to add or even a sorting option that would allow for me to list the things from least to most expensive.
So, I just shook my head in response. "For a miracle."
He flicks a different tablet toward me like he's dealing cards in a smoky back room. "There is a miracle. You won't like it."
Sighing, I look at him now. The new panel is shorter. Just a few bold entries with ugly warning triangles.