The bedroom was huge.... Like really huge. Bigger than any bedroom I have seen in my life just like the rest of his world.
There was soft lights, a big bed and an expensive paintings in the corner and in all this Alexander stood near the door. Awkward. His hands in his pockets. He looked young. Scared, even. Maybe even more scared than I was.
"Helene," he started. "Can I... can I get you anything? Water? Or maybe we could just... talk first?"
I looked at him, he was looking to connect with me but I couldn't talk. Talking made it real. It made him real. It made him nice. Awkward. Beautiful.
I needed it done now. Before I broke apart.
"No," I said. My voice sounded strange "It's okay."
I walked to the bed and sat on the edge.
I looked at him. My heart pounded hard. Like a drum. "Come sit with me, okay?"
He swallowed and took a step closer. Then another. He sat beside me. Not touching. The space between us felt electric.
"I... I read books," he blurted out suddenly. He looked embarrassed. His cheeks turning pink. "About this. How to... make it nice. For her. Chapter Seven was about... uh... taking time. Foreplay." He stumbled over the word.
He was trying. Really trying. To be gentle. To be good. It made everything worse.
"Alexander," I whispered. I turned to him, putting my hand on his cheek. His skin was warm...Soft. He froze. His eyes wide behind his glasses. Blue. Deep. Startled. "It's okay. Just... let's just do it." I told him.
He leaned in then, slowly...very carefully. His lips touched mine. It was soft, tentative. Unsure. Mine stayed still. I kept mine closed because no matter how much I urged myself to open up, I couldn't move my lips.
He pulled back slightly, looking worried.
"Sorry," he breathed. "Was that...? Was I out of line?"
"Again," I said. I needed it over.
He kissed me again. Longer this time. He was still soft, still careful. His hand touched my waist lightly like he was asking permission. I didn't push him away. His kiss deepened. Became warmer. Less awkward. His arms went around me and he pulled me closer.
He smelled clean. Like expensive soap. Like safety.
My body reacted. My body betrayed me.
Heat spread where his hands touched. My lips moved under his without my permission. Just a little. I made a small sound. Encouraged. His hands explored my back. Gentle. Slow. Like the books told him.
Guilt screamed inside me. Liam! But my skin hummed. My breath hitched. I pressed further into him like he was air and water rolled into one.
Alexander laid me back on the soft sheets. His eyes never left mine like it was asking permission. For every touch. Every move.
He was slow and patient with me. So careful.
He fumbled with my clothes. His fingers trembled. "Sorry," he mumbled again. "I'm... new at this. You are...my first"
"You are my first, too," I whispered the truth.
It seemed to surprise him. He paused. Looked at me. Really looked. His expression soft. Almost... tender.
He kissed me again. Deeper. More confident now. His body covered mine. It was warm. Solid. His hands learned my skin. My body arched against my will. A gasp escaped me. It was not pain. Not yet. It was something else. Something warm. And it was spreading fast.
He was slow. So slow and careful. Whispering, "Okay? This okay?" I nodded. I couldn't speak. The carefulness felt... good. Safe. Wrong.
Then the moment came when he pressed into me and there was this sharpness that made me gasp.
It was brief. He stopped instantly. "Did I hurt you?" Worry etched on his face. Sweat on his brow and something closely resembling panic.
"No. I'm fine" I breathed. "Keep going."
Just finish it. I almost screamed.
He moved. Slowly at first. Then deeper. His eyes closed. Filled with pleasure.
His hands held me and was gentle. His breathing changed. Grew ragged. He kissed my neck. My shoulder. Murmured things. Sweet things. Meaningless things to me.
And then... It happened. My body forgot. It forgot the hospital. Forgot Liam. Forgot the auction. Forgot everything but the feeling that was building inside of me. This warm. Insistent. Unstoppable feeling. A low moan tore from my throat. It was unplanned. And very real.
Alexander gasped above me. His movements became urgent. Less controlled. His own release followed mine. He shuddered and collapsed beside me. Breathing hard.
He turned his head and looked at me. His eyes dazed. Happy. A shy smile touched his lips.
"That was..." he started, searching for words. "Amazing. You are... amazing, Helene." He reached out. Brushed a strand of hair from my face. His touch was soft. Affectionate. "Thank you."
The words were a knife that twisted.
Thank you? For what? For selling myself? For betraying Liam? For enjoying it? The guilt crashed back. And it was ten times worse. Hot tears burned behind my eyes. I turned away. Facing the window. The city lights blurred.
He misunderstood. Thought I was tired. Shy. He pulled the soft covers over us. Spooned behind me gently. His arm around my waist. It was warm, protective. Possessive.
He sighed feeling content. His breathing evened out. He fell asleep quickly holding me.
I lay stiff. Staring into the dark. His arm felt like a chain. The feeling of pleasure echoed in my body, I hated it.
Hated that my body betrayed me.
Hated that my body was a traitor. Tears slid silently down my face onto the expensive pillow.
Liam. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't sleep. Not for one second or I wasn't supposed to. I was supposed to be miserable. I was supposed to hate the idea of being with Alexander except when he reached for me again in the middle of the night, I kissed him back passionately and I came... again shamelessly.
***
The first light of dawn crept around the heavy curtains. Alexander slept deeply. Peacefully. His arm still draped over me.
Carefully. Slowly. I slid out from under his arm. He murmured softly but didn't wake.
I stood beside the bed. I was naked. Exposed. Shivering. My clothes lay discarded on the carpet. I picked them up and dressed quickly. Silently. My fingers fumbled with buttons. Zippers.
I looked at him once, sleeping. He was beautiful. Innocent in his sleep. Oblivious. He looked younger. Vulnerable.
I had used him. Used his kindness. His body. His friend's money without his knowledge.
I left no note. No goodbye. Nothing.
I slipped out of the bedroom. Through the huge, silent living room. Past the dinner table with its empty glasses. My footsteps silent on the thick carpet. I opened the heavy suite door. Closed it softly behind me. The click echoed in the empty hallway.
I walked fast. My head down. I didn't look back. The elevator doors opened. I stepped in alone. The doors slid shut.
The elevator sank. And then I caught my reflection in the mirrored walls. I looked pale. Haunted. Empty.
I leaned my head against the cool metal and closed my eyes.
I had done it. Sold myself. And part of me... part of me had liked it. The elevator reached the lobby. The doors opened. I walked out into the cold morning light.