I lay my tattered head onto the pillow.
"Ah…"
It's more of a groan from pure exhaustion than simple sleepiness.
I lazily place my frames on the ground to my left by reaching over the pillows on my floor-futon-setup.
I prefer sleeping on the ground rather than elevated up on a bedframe, because I frequently get up to use the bathroom at night.
I would believe that I have some sort of bladder issue, but I think the reason is because of the sheer amount of carbonated drinks in my diet.
"..."
―――Wait.
For a brief moment, my mind feels as if its very contents were being drained out like sand pouring through a sieve.
The feeling is extremely familiar to me, but I can't seem to put my finger on it.
"..."
Oh, I know.
It's one of 'those moments' again.
A trance spell, thinking about that horrible day again.
These spells come and go, just like earlier with Kuwagawa-Sensei.
Out of nowhere, without warning, my mind is overloaded with vivid images of the day I died.
"The day I died".
I think those words as if they were fully real.
As if it really did happen.
I think of Kota's teasing earlier tonight.
Sure, the words are stupidly strange.
But, I'm sure as ever that what happened that day was real.
At least, that is what I hope I really think.
…I place my hand on my face.
It hasn't even been a minute since the spell started, and my forehead is drenched in sweat.
"Ugh."
An annoyed sound escapes my mouth in reflection.
But, it only makes sense.
…It makes perfect sense, actually.
Ever since that horrible day, not only did I lose some cognitive function, but most of my body took a significant amount of damage.
It's either that, or I was simply born unlucky with genetic disabilities.
More specifically, my eyes were likely struck by broken glass.
So, I'm as blind as a bat.
Of course, the natural solution would be glasses, but even with these thick lenses, I'm willing to bet my vision is far from perfect.
…But, it's actually things like this that make me quite lucky to be homeschooled, now that I think about it.
If not for Takamura-Sensei's deadly lessons, I would be getting teased for my appearance at some traditional high school.
That is, if I am excluding the bullying done by innocent sunshine Kuwagawa-Sensei.
If not for Takamura-sensei, then…
"Then…"
The thought of that woman immediately snaps me out of the spell.
Though, I'm very lucky for it to have been so short, lasting only about a minute.
I can recall a trance spell lasting up to a full twenty-four hours, but I tend to forget things like that.
Anyways, the thought of Takamura-Sensei takes over my mind.
More specifically, the fact that she had left so abruptly.
The reason I couldn't say anything to stop her at that time was probably because I was shocked by her empty words.
But, even so, even if she had left so unexpectedly…
Why should I care?
And why do I care?
I imagine her lonely silhouette dressed in the night sky once more.
Hm.
…To be honest, I didn't want to admit it.
But.
I "like" Takamura-sensei.
Not love.
And, not like.
I only "like" Takamura-sensei.
I "like" her because her existence gave me a sense of normalcy.
Just like Kota Kuwagawa.
Yeah, that's right.
Now that I'm thinking about this clearly, that must be right.
It's as if the curtain has fallen on Aron's ordinary life, giving my mind time to think.
It's only now I realize that.
No, that even "realize".
That would imply something I had never known.
Such an implication is not true.
The mind of Aron has probably always known this fact.
It's actually the body that refuses to acknowledge the truth.
The truth being, the reason behind why I "felt" that way about the woman dressed in black.
And, if such a fact is truly true, it would explain why I felt the way I do about Kota as a person as well.
Not because I necessarily like them, but I "like" them.
The truth, no matter how blunt it may be, is that I do not "feel" like normal human beings can.
No, I don't have a sickness preventing my emotions.
No, I am not a robot, like Takamura-sensei, either…
Rather.
I have reason to believe I am an empty body, whose heart is the heart of a hero.
The same hero who I call Knight.
It would explain a lot of things wrong with me, after all.
It's also why I don't like Takamura or Kuwagawa.
It's really nothing to do with malice…
But, it's the fact that I'm unable to like them.
"I'm" as in the soul of Aron Toruyama.
Understanding the situation, I close my eyes and scoff.
So, this is why I felt so connected to these people.
And why Takamura-sensei's sudden change in attitude startled me so much.
Something unusual like that involves emotion, and emotion is the murderous villain to normality and uniformity.
It's all because, plainly said…
I do not have a soul.
Well, it only makes sense, right?
A person who lost their own heart has also lost their soul, right?
In a way, am I really Sustrous Aron?
Or rather, is Sustrous Aron the vessel in which the soul and blood of my brother flows through my circuits?
It only makes sense, right?
Because I can't truly connect with humans, I rely on them to feel as if I am.
Normality can mask the remaining espers of Aron.
Or, at least it can temporarily distract me from thinking about such things.
…Yeah, I'm okay with that.
I'm okay with distracting myself.
And, on top of that, knowing what I'm doing.
As long as I can forget everything and live day to day as if I were some normal boy.
…Yes, I understand that now.
Yes, I'll do that, and keep doing it.
…I sigh.
Coming to such a conclusion without caring for the scope of the issue.
That alone is perfectly fit for someone like me.
But, I do not care.
This way of living is the only way for somebody like me to be normal.
Perhaps I will always carry that thought of a man clad in armor.
But, I conclude without further hesitation that these thoughts and the aftermath of that event must be left to die.
Yes, left to die, along with the soul of Aron.
I think that because in reality, I had truly died that day.
—That horrible day six years ago.
Of course, I am still technically living.
That much isn't too impossible of a fact for my brain to wrap itself around.
But the actual Sustrous Aron doesn't exist anymore.
No, that part of me is truly gone.
It left me the moment that damn Knight transfigured my heart, and swapped it with his.
And, even though I may have lived through that ordeal,
I can't help but think about the other people that died that day.
The reason they died wasn't because of me entirely, but…