I was standing in the kitchen beside Eleanor. Her dark hair lay over her right shoulder as she poured a few glasses of wine for her family. She wouldn't let me out of her sight since I had arrived at their home. She wanted to make sure I was alright. She wouldn't stop thanking me for what I did. Bringing them back to their lives and family. Every few minutes, she'd say something about it.
"Sam, truly, thank you for all that you've done for us," Eleanor would say. "Without you… We'd be in shambles."
I understood how important it all was for them. They had family returning from death. They were feeling things in a way that was very different from how I was; I had become numb to most things that others felt so strongly about. It was easier for me since I had so much taken at once. When most others lingered in the emotions afterwards, I was already back to a calm state.
I kept telling her she didn't have to thank me, and that I just wanted to help when I could.
I sipped the beer beside the kitchen counter with Frank, even though it didn't do anything to me, but I kept up appearances like it did. I needed some more of Martin's blazing star if I wanted to feel it. It had been a while since I had some, but that was probably for the best.
Then, I started to wonder why the yellow herb affected me at all when silver didn't. It made me start to think harder about the subject of weaknesses. Why did one thing have an effect, and another didn't? Who made these rules, and why was I such an oddball compared to the rest of the hidden world?
I wanted to be near Autumn as I sat in her family's home, but she roamed the house in preparation, helping Eleanor with things. We hadn't seen each other in months. As far as I knew, she didn't feel the same anymore. I missed her. As Frank talked to me at the counter, I kept her movements across the second floor closely tracked in my mind.
Allen and Eloise had left for the night. They had been staying with Jane at the Talbot property. They stayed with the pack most nights so far. They would stay up until their first full year with Jane, especially now that they were away from everything they had known before. Jane wanted to see how they behaved on full moons. She'd work with them and teach them how to be like the Talbots. She had to know it was safe for them to be out and about, and they had to be ready for the approaching day, so they left for the Rockwoods Reservation.
The two werewolves acknowledged me as they prepared to leave, but kept a safe distance. I think that, even through all of the conversations with the family, they still had reservations about me. They knew the small flashes and images they saw while transformed were real. The few moments of absolute carnage they witnessed were hard to forget, and even harder to understand. Their transformation was controlled in a way that kept them in a box; tied to the full moon, however, the inner battle was always happening. I was not restricted and could unleash destruction at a moment's notice. They had their own inner demon fighting to break their will, just in a different way. I think for them it was hard to understand how I seemed to just pull out the monster whenever I wanted and slaughter everything like a damn juggernaut one minute, and be calm and controlled the next. That's probably how they saw that night in the valley. I knew it would take time.
Eleanor patted my arm as she walked Allen and Eloise out, assuring me she would be back. She also wanted to make sure I knew I couldn't escape and disappear again. I think they all thought I'd vanish again, right from beneath their noses.
Then, when no one else was around the immediate vicinity, Frank asked, "Sam, I gotta ask…" He turned in his chair as everyone vacated the area in preparation for the cousins' arrival. "Why'd you do it?" he asked. "Eleanor said you had the chance to be human again, but you gave it away to save her…" he thought about what she had told him. "Why did you do that?" Frank asked, seeming very emotional on the subject.
I formulated the words before I tried to say anything I didn't mean. Frank, behind the jokes and light-heartedness, seemed twisted up.
"I knew what I had become since I was transformed into… this. Not literally, I still don't fully know what I am. But I knew what I had been doing since I was turned, and what I felt inside. I gave up everything I had to keep my family safe. They moved on and continued living. I spent the next two years alone. I had no one until the night I met all of you. I grew a lot closer than I ever meant to with your family. When I knew Eleanor died… all I could think about was protecting the people I cared about, again. I had to get her back, and when they told me I could trade my life… I just did it. I had thought for so long that I was already dead, so when they dangled that in front of me… I did have some hope. But… I just gave it right back."
"That's…" Frank didn't have the words ready to speak. He didn't know what to say. This was one of the few rare times I saw Frank visibly emotional.
"It was fast, and I tried not to think about it too much in the moment. But, what would I go back to? A life that had already moved past me. Sure… they would welcome me back, but… everything would be different. What I would bring back could crush their lives: what I did… what I became. The Sam that I was… the one they knew, was dead. I'm not him anymore." I admitted a lot in that short burst of words. I looked down as I finished, realizing some of the things I had never spoken out, even inside my thoughts.
Frank didn't say anything; he didn't joke or make light of the situation. He just nodded, thinking about what I had said.
"There's a lot more to the story. What I am… what I'm supposed to do… I don't know. I still don't understand it. Honestly, I don't know if I believe it all one hundred percent yet. I'm still trying to figure that out."
"Well, I can't speak for the rest of my family, but I can speak for myself," Frank added. "As long as you want to stick around, you'll always be welcome with me." Frank clinked his beer with mine after he finished talking. He spun to face forward at the counter, "And don't worry about Wayland. He may seem a little uptight right now, but he's a good dude. He just knows what his number one priority is; that's Delilah. He'll do anything to protect her, even if it doesn't agree with everyone else."
I nodded because I understood. I thought I would be the same with Caydee. "I didn't think he was that bad."
"They're here," Carter said as he came around the corner into the kitchen. "Sam, you and Frank head into the dining room and wait. I'll bring them all in there for dinner, and we'll make introductions." It was all very orchestrated.
"Can do," I said, getting up from my chair and heading to the familiar, massive oak table just a few feet away in the dining room.
Frank followed me into the low-lit dining room, where I was first introduced to the joined family. That was the night my life changed again.
After a few minutes of waiting, Autumn appeared in the entryway of the dining room. My entire body went into a rigid shock at the sight of her. Just seeing her so frequently throughout the day was too much to handle after being away from her for so long. I felt the monster inside pushing me forward to her. I felt my hands pushing myself out of the chair, my feet taking my weight to stand. The monster wanted control. I quickly snapped out of it once I realized what I was subconsciously doing.
As soon as Frank saw her, he asked, "Hey, can you stick with Sam? I need to hit the bathroom and then get us another drink."
"Yep," she answered quickly and detached as she paced over to us.
Frank rounded the corner, and Autumn and I were alone. She stared at me for a minute, and I stared back. I don't think either of us knew what to say.
"Autumn… I…" I tried to start.
"I missed you," she interrupted.
I took a moment to think before answering. "I've missed you, too." I tried to think of something to say without sounding like I was making excuses.
She had slowly begun to walk around the table to my side. She took a seat directly beside my chair, twisting her seat to face me as we spoke.
Thankfully, she helped me out, "Do you think… maybe we could talk. Sometime soon, maybe? After all this is settled with my cousins."
I was taken by surprise at her request, but it was everything I could have ever wanted in that moment. She wanted to spend time with me alone, even if it was just to talk.
"Yes," I almost said too quickly. "I'd like that."
She reached over hesitantly and placed her hand on top of mine. Feeling her pulse vibrating through her fingers and into my skin was hard to process. Her adrenaline was pumping, making her heartbeat hard inside her chest. I could hear the pounding inside her that was flushing her skin. Her breaths had a slight quiver as she inhaled, hidden from the rest of her family, but not me. She was nervous and shaky as we spoke, but you'd have to have heightened senses to see it. She hid it well.
Her deeply brown eyes stared back at me just as I remembered them. Her straight, dark hair was a little shorter than before. I hadn't realized it until now, but it hung just past her shoulders, where before it had hung to the small of her back. Her familiar smell infected the air around me, fogging my mind of other things in the room. It was hard being around her. She put me in an unaware state. She was so… distracting.
"Mom and Dad told me everything you talked about with them, but I feel like… I don't know…" She struggled to speak without letting her true feelings out in this quick moment alone. "I feel like we were so close before, and I just want to hear certain things directly from you. If that's okay…"
I nodded, "Whatever you want… I'll do it. When do you think we can talk?"
"I honestly don't know," Autumn looked up quickly at the entry to the dining room, sensing something. "Someone's coming."
She snapped up out of her chair, and the closeness we had for a moment, as Frank rounded the corner. She paced back around to the other side of the table to let Frank have his seat beside me. I didn't even hear him coming; I was so distracted by Autumn's closeness.
"They're almost here," he warned.
I eased back into my chair as Autumn found a seat adjacent to me. The oak slab separated us, but my eyes were trained on her as she calmed herself. She couldn't let her family see the break in her demeanor. But I could see it.
She looked back over at me once she gathered herself. Our close intimacy had been interrupted, and for the time being, was gone. She half smiled and nodded a few times, assuring me we'd work something out where we could talk… alone.
The monster was thrilled inside his cage, and I felt it grip my bones and rattle my resolve a little, reminding me it was there in the cage. It had a will of its own, and it wanted me to get her alone.
I breathed long and slow as I readied myself for the dinner after the monster started gripping my mind. Stay calm… stay cool as a cucumber. I had to help Carter bring his cousins into the fold and make a good impression so they wouldn't blow the top off this little arrangement. Carter was trying to avoid some distant family members' criticism, but he didn't go into too much detail about them. But I'd learn more about that later.
Only moments later, Eleanor walked in, eyes wide as she prepared mentally. She sat down as the family transitioned through the house. Only a moment or two later, Carter and Wayland were passing into the entry of the dining room with many different people.
"Hey," everyone let out in unison as soon as they were in sight. They had all seen each other just a few hours earlier, as they were staying in the guest wing. Still, I could tell they must be close at their jovial reaction to everyone coming back to the house after only leaving for the day. I knew that wasn't the case, as Carter had told me about some strife between them and hunting tactics.
It made me wonder. Was being around them going to cause a problem within their family? I didn't want to be a problem for them, even though I knew ultimately they decided to have me around. I gave them an out.
"How was it?" Frank asked from beside me.
"Good," the eldest man answered as he walked up to a chair on the other side. "We visited a few friends in the area and even met up with Bartley."
Just then, Bartley, his wife Sarah, Patrick, and the elusive Shelta appeared behind them in the dining room. They all walked inside of the low-lit room in good spirits as they reunited with their extended family. They all hugged and greeted one another as they entered. It took a few moments for Bartley and the rest of the Wicklows to realize I was sitting smack dab in the middle of the table.
Bartley's face almost went white as he saw me, "Sam." He maintained his composure pretty well at the sight of me. "It's been a while." The uncertainty was apparent on his face as we looked eye to eye. I could only imagine the things he thought as he saw me for the first time, especially after Annabelle relayed all of the things she felt about my existence. I was probably the biggest mystery that any of them had ever come across.
I could see the looks the Wicklows were passing between themselves as they all realized Carter needed them to just play it casual. They quickly joined in with the ploy, acting as naturally as possible. No lies, we just weren't spilling all of the beans. Not yet.
Patrick seemed more distressed than the rest of them about it. I didn't have to guess why. He was worried Autumn wouldn't give him the attention he'd had recently, now that I was back.
The Wicklows all looked the same since the last time I had seen them, except for Shelta. I hadn't seen her in a very long time, but I could tell she seemed different somehow. Her short black hair was more maintained than before, tied back in a neat ponytail. She looked more put together, and not in such a distant thousand-yard stare like the first time I met her. Her face still looked strained, but her eyes weren't as far off as before… but something was still happening inside her mind, no matter how much she presented herself on the outside. She looked livelier, more assertive than I remembered from my short interactions with her before. She spoke when needed during greetings, but turned silent most of the time. Even compared to Annabelle, Shelta was the strangest of her family, and I hadn't even seen what she was capable of yet.
Patrick got his long, dark hair cut as well. No longer was he that ponytail wearing asshole. Now his hair was shaved on the sides and swept towards the back. It still looked ridiculous. I wanted to slap the shit out of him.
"So, this is Sam," the unknown man said as he looked at me blankly. "That was you… The other night." His eyes looked like he didn't believe the lone person looking back at him murdered that gigantic demon from the cave.
The crowd of people all took a seat at the slam-packed dining room table. Total, there were fifteen of us sitting around the table. I didn't recognize a few faces, so Carter made some introductions.
"Yeah," I said simply, trying not to talk too much.
"And you killed it… the Olitiau?" a rougher man behind the first said.
"The what…" I was confused.
"The bat; that thing in the cave. That's what it was called," Carter quickly explained.
"Oh… I got you. Then yeah, it's dead," I admitted.
They all looked at me, waiting for more information. They wanted details; how I did it, was it hard, what was it like? It didn't seem like my answers were what they wanted.
Carter cut in, "Sam, this is my cousin Zeke."
Zeke reached his older, muscular arm out across the wooden table, shaking my hand with a firm grip. He tried to seem unafraid.
"Nice grip," he smiled. "I guess Carter wasn't exaggerating." He was playing nice for the moment.
Zeke was a little older than Carter, closer to Frank's age, but he had a few grey hairs tracing out the sides of his head. He seemed like he had been seasoned by hunting. Seen more death and tragedies than most. He was almost as tall as I was, leaning all the way across the table as we shook hands.
He had a weird look on his face as he spoke, like he was sizing me up. He looked like he had questions, but he seemed to be holding back. I think Carter front-loaded him, told him to be calm. This was just a meet and greet.
I just nodded, unsure of how Carter wanted me to respond.
"I'm Zeke, nice to meet you, Sam," he eventually continued. "This is my daughter Kayla," he motioned over towards a girl with blonde hair that reminded me of Vicky. She was just as physically honed as the rest of the hunters. She looked about the same age as Autumn and Patrick. They were all three sitting in a row, with Autumn sandwiched between them. Kayla looked like she kept eyeing Patrick, picking at him in various ways. I could tell that they all had known each other for a very long time.
She was shorter than Autumn and had a muscular tone that reminded me of a smaller but proportionate version of Clara. Her blonde hair was long and hanging down straight behind her as she eyed me carefully. I noticed a few light scars on her exposed arms and one side of her neck and jaw.
They were physically different, but I could see the similarities as Kayla plopped down beside Autumn. She was seasoned and experienced for her age, physically honed from years of training and hunting. She whispered something in Autumn's ear as she sat, making Autumn smile and blush. Kayla let out a soft laugh at her cousin's embarrassment, shooting a glance my way. I wish I had tuned in to what they were saying, but Zeke kept talking.
"This is my brother, Arthur," Zeke waved towards a man with a similar build to Frank, but he never said a word.
He had black hair and a scar that traced around the outside of his left eye. His look was accompanied by a "do not fuck with me" attitude. He just sat in his chair and nodded as his name came up. He seemed rougher than the rest and very serious. He didn't look like he took too much bullshit. Yet, for some reason, I liked him the most. Maybe because he didn't talk too much, and he didn't seem like he liked people who did.
"It's nice to meet you," I said to all three of them.
"Sounds like everyone has high hopes for you to stick around?" Zeke asked, having no time or patience for anyone beating around the bush. He seemed pretty outspoken and firm in his personal beliefs. The way he said it let me know he didn't agree with everyone else. Not yet.
I didn't say anything, just stared back at him.
"I guess we'll just have to see…" Zeke said roughly. "It's a hard life what we do. You think you'd stick around if you were human?" He was brutally honest, and I don't think he thought I'd make it.
"I don't know."
"If you didn't have all that strength, you think you would've fought that bat?" he asked, seeming like he was trying to let me know he didn't think I was worth a shit… or something like that.
"Probably not."
"So why should we let you join our family now?" He asked, creating more and more tension with every word.
I had done a fairly good job of not giving him much to this point, so I figured I'd just keep that going. If nothing more than to just get under his skin. I'm not sure if this is what Carter had planned, but ole' Zeke was really starting to piss me off.
He was blunt and unapologetic. It made me want to let the monster rattle its cage a little, pumping out the dominating presence that made grown men shit themselves. Then we'd see if he thought I'd make it as a human in his world.
Maybe that's what he was doing. Was he trying to see if he could rile me up? Maybe he wanted to see if I was a threat… if he could get me to show my dark side here at the dinner table. Maybe that was all the ammunition he needed to make things hard for Carter with the rest of their family that Carter was trying to avoid.
"I think I know what you want me to say," I told Zeke.
"Oh yeah," he said. "Tell me. What is it that you think I want to hear," he smirked, cockiness in his voice.
"You're welcome," I said bluntly.
His eyes bugged out a little, "Excuse me." He didn't like that.
I explained calmly, not even looking at him anymore, "If I didn't show up when I did, you and all of your family would be dead." I left it at that, no more explanation needed.
Zeke stood there for a moment, frozen at my words. I think he partly didn't like the way I talked to him, and also realized what I said was true.
He smirked and then sat down.
The rest of the evening was calmer. I could tell they all tiptoed around subjects at the table. I just tucked my head and let the family talk amongst themselves about everything that had been happening. I chimed in on details now and then, but it was all stuff everyone knew already, except for the cousins. They seemed like they had already talked about it all before, only reiterating facts and ironing out details about what happened when I first roamed St. Louis, all those months ago. They spoke of the three immortals, and Eleanor getting hurt by the chimera, Phineas. I gritted my teeth in that part. They acted like it was some kind of poison that the chimera wielded, and not the ultimately fatal manticore venom that robbed her of her life. Those details remained buried. They didn't want them to know about the trade I made for her life. It seemed they smudged the details on that… for the time being.
Autumn looked at me periodically as they all spoke, hoping I was doing okay after what happened with Zeke. I think she worried about me as I sat silently for most of the night, unless I was asked a question directly. I know I probably seemed cold in the moment, but I thought what I said was best.
Zeke was a bully, and he thought he knew best ahead of everyone else. I will say, though, he had some balls talking to me that way, knowing what I did to that Olitiau… or whatever that thing was called.
"I really wish you'd introduce me to Martin," Zeke told Carter. "I'm honestly interested in meeting him. None of us has ever met a friendly vampire before." Zeke seemed serious with what he was saying.
I was curious if Martin would even go for something like that. I still hadn't talked to Martin yet. I needed to stop by, seeing as I might be around, visions pending.
Autumn surprised me at dinner. She was either a really good actress, or it was real. You could tell there was something between her and Patrick. Nothing out in the open, but it was subtle little cues that tipped me off. Was it real, and I had no future chance with her? Or was it a distraction that would easily pass if I reestablished myself in her life? Then I wondered… should I? Was I even right to think something like that about her… a human girl?
I could tell by Patrick's body language that he felt that he had a claim on her. I felt the monster boil underneath my skin as I watched him inch in towards her. My heart beat harder beneath my skin, a faint echo of the thunderous pounding I heard of the monster's true heart somewhere in the cage when I was on a vision hunt.
Autumn would shoot a few glances my way as she tried to act normal in front of everyone. Though there were times that I felt she lingered on me in a way that told me she wanted more. She had a look in her eyes that reminded me of that night in the back seat of her car. I couldn't tell if it was just me trying to convince myself of this, or what I was sensing was real.
I wondered… should I have come back? Would she be better off without me? Patrick could offer her things I couldn't. He could give her life, whereas all I brought was death. I never really liked Patrick, but at that moment, I felt gratitude for what he could do if she did want something… human, a normal life. He would be there as an option to make her happy. I hated even thinking it, but I couldn't deny the thoughts. Just looking at Autumn all night made me realize… I wanted her to be happy. Just looking at her, across the table, she seemed like she was… if it was real.
Thankfully, I had made it through dinner and was standing at the door with Frank. He offered me a ride multiple times in the late evening and eventually just said yes. I think, for some reason, it meant a lot to him. I liked Frank, and honestly, I was ready to go. Things were happening inside of me, and it was all new again. Ten months on my own again was a long time to be away. It was a little much for me, if I was honest with myself.
I took a deep breath as Frank and I left the house, saying goodbye to all of the family. Autumn had just gone upstairs with Kayla to show her something, and Patrick followed right behind them. She glanced at me before leaving the room, I think, to ensure I didn't go anywhere. I didn't want to show anything externally that I was thinking about leaving quickly, so she went upstairs. I wasn't sure what to think with all the inner turmoil that reared its head as I felt the desire to get closer to Autumn again, but in any case, I left with Frank.
Carter and Eleanor told me goodbye and said they'd let Autumn know I had left. Eleanor was afraid in her eyes, like she wouldn't see me again.
"You'll be at the safe house?" Eleanor spoke softly as I inched out the door.
"Yeah," I promised. "I'm not going anywhere yet."
"Okay," she accepted, letting go of my arm after she had grabbed me at the door. "If you need something, or anything changes, let me know," Eleanor urged. "You still have our numbers?" She double checked like a mother sending their kid off to summer camp for the first time.
"I do, and I will," I smiled as I answered her many questions.
Then, Frank and I headed out. We paced through the yard to his big rusty truck, "Hop on in there, Sam. Let's get the hell out of here."
"You alright to drive?" I slightly chuckled.
He let out a snort, "Yeah, I think I'm alright. I only had enough to distract myself from Zeke. He's hard to listen to," Frank admitted.
I closed the door to Frank's rickety truck, shutting myself inside with him. The old rust bucket sprang to life shockingly fast.
"You don't like Zeke?" I asked.
"Zeke's family," Frank admitted, "but he can be an asshole. He doesn't like the idea of Jane and me, and he's very opinionated. So, he will let me know what he thinks every chance he gets."
I realized something, "Is that why everyone is…" I tried to figure out how to word what was going on.
"Pretending like you're a harmless rabbit?" Frank asked.
"More or less," I said.
"There are a few other aspects to it. Autumn's one of them."
"Autumn?" I spoke out in the rumbling shake of the cruising truck. I thought about it for a minute as I rested my head against the rumbling glass in the door. "If they knew she was with someone like me before you all knew, they'd react badly, wouldn't they?" I asked.
"They would," Frank admitted. "I can tell she's trying to play it cool and not seem overly close to you in front of them."
"So that's the reason you're all not laying everything out for them?" I said out loud.
Frank spoke truthfully, "The Wicklows… yes. The rest of us… no. Eleanor has made it adamantly clear that you're with us from now until she says otherwise." Frank let out a real hardy laugh, "Honestly, I don't think anyone else's opinion of you matters to her anymore. The Wicklows are protecting Autumn and Eleanor by keeping certain secrets, too. We don't know how the rest of the family would react to knowing about how close you were with Autumn or bringing El back to life. It's just too hard to explain it all to them yet. Hell! We don't even know how you did it." Frank laughed loudly in the truck, definitely still a little buzzed. "So, for now, we are all keeping certain things under wraps. Get them acclimated, and then slowly feed them more details."
"Gotcha," I understood.
"Our family's very close, as I'm sure you've noticed. Even our extended family, who we don't see that often. We all want what's best for one another with the life we lead, and not all of them might be okay with you… Not at first anyway. Don't get me wrong, though, Sam. We do want you around. You grew into this family, and you're one of us! We're keeping your secret so we can keep you with us." He didn't say it, but I knew he was talking about Caydee… and my family.
I nodded at his honesty, thankful that Eleanor and Carter had told them all to keep her name and their existence a secret.
I was happy with what he said, but it was still my usual story, just staying on the outer fringe of everything and everyone as they all lived their lives. I was meant for things other than a typical family and a normal life, even though that is what I still craved more than the kills of the monster.
We were silent in the truck as we bounced down a bumpy, low-lit road.
"You can let me out here," I offered in the silence of the night.
"You sure?" Frank asked as he slowed down on the side of the highway.
"Yeah, you don't have to go all the way out here. I can walk the rest of the way," I assured him.
"I don't mind," Frank asserted. He could tell I was having some kind of emotional crack rip through my usually thick wall.
"Yeah. I need the walk," I told him as I thought about Autumn, and the possibility of not having the same closeness I once did with her. Also, the internal struggle of hating myself for thinking I could do and have these things with normal people still. It had started building on me.
"Okay," he agreed as his tires came fully to a stop.
I opened the door and started preparing to leave him in the middle of that dark road. His cab light was the only luminance out there, lighting our conversation up for a moment on the side of a secluded shoulder.
"If you ever just want to get out of there and meet up, call me. You can come over anytime. I'll always have a few of those nasty Coronas for you," Frank smiled. "You don't have to stay alone all the time."
I stopped my exit from his truck, looking back at him. I hoped I wouldn't regret what I was about to say, "Yeah… I'd like that."
"Well, hop back in, kid," Frank said enthusiastically. "We can head back to my place and have a few more beers. The night's still young."
I had a moment where I just stood there, almost swimming in self-pity. The thoughts of everything I had and was scared to lose weighed heavily on me. Then, I took the offer without thinking. I just wanted to be close with the family, no matter what that looked like. Then, I got back in the old truck.
It was only another couple of minutes after Frank dropped his truck down into the grassy median and busted a U-turn, illegally, and shot down a low-lit road close to Carter's house. Next thing I knew, we were at Frank's. He didn't live that far from Carter at all.
We both stepped out of the dying pickup and walked through a dusty yard to his front door. Frank's front yard was a small patchwork of grass tucked out in a light patch of woods. He had a makeshift campfire in his front yard, sitting on a bed of dirt. I could tell the grass was missing all around his fire pit from the constant treading of feet. He must have sat out at the fire most nights, probably with others. There was an axe buried deep in a flattened tree stump with dozens of pieces of pre-chopped firewood sitting around in stacks.
"Have a seat," Frank offered, pointing to a large section of a felled tree. There were four of them equally spaced around the fire. "I'll run in and get some drinks."
I sat on the log and looked up into the abyss above as Frank disappeared into the house. I felt the monster swimming behind my eyes. I felt it rattling against the cage again, inside of my soul. I thought about what was happening to me lately. I wondered why the monster pushed me as much as it had been. What was different? Was it me? Was it getting stronger? Was it from being close to Autumn? Maybe it was all the kills from the visions. Jon had said that the entity needed it to be strong. Was that what I was feeling?
Frank arrived again with a metal bucket that was full of ice and assorted beer.
"Take your pick," he offered.
I stayed there with Frank for about two hours. We just talked. I felt like I was sitting with an old friend, reliving old times. He talked a lot about Jane, some about Carter, Autumn, and Eleanor, and towards the end, he bad-mouthed Zeke again. He didn't dig too deep into my strange situation. I could tell he wanted to, but he wouldn't ask.
I could hear footsteps at one point in the night that were approaching through the woods. It shot me into an alert state, but then I caught the scent that flowed past my nose. It was Jane.
"I didn't realize we were going to have company," Jane's voice appeared behind me, transiting the darkened forests on foot, just as I did.
"Jane… honey bunch," Frank teased like they were the average suburban couple. He attempted to jump up, stumbling a little from the alcohol.
"Francis… how much have you had to drink?" Jane asked with concern, then eyed me intently. She used his full name, too, so I knew she was worried. It was kind of funny, too.
My initial thought was that she didn't like the thought of Frank alone with me. But… I think she liked me more than I realized. I did a lot for the Chasses, and that included Frank.
"He's had almost all of them," I motioned over to the empty beers we had tossed into the dirt. "They don't really affect me by themselves, so I'm drinking slowly," I grinned. "No need to waste them. I'm only on my second."
"I drank all of those," he laughed. "You asshole."
I laughed out loud, just a little. "Sorry, I thought you realized. No reason for me to drink too fast. I need that yellow dust Martin has if I want to feel it."
"Blazing Star affects you?" Jane asked as she steadied the stumbling Frank, taking a seat beside him.
"Yeah. Martin gave me some a while back and I hit it pretty hard for a while," I admitted. "Fell into a bit of a spiral."
"That's interesting," Jane said, really intrigued.
"Yeah, especially since silver doesn't do anything to you…" Frank spoke next.
"Sorry I'm late," Jane looked at Frank intently.
"Better late than never," Frank smiled.
They leaned in and kissed each other quickly. They looked very happy with each other. I could tell that they both had wanted this for a very long time. Now that they had it, they were enjoying every second of it. They weren't taking anything for granted.
"How did everything go with your cousins?" Jane asked.
Frank rolled his eyes, "As good as we hoped… but you know them…" Frank made a farting noise with his mouth. "Sometimes Zeke is just a bitch!"
Jane and I both laughed lightly at Frank's words. Then she looked at me.
"Thank you, Sam. What you did for my family, bringing Bran back like that. I didn't think we'd get to bury him." Jane spoke very seriously.
I nodded to her, unsure what to say. It was always weird for me when people thanked me. I felt like I didn't deserve thanks after all the killing. Sometimes I thought the good things I did were so outweighed by the murders that I could never break even.
"Can I ask you two a question?" I interrupted.
"Shoot, bud," Frank quickly agreed.
"What do you think about me?" I asked. "Be as brutally honest as you can!" I wanted his real truth, and not some sugar-coated version to spare my feelings or keep me calm.
They both looked at each other on their side of the fire, curious why I asked such a thing out of the blue. I waited for their responses. They took deep breaths as they prepared their thoughts for my serious question.
Frank began, "I think you're a threat to everything we know."
Ouch. I didn't expect that. But then he continued.
"The rules don't apply to you like other creatures, and you've done things that no one else can…" Frank was looking into his mind as he spoke, remembering everything about me that made him say these things. "If I had to say one thing to describe you, it would be that," I braced myself for his opinion, "you're a good soul."
I wasn't expecting that after his initial blasts.
"I agree," Jane nodded calmly. "In the end, you don't kill and end the good in the world. That's what monsters do. They live for themselves… You don't."
"When El told us what happened, once she remembered, it shook me hard, man," Frank spoke openly. "When she told us that you gave up your own life so she could come back…" he just shook his head. "Then, she said you had a family… a kid?" he almost whispered it, knowing I didn't like to talk about it after telling Eleanor and Carter to keep it a secret.
I nodded at the ground, never speaking as they talked.
"Could you have gone back, really?" Jane asked.
I nodded again, taking a sip of the beer to take my eyes off them. I felt exposed as we talked about these things so honestly. "That's the word… but how true it was… I don't know."
"The others in that place… You don't trust them?" Frank asked about Jon, the entity, and the fields.
"I don't know…"
"Regardless of whether it was real or not, a monster wouldn't do that, Sam," Frank said it slowly, really wanting me to understand how he thought. "I know that's one of the reasons you've been gone all this time. Not just the visions. You think you're a monster, and you don't know how to be around us. But you were with us before, and I felt like, even though you weren't honest about what you were, that person we knew back then was you. Now, we only see glimpses of that guy."
I nodded again, more to myself this time. "It's hard not to think about the cards I've been dealt, and the things I feel inside of me, what it wants me to do. A lot of the time, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Should I even be around you guys…"
"Yes, you should," Jane answered, shockingly. "Just the fact that you have saved their lives. Autumn, Eleanor, Allen, and Eloise; these are lives you have saved for the family. If you weren't around, you wouldn't have been able to do that. If you leave, you won't be able to protect them, and continue to do that." Jane explained bluntly, "I was on that path for a long time." Jane looked at Frank apologetically. "I can tell you that it's not worth it. You lose too much time that you can't get back." She looked back at me, "I've met my share of monsters, Sam, ones that have tried to worm their way into our pack. They're cruel, selfish, and evil. You are the opposite."
"You're something, Sam, something we don't know or understand. We all have a lot of fears about what that could be, and what it could mean someday…" Frank shook his head as he looked internally. "But to me, to Carter and our family, you're one of us. Stop doubting that."
They stopped talking, and I stopped talking. All three of us just sat in the flickering light of the campfire and listened to the cold breeze blow between the trees. It was cold as winter was coming back, but the fire was enough to keep it comfortable.
"What about Autumn?" I asked. As soon as I said the words, I felt like it was a mistake. But there was no taking it back.
Frank looked back up at me, "Autumn is my niece. I love her like my own, and I want only two things for her: to be safe and happy. If you can give her those things… then I have no problem with that…" Frank's opinion soothed a hardened part of my soul that kept me away. "Now, others will have their opinions… like Zeke." He looked at Jane, kissing her lips one more time, "But like me… I don't give a fuck what he thinks."
Jane smiled. I could see that it made her very happy that Frank didn't care that others did not approve of her. His acceptance of her, no matter what other people thought, made Jane latch onto Frank emotionally like she needed him for air. I could see it in her eyes as he spoke.
"But…" Frank added, "Autumn has to make that decision for herself. I don't know how to read her lately, and she was pretty torn up after everything that happened when we found out about you. She won't admit it, but she blamed herself for El dying, for you making the trade, and then leaving for all those months. She took everything pretty hard," Frank said. "I don't know what she's doing with Patrick, but we think it's all bullshit."
Jane admitted, "It is very out of character for Autumn. She's been different these last few months."
I had never thought about what happened to her with everything. I knew what I gave up, and that had blocked out the majority of everything else. Every time I had seen Autumn after the trade, she was feeling somehow responsible for it, and for everything that followed. I had no idea and never thought to ask how she was doing.
I felt like I could see a new light shining down on her. How could she blame herself for any of it? It was I who made the decision, and it was I who told the lies. I wish I could talk to her… I wanted to tell her it was okay, and it wasn't her fault. I needed to figure out a way to have our talk. I might have to be a little creative and force the meeting sooner.
It was almost daylight, and we three had been sitting out at the dwindling fire all night as we talked about the recent events. Jane and Frank asked about the specifics of my trip to get Allen, how I knew he was alive, and where he was. I told them I didn't know how it worked, I just saw his picture and could feel he was alive, and I just followed that feeling in my mind until I saw him. It was almost like a high-frequency compass or something. But I couldn't recreate it.
The being from the fields came up in conversation, but I kept that part light. He was still such a mystery to me that I didn't want to tell them much since I didn't know jack shit, in all reality.
"I guess I should head out," I said, brushing the dirt off my pants as I stood.
"Yeah," Frank said as well, "I should probably get some rest, too. Carter's going to want me functional at work, and at this point, I'm thinking about calling in. I don't think he'll fire me," he laughed.
Jane stood with Frank, and they came in to give me a light hug.
"Thanks for everything, Sam. We really can't say it enough," Jane smiled. "Allen and Eloise are doing well with us so far. They're still a bit wilder than most of my family, but we'll get them adjusted. They'll be just fine."
Frank grabbed me tight, "Come over again, kid. Anytime you want, just text me so I know to be here."
"I will," I patted his back. "Thanks for the talk. I feel better about certain things than I did before. "
"You're welcome, Sam," Frank said.
"I'll see you guys later," I waved.
I was walking through the small trees and on a road. When no cars were blazing past, I bounded across the multiple lanes of highway to the other side of the road. Then, the thick trees swallowed me and didn't spit me out until I made it to the safehouse.
I walked back to my house slowly. I took my time, thinking about my night with all of them, and of what I had felt and said.
I paced the woods as I stayed inside my thoughts. I felt a buzz in my pocket earlier in the night and had never checked it. As soon as I stepped over some protruding roots at the base of a tree, I looked to see Autumn's name appear on my screen. It was a text message.
'Hey, I didn't get to say goodbye.' Autumn texted me once she had realized I was gone and got a free minute.
I wanted to text her back, but I couldn't. The next time I spoke to her, I wanted it to be in person. I had to look her in the eyes when I told her that she had no blame in what had happened with her mother, me, or my decisions; all of that was on me, and me alone.
In the shadows of the woods, in the cold of the early morning, I had so many questions. There were many things I needed answered. What was the right thing to do? Should I be putting myself back around the Chasse family?
Everything boiled down to one question that I still needed an answer for. It was the same question that seared itself into my thoughts since the very moment I first opened my eyes to this new life…
"What am I?" I asked myself.