Content Warning: This work, but more specifically, this prologue, explores themes of depression, hopelesness and suicide.
If you are not in the best moment of your life, please do not read this, or if you still wish to, do it with caution, please.
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Stop right there.
I want to speak with you.
Although, you will only be here, listening to the ramblings of a madman reflecting on this world's true nature.
Before beginning, let us set a rule in stone.
You are not allowed to compare me to him.
Permanently isolated.
Away from everything and everyone, yet so close.
Observing all from my little corner, I have only one question for you:
Could you repeat this to the mirror, without lying?
«I am completely satisfied with myself and with the life that I currently have.»
If you asking yourself whether you're allowed to contemplate under that sentence... Yes, you may.
Because even if you gainsay with a "Yes", that flicker of doubt has already proven my point.
That lie might work with others, or even with you, but I am undeceivable.
Within my corner, all lies within my sight, all bends to my inexistent hand and all yields to my understanding.
Your satisfaction is nothing but a blatant farce, makeup you conveniently put on each morning.
Because if you stood before me, you would give a million excuses—just like the ones before you, and the thousands before them.
All of them, without exception, believed that this emptiness —that chokes you in fleeting moments— was nothing else but an exaggerated feeling.
"I'm fine, just tired." —you repeat to others, over and over.
The truth is, that most of the time, you have no idea of what is actually happening.
I can see you, awake at the crack of dawn, taking a deep breath as you brace yourself to sweep your concerns under the rug and endure the day without showing weakness.
Stuck in traffic, whether driving or not, asking yourself if what awaits you in the future is... just this.
I can see you, staring into the mirror, shrinking back in disgust at your own reflection. Forever condemned as "the funny friend".
Or lying in bed, eyes fixed on the ceiling, sleepless as those intrusive thoughts keep drilling into your skull.
I can see you again.
This time, stealing ten seconds of false peace before stepping through the door of your home, your school, your university or your workplace.
Drinking that insipid cup of coffee, more out of habit than desire.
Scrolling through other people's perfect lives, unconsciously searching for whatever will make you feel even more worthless, even more of a failure.
Uploading the only tolerable picture out of a hundred.
And deleting it minutes later, because "you thought it would look better".
I can see you, desperately trying to escape this monotony that infects your life.
And then, one day, you wake up and simply say:
"Stop."
"Please."
"I can't go on anymore."
And yet, here you are, still breathing.
Clenching your fists, grinding your teeth.
Silently cursing the fact that you depend on pills just to sleep.
Somehow, somewhere deep inside, you still cling to that futile hope that one day things might change.
Why you?
Why is it that no matter how much you silently cry for help, no one ever comes?
Why does it always feel like everything —and everyone — despises you?
Why can't it all just shut up?!
...
...
...
...
...
..
.
Yes.
That's it.
Silence.
The only decision that will always be yours.
Believe it or not, you can claim that silence that you crave — right here, right now.
It is not cowardice.
How can they call you a coward, when they never once offered a hand the moment you most wanted to fight back?
...
I am sorry that I couldn't help you with that.
Sadly, you do not exist within my corner.
I just hope that someday, you find the courage that you currently lack...Or the answers that you are searching for...
If they were ever truly yoursto begin with.
It would be pitiful that my fatalist rambling had manipulated you into a path you did not choose, wouldn't it?
Now, that you've lingered for a while in the thoughts of a madman... I will repeat the question, once more:
«Do you truly feel satisfied?»