I could barely walk, the stretched corridor was long and empty. The night's cool air heated against my skin. The jacket felt heavy around my waist, covering the dampness of my backside, the package smelled of fresh fried chicken.
My mind was loud, but the hallway was silent,
Every wall felt like it held a pair of eyes staring at me. As I walked down the stairs and out of the male hostel, it felt like I should run my way to my hostel.
I was telling myself that I'd drop the jacket at the door together with the food package, but my petty ass carried them all the way to my hostel.
As i opened my room, I thought Jenny (the bookworm) should be asleep as usual, but Jenny was seated on her bed with a book opened on her lap. "Ahhh" I sighed,
"Rue….. "What are you carrying? "Jenny's voice cut the silence.
My throat went dry. I tried to look casual, but my breaking guilty voice betrayed me. "It's….. Nothing" i said as I approached my bed.
" And whose jacket is that," Jenny said, raising an eyebrow, "I told you it's nothing." I snapped at her in an unpleasant manner that made me ashamed of myself.
Jenny blinked by surprise at my tone, and went silent for a while, raised her hand in surrender and said "it's fine if you don't want to talk about it….but don't bite my head off."
"I'm sorry" I said in a soft tone.
I sat down on the edge of my bed sighing heavily and kept the package on the desk.
Jenny's curiosity didn't dim. "Well….at least you should tell me where you got this package."
Jenny said, tilting her head towards the package.
" Foodie… eat it if you want," I said with a little smile," but I still couldn't meet Jenny's eyes.
Jenny frowned… stepping closer. "That's not an answer" but curiosity led her still, pulling the lid her eyes widened open.
" Chicken and fries,...where did you get this by this ungodly hour?....." Jenny asked with a confused face.
"I said if you want it.. Eat it right" finally meeting her eyes, I immediately looked away. The moment she locked in mine, i had no courage to put my guilty eyes in hers, else my eyes would disappoint me and say it all.
"Rue?... look at me, what happened you look guilty" Jenny said, sounding like my mom. She plucked a fry from the package and sat back on her bed, chewing slowly, her eyes still on leaving me.
I stood up, looking down and untied the jacket from my waist. The moment I turned to spread the jacket on a chair, Jenny's sharp breath intake stopped me. "Rue what's that?"
"What's what again?" I said with a sharper tone.
Jenny pointed at my backside. "That… there's a stain on your dress" she gestured awkwardly towards my backside.
My stomach dropped. I twisted slightly, as if I could see it myself, but I didn't need to. The look on Jenny's face told me enough.
My chest tightened, shame burning through me. I yanked the blanket from my bed and wrapped it around myself, sitting down quickly, and turning my face away.
Jenny's voice softened again. "Rue… what happened?"
I didn't answer. The silence in the room grew heavier with each passing second, and it felt like the earth should just swallow me right there.
I slipped under my blanket, turning to the wall.I couldn't touch the food or take a sip of water . My stomach was in knots, twisting too tightly for hunger.
But that was just the minor battle I faced that night.
Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him. His face. His hands. The look in his eyes when I was leaving, the moment he was tying the jacket around my waist, the memory of his closeness right above me like a roof.
I didn't know what i felt. Fear? Desire? Both tangled so tightly I couldn't separate them. What terrified me the most was the realization that I didn't want to push the memory away. I didn't want to forget him, not even the parts that scared me.
I kept on asking and speaking to myself "is this how a virgin is supposed to react to fear? Oh no, that's definitely desire, but i barely know him. How can it be desire? I've never had this discharge before, why tonight?"
I stood up and reached to the jacket and took it to my side in bed, the faint scent of his cologne still rising from it.
My heart is still unsettled. I pulled the blanket tighter and forced my eyes shut, though sleep didn't come easily.
I didn't know when I fell asleep, but the sunlight coming in vaguely through the window told me it was morning already and I woke up.
The food package was half empty, still on the desk and Jenny was gone, maybe already in class.
I sat up slowly, my body heavier than usual and my mind hadn't cleared, got into the shower and took a long warm shower to get my mind and body a little bit fit and wash away my negative thoughts.
I felt a little bit better from the outside, but my mind and heart were still wrapped round last night.
There was nothing to eat, so i warmed the remaining fries and chicken Jenny left and ate them. It tasted good.
I carried the weight of the night like a shadow, following me even as I stepped out of the room.
I walked toward class, each step pulling me closer to the unknown, and the thought of me barging into somebody.
I knew there would be nobody to barge into that I was scared of except him.
I kept feeding myself that I was not scared of him, but every moment those burning eyes he owns locked into mine, everything I ever said to myself or thought of erased.