I stood in front of the same tree on the same hill but it didn't feel right without him. Tightening my grip on the straps of my pack watching as mother double checked the contents one last time. Dried fruit and meat, water, bandages, salve jars, antitoxins.
Mothers hands moved swiftly, but her face…her face was composed in that specific way that only meant she was barely holding it together.
I heard my father from the other room. "Check it again."
mother responded quickly "I did, Twice." Still, she did. I think my father was showing his nervousness in his own way.
Father stepped back into the room with a leather wrapped bundle, he placed it into my arms with quiet reverence. "You remember the form drills?" I just nodded confirmation. 'For some reason talking makes me feel sick.'
I undid the leather revealing the rapier 'silver veined' with a swept hilt shaped like a dancing flame. It was the very one mother had used and trained me in. freshly oiled and sharpened.
I felt mother kneel beside me "listen to me, Cassia."
I turn to look at her.
"You're going to feel things in there you are not ready for, Echo Streams… they don't just test your might. They peel you open and show you who you are."
My voice was barely above a whisper when I asked a question. I already knew the answer to "Will it be the same as Anecus's?"
My mother's eyes become glossy at the mention of Anecus. "No, It'll be yours. Only yours." I looked behind mother to see Naia sitting next the fire like a songbird who forgot how to sing.
She had not spoken much since Anecus vanished. Her shoulder held a tension that was beyond her, 'like a string just before it snaps.'
I felt fathers giant calloused hands rest on my shoulder "you will enter the Echo with much more prep and training than I ever had, you will survive." for some reason that comforted me and made me angry at the same time.
No one had ever said it but I know my father was powerful, more than normal. Sadly even he wasn't strong enough to stop this. I wanted to ask him to pull Anecus out…or to rip a hole in reality and go clear our Echo's for us.
The only thing I could do was put on brave words "if I can survive Anecus can too."
The light in the sky had not seemed to change all day, the clouds hung still. The wind is soft but somehow cold as I overheard my father talking with uncle Rennen the other day, twentythree already confirmed failures.
Many of the parents of those who failed created memorials for their children in the center of town.
Some however…some followed after their children.
The thought of the grief I'd cause mom and dad by not making it instilled some determination I needed.
Looking through the window toward the fig tree I reached for the leaf I'd plucked earlier, tucking it into the strap of my bag. It was a small superstition…something Anecus would always carry during practice.
---
"That's not it either!"
Anecus had been cycling through different types of emotions, philosophical beliefs and ways of being. Even trying to put certain concepts into actionable reality. All in an attempt that one of them would act as the bridge that'd allow him to touch his soul.
His latest attempt involved hope and what hope feels like, the longing it can create. He tried using that as a bridge, but…nothing.
I looked up at the lantern with its blue glow starting to grow on me, giving it thanks for keeping Malice at bay. It was half tempting to bring it on a hunt the sight of my ribs made the idea all the more pressing.
'But carrying my only safe zone into unknown enemy terrain, while also not knowing how it works, yeah not smart.'
After another failed experiment that involved the idea of stoicism Anecus lay on his back against the warm stone, arms flopped beside himself. The sky above still looked like crushed pearl moving like waves hiding horrors he was no ready for.
He twirled the reflective piece of obsidian between his fingers tilting it just enough to catch it again, and there it was. shifting between shapes it wanted him to need. One moment 'Naia the next, father then mother and lastly Cassia.' Then no one, back to its writhing formless mass.
"It feels alive." too alive to not have a soul, but when I reached even tentatively there was nothing, no pulse, no thrum of a soulcore.
Blinking slowly 'it feels like it should have one'. I've felt the soul of a dying beetle a crying child, fallen beasts and Malice?
Nothing.
I stared longer into the reflection 'Everything here is false. The false sky, the false faces, the creature who made its name in hunger and hatred. 'No soul…Or maybe it was so crushed so burie even I can't find it.'
A chill spread up his spine from understanding. 'I don't know which is worse. That Malice was somehow a creature with no soul. Or that it once had one and chose to be this.'
Clapping his hands together "ok! Back to work." knees drawn eyes closed he tried another method. 'Fulfillment, more specifically self actualizations and existentialism…man I'm really beginning to appreciate moms lessons.'
Like all the others before, from the top. 'What is fulfillment?' It's more than just feeling satisfied with something. I believe it's linked to fulfilling one's potential and realizing one's full abilities adding a sense of significance to one's aspirations.
Then there's the second component, Choices. The freedom to choose our actions, thoughts and perspectives. Finding meaning in those choices, having those choices align with your potential to help navigate life's challenges.
Taking in a deep breath, 'so how the hell do I take all that and boil it down into a single feeling and make it pliable?'