What is the concept of nothing? Is what I'm not seeing truly nothing? Is what I'm not feeling truly nothing?
I exist, so there cannot be nothing. I feel weird, but only because… I feel nothing at all. I'm experiencing nothing at all.
Not the tingle of limbs, not the darkness of shut eyes, not the migraine of a brain, nor the cold I've grown so used to.
But, I think. So, there cannot be nothing. But, why do I think? Why is there nothing but thoughts?
I can feel nothing. I can see nothing. But, I can think.
Why has every sensation left me? Leaving only the burden of thinking behind?
Was it to be at peace? To experience the freedom of thought, without the constraints of reality. To relieve my mind from the grounded burdens that come with a body.
It's an interesting thought. Because I think. But why do I think? That is a more interesting thought.
I can think without feeling, and I can feel what I think. But the answer of why, alludes to anger. I can feel anger. I think. I anger because I can think, but I don't know why.
I can't feel, but I can think. But when I think about why I can think, I feel… emotions? Is that the same?
Like a paradox.
Have I stopped to think? Perhaps… I'm not supposed to know why I think. A paradox has no answer.
Perhaps… that is nothing. A question with no answer — a paradox. Everything has an answer; everything has something. There is an answer. There is no nothing… except a paradox.
A something with nothing. They gave 'nothing' a name. Two names, in fact. 'Nothing' and 'paradox'.
Why do I think?
Right. I can see nothing, I can feel nothing.
…
Black.
I now see black. My view of nothing, has become something.
I'm surrounded by black, like the shutting of eyes.
Despite that, I am not here.
I can feel nothing. But I can see. I can think.
…
A minute has passed.
That's weird.
Two minutes have passed.
Time is just a concept, yet I can sense it.
Why can I sense it? Another paradox? I don't understand.
Despite that, I am not here.
I can feel nothing. But I can see. I can think. And all along, I could tell time.
…
A flash of red.
Colour!
I turn my thoughts toward the flash of red, but it is gone.
A minute passes.
There, again! The flash of red, right in my sight.
To the right, another flash.
The flashes stay.
Two red orbs, side by side, floating. Right in front of me, they glow radiantly. Their deep red colour instills in me a sense of dread.
Like floating eyes. Staring at me, into my Will. My core. The eyes were familiar, like something I had grown to recognise. To accept.
The eyes… were mine. They glowed brighter than usual, but they were unmistakable. The glowing pair of eyes was mine. They were staring at me, watching me, reading me, judging me, analyzing me, burning into me. It stares. And I stared back.
My mind grew heavy, the red eyes flicked, before disappearing. When they appeared again… they were blue.
A forgotten blue. A lost, but recognizable blue. A blue… that made me reminisce.
It was my blue. The eyes were my old eyes, before the Bond. Before the Kieriki. Before everything changed.
The eyes of my old life. They brought a tear to my eye.
I felt cold.
…I… felt…
Looking down, a body much like mine revealed itself to me.
Only, it wasn't perfect. Merely an imitation. A recreation. A poorly made husk.
Cracks struck across my body of ice. Sharp protrusions and hollows littered my body, maring my form.
The glow of my eyes, my red eyes, reflected off the frost, reminding me of what has changed. I looked up. At the blue eyes, reminding me of what I've lost.
How unfortunate.
But that doesn't mean it's bad.
I blinked the tear away as the glowing blue eyes faded.
This is who I am now, and I'll make the most of it.
In a rush of wind, many more flashes of light struck by. My hair of ice, flowing in the stream. My body glowed in the torrent of colours.
Shifting my gaze toward their origins, the array of colours came fast and plentiful. Creating a tunnel, washing away the darkness.
Whether from the motion of the tunnel of lights, or my body actually moving, it felt like I was falling through it. Picking up speed by the second.
The perpetual cold grew stronger with the fall. The faster I moved, the colder I became.
Looking behind me, the tunnel of light converged, colliding into a white light, brighter than any colour.
The white extended up the colours, spreading like the wave of an explosion. Growing closer to me by the second. When it reached me, a visible shockwave knocked me, sending me falling through the tunnel faster.
With the shockwave came sound. A piercing ring that assaulted my ears.
Even with my dire speed, the wave of white light continued to spread faster. Until it consumed the whole tunnel.
As I watched the last of the colour fade from the tunnel, becoming anemic, all sense of direction was lost, once again. The solitary shade lacked all depth.
The cold eased a bit, but only to bring the sensation of nerves. My whole body exploded with faint prickling and tingling.
The ringing grew louder before fading. Shying away to leave room for a separate noise. A softer noise. An understandable, almost legible rhythm of inflection.
A voice.
When the rhythm of noise sounded more like a mumble of words, the tunnel of white faded.
Not into nothing, but into colour. Dull spots of colour that resembled shapes. Blurry at first, but getting sharper by the second.
As the wall of white faded more, and the shapes looked more like objects, I felt the light touch of pressure. My eyelids lightly strained to keep my eyes in a half-closed-half-opened state.
Opening my eyes fully, my eyelids twitching, sending waves of pained stinging down the muscles of my face.
My vision was no longer blurry, but the mumble of voices stayed just that. A mumble.
I was in a white, rectangular room. The Med Room on the Training Floor, I realised.
Lying on one of the beds, my whole body quaked. My muscles spasmed slightly, with no way to calm or control them. My perpetual cold was strong, but nothing compared to the stinging tingling of my nerves and muscles. Even though I couldn't control the movements of my ever-shaking body, each twitch reverberated with the piercing of ripped muscles.
To my right, sitting on a metal stool, was Leo, speaking to someone to my left. Leo's body language indicated he was agitated.
Painfully moving my head to the left, sending stings of pain down my neck, jaw, and upper chest, Sir Chiron stood a few feet away. Staring down at a parchment in hand, speaking back to Leo with a composed demeanor.
My movements must have attracted the two. They stopped all bickering and focused solely on me. Leo rolled the stool closer, resting his arms on the bed.
'Rin! Can you hear me? Well, not "Hear" me, but understand me?' Leo's head moved in communication, but his mouth made no such movements. I could 'hear' him in my head. But it still sounded like him.
'What?' I thought.
Seemingly ignoring me, he 'spoke' again, 'Focus some of your essence towards the communicating part of your brain—the front. Only a little, you don't want it to hemorrhage.' He explained.
Drawing a small amount of essence from my core, it sluggishly made its way to my brain. The vibrations of its movement easily trackable through the feeling of cold liquid traveling through my body.
Reaching my head, I let it spread over the front part of my brain.
I swear, I could smell and taste blue.
A slight humming echoed in my ears… that also sounded like blue.
'Blue.' I thought.
Leo's lips curled in a smile. Giggling lightly to himself. 'Good! That means you can hear me, right?' Leo tilted his head in presumption. 'It takes some getting used to.' He nudged his head towards Sir Chiron. 'I guess we never fully explained what Sir Chiron does for the house. He's also a Mind-Will Holder. He's allowing us to communicate. He is head healer and trainer. Instructing both Support Holders and Sentinels.'
I shifted my eyes towards Sir Chiron. Even that small movement brought pain. 'Huh, fascinating.' I thought.
Sir Chiron lowered his head in a respectful bow. 'It is good to see you awake and well, Disciple Rin.'
Shifting my eyes back to Leo, I… thought again, 'What… happened?'
Leo scratched the back of his head, chuckling nervously. 'Haaa, about that. Why don't we start with the present?'
Through the pain, I nodded my head in agreement. 'Sure.'
'First things first,' Leo raised his index finger to his ear, 'You and I are both deaf—only temporarily!' He quickly corrected himself, waving his hands in alarm.
'How?' I ask.
'It's because we Fatigued our Will so much. Well, I Fatigued my Will… youuu… as result of being my punching bag. Sir Chiron could only do so much for Fatigue, and you sustained a lot of injuries. My core is tired, your core is tired, and as you know, a large part of the healing comes from our own essence.'
Not wanting to bring upon more pain to myself, I hold a straight face. But my thoughts are anything but relaxed. 'I'm confused, how could it have been this bad if I only blacked out? I barely used my Will.'
There was silence for a long time. Leo and Sir Chiron looked at each other and me sporadically. Clear unease on their face.
Leo shook his head prompting Sir Chiron to step forward.
Sir Chiron's voice entered my head. His face grim. 'Rin… you didn't just pass out. You… died.'
A sharp pain radiated from my chest, more vigorous than any before. My heart beat wildly against my rib cage, sending resounding waves shaking the nearby organs and muscles. The pain shocked me into twitching my limbs, bringing more agony until a guttural grunt ripped my throat. My whole body spasmed in a never-ending cycle of suffering.
Sir Chiron leaned over my writhing body, touching his hand to my head, instantly bringing an end to all the pain. Removing all physical senses in my body. He held it for a second until I stopped moving. Only then did he remove his hand and return to his previous position.
'Are you all right, Disciple Rin?' Sir Chiron asked anxiously.
I took a deep breath. Thankfully, the air down my lungs brought no further pain. Eyeing Sir Chiron fiercely, I spoke, even though I couldn't hear my own voice. My words tearing at my throat, "What happened?"
Sir Chiron responded in my head, 'That is quite the miraculous part, Disciple Rin. Encased in a configuration of ice, you transformed. Into the form of the Kieriki. Somehow, you activated the Transformation cap of your Will. However, you were out of control, attacking Noble Leo in a fit of rage. Fighting in a way that would have ended his life. In defence, Noble Leo responded with a powerful, continuous blast of vibrations. Accidentally stopping your heart. When you died, your Transformation form fell apart into a pile of melted ice, allowing me to restart your heart. I'm afraid… you've been unconscious for almost a day.' Sir Chiron finished. Unable to look me in the eyes.
I snapped my neck towards Leo, ignoring the burning sensation erupting across my neck. My pupils quivering. 'This is all your fault! There was no reason to do all that!' Leo's voice flashed in my mind, but I ignored it. Speaking over him, 'I wanted you to push me, but not that far! Why the playing?! The tricks? Why'd you mess with me?! It was meant to be a spar to test my caps, not… not to kill me.' A painful tear left my eye. Freezing before it could leave my eyelid.
More tears would have come if the water hadn't frozen my eye sockets shut.
Leo's voice rose in my head. Utterly emotionless and seemingly empty of remorse. 'It was self-defence. You were trying to kill me, too.'
'You know that's not what I was talking about.'
'I just… I just wanted to see what you could do against me. I was just having fun.'
'You went. Too. Far.'
Leo didn't respond for a while. I looked towards Sir Chiron, but he shut me off. 'Please. Ignore me, Disciple Rin. This discussion is private. You must work it out with him.'
After half a dozen more seconds, Leo's voice rang out again. His voice was a bit more sorrowful, like he's been planning his reaction. 'Can we… call a truce? I mean, you did try to kill me, too.'
His words caught me off guard. I was expecting something a little more… mournful. But, I guess it was to be expected.
I can't expect much in terms of emotions from any of the Grimwalds… Besides maybe anger, hate, revolt, detest, loathing, despise. On a good day… perhaps awkwardness.
And if I'm going to be spending the rest of my training with them, I need to start an accord somewhere. A first step needs to be taken.
This entire time, I've just been following. Doing whatever was asked. But I was never growing closer to any of them. We are just people forced to be together. So, why shouldn't we change that? Why shouldn't we want to change that? If I'm going to interact with Leo for the rest of my time here, why shouldn't I grow close?
They say, an assassin shouldn't make friends. Well, what about a close associate? A companion?
I painfully raised my right hand, reaching towards Leo, my elbow still resting on the bed. He loosely grabbed it, making sure not to hurt me.
And in that moment, a small, but unbreakable bond was formed. Imperceptible, but undoubtedly there.
That was until the bastard squeezed! Only slightly, but it brought unbearable pain.
The bond was still unbreakable, but it was no longer as strong.
He'd have to earn it back.
While the anger of the duel with Leo lingered, curiosity was mightier. 'So, what was my Transformation like?'
Leo let go of my hand, his eyes widened in surprise. 'You don't remember?'
'No, I blacked out, remember.' I shot him a disapproving look. 'The only thing I can recall was wanting nothing more than to rip you apart.'
Leo gave a half-confident chuckle. 'I mean, it was alright… I guess.' He said nonchalantly.
'Just alright?! That's it! Was I at least close to getting back at you?'
Leo grinned viciously. 'Ha, as if. Sure, you were faster and stronger, and taller, and creepier' –he shivered when thinking about the look of the kieriki— 'so, so creepy. But you were still pretty weak. You couldn't have killed me even if you did have control. In fact, especially if you had control. It didn't give you much of a boost in power at all. I mean, any lesser man would have been overwhelmed, but not the mighty Leo!' He flexed, flaunting his might. His arm muscles drooped from Fatigue.
'Seriously!' I thought, perplexed. 'Why not? I thought Transformations were supposed to be an ace.'
Leo just shrugged his shoulders. 'Dunno? Chalk it up to your weak Aura and untrained Will. Its strength is your strength after all.' Leo looked at Sir Chiron, widening his eyes questioningly. 'Sir Chiron?'
'I am unsure.' He responded, dejected. 'Although the better question is why Rin can Transform? It is definitely something we'd have to look into.'
Leo and I eyed him suspiciously.
'What?' Sir Chiron takes a moment to look at us. Responding with an innocent look.
'You're the one who spends a lot of his time around other Lords. You're seriously telling me you've never heard of curious stories?' Leo asked.
'Curious? Yes. Rin curious? Not in the slightest.' Sir Chiron shakes his head, waving Leo's remark away.
'Well… any ideas?' I ask.
'None,' Sir Chiron confirmed, 'My only hypothesis would be related to an unusual occurrence when you Bonded with the Beast. But even that is reaching thin. Even if humans are constantly having curious Bonds with Beasts.' Sir Chiron closely observed my face during his explanation.
Despite barely making expressions to avoid the pain, he must have noticed some hesitation. 'Something to share, Disciple Rin?'
Caught in thought, I was stumped on what to say. I didn't want to expose everything about my Bond with the Beast, yet. But I couldn't just say a paradox, I mean… nothing.
Did I really have a choice, though? Sir Chiron is literally in my head!
Damn, I have to say something.
Speaking up, I hesitantly rolled my mind through each word, 'I could hear… a voice, from my Will. I think. Like it was talking to me. It… wanted me to kill you.' I looked towards Leo.
'Well, that's unsettling.' He gulped.
'You spoke to your Will?' Sir Chiron asked, shocked.
I slowly nodded my head.
He stood up straight… straighter than before–and calmly caressed his chin in thought.
'It… somewhat sounds like a Shared Bond.' He said after a few seconds. Speaking slowly, afraid he would sound foolish.
'A Shared Bond?'
It was Leo who answered, 'A Shared Bond is a Bond that takes place when the Beast is willing to bond with the Holder. Only done with Beasts of a lower Rank. The Bond allows the Beast and Holder to communicate thoughts between each other, despite neither wielding a Mind-Will. There's no downside to doing it, only upsides, actually. Since you gain a Beast that would willingly fight by your side. It's incredibly rare, though. Most Beasts don't willingly give up their souls.'
I nodded in affirmation.
Upon hearing this, Sir Chiron's eyes widened in conjecture. Losing composure, he stepped forward and bent over my bed. 'Disciple Rin. Do you mean to say that the Beast performed a Shared Bond with you?!'
Clearing his throat, he steps back, shaking his head in doubt. 'No, no, but the Beast is dead, we have its corpse. How could it possibly speak with you?'
I don't know if Sir Chiron is right. Whether the Kieriki performed a Shared Bond, or just completely transferred its Will over to me.
'Are there cases of the dead Beast from a Shared Bond continuing to speak to the Holder?' I asked.
'Not as far as I'm aware.' Sir Chiron confirmed. 'This is unquestionably something we must look into! I'll talk to Lord Elgin right away. We'll ask around for such a situation.' Sir Chiron wished me well before dashing out of the room with a subtle glowing smile.
Leo and I watched him leave the room with a hop in his step. As soon as he left, Leo reached for a parchment on the table next to my bed, as well as a Pilchure's Tooth, and began writing something down.
Wincing slightly at the Pilchure's tooth, I was reminded of all the encounters Rose and I had with the Beast. They are very common in the Lower District during summer. Pilchures are Plant Beasts, hard to spot, with camouflage to look like a mound of flowers. The flowers release a toxic spore, although it's not very potent. The most the spores would do is give you an irritating rash on contact, and laboured breathing if inhaled. Their most deadly attack on prey is their bite. The poison in their teeth glands is much more deadly.
If you can't get to a Recovery Holder or get an antidote within 10 minutes, you're probably going to die. Unless you're a high-ranking Holder, of course.
When killed and dissected, and replacing the poison in their glands for ink, they become used as writing utensils.
They're a very cheap form of writing utensil, but the one that Leo was using was inlaid with Sapphire.
When Leo finished writing, he flipped the page around and showed it to me. His handwriting was very messy, almost illegible. You could tell he doesn't spend a lot of time practicing his calligraphy.
'Transformation. Do you think you can do it on command? And not lose yourself?'
When I finished reading the page, I reached out to grab it. Leo carefully handed it to me and provided a hard platform to write on.
Pained to move, and pained to hold the Pilchure's tooth, my hand shook with the stability of a carriage on gravel. The pressure from the tooth on my hand and the page sent shocks all up my arm and my right pec.
As I was writing, only one thing came to mind… perhaps I shouldn't judge Leo for his handwriting.
'Perhaps. Why?' I wrote back quickly. Not wanting to hold the tooth for too long.
Taking the page back, Leo wrote a response.
This is a very tedious form of communication.
I tried to nudge my body to see what he was writing, but the bretch purposefully moved the parchment so I couldn't see.
When he was done, he turned the page with a serious expression on his face. 'You think the Transformation is something you could show during the New Year's Party?'
My eyes widened in realization. Leo… was absolutely right. While a Transformation isn't a cap exclusive to Lords. My conflicting Aura and caps could be enough to get them to consider the possibility!
Written just below the previous question was another line: 'Get your rest. Seems like you'll be needing some time to think.'
When Leo confirmed I read the whole thing, he rose from the stool. Wincing in pain as he did so, it brought a slight grin to my face.
At least he's hurt, too.
Favouring his left side, he carefully lowered himself in a polite bow and left the room. Limping the entire way.
My grin never faltered once.