Peaceful tranquility envelops the cathedral as winter arrives. The once vibrant trees and flowers, now covered in snow, have lost their colors. The sky is blue, the sea is deep, and the land is white. The landscape, reduced to blue and white, might seem monotonous, but I loved even the simplicity of winter.
Perhaps that's why I was captivated by the child born in winter whose name meant 'frost'.
"They said it would snow, but it's just dry."
"Right. There's even a sign warning about fire hazards on the mountain path next to the cathedral."
I took a deep breath and felt the cold winter air fill my lungs. I couldn't remember the last time I inhaled such refreshing air. Thanks to the suddenly clear weather after days of gloom, even the sky seemed to celebrate Sang's birthday today.
"So, how was today? Everyone prepared a lot."
"…Honestly, I was surprised. I didn't expect so many people to come and congratulate me."
"Haha, see, I wasn't the only one eager to throw you a surprise party."
Seeing everyone congratulate Sang made me feel both proud and bitter. I wouldn't be here for his birthday next year.
"Wow…! Look at that sunset."
We headed towards the cliff over the sea to get a closer look at the reddened sky. As I walked confidently to the edge, Sang suddenly grabbed my wrist. He pulled so hard that my body staggered back.
"Ouch."
I turned around, pretending to be in pain, and met his anxious eyes.
"Sang-ah. You're going to leave marks on my wrist."
"Sorry. But…."
"It's fine. Come here and take a look."
I understood his fear but wanted to show him the view that could only be seen from the cliff. When I gently pulled his wrist, he obediently followed. Standing at the cliff's edge, we watched the sun slowly sink below the horizon.
"Isn't it beautiful? Whenever I had too much on my mind, I came here to clear my head."
"…It's too dangerous."
"But it's refreshing. You can't see anything else, just the sea and the sky."
A cold sea breeze blew. But Sang's hand was even colder. Feeling somehow disappointed, I glanced sideways and met his gaze. He was looking at me, not the sunset I had brought you here to see. A helpless laugh escaped me, and my heart fluttered for some reason.
"Stay here for a moment."
When I let go of his hand and turned around, Sang immediately followed.
"Huh? Where are you going?"
"I'll be back soon. I forgot something."
"Let me go with you, then."
"No, it's fine. I'll be quick."
Waving my hand as I ran, Sang stood there like a puppy waiting for its master.
To avoid more unnecessary worry, I hurried into the cathedral's lounge. I opened a locker in the corner and took out a paper bag I had prepared in advance. The knot, tied tightly like a shoelace, looked good, considering I didn't know how to tie a ribbon properly.
"…Will he like it…?"
I hoped he would cherish it. This is both a birthday gift and a farewell gift for Sang.
Although I hadn't told anyone yet, I was leaving on the first train at dawn today. And I wouldn't come back. I would cut off all contact. Everyone knows me by my baptismal name, Johan, and I hadn't listed my residence, so no one would be able to find me. Like the dew that disappears with the morning, I would vanish completely.
I had planned to leave earlier, but human greed knows no bounds. I kept delaying it, telling myself just 'one more month' until finally, winter had arrived. Seeing the snow-covered landscape in the morning made me shiver at my foolishness.
Now, I really had to leave. Still, I had to avoid leaving on the day Sang should be happiest, so I chose the day after his birthday. I questioned whether this was the right choice many times, but it was too late to argue about right and wrong. Even if it's the worst thing I could do, it was also the best choice for both of us.
I was eager to give him the gift, so I ran towards the door.
Thump—!
"Ouch…."
I had been looking only forward and didn't notice someone coming from the side until we collided. My nose tingled from the impact of his arm or stomach, but I immediately checked the gift I was holding. Fortunately, the bag wasn't crumpled. After a sigh of relief, I looked at the person I had bumped into.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you hurt anywhere?"
It was a face I'd never seen before. Was he new to the cathedral? Even though I apologized, he just stared at me blankly. He must've been quite surprised by someone's sudden appearance. Anyway, since he didn't seem hurt, I quickly said goodbye and continued on my way.
When I came out, Sang was standing by the path next to the cathedral.
"Sang-ah. What are you doing there?"
Sang, staring intently at something, finally turned towards me.
"Ah, I thought I heard something down there."
"Huh?"
It was the path to the storage room. Thinking it might be a stray cat, I approached. But the path was empty. Maybe he had tried to follow me into the cathedral, and he had just made an excuse when we bumped into each other. ...No, that couldn't be it.
I murmured softly on purpose, standing next to Sang, who was staring into space.
"Could it be a ghost?"
"Hyung, this is a church."
"Haha, I was just kidding."
Naturally, I handed him the paper bag to change the subject.
"Here, take this."
"What is it?"
"Open it and see."
Why was he so suspicious even when I gave it to him? Sang, slightly nervous, took the bag and untied the ribbon around the handles. As soon as he saw what was inside, his eyes widened in surprise.
"Hyung…"
"It's called a 'Megaminx Cube'. Isn't it amazing?"
Just like when we first met, I gave him a cube. A dodecahedron cube was something I couldn't even attempt, but I knew Sang would figure it out quickly. He stared at the cube silently, and I felt awkward, so I started rambling.
"I wanted to buy you something expensive but didn't know what you wanted. So I thought about it for a long time and ended up buying this. I didn't choose it randomly. So…"
"I know."
Sang took a step forward and hugged me with both arms. I had never been this flustered in front of him before, but this time, I was caught off guard. I stood there, not knowing whether to hug him back or push him away, while he buried his face in my shoulder.
"Thank you, hyung."
When did he get so tall? When we first met just a year ago, he was a head shorter than me. He might even grow taller than me in the future. Anyway, I was glad. I was grateful that I could remain a dependable teacher and hyung until the end.
"Do you like it?"
"Yes, it's the best gift I've ever received."
I felt the strong heartbeat from our chests pressed together. I couldn't tell whose it was, and I didn't want to know. I wished my heart would stop here so my true feelings, hidden behind playful laughter, would never be revealed.
"Wow, you're getting good at saying nice things."
"I'm not just saying it."
"I know. You've always been serious."
And I always joked around with you.
"Hyung…"
"Yes?"
"You'll stay with me, right?"
See? I'm lying even right now.
"Of course I will."
****
Sang, who'd been chatting until dawn, eventually fell asleep. He seemed to be smiling gently, no longer troubled by nightmares. Meanwhile, I wrote a letter and placed it by his bedside. I couldn't leave without a word, as he would surely come looking for me.
[Sang-ah. I'm writing this in case you get worried when you wake up and find me gone. Due to my family circumstances, I have to leave and go far away. I couldn't tell you in person, so I'm leaving this letter. Thank you for everything, and take care.]
I stopped myself from writing that I'd send another letter if I got the chance. Knowing Sang, he would wait forever for a letter that would never come. If he ever hears news about me, it will be the obituary that comes seven years from now.
"…Take care."
With that last goodbye, I left the room. After leaving a letter for the priest who had looked after me, I finished all my arrangements. My steps were surprisingly light. It wasn't a farewell but an escape.
It was still dawn, the sky a pale gray. I headed for the bus stop to catch the first bus to the terminal. The bus was more crowded than I expected. I sat in the very back and stared endlessly at the church fading into the distance.
I thought I could escape smoothly.
Screech—!
Bang—!
It was unclear whether the brakes failed. The bus swerved on the curve and crashed into the guardrail. Unable to withstand the speed, the bus flew over the cliff.
Inside the bus, it was utter chaos.
People were thrown from their seats, hitting the front windshield, and those trying to hold onto the handles fell.
Before I could comprehend what was happening, I hit the door and lost consciousness.
"Ugh…"
How long was I out? I woke up coughing from the suffocating stench of gasoline. The first thing I saw was thick gray smoke everywhere.
The fuel tank must have exploded, causing a fire upon impact. Everything visible was engulfed in flames, turning the scene into hell.
To make matters worse, I couldn't open one eye. Glass shards had pierced it, and my broken arm was numb. The flames crept closer, ready to consume me, but I stayed calm and surveyed my surroundings.
"Hello…?"
I called out to the person sitting across from me, but there was no response. I tried talking to the person behind me and the driver, but the bus remained silent. The thick gray smoke obscured my vision, but I could sense the hopelessness. No ordinary person could've survived such a catastrophic accident.
I wanted to collapse and sleep, but I had to move. Even if the flames devoured me, I would survive. But I had to avoid being found and taken to the hospital. I didn't want the world to know about the curse within me. My mom also probably would've had to avoid hospitals and receive treatment from fellow awakeners. But I had no such friends.
Dragging my injured body, I climbed out through a broken window. A banner nearby, warning about forest fires, was burning fiercely. I walked and walked, dodging the flames. Each step with my left foot made my broken ribs scream, but I couldn't stop. I had to find a quiet place to hide.
Limping down the mountain path, I saw a small village. The sight of the sign saying 'Inn' filled me with relief. Miraculously, there was also a donation bin there, so I grabbed some clothes out of there and changed into them, covered my tattered face, and entered the inn.
Jingle—.
The bell rang as the door opened, and the owner, emerging from a side room, froze at the sight of me. Wrapped in ragged clothes, I must've looked like a beggar. The cautious look in his eyes made it clear he was wary.
"How long will you be staying?"
"As… long as possible…"
For some reason, my voice wouldn't come out properly. Realizing something was off, the owner tossed me a key and quickly shut the side door.
I stayed in the most run-down room at the end of the corridor.
I slept for three days straight on a musty floor covered with a frayed blanket. I woke up occasionally from hunger but was too weak to move a finger. The pain of my burned skin and shattered bones was secondary.
I learned my exact condition five days after the accident.
I went to wash my face and was shocked by my reflection in the mirror. Glass shards were stuck in my neck, broken ribs protruded through charred skin, and my arm hung limply. Most shocking was my face, flattened by the bus floor, looking as if it were consumed by sorrow.
To still be alive in this state—I was a true monster.
I had to return home for treatment. Once again, I donned the ragged clothes and left the room. The owner nervously gulped when he saw me after nearly a week. Fearful, he didn't even demand the room fee.
I took out all my money and placed it on the counter, scribbling on a notepad.
[Taxi]
Recognizing my scribbled words, the owner hurriedly called for a taxi. As he made the call, the morning news was playing on TV. Behind the serious-faced anchor, a familiar scene appeared.
A bus burned black, ash swirling among skeletal trees.
Everyone dead. Seeing that text on the screen, I fled the inn.
When I returned home, I frantically searched the community for one thing: a remedy. I bought any cure made by hunters with healing abilities, regardless of whether it was C-grade or B-grade.
Naturally, it cost a fortune. In the end, I even touched my parents' life insurance money, something I never wanted to use. But with broken ribs piercing through burnt skin, what choice did I have?
After that, I consumed the remedies that arrived from all over the country without missing a day. Gradually, the house filled with bottles without labels, looking like an alcoholic's room. Sometimes, I wished I could numb myself with alcohol. The pain of my bones realigning and my burnt skin regenerating was indescribable.
Every day was hell. But I endured. I couldn't die, so I had no choice but to endure. And finally, exactly a month later, my body had fully healed. However, there was no trace of my former self.
"Haha, I really look like a different person."
My shattered facial bones had mended, altering my features. My voice was now deeper because of damage to my vocal cords, and my hair and skin seemed lighter. I felt like a snake that had shed its skin. It would take time to get used to it, but I couldn't help but laugh.
"This is actually a good thing…"
Wasn't this an opportunity? Johan died in that accident, and Hajae Shin was reborn. So, let's forget everything and start anew.
This time, I'll live out my life without loving anyone.