Chapter 208: Phil's Birthday
"Wolowitz is trying to flank us. Let the line go higher so I can attack from below and cut their string," Sheldon instructed Leonard, using his kite as bait. Ron looked up at the kites in the sky. Surprisingly, the four nerds were flying them with some actual technique, and he could vaguely make out some tactical elements.
In his previous life, when he'd watched movies about using kites for military purposes, he'd thought it was Hollywood nonsense, but now it seemed quite feasible. Ron watched with detached interest, wondering if this could somehow help with tax enforcement.
However, remembering his advanced surveillance drones, this method seemed pretty useless, and he immediately lost interest.
"Ron, you understand women better than anyone. Do you know why Penny doesn't want her friends to meet me?" Unfortunately, Leonard wasn't focused on the competition, and his response to Sheldon's commands was completely sluggish.
Sheldon was getting frustrated: "Focus on the game, Leonard! We're in the heat of battle here, the gloves are off, and we need to fight this thing to the bitter end!"
"That's a great question," Ron grinned. "I guess what you're really asking is, would a hot chick like Penny feel embarrassed introducing her new geeky boyfriend to her friends? A guy who's barely 5'4", is lactose intolerant, and could probably launch himself to the moon if he ate a slice of pizza?"
"Maybe Raj is right, maybe I do embarrass her." Leonard immediately got depressed.
"You're embarrassing me right now—a grown man worrying about relationship drama while flying a damn kite!" Sheldon scolded.
"Sorry."
"Sorry won't help me take down the opponent's kite," Sheldon said expertly, pulling his kite string back and forth. "Ow! The string cut me, that stings!"
Sheldon's whining immediately reminded Ron of some annoying internet meme he'd seen before, which made his eye twitch and gave him goosebumps.
"Honestly, if I wasn't absolutely certain that Mom never cheated, and Missy, who was born the same time as you, actually looks like family, I'd seriously question whether you're really my brother. How could the Cooper family produce someone like you?"
Sheldon felt insulted: "Hey, I'm totally masculine, okay! I'm the legendary hero Sheldon in Azeroth! I've thwarted the Lich King's schemes countless times."
"Yeah, yeah, you're a famous knight in Azeroth, but in real life you're a wimp who can't even get his TV back from some random dude. Who also, by the way, stripped you down to your underwear." Ron shot back.
"Ron, can you teach me how to be more manly?" Leonard wanted to make some changes. "Like football. Today Penny's friends are coming over to watch the Nebraska game. I don't get why every time they score, she yells 'We won!' Penny never even played, right?"
"I told you ages ago that if you want to learn about football, just ask Sheldon. He even designed some algorithm to bring mathematical analysis into football strategy. My dad got the head coach position with the Longhorns partly because of it."
As Ron spoke, Sheldon straightened up with pride, and at that moment, for some reason, Howard's kite faltered, and Sheldon and Leonard immediately seized the opportunity to cut Raj's kite string.
"YES! We won! See? Leonard, we won! Raj's kite is mine!"
Sheldon shouted excitedly, while Leonard was still frowning. "Ron, I heard from Howard that your predictions are crazy accurate, and he really did find a girlfriend just like you described. Do you think Penny and I will end up together? I mean like marriage, and hopefully we could have a couple kids.
I feel like she's getting less and less interested in me."
"Oh, don't kid yourself—Penny's attention span is shorter than a goldfish's. You can predict the outcome by looking at her dating history. The average shelf life of each guy is under five months, so from an efficiency standpoint, you should be crashing at her place way more often."
Ron walked over and patted him on the shoulder. "I think you two will end up together eventually. But if you feel like she's losing interest, have you thought about taking her to do something exciting? Instead of just staying home watching movies or flying kites, I think taking her to a shooting range would be perfect."
"A shooting range? What woman would enjoy that kind of activity?"
"Pretty much all of them?" Ron replied. He couldn't think of any woman who would turn down that invitation.
Leonard secretly made note of Ron's suggestion and decided to try it when he got back. "Okay, I'll give it a shot. Howard and the others are heading back. Want to come to the apartment with us?"
"Nah, I've got stuff to do," Ron replied, feeling somewhat guilty.
Although he hadn't done anything inappropriate with Howard's future wife—they'd only met once—in a sense, he had indeed betrayed Howard.
Last night, he'd gone back to the hotel with a gymnastics coach who looked exactly like Bernadette. They'd tried nearly every position imaginable, and she was indeed as flexible as advertised.
Hope wasn't Bernadette, so Ron hadn't cheated on Howard; but they looked identical and were played by the same actress in another reality, so Ron had indeed cheated on him.
Okay, Ron was confused. Was this Schrödinger's infidelity?
Of course, Ron wasn't making excuses; he genuinely had plans. Three days earlier, he'd already accepted Claire's invitation to Phil's birthday party and wisely declined Sheldon's alternative suggestions.
However, when he arrived at Jay Pritchett's house for the party that evening, he was surprised to see Mitchell there, carrying a toolbox.
"Hey, Mitchell, long time no see. What kind of handyman cosplay are you and Cam going for?" Ron teased, considering Mitchell's somewhat feminine nature and his complete lack of repair skills.
"Ron, we actually did build something at home. A little gift-wrapping station."
"That sounds pretty gay," Jay said, taking a sip of whiskey to steady his nerves. Even though his son had been openly gay for years, he still occasionally forgot and treated him like a regular guy.
Mitchell nervously rubbed his hands: "Dad, do you remember when I was 11, you tried to teach me boxing, but I quit halfway through?"
"Of course. The moves you wanted to learn were all from musicals like West Side Story. Are dance moves really useful in a fight?"
"If I ever get into a dance battle with someone, I'll let you know."
"You should also let me know so I can play music and yell, 'Fight! Fight! Fight!'" Ron laughed.
"Actually..." Mitchell became even more nervous. "Would you still be willing to teach me now?"
"Why? Did you get into it with Cam?"
"How could you possibly guess that?"
"Come on, you're living with a dude!" Jay exclaimed in surprise. "When my brother and I shared bunk beds, we fought every single day. I bet you had the same experience, right Ron?"
Ron nodded in agreement. "Yeah, me and little George, but once I started kicking his ass regularly after he turned seven, he became noticeably more cooperative."
"Cam and I don't sleep in bunk beds," Mitchell said helplessly, throwing up his hands. "Dad, I just want to learn some basic self-defense."
"I don't want to hear about what kind of bed you sleep in." Jay quickly took another long gulp of his drink. "What moves do you remember? Show me."
"Uh... thumbs up, and then like this..." Mitchell hesitantly threw a few punches at the air, moves that Ron couldn't bear to watch.
Let's just say Mitchell's fighting ability was roughly equivalent to the other three members of the nerd squad, and probably lower than Raj's. Even if you tied all five of them together, they wouldn't be enough to take on Penny alone.
"Not looking too good, huh?" Mitchell asked.
Ron couldn't help but comment, "No, it's actually too 'graceful.' If the mugger has the same preferences as you, you're definitely going to lose more than just your wallet."
"Hey, how about this," Jay suggested, "Ron's the best field agent at the IRS. Why don't you let him teach you?"
"Really? Ron, could you help me?" Mitchell looked at Ron with shining eyes.
"Please, as long as you don't look at me like that, for the sake of family, of course I can teach you." Ron said he was a bit overwhelmed by Mitchell's gaze. "What do you want to learn? Muay Thai? Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu? Or maybe some Krav Maga?"
"Ron, you'd better teach him the basics. All that stuff is way too advanced for him." Nobody knows a son better than his father. Jay wasn't optimistic about Mitchell's learning capacity.
"The most basic thing? That would be a gun. Easiest and most effective." Ron quickly drew his pistol from its holster, spun it around his finger, and placed it in Mitchell's hand. "Just flip the safety, aim, and squeeze. Jay, got any old bottles around here we can use for target practice?"
"No! No!" Mitchell immediately tossed the gun back to Ron like it was a hot potato. "I'm scared of gunshots! I just want to learn some basic self-defense moves!"
"Then I've got nothing to teach you. You can't learn anything else."
Ron shrugged. There was nothing he could do. He'd seen Mitchell's skill level. He'd rather go back and train Penny.
There was no other choice. Jay had to step up himself: "Alright, then I'll teach you some simple wrestling moves. Now, come at me and try to hit me."
"Jay, are you sure about this? Don't be stubborn." Ron was skeptical about this. Jay was already over 60. He wasn't going to teach Mitchell how to fake an injury and sue people, was he?
"No problem. Your mom probably didn't tell you, but I was on the wrestling team back in high school," Jay said, full of fighting spirit. "Come on, tap into that anger inside you and come at me."
"Dad, you know I've never really been angry at you," Mitchell said, clearly lying.
"Remember that Halloween when I told you not to dress up as Olivia Newton-John?"
Ron recalled Sheldon wanting to dress up as Marie Curie. Well, turns out his brother wasn't the only one who wanted to cross-dress for Halloween; there was another one in the family.
"Ahh!" Mitchell yelled and charged forward, but Jay, using his momentum against him, pulled and redirected him, his strong arms wrapping around Mitchell's neck in a chokehold.
"Nice rear naked choke!" Ron exclaimed. At Jay's age, being able to pull off that move was definitely impressive.
"How's that? Pretty good, right? I learned that from the founder of Gracie Jiu-Jitsu," Jay boasted. "That's my signature move..."
"Hold on, Claire's calling," Ron interrupted Jay's bragging and hit the answer button.
"Hey, Claire, I'm at your dad's place right now. What time does the party start?"
"Oh thank God, you're not far. Can you come over? I'm at Best Buy. I forgot my credit card, so I can't buy Phil's gift."
"Of course..." Ron stopped mid-sentence. "Wait, can I ask what gift you're planning to buy for Phil? Please don't tell me it's an iPad too."
"Wait, Ron, your gift for Phil is an iPad?!" Claire said in surprise. "Perfect, then I don't have to wait in line. Can you just transfer your gift to me?"
Ron frowned. "Sure, but if I give you my gift, what am I supposed to give him? Hey! Wait! Jay, stop! Mitchell's about to pass out! No wait! He already passed out!"
Ron was mid-sentence when Mitchell went limp in Jay's arms.
"Oh shit, Ron, help me out here! Breathe, Mitchell, come on son!" Jay quickly laid Mitchell down flat.
"What?" Claire was startled by the commotion on Ron's end. "What happened? Did Dad and Mitchell get into a fight?"
"Uh..." Ron was at a loss for words. "Long story short, Mitchell wanted to learn self-defense, and Jay didn't control his strength properly and choked him out. Don't worry, in my experience, just let him lie there for a minute and he'll be fine."
Ron checked him over and found nothing serious.
"That's good," Claire sighed with relief. "You can just give him whatever you've got on you. Anything will work. I guarantee he'll be thrilled with whatever it is."
"Really?"
"Absolutely!"
"Okay then," Ron agreed. After all, he wasn't Phil's wife, so his gift didn't have to be the centerpiece.
Of course, according to etiquette, he couldn't show up empty-handed, but what did he have on him? Ron felt around and touched a cold metal object. Mitchell was slowly coming to. Ron's eyes lit up with an idea.
"Mitchell, you said you have a gift-wrapping station at home, right? How about we head back there together now?"
(End of chapter)
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