Chapter 97: Trouble at Work
"Yeah, that's what I figured. Can you move this time machine out of the way? I'm gonna be late for work."
Leonard turned around and saw his crush, Penny. He immediately leaned against the wall in an overly suave manner and waved enthusiastically: "Hey there, Penny!"
Not just now, but even under normal circumstances, Penny wasn't in the mood for Leonard's awkward flirting: "This is a time machine, right? Whatever, I don't care what it is—can you guys hurry up? I'm running late for my shift."
"Just give me a couple more minutes, I'll have this sorted out right away."
"The problem is I don't have a couple minutes." Penny checked her watch anxiously. "I'm already running behind."
"I have a simple solution," Sheldon began applying his genius intellect: "You could go up to the roof and jump across to the next building. The gap isn't that wide. If you're afraid of heights, just don't look down."
"Are you seriously not messing with me right now?" If it weren't for Sheldon's PhD, Penny would've wanted to call the psych ward and have him committed.
Sheldon replied earnestly, "I never joke about matters involving acrophobia."
"Screw it," Penny said, watching the clock tick away and mustering her courage. "Fine, I'll go check out the roof situation."
Ron shot Leonard a pointed look. What a perfect opportunity to impress the girl of your dreams!
Why don't you step up and be the hero?! Leonard immediately responded with a grateful expression, thinking, "What an awesome roommate! He said he'd help me win over Penny, and he's actually doing it! If I ever land another job, I'm definitely working for him for free."
Leonard rubbed his hands, sore from the heavy lifting. "Hey, if you could wait until I get this time machine properly calibrated, I could use it to send you back to this exact moment in time..."
Penny, already frustrated by being delayed by four nerds, glared daggers at Leonard, her expression clearly saying, "You think this is funny?"
"Time travel? I was just kidding around. Don't take it seriously."
Both Penny and Ron shook their heads. These nerdy pickup attempts were absolutely hopeless. But for the sake of Leonard's free labor offer, Ron decided to throw him a bone.
"Hold up," Ron called to Penny, who was about to attempt the rooftop route. He backed down to the bottom of the stairwell, then suddenly charged upward, vaulting seven steps in just two or three bounds to reach the time machine.
"Careful!" Sheldon shouted, "We paid eight hundred bucks for that thing!"
But before he could finish his warning, Ron placed both hands on the time machine, suddenly stepped diagonally onto the adjacent wall, his entire body perpendicular to it, and began running across the vertical surface as if it were level ground.
The four nerds watched in complete amazement, not even noticing the drool unconsciously dripping from their mouths onto the floor. They had only seen moves like this in their beloved superhero comics!
This was their first time witnessing it in real life, so their shock was completely understandable.
Incredibly, Ron took two steps up the wall, then kicked off hard. Using the momentum, he twisted through the air and landed smoothly on the top step.
Seeing Penny's eyes light up with admiration, Ron had every reason to believe that if he made a move on her right now, she would forget all about work and do everything in her power to keep him around.
But Ron wasn't interested at the moment; he just wanted some quality sleep.
"It's just an eight-hundred-dollar prop," Ron said dismissively, walking past the annoyed Sheldon. As a wealthy man who had just scored an $80 million payday, Ron had every right to brush off Sheldon's modest expenditure.
Ron pried open the elevator doors: "I think taking the elevator would be the faster option."
Leonard started babbling, "Wait, that elevator's been busted for years and nobody's fixed it. If you're talking about rappelling down the shaft, I think we'd need some specialized equipment. Those doors are reinforced..."
But as he spoke, Ron simply stuck his fingers into the gap between the elevator doors, gripped them firmly, and wrenched them open with raw strength. He turned around and asked, "What were you saying we needed? I was thinking about something else and didn't catch that."
"Uh, nothing. Never mind." Leonard, who had taken a step forward, quickly backed away.
"What happens when we get down there? You think Penny has the same brute strength as you to pry open elevator doors?" Sheldon continued his questioning.
"She can use a crowbar," Ron said matter-of-factly, grabbing a crowbar from behind his apartment door and pressing it into Penny's hands. "The main difference between humans and apes is that humans use tools. Didn't they teach you that in school, genius?"
After years of enduring Sheldon's condescending remarks about his intelligence, Ron finally got his revenge and felt a surge of satisfaction. "If you can't handle that, I could start by showing you how to rub sticks together to make fire. Maybe in a few years you'll graduate to knapping flint and making stone tools."
Sheldon, experiencing the most savage roasting of his life, glared at Ron, who took it as the highest compliment.
"Ready?" Before Penny could protest, Ron tied a simple knot in a rope, secured Penny to the elevator cable, and gave her a gentle push.
"Ahhhhh!" Penny slid down with a mixture of terror and exhilaration.
"See? Such a simple solution, and you guys turned it into rocket science." Ron spread his hands toward the four scientists who were still gawking. "Sometimes I honestly can't tell which one of us is supposed to be the smart one here."
As the only member of the quartet who had managed to hold his ground against Ron without backing down, Sheldon was still reeling from Ron's "devastating critique," using his 140+ IQ to frantically devise a comeback.
Leonard, the one with the highest emotional intelligence in the group, rolled his eyes and suddenly had a brainstorm. "Hey Ron, buddy, how about you help me move this time machine upstairs? We'll let you take it for a test drive."
"Not interested," Ron shook his head with a mischievous smirk. "Honestly, I think it's way more entertaining watching you guys struggle with that behemoth. Seriously, has it never occurred to any of you to find some day laborers downstairs to help you haul this thing up here?"
The four scientists were stunned into silence. "Why didn't we think of that?" They then spiraled into deep existential doubt about their own intelligence.
"Trust me, for just ten bucks, somebody will be more than happy to lend a hand," Ron observed their bewildered faces with immense satisfaction, finding it even more gratifying than putting a bullet through someone's skull with his .357.
After all, shooting people was just his job—he could do that anytime. But seeing Sheldon get completely owned? Who knows when he'd get another chance like this.
"There's plenty of day laborers hanging around the Home Depot two blocks over. I hear those guys will do just about anything for the right price. You could probably get the whole crew for fifty bucks and a case of beer."
With that parting shot, Ron pushed open his apartment door and disappeared inside.
(End of Chapter)
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