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I don't know if there's an American saying about "speak of the devil," but anyway, Ron had just dropped Buffett's name while bluffing to Musk, and as soon as he walked out the door, he got a call from Buffett himself.
"Ron, long time no see," Buffett's weathered voice crackled through the phone.
"Long time no see, the legendary Mr. Buffett. I'm seriously starting to think you've got me bugged. I literally just mentioned you to someone else."
"Mentioned me? You're not ratting me out to Francis about my taxes, are you? You know I'm one of the few guys in this business with clean hands." The old man sounded genuinely worried. Getting on the IRS's bad side was never good news.
Clearly, Ron's previous actions had left quite an impression on him.
Ron, too lazy to mess with the old guy's head, quickly explained, "Of course not. I was just talking about you with Mr. Musk."
"Ah, I don't know that young hotshot. You know I've never paid much attention to tech companies. I'm calling because I've got a personal gig for you."
"Personal gig?"
Ron's job was pretty flexible. Basically, as long as he hit his annual tax collection quotas, he was free to do whatever. Of course, he didn't mind taking side jobs—otherwise his skills would go to waste.
"What kind of job?" Ron started his car and switched to speakerphone.
"Bodyguard work. I can't think of anyone better qualified than you. I need you to accompany me to Las Vegas for a high-stakes poker tournament. Some hotshot named Danny Ocean won the charity auction for lunch with me."
Danny Ocean? Ron's mind started racing at that name. This could be his golden opportunity. He had to take it.
"Warren, you know I'm always swamped, so could you give me specific dates so I can clear my schedule? Given our friendship, I'll definitely be there when you need me.
I can even give you the friend discount if you let me escort you until you're wheels-up on your private jet. Don't worry, I don't have any ulterior motives. I'm just beat and thinking about exploring Vegas..."
Back at the apartment, Leonard finally showed up with takeout. It was Monday, so according to Sheldon's rigid schedule, that meant Thai food night.
Ron not only had zero objections but actually approved, instantly crushing Leonard's hopes of staging some kind of rebellion against Sheldon's tyranny now that Ron was around.
"Here's your pad thai, hold the peanuts," Leonard announced.
Howard asked nervously, "Does it have peanut oil in it?"
Leonard rolled his eyes. "How the hell should I know? Everyone's gonna have to keep an eye on Howard tonight to make sure he doesn't puff up like a balloon."
Sheldon was being unusually friendly today, which was weird for him. "Since there aren't any bees around, you can use my EpiPen."
"Got any chopsticks?" Ron asked, a habit from his previous life.
"No, this is Thai food," Leonard said, already rolling his eyes. "Here we go again."
"Forks weren't introduced to Thailand until the latter half of the 19th century. Interestingly, they don't use forks to put food directly into their mouths. Instead, they use the fork to push food onto a spoon, then use the spoon to eat."
Normally, Ron would've said something like "Isn't that like taking your shoes off to scratch your feet?" But today, he wasn't going to be a smartass. God knows he'd never felt so deeply that his brother's random facts actually had profound meaning.
"Sheldon, that was brilliant!" Ron's enthusiastic applause fed Sheldon's ego completely.
"Ron, you're acting weird today!" Sheldon was uncomfortable with Ron's sudden brown-nosing.
Ron stared directly into Sheldon's eyes and declared with absolute sincerity, "Sheldon, I swear, I've never loved you more than I do right now. Hell, if you asked me to give you a kidney, I wouldn't hesitate."
"Ron," Sheldon continued expressionlessly.
"Yeah?"
"I've heard that unprotected homosexual relations significantly increase AIDS risk. From a health and safety perspective, I think you should find a woman. Penny next door would be an optimal choice..."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa... Let's table this discussion. Food's getting cold." Leonard quickly interrupted Sheldon, looking like he was facing mortal danger, terrified he might actually spark Ron's interest.
All four scientists—even someone with Sheldon's ridiculously low EQ—could see that Leonard had it bad for Penny, and that Penny had been trying to get Ron's attention.
If Ron hadn't genuinely shown zero interest in Penny, she probably would've succeeded by now.
Howard sidled up to Ron. "Hey, dude, level with me—are you gay?"
"Hell no. I'm just getting tired of how easy life's been for too long." Ron winked at Howard. "Bro, you can tell just by looking at me that I'll never lack for female company, right?"
Leonard chimed in: "Then why aren't you interested in Penny?"
Ron thought for a moment. "It's my rule. I never mess around with girls in my immediate circle, especially roommates. I don't want to end up paying rent for two people by myself."
Leonard found Ron's explanation mind-boggling. How could anyone turn down a knockout like Penny?
But thinking about Ron's movie-star looks, it all made perfect sense, and Leonard felt a sudden wave of relief.
Yeah, that was very Ron. Sheldon nodded approvingly. Penny had been mooching Leonard's WiFi password since she moved in.
This had seriously impacted their already crappy internet speed, something Sheldon was pretty vocal about.
Howard cried out desperately, "That's it? If she'd sleep with me just once, I'd pay her rent for a whole damn year!"
"Hey, hey, guys, you don't have to be so pathetic. Maybe I can introduce you to some women, but only if you ditch those cringeworthy pickup techniques. It's embarrassing to be associated with."
Ron said this while staring directly at Howard. He didn't want to go out with some loser who had to hit on girls in twelve different languages. That would be mortifying.
Raj excitedly slapped Howard's leg. "Ron, where do you usually go to meet women? Next time, could you take us along?"
"Sure, but I've never had to try. I just show up at events, and women approach me.
Maybe you guys could console the girls who are heartbroken because I rejected them. I think your odds would be pretty good."
After Ron's humble-bragging, Howard and Raj didn't seem offended at all. Instead, they looked at each other with pure excitement in their eyes. "When?" they asked eagerly.
"There's something tonight—an LA street racing meet with free drag races. You guys want in?" Ron offered.
Actually, tonight was when Dominic Toretto had agreed to meet him. Dom had promised to introduce Ron to some local "influential" friends, and Ron didn't mind bringing a couple extra guys along.
This put Howard and Raj in a real bind. On one hand, they desperately wanted to tag along with Ron to meet women, but on the other hand, nighttime LA—especially the street racing scene—was clearly way out of their league.
They'd get eaten alive!
Just then, someone knocked on the apartment door.
"Leonard, is Ron there?" It was Penny's voice.
Ron shook his head at Leonard. "Just tell her I'm not here. Go get 'em, tiger. I'm rooting for you~"
"Hi, Penny~" Leonard opened the door but didn't let her in. Instead, he stepped out and partially blocked the doorway with his body.
"We haven't seen Ron today. What did you need him for? Or is there anything I can help you with?"
Inside the apartment, eavesdropping, Ron shook his head. Another simp!
Seriously, of the four scientists, it seemed only Sheldon wasn't a total simp but still had girls chasing him. The other three were just pathetic.
Looks like the Cooper family genes are strong. This level of good looks really is a powerful weapon for attracting women, Ron thought narcissistically, stroking his jawline.
"Uh~" Penny sounded slightly disappointed. "I was wondering if you could help me..."
"Absolutely!" Before Penny could finish, Leonard's people-pleasing instincts kicked in and he agreed, apparently having learned nothing from the last incident where he literally got his pants pulled off.
"Okay, someone's delivering furniture tomorrow, and I might not be home, so could you sign for it and then move it into my apartment?"
Here we go again, Ron thought. He prayed Leonard would refuse, because then Leonard would definitely drag Sheldon into it, who would then call him.
And he, feeling guilty for just screwing Sheldon over with the notebook deal, would definitely not refuse. So even though he wouldn't be the one helping initially, he'd still end up doing all the work.
"Of course," Leonard quickly agreed, like he was afraid someone might steal the opportunity.
Classic simp behavior.
"Thanks, Leonard, you're such a sweetheart~" Penny handed over her key along with a nice guy certificate, then turned and left. "Here's my spare key."
Leonard didn't even have the balls to ask her out.
"Leonard, I think you should ask her out," Ron offered his advice.
Leonard looked shocked. "Ask her out? What if she says no?"
"Then keep asking her out. Trust me, eventually she'll get tired of rejecting you." Ron said casually, then went back to his pad thai, leaving Leonard standing at the door, lost in thought.
After some serious soul-searching, Howard and Raj finally made their decision: "Ron, we want to come out with you tonight!"
Ron nearly choked to death on a mouthful of thai noodles. These two guys were incredible. They were literally willing to risk their lives for women.
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